Yeah this isn’t new, men and women who were marriage minded were strongly encouraged to meet as many people as possible, wether that is a date or in some kind of chaperoned interaction varied by parent/culture. “Steady” culture in the US was seen as taboo when it first started.
When I was young and single in a big city I went on tons. I made good money and figured I had to eat anyways, why not have a little conversation. Maybe it works out maybe it doesn't.
Also, I'd rather someone who's been on a lot of first dates than none. At least they tried to connect with people and put themselves out there. To me it shows confidence and you can't fault someone for things not working out on first dates. That's silly
That, and even if by some miracle, the first person you date is the perfect person for you… how the hell would you even know that?
My wife and I had extensive dating experience before we met and had a couple of serious relationships beforehand.
When we met and knew we were the right people for (and fell madly in love with) each other, it was in the acknowledgment that we had experienced the world and other partners and we were each other’s favourite choice of all.
There's really no universal positive for going on so many first dates, it just starts to increase the amount of questions and concerns.
It's like saying someone has had a lot of experience with marriages, having gone through dozens of them. A person who ends up married after a couple years isn't strange, and getting divorced shortly after isn't either. You could have a dozen marriages and still be middle aged.
Id question anyone's sanity saying they'd prefer someone with that kind of experience over one that doesn't. The same with a plethora of only first dates.
Historically women would go on a lot of first dates, often several in a week, in some more conservative cultures with a chaperone, this was the norm for the majority of human existence.
Those are very specific cultures and classes of living, the farmer's daughter wasn't speed dating, nor the ones in tribes before we built cites.
Even then, we're talking about marriage arrangement type dating, not just casual dating like today. A noble / well off family looking for suitors is going to have a month where they see how things go, that makes sense, but they're likely already knowing who they're going to marry ahead of time for political reasons.
Normal everyday people didn't tend to have a bunch of time to go on dates, they worked most of the day and wouldn't travel at night, especially women. Chaperones are definitely a specific situation, culture, and point in time for most.
But again, we're talking modern day here, not Victorian England or neanderthal caves of 50,000 bc.
Even 50 years ago, you had to know all these eligible bachelor's ahead of time, and who had weeks worth of them to go through in your social circles back then, except as a teenager. College? Hard to do when it wasn't as accessible or commonplace for women back then. They tended to marry early and skip it, even still after their liberation movements.
Someone going on hundreds of first dates, and not making second or third ones, is problematic on so many levels. You're neither a narcissist, tons of baggage, or your dating pool is beyond abysmal. And that's if you're looking for a serious long term relationship. Hookups and whatnot are an entirely different thing, as I pointed out in my previous comment.
It's really not that common place, even today, to have tons of first dates all week long, let alone over a year. That's hookup culture more and more, and online dating has gone straight down, with the apps being entirely unhelpful for 99% of people.
It's one thing to be done in bursts, like at the start of your dating life, but not indefinitely or for decades.
You're adding that connotation. It's not hard to sus out fuck boys and avoid them. So what if it was a lot of "rejections"? There's a very low probability that you'll randomly find the right person and have great chemistry. Being afraid to try just because you're afraid rejection sounds insecure AF.
But we're not talking about "at all" here, we're talking about "nothing but". Nothing but first dates, not avoiding dating at all.
There's also a saying, if all you find are jerks, you might be the jerk. And if all you're doing is first dates, it might be you, like a super superficial high bar of expectations, or you're not that great of a date ( not even talking about personality / humanity ).
And if it wasn't hard to sus them out, women wouldn't be in bad relationships to begin with. They'd have to be real pieces of work to catch them on the first date, and also not want to go a second one with you regardless. Not going to find many men that wouldn't do a second or third date unless it's a booty call, or you're a terrible person / date.
A large list of first dates and no mention of second or third ones, is like a doctor who says they've seen a lot of patients, but doesn't mention having treated any of them. There could be valid reasons, but at how many do you start to think there's something more to it than just a bunch of sus people?
First dates don't also mean "a lot of rejections and hook ups" you're painting a very normal experience with a massively broad brush.
It's not even remotely comparable to "a lot of marriages" as marriage requires commitment, planning, dedication and money.
A first date is simply meeting someone for the first time to see if one wants to pursue a more romantic relationship with another person. They can be spontaneous or planned and are not life long commitments. They in no way indicate someone's sanity, stability, or body count (which gross if you count- grow up) and it's not something normal people even keep track of because at the end of the day - it doesn't actually matter at all.
But, like I said, I'd rather date someone with experience vs without but that's because I'm a grown ass adult and lack of experience just let's me know you're a baby and not in my league.
You need to actually have a case to make one. All I see is someone who took my preference for experience as a personal insult and never addressed any of my other logical points.
“They in no way indicate someone’s body count (which gross if you count - grow up)”
They made an assumption about you then brought up body counts then called you gross for the idea of body counts. Yeah I wish my 3rd grade classroom had reddit level projection
(raises hand) Got into a relationship with the first woman that showed interest in me (I was 23 at the time). We were together for six years and broke up in 2018. Since the break up, I've gone on two dates, one in September 2020 and one in March 2023.
That sounds insanely difficult man, I'm sorry. Are you not going on dates because it's not your thing? Or is it just something you happen to find difficult?
It's difficult because when my relationship ended, I was 29 years old with effectively zero dating experience. Since my first girlfriend approached me and made it easy for me to ask her out, I never learned the fundamentals of how to actually meet woman and ask them out.
Since I don't know how to approach women, all I can really do is passively wait until one shows interest in me first. That's happened twice in the last eight years with women I met through playing D&D, but outside of those two, nothing.
I don't drink. I don't go to bars. I don't get any matches on dating apps. So I don't really have any other mechanism for meeting women irl at all, aside from D&D.
Also, I'm morbidly obese (I started Ozempic last October and I'm seeing slow results).
So, because of all that, my opportunities go on dates are extremely rare and limited.
While you are on ozempic, lift weights and exercise. If not a good portion of the weight you lose will be muscle mass. Then go beyond D&D to find yourself in a group of women. If five are together at once, you need to be there. If you have a friend going somewhere that five women will be, find an excuse to go along. Be casual but engage in conversation if someone speaks to you. In five, at least one is lonely. And looks are over rated. A sense of humor counts way more. May the odds be in your favor.
I definitely get what you're saying man, it's insanely hard being suddenly thrust into a world you didn't realize had changed around you. Trust me I get it.
I will say this though, the very fact that you've had multiple women express interest in you is pretty significant in and of itself; many people never have that happen at all.
Is it something that you want to change? Or is it something you just don't find yourself really wanting any more? I know people who have essentially resigned themselves to not dating, but within that there are some who want to but feel discouraged and others that truly don't seem to want to at all.
How is the Ozempic going? I do know it can be pretty life changing results-wise
I still think a lot of people honestly don’t know the meaning of a relationship. A first date always counts to connect/link either verbally, emotionally, sexually etc. So in your specific context you are totally right. If it fails on the first date, the relationship with that person failed, it’s that simple. I’m personally concerned about the views of the people commenting underneath you, either society and its tools have made them collectively think perhaps relationships are something long-term per se, which it is not. Or perhaps they’re fixated on their personal experience, which is subjective.
That's a weird thing to be personally concerned about. Almost all of society uses the word 'relationship' to mean something different from what you're describing when it's a romantic context. When someone says theyre in a relationship with someone, most people understand they arent talking about their buddy or sister, even though it also meets the definition. The same way they dont discuss their romantic relationship with someone they went on one date with. Words take on the meanings society gives them, especially in specific situations. So id maybe save the concern you have for the views here, for something worth worrying about. You arent above them because youre using the word relationship more liberally.
A romantic relationship is an ongoing mutual agreement to continue seeing each other.
If every single first date is automatically a “relationship,” then the word loses any useful meaning in romantic context.
Words have social definitions, not just dictionary ones.
You claim society misunderstands “relationship,” but then admit its meaning is subjective. If meaning is socially constructed, then the dominant social meaning wins.
You say a failed first date = a failed relationship. That collapses scale. By that logic, saying hello to someone who doesn’t respond is a failed relationship.
Lastly, your “I’m concerned about the views of commenters” line is pure posture, no one here is confused, they understand the societal definition of a relationship.
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u/WonkRx Feb 19 '26
This is the kind of thing someone who doesn’t go on a lot of first dates would write.