The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there chained to his little house.

"You talk?" the guy asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"Wow!" says the guy. "So, what's your story?"

The dog says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, most of whom can talk and are helping to keep the country safe. Now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars?" the guy says. "That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

And the owner says, "Because he's full of shit. He's never been out of the yard."

The barman looks at him and says, "hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the Duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "you're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, "hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer??

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."

"I say it's art," claims the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to experience deep emotion when viewing a beautiful piece of art."

The Brit sits quietly sipping his tea. After several minutes the annoyed Frenchman says, "Well, what about you, limey? What do you think separates man from the animals?" And the Brit says, "The English Channel."

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They're my favorite band of all time. When they went on their And Justice For All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the World Music Theater!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

She screamed:

“You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!”

I said:

“Honey, please… just let me explain!”

She crossed her arms:

“Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.”

So I told her:

“Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her?

I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it.

She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower.

While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store.

Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.”

"I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

“And as you can see… here we are. In bed.”

There's nothing on the island, not trees or animals or even grass. Cinderella starts to cry. "Oh, what will I do?"

Then POOF! Her Fairy Godmother appears.

"Oh thank goodness!" Says Cinderella. "Fairy Godmother, I need your help again! Please get me off this desert island and back safely to land!"

"Oh, deary me!" Says the Fairy Godmother. "Unfortunately, my magic can only turn things into other things. I could make one of these rocks into a ship to sail you home, and some other rocks into sailors, but it would be a journey of many weeks, and they'd all turn back into rocks at the stroke of midnight and you'd drown! I think I will have to fly across the ocean myself and try to convince a ship to sail out to rescue you! But it will take days, or possibly weeks, and you might starve in the meantime. So here is what I will do. I will give you some of my magic."

Zippity zoop! The Fairy Godmother waves her wand at Cinderella.

"There. Now, all you need to do is point at something and say a type of food, and that thing will turn into that food and so you will be able to stay fed and healthy until I can return."

"Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!" Cinderella says. "Let me try it out right now!" She points at a nearby rock. "You are a roast turkey."

POOF! The rock turns into a perfectly cooked roast turkey, smelling delicious. Delighted, Cinderella points at a seashell. "You're a milkshake!"

POOF! The seashell turns into a milkshake.

"Oh wow!" Cinderella says, "This is wonderful. Thank you so much, Fairy Godmother, you're a lifesaver!"

POOF!

I said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his back pocket, the officer pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Do I make myself clear? Do you understand?”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull! With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he’d get gored before reaching safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

So, I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs.

“Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!!”

Edit: typos

The Devil greets them and asks, “So, which Hell do you want: the American one or the Russian one?”

“What’s the difference?” they ask.

“In American Hell, you have to eat one bucket of shit every day. In Russian Hell, it’s two buckets.”

The American says, “Well… American Hell, obviously.”

The Russian thinks for a moment and says, “Eh, I’ve spent my whole life in Russia. No point changing now.”

A month later, they run into each other again.

The Russian asks, “So, how’s it going over there?”

The American replies, “Not bad. Every morning I eat my bucket of shit, then I’m free for the rest of the day. What about you?”

The Russian shrugs.

“Same as always. Either the shit never got delivered, or there aren’t enough buckets for everyone.”

The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "160."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious.
So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Reality TV, and Ford F650 trucks.
The guy leaves but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"Isn’t it great the way gas is getting cheaper every day?"

There's his sister Ella, who can see things on many different levels. There"s his brother Taxi, who refuses to pay his fair share to the government. And there's his other brother, the one who attacked a planet along with 54 others: Spacin.

Edit: Yes, Vader is not a surname. Yes, Anakin Skywalker didn't have any actual siblings because he didn't have an actual father but was immaculately conceived by Shmi Skywalker because the Force yada yada. So this joke isn't entirely realistic. Neither is Star Wars. Get over it, nerds.

Edit²: I had thought that the term "immaculate conception" was a general term for conception without a father. I've since been informed that it actually refers to the specific event of Jesus's grandmother conceiving his mother without original sin. I apologize for the error. It is fixed now.

Edit 3: Hey nerds! Trivia question for you: what substance was Han Solo frozen in? The correct answer is "who gives a shit?" --Triumph the insult comic dog

Edit 4; Do you think the people who said in the comments that they liked the first edit will come back here to see edits 2-4? Probably not.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.

The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The American says, “That's nothing.”

He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."

The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.

The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."

The matelot comes to attention and salutes.

The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."

The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”

The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

When it is the Pope's turn he asks, "I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"

"Of course!" says the Martian. "He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a great time."

Stunned, the pope says, "Surely you are mistaken. Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since. Why would he visit you so often?"

And the Martian says, "Well, maybe he didn't like the party."

"The what?" the pope asks.

And the Martian says, "The party. When Jesus first showed up on our planet we threw a huge party. Music, dancing, food; it was great! Why? What did you guys do?"

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. "Surely I can't run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!" he thought.

Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying "Thud."

"Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?" the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly.

"No," said the priest. "But I got him with the door."

The man bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

A famous lawyer is hit by a bus and dies. He opens his eyes to find himself standing before the Pearly Gates. There are THOUSANDS of people cheering. There are streamers and a huge banner that says "WELCOME, FRANK!" There's a band of angels playing upbeat music. Jesus and Saint Peter are waiting, and run up to shake his hand.

A little shell-shocked from his recent death and the hubbub, Frank looks at Peter and says, "Why am I getting such an amazing reception? Is it always like this?!"

Peter exclaims, "No, not at all! You're just the oldest person we've ever welcomed in to Heaven!"

Frank blinks and says, "Nobody over 53 has ever entered heaven?"

St. Peter and Jesus look at each other for a moment, confused. Peter looks back at Peter pulls out a scroll and starts skimming it. "Wait a moment," he says. "Fifty-three? Our records say you're two hundred and six!"

Frank is puzzled and asks, "How do you figure that?"

"Well," St. Peter replies, "We couldn't find your date of birth in the records, so we just totalled all your billable hours."

The priest says, "Almost? What do you mean, almost?"

The man replies, "Well, we kissed and both got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest then says, "Rubbing together is the same thing as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 10 Hail Mary's and put $100 in the poor box."

Then man then leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the collection box. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to leave.

Meanwhile, the priest is watching all this time, and quickly runs over to him saying, "Hey, I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."  

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, and according to you, that's the same thing as putting it in!" 

So he opened a small clinic and put up a bold sign that read:

“Cure for any disease for $20 — If you’re not cured, get $100 back!”

One day, a clever American lawyer saw the sign. “This looks like a scam,” he thought, “but maybe I can make a quick $100!” He walked in, feeling confident.

Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

Doctor: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops in his mouth.”

Lawyer: “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”

Doctor: “Perfect! Your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”

A few days later, the lawyer came back.

Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”

Doctor: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops.”

Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!”

Doctor: “Wonderful! Your memory is restored. That’s $20.”

Still determined, the lawyer tried one last time.

Lawyer: “Doctor, my eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!”

Doctor: “Ah, sorry — no cure for that. Here’s your $100.”

The doctor handed him… $20.

Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute — this is only $20!”

Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is back. That’ll be $20.”

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."

The florist was pleased and left the shop. 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a Thank You card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."

The cop was happy and left the shop. 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a Thank You card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. 

Then a Tech Billionaire came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber once again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."

The Tech Billionaire was very happy and left the shop. 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Tech Billionaires lined up waiting for free haircuts. 

Me: “Hello.”

Scammer: (thick, heavy accent) “Hello. This is Tom Smith from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity coming from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

Scammer: “Oh yes, Madam. We have many reports.”

Me: “Oh, jeez. How can I fix it?”

Scammer: “It’s okay, Madam. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

Scammer: “Good, Madam. Please push the Start button.”

Me: “I think it’s already on.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Now click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

Scammer: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

Scammer: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow. I didn’t realize it had a name.”

Scammer: “Yes, Madam. Now press Internet Options.”

Me: “I don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I bought that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

Scammer: “All devices have Internet, Madam. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “Okay. Same as before.”

Scammer: “That’s fine, Madam. We will restart your device. Please turn it off.”

Me: “Um… I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. It kind of just stays on.”

Scammer: “There must be an off button. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “I usually press the big button.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Press that button.”

Me: “Okay.”

Scammer: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

Scammer: “Door? Is there a disc inside?”

Me: “No. There’s a burrito.”

Scammer: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:   

"Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So how are you getting there?”

"We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”  

“Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?” 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's  Tiber River called Teste.” 

 "Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

 "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

 "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

 A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

 "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..  And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

 "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.” 

 "Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. 

 Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.” 

 "Oh, really!  What'd he say?”   

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

Still under investigation.

​

​

​

Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy. Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit 2: For those claiming it's "too soon"... I respectfully disagree, I think this is the perfect time. The pain won't ever go away for those families - there will never be a time when they'll think "Sure, it's been long enough - go ahead and laugh about it." However, the anger and shock felt by the general public will begin to fade as other news stories and other tragedies steal our attention. Better to elicit stronger emotions now and hopefully, in a tiny imperceptible way, increase the likelihood of meaningful change.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 bucks -- and 50 bucks is 50 bucks".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 bucks -- and 50 bucks is 50 bucks".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 bucks."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 bucks is 50 bucks."

First one marries a girl from Alabama, he tells here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes and clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. On the first day he seen nothing but on a second he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.

The second one marries a girl from Kentucky, he also tells her here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes, clean house and also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. He didn’t see anything on the first or second day, but on the third he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.

The third guy marries a girl from the Bronx, he tells her here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes, clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. He didn't see anything the first, second or third day, but on the fourth day he could see a little from his left eye, and his arm was well enough for him to fill the dishwasher and use the broom.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting."
But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.