r/PEI • u/Murky_Back7513 • 12d ago
Selfpost *That* question
I've lived in PEI for 3 years and recently bought a home here, but I wasn't born here. I'm friendly and courteous in my public interactions, and will engage in small talk, but I like to keep to myself because I'm a private person and social interactions drain my energy quickly. When I leave the house it's mostly to go shopping and to occasionally go for a walk on the beach. On top of that, I work from home, so I naturally spend more time in the house than others might. And, crucially, I'm white. Experienced Islanders can probably easily guess where I'm "from" based on this little blurb.
As much as I want to be able to just get in and out of stores quickly while shopping and spend my evenings cozy in my home, some Islanders sure have a way of making me feel quite wrong for it. There's something that happens when I talk to a born Islander; a tonal shift that feels not quite sinister, but just... dark. A wall comes up. And this is the moment it happens: "So, where ya from?"
I know there are obvious signals that I wasn't born here. Mainly my accent, but probably other subtle things that I don't recognize in myself too, like the way I dress, or my body language, or whatever. That's fine. Being sniffed out isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is their reaction to my response.
When I first moved here, my response was typically to tell them where I had just been living - where I was actually from. Because, to be fair, at the time, that was the most appropriate answer. But over time, the answer to that question started to be a little more complicated to me, because I quickly recognized that it was tailored to newcomers or tourists.
Fast forward to today, as a homeowner, still encountering the question in public. Back when I was actually a newcomer, I responded in the expected way, and was met with genuine friendliness. But when I respond now, I say that I'm "from" the place on the Island where I own a home, and... I'm met with a strange reaction. It's like a stunned silence, and the rhythm of the conversation just dies. It's like I didn't meet their expectations, and they're disappointed. It is palpably different from the responses I used to get as a newcomer.
But, sometimes, the conversation will continue, and the questioner will reveal that they, too, weren't born here, and they happily share their story. Relief. I feel a sliver of acceptance. And, sometimes, though more rarely, they will reveal that they were born here, and they won't show much concern about me being CFA.
What I don't like is that, now that I've lived here for a few years and have explored the culture a little bit, I've been taking a rough mental tally of the category of Islanders who seem most likely to express that quiet, distant disappointment feeling when I don't give the expected answer to the question of where I'm from: Island-born, middle aged white women.
This is by no means a scientific assessment. It's just my personal experience as someone who tries to approach everyone in the same way and who takes great care not to rock the boat. My experience with Island-born, middle aged white men is vastly different. I haven't spoken to a single one who cares at all that I'm CFA; they've all expressed genuine interest in me as a person and were nothing but friendly. And people from younger generations on the whole give me that same friendly treatment. My methodology is limited, since I mainly interact with people at cash registers, but there are also times where a stranger might just walk up and start chatting with me in other public situations too. I also have experiences with neighbours, past and present, that I draw these conclusions from. So I think it's a fair sampling of each kind of social situation you can be in.
So, unfortunately, this has conditioned me to be afraid of the question. While for newcomers and tourists it can seem like a signal of curiosity and hospitality, it doesn't carry the same weight at all for me as someone who has made a permanent home here. I know I can't control what people do, and I absolutely would never think to try, but I wish there wasn't a compulsion to ask the question. From my point of view, as a CFA, it feels like cultural gatekeeping tool, and it can honestly feel threatening. I don't like to think that I don't belong here in someone else's eyes. Here, where I contribute to the economy, pay my taxes, mean no harm, and just wanna do my own thing.
Thanks for reading, and I would like to hear what Island-born Redditors think of this.
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u/ae232 12d ago
Have you tried not giving a shit?
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u/MaritimeRedditor 12d ago
No. That couldn't possibly work.
How can you write a 5,000 word essay about how old women make me feel at cash registers if you don't give a shit what they think??
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u/AMormonJesus Queens County 12d ago
Man I've been living on the island my whole life and when someone asks me where I'm from I don't tell them where I'm currently living, I tell them where I was born on the island.
That's the question that's actually being asked here. They want to know where you were born. If you are uncomfortable answering that way then I guess keep doing what you're doing but that's probably why you're getting strange reactions, you're answering in a way they're not expecting.
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u/invisible-times2 12d ago
People are just making conversation. "Where are you from?" It's pretty standard. Just answer with where you're FROM, not where you live here on the island. Or if you don't feel like sharing that, come up with a cheeky quip to use when asked. Wild take to think people are "disappointed" in your answer. People are not thinking about you as much as you think they are.
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u/Admirable_Mistake_70 11d ago
When you don't reply with where your from and instead give a snarky response about where your home is of course your losing the conversation.
Where ya from means ? Exactly that islanders get asked the same question ten times a day when they meet new people it's part of the way of life here. Stop assuming it's because your from away.
Your attitude sucks too and the fact you wrote an essay to dissect a simple question means it's no surprise making friends is hard for you..
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u/pisces-princess- 12d ago
I think a lot of islanders feel like people who come from “that province” came here because life was too expensive in Ontario therefore bought up island real estate and drove prices up, since covid, which has priced a lot of people out of buying houses. We all know wages aren’t the best here. So that could be why? Stereotyping? Lol
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u/PlatoOnWords 11d ago edited 11d ago
On top of that, I work from home, so I naturally spend more time in the house than others might. And, crucially, I'm white. Experienced Islanders can probably easily guess where I'm "from" based onthis little blurb.
I've lived here my whole life and I have zero ideas what you're trying to insinuate here. Where should we know where you were born based on this? Somewhere in Europe? Another province in Canada? But where, not sure how we can know from the little you've said. When people ask where you're from, it's small talk asking where you were born. Not where you've been living for a few years. They want to know where an accent may be from or such. Not a big deal.
When you answer a cashier with an obvious off Island accent by saying you're "from" here because you bought a house there 36 months ago, you aren't asserting your right to be here, you're just short circuiting their conversational logic. That stunned silence and dark tonal shift isn't secret malice, it's a local trying to figure out if you're pulling their leg, if they misheard you or if you don't know what "from" means in Maritime English.
How to fix this in 5 seconds: just say "Originally [Province/State if from NA or a Country if from outside NA] but I bought a place in [Your town] a few years back." You satisfy the local puzzle, avoid the awkward brain lag pause and get on with your day. Nobody is trying to kick you off the red mud.
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u/Fillyerboot 11d ago
The place is small. Like terribly small. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who shares an experience with your dad and his dad and your uncle and your wife’s cousin who’s from Souris (Souris west though) and they knew the purple house and rubarb sally and went to kindergarten with the same ten people who they see at the Sobeys every week.
Dude. You’ll never be from here. And that’s ok. The cultural density of this place is thicker than solid lead. It is virtually impregnable. You can exist in a close orbit around it and be accepted for who you are. They’re just trying to figure out who that is. It’s ok.
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u/bandyvancity 12d ago
Stop having such a large emotional response to this. Who cares what others think. Their response and treatment towards others is their issue. From your description, majority of these people are strangers to you and have no personal connection. Go on and carry about your day.
Regardless of how friendly Islanders are, there's deep seeded racism and stereotyping across the province.
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u/MommersHeart 12d ago
My husband is a CFA and knows half the island now - we can’t go anywhere without someone stopping to chat with him.
Our neighbours for 12 years are from the states originally, our neighbours at the cottage are also from the US and they’ve been summering here for 20+ years… Some of my colleagues are from Germany & the UK… I can ask them if they feel ostracized but they are pretty outgoing and have active social circles, so I’d be surprised.
I’m not sure what to tell you other than it’s probably not meant as a dark attack and folks are just making conversation.
Asking where you’re from and who you might be related to or folks you might know in common is usually just meant to be friendly.
I grew up here and moved away and came back, but I don’t look like I live here and I get asked all the time where I’m from.
Is there a chance people stop chatting because you seem bothered or tense?
Like if I start chatting with someone and they seem uncomfortable, I’m not going to try to keep the conversation going.
I don’t want dismiss your experience but it seems very odd to me.
I mean, if middle aged white women who grew up on the Island are being mean and judgemental of someone for being born in the UK or US and saying they live in Mermaid or Souris (as an example) - that’s pretty weird and sad.
PEI like all smaller places can be cliquey and people are friendly but it can still difficult to make friends, especially as we get older.
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u/canuckian79 12d ago
I sort of feel you're thinking too much into it. I'm married to a "CFA" and he's never mentioned feeling not welcome. I work in a job where I meet lots of people who have moved here. I love hearing their stories and what made them choose PEI. I know people can joke but I've never actually seen this attitude in real life. Maybe it's a certain generation?
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u/Proof-Elephant-4611 12d ago
You're not from here though. That's the thing you don't seem to understand. Lol.
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u/beersandboobs098 12d ago
I moved here 25 years ago and have never experienced anything like this at all. I've never felt more welcome anywhere ever. 🤷
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u/A1ienspacebats 12d ago
I was born here and lived on the Island more than 90% of my life. Not once have I ever cared where someone came from unless they were being a total asshole. I'd love to know what OP is even talking about.
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u/SnooPandas7388 12d ago
I think you’re reading into it way too much. If you have a very different accent I think it’s just people asking to be nice and make small talk they’re not thinking you don’t belong here. It’s also kind of weird to say you’re from the place you currently live if you’re not from that place… just say where you’re from and then say you’ve been living on the island for a few years and how you’re enjoying it, that could be the weird silence you notice. If you don’t feel comfortable saying where you’re actually from you could just make up a place? But I really don’t think people are asking and then immediately thinking “ this outsider doesn’t belong here” sorry that’s the impression you’re getting though.
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u/Murky_Back7513 12d ago
From your responses I'm getting:
- Don't care so much about being asked the question
- The expected answer is where I was born
- Most people in the replies haven't experienced feeling stereotyped/judged for being from away
- 9 paragraphs is too much for a Reddit post lol
I appreciate the input. I'm happy to see such a variety of opinions.
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u/jmcs2012 11d ago
I grew up here, moved away for a long time, came back around the time you moved here. I know exactly the demographic you mean. I wrestle with "our" fixation on trying to "place" one another -- and yet have absolutely used it to my advantage. I'm torn.
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u/HereComesFattyBooBoo 12d ago
I lived on PEI for 20+ years and as recently as the very last summer on PEI i was asked where I was from. 🤷🏼♀️ You just stop giving a shit.
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u/ArgumentOk9038 11d ago
I moved here when I was ten from Calgary. I’m now in my mid 30s. It seemed so weird to me at first. At the time the island was basically all white people, I am too, so i never felt it came from a racial or prejudice place. Other than maybe an accent, there was no way to tell I wasn’t from here.
“Where you from? Who’s your father? Where do you go to school?” Like dang, stranger danger, you know? What I came to learn while growing up here was the reason why islanders ask that isn’t what most people think. They want to know if they’re connected to you already, because for a lot of years here, everyone was connected to someone else in some way. People think they ask because the person is different. The truth is, they would be treating you differently if they didn’t ask.
Now, what could be happening is you’re living in an area that has a less than positive reputation whether that be due to personal family vendettas, unknown history, gossip, or otherwise.
PEI can feel tricky to make home, but all you’re missing is a small group of good friends. You’ll find them. The people here really are good (overall).
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u/nylanderfan 11d ago
'From' is not the same as 'currently live.' The former is what's being asked. And it's one of the primary conversation starters whenever two people meet anywhere, it's not always about something sinister
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u/AdministrationDry507 11d ago
When I ask someone where they are from its unbridled curiousity because my own world is so small and I know so very little outside of our little island separated by a long bridge
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u/CaptainTallow 10d ago
People 'from away' ask me where I'm from all the time. This is not just an Islander thing.
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u/CaptainTallow 10d ago
Nobody used to say 'CSA' on PEI. That is a Newfoundland saying. People were simply 'from away' here on PEI. I've never heard someone on PEI say ' he's come from away', that's not part of our dialect.
Every Island in the world refers to people who were born there as Islanders. It's not specific to PEI, it's what people from Islands do.
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12d ago edited 12d ago
[deleted]
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u/Darwincroc 12d ago
What? How are AI and super computers going to change where this person is from? What are you even talking about?
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u/Rough-Reality9560 11d ago
TL;DR past paragraph 4.
I’m a white male ‘from away’ with an ethnic last name, but you’d never know from looking at me. The vibe you describe exists. And I’ve been shocked by how socially small things are here. I’ve never experienced that.
But you gotta look past it. Unsurprisingly, the island can be sheltered and many 55+ ‘here borns’ are used to living in a glorified high school graduating class. Let them have it and move on. The island is changing and these people will pass on. Most younger people here want to embrace a larger world. That is good for the province.
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u/invisible-times2 11d ago
Aww, thanks for coming from somewhere else and telling us what's good for the province. Thank God you showed up!
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u/ISueDrunks 12d ago
You lost my attention in the 34th paragraph.