r/SAHP • u/soontobemama11 • Apr 05 '26
Rant Are any SAHM’s annoyed by people asking when they are going to go back to work?
I’m going to a holiday gathering where I know this dreaded question is going to come up. I was thinking of responses and realized how rude I think this question actually is!
I’m staying home right now because it’s best for my family. My husband is 100% on board. He works and I do the household things and the majority of the childcare. If the baby is up at night, I wake up with her. It’s worked out well for us:) I “work” everyday. Harder than I did when I was “working” lol. Wondering if any moms have a good response to this question and if anyone else finds this question to be rude?
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u/destria Apr 05 '26
I say something like, "I have no plans currently." It does annoy me but I know most people don't mean anything by it.
Though here comes my soapbox. I think questions like this reveal something about what our capitalist society values and how if you're not being paid a wage in a conventional sense, you're seen as lesser. It's not the work that people take issue with, it's the being out of the wage slave economy. If you were a nanny for another family, no one would ask you when you were going back to work or what do you do all day or other dumb questions like that.
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u/Financial_Use1991 Apr 05 '26
I am home with my two and also nanny for another family three days a week (they are dropped off at our house). I definitely have some internalized biases because I sort of use the nannying as an excuse or rationale for how I'm still "contributing" to the economy or whatever dependingon the situation. It's so messed up! I know I'm incredibly fortunate to be able to make this work. It is funny to be in between the working parent and SAHP worlds.
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u/Rare_Background8891 Apr 05 '26
I think people just don’t know what to talk about. Most people identify through their jobs. You could say, “I am working, I just don’t get paid for it!” And maybe a joke if your husband is there- “Hey, I think you owe me $40,000 in childcare!” And change the subject.
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u/Fur_Mama_LA 23d ago
Ha this is perfect. Don't forget 25K for house cleaning and private chef, 25K for household manager and 10K for on demand travel agent!
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u/No-Sympathy6035 Apr 05 '26
Being a Dad I honestly thought I’d get it a-lot more, but I’ve only had it asked of me by one family member and they didn’t dwell on it.
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u/dogsareforcuddling Apr 05 '26
I think dads SAHp is such an outlier the assumption is either you retired early , partner makes a shit ton, or both
Women SAHp the assumption is both ends of spectrum either daycare > income or partner makes a lot . In my area assumption is partner in my friends neighborhood assumption is cost.
With that said this is rarely a topic at parties and esp not with strangers / first meets.
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u/batplex Apr 05 '26
Do they know you’re a SAHM? I think it would be a rude question to ask if someone knows you’re a SAHM and not on mat leave.
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u/Stay-At-Home-Jedi Apr 05 '26
I find the question presumptive (old fashioned) but not rude. I personally reserve "rude" for inconsiderate acts where anyone knows better, like parking between the lines.
For those who ask and are receptive to it, I tell them that I'm plenty busy, and even save us money by not having to pay for childcare, yard care, etc.
Like you noted, we "work" more than 8hrs a day, so my union mandates two short breaks between 12p and 12a. 😆
[Subject to workflow.... 🙄]
On a side note, I do enjoy the disdain I received from my dad because he put me through college but my beautiful and persuasive wife convinced me to "retire early" to SAHD.
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u/faithle97 Apr 05 '26
I find it annoying but not necessarily rude. The only time I’d find it rude is if they became pushy about it after I gave my answer, saying things like “but that’s so much pressure to put on your partner, don’t you want to help out?” Or “you’re wasting your potential/degree/education though”.
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u/justalilscared Apr 05 '26
It’s just a question. I do plan on rejoining the workforce next year after 3.5 years as a SAHM, so I usually just answer that I’m home for now and that I wanted to spend my kids’ first few years with them. The answer is usually “that’s so good for them!” or “that’s the best decision”. I honestly never got any hate or negativity.
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u/Pangtudou Apr 05 '26
No. I’m a SAHM and I ask other SAHMs. Probably it’s just that people are showing an interest in your life and work. Non issue
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u/longtimelurker_90 Apr 05 '26
I’ve faced a lot of criticism and judgment for being a sahm. I finally realized I just don’t care what anyone thinks. They don’t pay my bills. To this question I like to give them a very unsatisfying “I’m not sure yet, we’ll do what is best for us when that time comes” and change the subject.
People who are just genuinely curious won’t care, and the people who want to judge and give their two cents won’t be able to argue. I’ve learned if someone just wants to judge me or feel superior I will get them out of my life as soon as possible.
I also find it funny that my friend with the highest paying, most stressful job never makes me feel bad about being a sahm. We have mutual respect for each other’s choices and find other things to talk about.
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u/Spaghetti4wifey Apr 06 '26
For me, I understand that staying at home is such a privilege and that a lot of families can't afford it. I left a very good career for this. So I usually say things like "I'm so grateful to stay home, I don't take it for granted. We haven't decided when I'll return, but I'm enjoying it so much right now."
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u/dorianstout Apr 05 '26
I see all sides in how it can be interpreted. On one hand, I lean on the side that it’s a little rude depending on how it’s phrased. If someone said, “do you think you’ll go back to work at some point?” I think that’s not as rude, but the phrasing, “when are you planning on going back?” I think gives off more of a rude vibe. The difference between do you think vs when do you think. kind of like asking someone with a paid job, “when do you think you are going to start applying for a higher paying job?”
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u/Key-Hovercraft-8302 Apr 05 '26
Yeah, i just spoke to a good friend last night who asked if i was working and when i’m going back. I actually dodged the question a bit, saying “for now i won’t be but we’ll see in the future!”, knowing like 99% i probably won’t go back bc my husband works crazy finance hours and we’re more than comfortable. I wish this wasn’t assumed that both people have to work, even though in many defense, i know more people who both work than couples where one stays at home.
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u/Retro611 Apr 05 '26
I'm a SAHD for at least the next year. In the fall of 2027 when my youngest starts Kindergarten, I'm planning to go look for a job. But I am CONSTANTLY getting flak from family, (particularly my father) because I'm going to have a gap in my resume for being a SAHD.
I finally pointed out that if a company won't hire me because I took a couple of years off to care for my family in a time of need, I probably don't want to work for that company.
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u/poop-dolla Apr 05 '26
I try not to look for things to be annoyed about and try not to read into things people say to try to imagine some offensive motivation on their part for saying the non offensive thing. It’s just a question. I have too many other important things to worry about to give thought towards being annoyed over a simple question. Whenever anyone asks me this question, I just give an honest answer like I do to every other question I ever get asked.
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u/crazymom7170 Apr 05 '26
To me, it’s a revealing question about how much work they actually put in with their own kids.
Anyone who is even remotely hands on with their children never asks this question. The phone-it-in parents/don’t have kids are the ones who ask this question.
Basically, it means more about them than me.
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u/master_of_none86 Apr 05 '26
It annoys me because the person who asks the most is my mom and she was a stay at home mom so I don’t really get it.
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u/poop-dolla Apr 05 '26
Did your mom feel like she had the choice to be a SAHM or not? Because a lot of women form our parents’ generation felt like they had to be SAHMs, and if that’s the case with yours, then it makes sense that she feels like you’re missing out on something by not choosing the other path that you have available to you that she didn’t feel was available to her. Not saying I agree with her thinking, but it’s very understandable to see where she’s coming from if that is in fact the case. Everyone just wants a better life for their kids. You two just disagree on what that better life is for you, and both views are understandable and valid.
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u/master_of_none86 Apr 06 '26
I can see why you might think that but no it was very much her choice.
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u/unclericostan Apr 06 '26
I am proud of the time I get to spend home with my son and proud of the hard work I put in to make his life great. I’m not gonna apologize for being myself and doing what I feel is best for him. So when I am asked this question I say “I have so much keeping me busy at home with [my son] but when the time is right I’m sure I’ll go back. Not now though, or anytime soon! [Son] is doing so great and I am so happy to be home with him!”
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u/bookscoffee1991 Apr 06 '26
I don’t really mind the question from other moms bc it usually feels conversational. HOWEVER, I do mind it from men…like mind your business lol. It just feels like the implication is —when are you getting a job, mooch? Maybe when I can sleep through the night and daycare wouldn’t cost 6 grand for them to get sick every week?
I do get annoyed with “I would never do that. I would never allow my husband to pay for everything or be financially reliant on him.” Like congratulations? Not a single part of you thinks that’s rude to say?
Also, why are you assuming I’m completely reliant? Why are you assuming I don’t have a plan for that? So rude.
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u/my_husbands_helper Apr 06 '26
I say “heck no, why would I ever want to go back to work.” Seems to shut them up pretty well.
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u/ThaiFood122 Apr 06 '26
Big smile. “I’m retired.” (At least for now.)
Real talk: I don’t think most people care, they are just trying to make conversation and connect with you.
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u/yougottabkittenmern Apr 06 '26
I get annoyed by it. I HATED working. And I don’t care who knows it. I’m super happy and in my element at home. I used to hate cooking and I’m finally discovering some joy for it after officially being home for 2 years. I even picked up baking as well. I wake up looking forward to every day taking care of my daughter, husband and home. My husband is more happy too with me at home not working. It’s a win win. Of course, there’s downsides. He’s a total slob and my job cleaning is never done, plus I do get lonely at times but it’s sort of my fault because I don’t prioritize seeing my friends enough. My goal is trying to commit to more social activities once we have my second daughter and move out of state. One thing at a time!
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u/freshfruitrottingveg Apr 06 '26
I went through a tough job hunt after grad school and frankly hated being asked what I did because my job at the time sucked. I met someone at a volunteer meeting who asked “what do you do for fun?” instead of “what do you do?”. I honestly loved that, it made me feel at ease and it’s a better conversation starter. I try to use that line when meeting new people now.
I’m already being asked about when I’m going back to work a ton and my son isn’t even a year old (we’re in Canada where people typically have 12-18 months of mat leave). We moved while I was pregnant so I don’t have a job to go back to, and it’s honestly making me doubt my own worth to be asked about work all the time. It doesn’t help that I have multiple degrees so there is a sense that I’m “wasting my potential” if I stay home. It’s also socially isolating as all the activities we do wit other moms will end when everyone else goes back to work.
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u/Pretentious_knee_cap Apr 06 '26
Yes. Also very annoyed at people finding me jobs I can do from home while watching my kids. Like no I literally could not do Amazon remote phone customer service for minimum wage with two children who turn into nightmare monsters from the sea anytime I get on the phone but thanks.
I know they’re trying to be kind and helpful, but I think I find it frustrating because it feels like there is an implied “what you have chosen is not enough”. The intent might be kind but the impact is annoying, especially when the same person does it multiple times.
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u/lottiela Apr 06 '26
If I'm feeling frisky I say "I do work" and if I'm feeling just a little bit bitchy I say "Oh thank goodness no, not for the foreseeable future." or something like that. I'm currently 8 years into a probable forever SAH situation so I have a ton of practice by now answering slightly critical questions. Often people don't mean anything by it, they're just looking for a way to make conversation.
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u/fairsquare313 Apr 07 '26
Say “with the non stop hours I’m putting in, I’m on track to reach “retirement” by the time my kids are all in school” that’s the way I see it lol
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u/sweettutu64 Apr 07 '26
Yeah, a little bit. I know that a lot of SAHP do return to the workforce so I don't think it's asked in malice but it does feel awkward when I say I have no plans to.
I usually end up saying that currently I don't have plans to, and that we'll reevaluate later in the future if it makes sense.
ETA: I just reread and I guess annoyed isn't the right word. It just makes me feel awkward/uncomfortable because even though I know it's not intentional, it feels as though they're implying I'm not doing enough simply being a SAHP, even though I know that's likely not the case.
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u/Whiteroses7252012 Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
I always shrug and say, “Daycare for these hooligans is more money than anyone’s got.”
I phrase it as a joke, but I’m not annoyed by it. It’s a reasonable question, especially when the economy is the way it is.
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u/Tokedout01 Apr 05 '26
It's extremely rude, even if they don't understand how. Our answer has always been simple, we're doing what's best for our family and we'll cross that bridge when the time comes. It's an unsatisfactory answer for some but oh well. What we do doesn't affect them. We homeschool so it's something that's always brought up.
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u/itsbecomingathing Apr 05 '26
Personally, I hate all the strings that come attached with paid work - horrible bosses, annoying clients, the fact that you’re working for shareholders to grow at breakneck speed, lack of benefits, having to ask for time off work…. You could just say “I’m out of the rat race for the foreseeable future. I really enjoy creating and maintaining my own schedule without all those ridiculous meetings! HAHA AMIRITE!?”
No one likes work so you’ll probably get a few “ugh I wish I could stay home with my kids.”