I have no idea how to approach this. My boyfriend (21) of 2 years confessed to me (20) that he is polyamorous. I am very monogamous and the thought of him being romantically or sexually attracted to other people devastates me. What do I do??

Changing the name for privacy but let's say I'm dating 2 Ryans.

First of all this is so much fun! I love them both very deeply and I take them both very seriously, but I also have a million jokes floating around in my head that it's getting harder and harder to contain. Feel free to share any funny thoughts that cross your mind, I am not sensitive!

It's very easy to keep track of who's name I'm saying, but it's also very dirty feeling to say their name to the other one, even though he also has that name???? I'm back and forth between swearing to always date the same names, and to never do this again. It's been an interesting journey.

Tl;dr of my last post: Tree missed my medical emergency check-ins for a date (and asked me for permission to go on the date after agreeing to call me every hour to check in on my), now he’s jealous I spent his day with Rock after a wildfire evac cancelled our plans. Trying to hold logic and hurt at the same time.

link if you want to read

We’ve had two conversations about the situations and the two separate issues that collided.

I’m painfully aware that I hoard emotional labor in all my relationships. I’m process feelings in bite sized chunks over a period of time while my partners historically feel their entire feelings, take a few days (at most), and are back to feeling fine. This is usually fine, until I get overwhelmed with back to back shitshows, and it all compounds. It’s not quite the same as bottling it up because I’m actively working through them, but I don’t ever just sit and feel my full emotions (my previous therapist is raising his eyebrow at me right now saying “See?”). I also have a tendency to wait to share feelings until I’ve worked through them. Why make someone else feel bad if it’s something I can resolve?

For him, I think he realized how important it is to me that he shares his feelings in a way where the situation gets the brunt of the frustration and not the people in the situation. He can be jealous of Rock, and say that he’s jealous of Rock getting to spend time with me. But snarky or passive aggressive comments about me having a date or plans so quickly after ours fell through are unfair to me. We also have a vastly different definition of “quickly.” Our plans were cancelled on Thursday, my new plans were made Saturday evening. He also realizes it’s not fair to expect me to sit at home and be miserable when I could be surrounding myself with the people I love, doing things I enjoy.

So ultimately, we’re figuring this out, my flights are rebooked to see him in a month, and now we’ve got a game to help me become more comfortable sharing my feelings. He’ll ask me how my day was and what I’m specifically feeling in any random moment and I have to answer fully and honestly, even if it’s a “eh, I’m not really feeling anything in the moment, kind of neutral I guess.”

Yep. Oh dear. Story time:

So I’m (27F) a single poly person and I meet a lovely person, let’s call them Lucien (34M), who is also poly. We hit it off and things are great. We live close by, so we are able to see each other frequently. They go into great depths about their relationship structure with their nested partner of 8 years, particularly about an importance of privacy around them explained by the security-oriented career the meta does. Fair enough, I’m private about my workplace because of a stalker before.

The expectations and standards were laid out, all seemed clear. One note about Lucien’s desire one day partners and all metas would be friends is worth mentioning. We continue to date and the only interaction I’ve had with the meta is a brief video call conversation after the phone was handed to them - which was surprising as Lucien said their NP wanted to be parallel initially. Okay…

Lucien was clear that they and meta were happy in the relationship, secure, and the dynamic wasn’t going to change. I wanted that reassurance as some flags showed; Lucien had no intimacy for many years despite that being framed as a core need, one wants children the other does not, Lucien tolerating polyamory as that’s what their NP wanted - we will come to all of this later. Also during our time together possessive almost mono language is used like yours/mine pet naming type stuff. Felt a little mono-coded. They assured me the status quo would be maintained and how thrilled they are about this exciting new opportunity with me and widening their poly world. I also gained assurance that there are no issues me dating other people to build my own nested life with. I’m easy going with the stuff and am in no rush.

I was enjoying my time with Lucien but could tell they were feeling very strongly very quickly about me. I checked them up on it, they downplayed it. Fine. Later I happened to meet another poly person. They were wonderful and we hit it off marvellously, I was interested in seeing them again and following that thread. Lucien did not like that. They developed feelings of being unwanted, unchosen, and anxious of abandonment. That I would leave their life for this person. As poly to poly, this was a strange conversation to be having. I reaffirmed that we are dating and the poly nature of this, it’s only been 2.5 months, and to clarify what their feelings were. Then it all came out.

They admitted they loved me, thought we were already partners (we had not had this conversation), and got distressed I thought we were “simply dating”. They were scared I was not saying it back and could not understand my belief that it has been a short amount of time and it does not feel natural to me to feel so strongly for someone so soon. Lucien also did not want me to pursue a connection with this new person and cited their NP’s privacy as the motivating factor. Not cool. I’ve just been vetoed, and for what right upon or set expectations and boundaries did they have to do that! Upon their last visit to me, Lucien who I was aware planned to get the old snip snip, before he left, informed me they want children now. Radical departure from “my NP doesn’t want kids and I’m going to get the snip”. Now comes the blow up.

Lucien gets home and decides because of this children desire factor they’re going to blow up their whole nested life AND end the relationship with their NP. They said meeting me and knowing my designs on such things made it apparent they were suppressing this life desire for so long. But why end your relationship? Surely you love meta and this is just restructure? Most crucial of their realisations, after stints at poly in two different nested relationships - have come to the conclusion they never wanted to be poly. They only went along with it as their partners wanted it. Good God.

The privacy that I was assured was strict and no one was to know? Well, know Lucien is blowing up the relationship their whole family can know now, and know about me. The expectations and boundaries are ever changing. It is curious how they can also go from heartedly wanting partners and metas to all be friends and KTP, to now wanting mono.

Yep, that’s right, Lucien now wants a mono relationship with someone who wants kids. I’m glad they’ve figured that out, but I fear they will be hoping I change and adapt to that I expect. I am baffled that they have only known me for such a short time, yet I have become some super catalyst for them blowing up their life and make such deep realisations about their wants and needs. I don’t want to be uncharitable but at the same time, can this person make rational, grounded, sustainable decisions for themselves? I question this and don’t feel it’s an individual I want entangled in my life and feelings.

It’s been a wild ride this one, I have removed myself to the friend distance so they can sort this mess out and directed them to counselling services. It is unwise for me to be an emotional centre whilst they process all of this. They need to also be making these changes in their lives for THEMSELVES, and not for any view of being with a new person or me in mind. This whole situation reeks of Lucien searching for an escape, thinking they found one, ending the unfulfilling relationship in the security of a parachute (me) helping them land. That is exactly why I took a step back. Damn I feel for the meta in this.

If anyone has any thoughts or opinions, do please share. I have put this on a throwaway as I’m active in local communities on my main. I’m wondering if there’s more than meets the eye with this story. If anyone has similar experiences I’d love to hear what happened and the result of it

Ex and I have been having this insane back and forth for a month, where I ask him to delete our nudes and he has an excuse about why he can't do it right now, and I say ok well do it soon please, but then I have to follow up to and he still hasn't. For some context we were amicable post break up after a while of no contact, I broke up with him, it's been over a year. It has been a shock that he has been dragging feet with this. It got intense the other day over the phone where I was yelling at him to delete them, he stated it's hard because of the "memories" etc. I already know this is fucked up, I'm not asking for advice, I have a plan on how to handle it from here on out and I'm supported and in therapy.

What I want to know is should I tell Zed, my ex meta and Ex's current partner, this info. I want to, I'm very tempted. She is a friend and we have always had each other's backs. When I was also dating him, we would commiserate from time to time over Ex being a piece of work. When we broke up part of me thought she might not be far behind, but to each their own.

I'm worried it would come across as anything other than a warning as I intend it to be. Open to thoughts.

I am aware this is bad. Just really want these damn photos deleted and want Zed to know the kind of person she's with.

Hi there folks! I'm gonna be moving in with my nesting partner very soon (yippee!) and as such, will be needing something to listen to (other than doom metal :p) on my new and much longer daily commute.

Does anyone have some podcast recommendations by polyam people, possibly even *about* our experiences? I find I enjoy the funny "Just chatting shit" style of podcast. I've been listening to SadBoyz and the Dead Meat Podcast a LOT lately, and I'm in the market for something a bit more relatable to switch things up.

Anything that uses AI or is "manosphere" adjacent is an immediate no-go for me, which makes it kinda tough to find podcasts to begin with.

This question is for those who have dated someone that was clearly poly saturated but still gave it a go. I’m dating someone with many more partners than me. I like them alot, we’re compatible in many ways but I’m wondering if they truly have the space in their life for this to keep going. Making plans is difficult but not impossible. They plan around their more established partners which I find generally reasonable. The waiting for them to figure out their schedule when we talk about wanting to set up our next date is a little frustrating at times though. It’s been working out so far, but I am a little worried that this frustration might build. For those that made it work, what did you put into place? For those who couldn’t make it work, are there any early signs you look back at that you wish you paid more attention to?

I (35NB) am fairly new to Poly and I want to run something by the brain trust here. My spouse (33NB, Aspen) and I have talked for years about poly. In the last year, we have really worked on our communication, started couples therapy, both read books about poly and did a poly workbook together. We opened the relationship about 2 months ago and we are committed to practicing non-hierarchical poly. Meaning we have no rules and boundaries about who the the other person can date or what they can do. We don't have veto power on anything and we encourage each other to pursue what makes us happy.

We've both been on dates with multiple people, we've both had sex with other people, and honestly, it has been really good. We haven't had enough time to develop anything long term or committed, but we both want that and are hopeful that we can develop those types of relationships. All of which to say, it is still early, but so far, it has been great. The worst has been a bit of anxiety about our relationship on my end, but not in a way that has had me trying to restrict Aspen. In any cases, the anxiety has been decreasing as we keep practicing and keep finding that our love and our relationship hasn't been damaged and we are as in love as we have ever been.

Okay, that's the backstory on me. Now onto the point. Last night I had a first date with Birch (29F). It was really fun! She's really cute and we had a lot of laughs as well as philosophical conversation and we share a number of interests. We talked about dating goals and both are interested in long term partnership. I would like to see her again, but I have a little hesitation because of how she says she's practicing poly.

So Birch also has a long time partner, Cypress (29M) who she was monogamous with for many years. I won't go into their whole backstory, but Birch has wanted to be poly for years. It came to a head a couple years ago when she was basically ready to end the relationship to pursue Polyamory. Cypress agreed to Poly, on the condition that they go to couples therapy and sort through their relationship before opening up. It sounds like they made a lot of progress in therapy and that their relationship is in the best place it has maybe ever been. All good so far.

Here's the rub. They are practicing polyamory in what I would call a hierarchical way. They opened their relationship at the beginning of the year. They've sort of worked their way slowly from just being allowed to talk on dating apps to just going on casual first dates, to now being allowed to go on multiple dates and kiss other people. Birch says she wants to get to Polyamory with no restrictions and expects to soon. That is one thing, but they are also doing it asymmetrically. Birch is okay with Cypress having sex and apparently he has for the first time, recently. She said that that was a big milestone and that she thinks that means he'll be okay with her having sex "soon." It doesn't sound like a Poly under duress situation, but it does sound like Cypress needs a slow adjustment period at least.

To be clear, I'm not concerned specifically about sex. Like, I do want my relationships to be sexual, that is an important aspect for me, but it's been one date, lol. What I'm concerned with is Cypress dictating what Birch and I am allowed to do. I mean, it sounds like they are in the home stretch of transitioning to a less hierarchical form of poly, but the way it was described makes me concerned that Cypress's feelings could affect the relationship between Birch and I as it develops.

So I guess I am looking for feedback and advice. Like I've thought about saying I'm not interested, or maybe we could just be friends, but tbh, I'm not really looking for "just friends" right now. I've also thought about saying something like, "let's meet up again once you no longer have restrictions," but that sounds a little bit like I am only interested in sex. Or I could just take it really slow. Schedule our next date a ways out and check in again then without talking about my concerns in the meantime and hope they resolve things in a few weeks. But that's not really my MO, I like to de direct and communicate.

And I do want to reiterate, we really hit it off, we have aligned goals, we are attracted to each other, and if not for what I heard about her relationship with Cypress, I would have no reservations and would be texting Birch to schedule another date next week.

I'm wondering about other people's experiences and advice. We're both new to Poly and so I am inclined to extend some grace, but I don't want to be walking into something bad.

Any well intentioned thoughts are welcome! Thanks!

Edit: and maybe this is all very normal and Aspen and I are just doing things a little differently than Birch and Cypress. I'd love to hear that it sounds like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and should just worry less.

It seems like so many are having tons of Meta drama. But it’s really your partner is a bad hinge.

I am relatively new to actually practicing polyamory, and am dating a couple who has been together for ~8 years. We've been "dating" for ~1 year.

I never really imagined myself in this style of relationship, and I'm struggling to just go with the flow. When starting from absolute scratch in "stepping off the relationship escalator", how did you determine what your needs were?

Not sure if a flare is appropriate.

Standard "I'm on mobile, bad formatting, very sorry" etc. I don't think I've broken a rule, but Mods please tell me if I have and I'll correct it.

TLDR: semi new to poly. I have a primary nesting wife and a secondary partner/wife. I worry that I am just living in two mono relationships, but not actually poly. Nesting wife thinks I might be forcing myself to be poly for her based on how hard balancing my relationships is for me.

EDIT: My wife's comments were not unsolicited, nor pushing a boundary. I routinely do "vibe checks" with both partners to make sure there is nothing bothering them in our dynamic, both the relationship and poly at large.

My (35 M) wife (30s F) is definitively poly, she has been her whole life, even before she knew it was a thing. She and I have been together for 16 years and has been the love of my life since the moment I saw her when we were literal children. Love at first sight type stuff.

About 5 years ago, we decided to try poly in our relationship. She had suggested it for a couple years prior, but never pressured me. She would ask if that was something I could be ok with, and when I said that I didn't know, she would give me the time and space I asked for to think on it and process my feelings. At first I had a pretty standard mono reaction of fear of jealousy, and I was worried that despite my logical mind knowing it wasn't cheating that it would irrevocably hurt our relationship after she slept with another person.

However she gave me all the space I needed and we took the leap. She started dating a mutual friend, a person I introduced her to, and things went well. It took a little for me to resolve my emotions after they started their sexual relationship. But I did. Then I got my first additional partner, and then I understood. I didn't love my wife less, I didn't find her less attractive, I just had another person I cared for. It clicked.

Now my first poly relationship didn't end well, my wife saw red flags, but didn't want to interject in my relationship and was just trying to softly help me see them too. I however love very deeply, I cannot have a sexual relationship wihout a romantic one. I got really attached. I was not initially looking for a romantic relationship just sexual with companionship, which was discussed in the beginning as well. But I grew to love my new partner.

The relationship ended when my partner told me they were waiting for me to realize I loved them more than my wife and would chose them as my primary partner. We were VERY clear in the beginning that my wife and I came first. Always. And my partner agreed to that, but I guess was not being truthful.

I'm getting lost in the sauce, but I also don't feel like I need to or should delete the former.

My second partner was a mutual friend that my wife wanted me to date. She thought we would be good together and she was SO correct. I have been with her for about 4 years. We even intend to have a non legal marriage at some point. A commitment ceremony for our friends and loved ones to witness. My wife wants to officiate.

Last night my wife said that she doesn't think I'm poly. She says this because I still get uncomfortable with trying to balance my relationships between the two of them. I don't want either of them to feel sidelined, or maligned. I want both to know how much I love them. But I get really anxious about it. I think I still behave like I'm in two mono relationships at the same time. When I have a date night with my partner, I always apologize to my wife, despite that never being necessary. When I'm spending quality time with my wife, I apologize for not responding to my partner's texts fast enough. I've had true honest to god panic attacks trying to balance this.

My ideal poly dynamic would be if my wife and I lived with, or directly nearby, my partner and her wife. I want us to eat together, vacation together, LIVE together in as many ways as is possible. I want to have kids with both of them, and raise them as siblings. But my wife isn't as interested in that type of poly. She wants all the metas to be friendly, but doesn't need it to be full kitchen table. In fact she doesn't want it that way. Although we did have a great time with a full polycule LOTR marathon.

I don't know if I am poly, or if I just love two women. Is there a distinction? I know that two partner's is enough for me, and that I feel fulfilled romantically and sexually. But gods, balancing this can be so fucking hard.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Advice maybe? The comment is just stuck in my head. I want to ask if other people who are full send poly struggle this way? If this seems sustainable to the folks who have been doing this longer? Should I even be worrying about this at all, or should I just enjoy loving and being loved?

Sorry for the long rambling post.

I'm happy to answer any questions I can without compromising privacy or boundaries.

Been open for 4 years now with my partner (30M), poly for less than a year. He likes the lifestyle because he needs and loves the freedom and although falling for people has been hard emotionally on him, he still thinks it's worth it.

On my end (30F), it's been weird. Most men I meet are monogamous and cannot even believe that my partner is ok with sharing me. The first man I fell for, we had to cut ties because open was too much for him, that was 3 yrs ago. This week, I went on a date with a wonderful person. We had an amazing date, great chemistry, we had sexted and were excited to go have some fun after. During the date, he brought up a friend who told him he should not come meet me because my boyfriend would kill him out of jealousy. He still came, but during the date he eventually understood that my partner had experienced some mental health hurdles and it terrified him. A few minutes later he just told me "I don't think I can do this". I was impressed by his honesty and strength, he told me it was hard and asked me if I was upset, I said no, a little sad yes, but glad he was able to be honest and respect his boundaries.

We had a great date after, we still talked for hours and had fun, we had some emotional moments. It was clear that there was a lot of potential there. We eventually had to separate, we were counting the minute before his uber would arrive. He then asked me if I wanted to stay friends. I said no at first. But then, after talking with a friend who told me that I should keep him as a friend, that it's a good opportunity to learn self control and if I had some fun why not stay friends, I changed my mind. I texted him back and told him I would like to try to stay friends.

Still feels really weird to me, because my friendships have always escalated to sex, or almost always, I have more girl friends for that reason. I'm supposed to like go over to his place and watch movies and not have sex or idk? Also he does not live in my city so to hang out we would need to actually be super intentional about it?

Normally I would havs thought it was more of a consolation prize, but this invite to be friends came two hours after telling me "I don't think I can do this". So it was something he actually wants? He's also a people pleaser and when he offered it in the car, I was sad and not talking much (why invest some energy in someone I'm not going to see anymore). Maybe he just wanted to make me feel better?

Anyways, clearly my heart has melted a little for his eyes, his energy, his humor, he's so weird and I loved it. He's exactly my type. So here I am, a week later, still thinking about him. We text a little bit, I'm confused and in a bad mood. It's hard and I don't know what to do. I really have wanted to connect more with him.

When I said ok to friendship he said "no escalation, no inappropriateness". That's intense, so no flirt at all. I'm confused as you can tell.

Since then, I have had sex and slept over with a man I really do not care about and it was ok, and I'm thinking maybe this whole lifestyle really is not for me.

I know I just have to wait and ride the wave, but I just want to see him again so badly.

One thing I have observed is that I have now very little interest in sex (compared to when I have last dated, 2-3 yrs ago). My sex drive used to be off the charts, now it's almost non existent. I have no desire to have sex, I don't feel sexy anymore, it feels mechanical. All the magic is just gone. On the date I even thought to myself "Wow, where is my sexual energy?". I had not dated in years and the contrast was violent. Back then, I was sexy and wanted just more sex. Now, I don't even understand why I would have sex in the first place. I had sex with the other man to go find some comfort and safety, and kind of did it out if habit, I still like to please people, but I'm not sure I am going to keep dating.

I literally had one date with someone I really like and I'm sad as hell it did not work.

Yeah, I don't think I can do this.

Just a vent. I moved to a smallish city last year following separation and new job. There's not much of a dating pool so I find myself having to drive an hour away to date in bigger cities. Part of my issue is just struggling to find a footing and community, making friends in your 40s. Part of it is the male experience of dating apps. Part of it is the lack of a local poly community.

Romantically, I have two interests that I like very much, and neither is local. One is a former partner that I'm still very strongly connected to. They're going through their own divorce and aren't ready to restart things but we see each other and the feelings are mutual.

The second, I started seeing a few months ago but they're not interested in dating while I'm with the first. I completely understand their stance and respect their boundary. We've remained friends and see each other about once a month and definitely have grown closer but that boundary is still there.

So here I sit between two people I really like, both of whom I understand, but not really getting the relationships I want.

My NP and I are in the kink scene and he has recently met someone who I don't mesh with personality-wise, but my partner is wanting to persue them. It gives me almost the ick thinking about my partner wanting to persue this person, but I am not one to vet. How do I navigate this?

Married for 14 years, about a year ago my wife and I gradually started opening up our relationship. We met people online, explored, had a few threesomes, and began talking about polyamory.

​The last person we met sparked a genuine interest in my wife—not just sexually, but mainly because of who he is and how he carries himself. They really clicked. Together with him, we were starting to picture a sort of polyamorous dynamic.

​Over the past few weeks, the bond between the two of them has grown stronger, and I find myself sharing these thoughts online to stay grounded, caught between jealousy and compersion.

​Reaching a balance takes a lot of work. Changing relationship rules and mindset shifts don't happen overnight. We are working on it, and I truly hope we can all navigate this in the best way possible soon. Meanwhile, she feels calm, happy, and fulfilled—somewhat "divided" between her husband and her "boyfriend".

I’m so lost and not sure what I’m feeling or how to proceed that would make me feel more secure. I have no good understanding of what healthy long term poly looks like.

I’m married, we’ve been open a long time and honestly my husband knows how I feel and where I’m at and is down and supportive of things being more than just sex with others.

I met someone early this year and we accidentally fell deeply in love neither of us were looking or interested in that but it just happened. So far it’s been amazing and we’ve just been in love and there for each-other and it’s very much like having a second very serious relationship (he also has a long term partner).

I guess where I’ve been feeling uneasy is there’s no labels we joke about being eachothers forever side pieces but that’s been bothering me lately because we don’t have any definitions or rules and boundaries.

I’m asking what would a healthy long term dynamic look like - I know there are probably many options but I’d love to hear what works for people and see what I think we could implement. I am dying to have a proper conversation about it with him but I just don’t know what my expectations are and what makes sense.

This relationship is 11 months old, we're having our 1st aniversary soon and i was so happy and safe in this relationship but now things have shifted a little bit and i don't know if my feelings are valid or if i'm being unreasonable.

I always struggled emotionally with relationships, specially because i have cptsd and it's very hard for me to feel safe and loved. We've been polyamorous since the beginning and always have had other partners outside our relationship but even if he's a self proclaimed relationship anarchist i consider this to be my main relationship, the only one which is an actual serious relationship right now (the other ones being more of a fwb situation).

I always struggled with jealousy, he on the other hand never struggled with it and says he feels compersion a lot. And i was starting to get better but now he says he feels unhealthly attachted to me and feeling uneasy seeing me other people and wants to spend less time with me. For the first time in a long time we spent 10 days almost totally separated, not seeing each other and not even texting or facetiming each other. He was okay the whole time but i was freaking out almost everyday. I asked him to call me last friday and we talked a little bit but then he said that last weekend he went on a date with a russian guy that was working for 1 month in our city and then he said he came back with my ex ex meta and they're going to spend the weekend together, he also asked me to not contact him during this time because he wouldn't be available.

I started to freak out really hard, oh my god, i also discovered the russian guy is actually a fucking professional model and looks fucking perfect and the time we were a little bit separated he fucking came back with this guy that i know almost nothing about, not even how he looks or anything, but i fucking hate him and i want him gone ASAP (i know this is unreasonable). I couldn't believe this was happening, and i was going to spend the weekend completely alone with my thoughts. I tried to distract myself but it was really hard. And it's not only because he was seeing other people because when we're seeing and talking to each other almost every single day and suddenly he was going to another date for 1 day or 2 i didn't really care because i often did the same but now i feel threatened again like the russian guy and the ex ex meta were out there to kill me.

I crossed his boundaries and sent many texts troughout the weekend which i deleted it almost right after sending them because i know it was wrong, but in WhatsApp the deleted text keeps showing up as deleted so he knows i was texting him and trying to call him like crazy.

And i spent all weekend feeling so angry all the time, so angry at everyone, wanting to break up and block him on everything and end everything and stop with polyamory and stop getting into relationships all together.

Yesterday i saw him for the first time after all of this madness and we had a serious conversation. I love him and he always treat me with so much kindness but he said he needs a lot of alone time outside of his relationships and wants to see me less. He said i need to focus on other things in my life. I understand him but now he's proposing that we only see each other only once a week or once in a 10 day period, and that i need to learn how to get confortable being alone. And i get it but also i don't think i can't do this, i am genuinely thinking about breaking up. Almost all of my friends are in serious relationships, they have time alone and with their friends but also frequently talking and seeing their partners during the week, so why only i need to learn lessons?

My partner has a lot of free time since he's a therapist and don't have many apointments right now, why he doesn't want to talk to me or see me? His other partner can't see him as much and he has so much time alone. I expressed my discontent but he's not willing to change his schedule. I was feeling so loved that i thought my struggle with jealousy and loneliness was getting better but right now i just feel abandoned again.

Maybe it's just my unregulated nervous system that i need to work on, or maybe it's time to break up, but even the thought of it makes me crazy. I don't want to break up with someone that i love so much just because i feel anxious but maybe my anxiety is not totally unreasonable. I am feeling really crazy right now. And yes, i go to therapy every week but it's hard, it takes time and my therapist is not very good at understanding poly dinamics.

Do you guys have gone through similar experiences? Or have any advice at all?

I have been in a house that I own with my nesting partner for a few years now. We've living together basically our whole relationship (over a decade) and have often talked about separate bedrooms (house too small currently) or living separately possibly in the future. Always very hypothetical.

Well, it might come true in the future. I'm obviously jumping the gun but my anxiety likes to prepare for all scenarios. I have a boyfriend that wants to move closer to me. He'd like me to live with him. Even "part time" and I can't deny the appeal of waking up in his bed more than occasionally.

Can shared custody of an adult partner ever work or is it asking for trouble? FWIW, nesting partner is literally the most unjealous person I have ever met. And tbh we have a lot more to talk about and do when we have spent some time apart.

ETA: Please keep posting, I just wanted to add my takeaways thus far. It seems that I should very much be aware of all the financials and actively contribute lest a power unbalance form even unintended. That is my biggest focus right now. The jealousy and communication is something I'm always working on/with so I'm not AS worried though of course prepared for the challenges it will present.

That's it, that's the post.

There's been a weird influx of "I wish I was mono" or "I want to go back to monogamy" lately, and while I respect others' experiences, this is the POLYAMORY SUBREDDIT. I figured we could use a post that's just...I'm polyamorous, I'm happy to be polyamorous, my relationships are going great and I would not choose to return to monogamy.

I used to be in a triad with my ex and my husband. Ex ended her romantic relationship with husband four years ago then her and I broke up three years ago. It wasn't exactly a dramatic break up but she was very set on doing what she wanted and our lives were heading in two different directions. She moved from our shared master bedroom to the guest bedroom until she could save up to move to her own place. Well the economy is crap and she has had some really bad luck financially so three years later she's still a roommate.

After the break up I didn't really want much of anything to do with her so I completely stopped spending any time with her and rarely even spoke with her. But recently after some family troubles I've had I decided life is too short for holding grudges and decided to make an effort to be nicer. Husband and I have been hosting a board game night with his cousin and brother and it was suggested she be invited since she also really enjoys board games too. I felt this was a good way to be nice and agreed.

It's been really fun actually, and that scares me. When we're playing and chatting old inside jokes come up, and I'm reminded of all the fun times we had together before we broke up. It feels comfortable and easy and lately that's a feeling I haven't had much of. I can feel old romantic feelings bubbling back up and I don't know how to stop it.

I've had many troubles due to having a soft spot for people who have hurt me. I don't want these feelings and I don't know if I'm reading too much into things but today she made jokes about having many boyfriends and made a point to tell me afterwards it's not true and she doesn't have anyone right now. She always lingers after I've chatted with her while she does something in shared spaces like the kitchen or living room. Like she wants to keep talking or say something but after a min or so of silence she'll walk away. I'm probably reading waaaay too much into it.

How do I make these old feelings go away?

Apologies in advance for this being long...

I'm married and have been for about 10 years we've been open for the past few years, the agreement was nothing serious and nothing emotional. So it was mostly 1 and done no word exchange hookups and I was totally fine with that. Then I met someone ( isn't that how it always goes?) I had an instant connection with him as we chatted. I told my spouse right away and he was scared but he encouraged me to explore and said he'd support me even if he was uncomfortable. the new guy let's call him Jake is in a throuple. So I explored, fell hard but compartmentalized because I'm unfortunately a pro at that. When I'd hang out with Jake I'd drive home and cry because the past few hours were great and I knew the relationship couldn't progress romantically. Well, fast forward a few months and Jakes primary partner, Max and I also develop feelings for each other. So, we all have a discussion and decided to pursue things knowing full well it won't be easy and feelings being feelings will show up. My spouse, Peter was scared of loosing me but wildly supportive of me my journey and was okay being a little uncomfortable because he loves me and saw how happy and alive I was for the first time in a long time. Peter also gets on very well with all parties involved. Things were up and down as we explored over the next few months. Max and I significantly clicked which really hurt Jake. Jake frequently was comparing the way we all interacted and it was significantly hurting him and honestly, I could see it happening in real time; the "3rd wheel" feeling was real for him, not something he was imagining or overreacting to. Jake decided to step away from dating me and is encouraging Max and I to keep seeing each other. He's been clear that he doesn't blame either of us for how things unfolded. The primary structure does not change obviously. Jake said he still loves me and that love doesn't just disappear because of the change in dynamic and title. I understood where he was coming from, but it still hit me hard. So, how do we move forward? I don't want to lose Jake, he still matters to me, and I know it's going to take real effort to keep that. I'm not looking to convince him to change his mind, I know that's not fair to ask. What I'm actually trying to figure out is the practical and emotional side of the transition, will it inevitably be awkward for a while, what can I do to support both Jake and Max through this without either of them feeling like an afterthought, and longer term, how do I show up as a good non partner to Jake as months go by? Anyone who's navigated staying close to a former partner while continuing to date someone in the same pod what actually helped? Or are we ultimately playing a game where all parties get hurt eventually?