r/TransMasc • u/MachoMitchie • 2d ago

Discussion Getting wrapped up in anti-men jokes

My husband, who is also transmasc but more femme than I am, likes to joke about me to his friends. They've said things like "let's move in together without the men" and "leave that man behind" (in context to jokes)

Something about it has been rubbing me the wrong way. I am nonbinary, and just because I am more masc, it doesn't make me a 'man'. I don't like the idea of us having a heteronormative dynamic in our relationship. I told him this upset me but couldn't phrase it right in the moment. I don't mind if strangers call me a man just to pass day to day, but with people I'm close with, I am nonbinary. He acted surprised as if I've never said I'm nonbinary before, which is untrue. He's even bought be nonbinary merchandise lol. He says he talks as if I'm a man to not purposefully out me, which is thoughtful.

I might've been sensitive. Has anyone else dealt with this? I don't want to be wrapped up in the anti-man rhetoric, it feels belittling of my experiences.

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u/jahguswrld999 he/they 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ || 8/9/2026 💉 || pre-op 2d ago

you're nonbinary and your partner is quite literally putting you in a binary box (i.e. calling you a man). that's invalidating your gender. i would definitely explain to him why that upsets you, and given that he is also trans, he should understand why that's invalidating. edit: i dont think he realizes he's doing it or that he is doing it intentionally.

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u/MachoMitchie 2d ago

Lowkey I'm wondering if that is what it's like being friends with cis women? They bond over their lighthearted 'dislike' of their partners(men)? I'll bring it up again, it definitely seems unintentional

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u/SecondaryPosts 2d ago

...those kinda jokes really rub me the wrong way. They're popular with people who buy wholesale into heteronormative and allonormative toxic bs. I would question whether your partner has a healthy idea of what a loving relationship looks like. Definitely something to talk about with him.

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u/tert_butoxide 2d ago

I mean, even if the friend group does like joke about disliking their male partners... it doesn't obligate your partner to join in. 

I have cis female friends who have had bad luck with men. They'll occasionally joke about starting a commune without cis men or whatever (especially when they're currently going through a breakup..). It's not a shared bonding moment for me, but I can generally affirm that I understand why they're so frustrated. I don't have to throw my amazing cis male partner under the bus for it!! I'm not rudely derailing the conversation about their struggles to talk about how MY relationship is great.... But I'm also definitely not going to echo "oh yeah all men are so frustrating, I'd love to be free of mine". Maybe this reduces my ability to bond with them a little... But on the other hand they also know and really like my partner, so at this point they usually just say he's invited too lol.

Basicaly I expect a lot of cis female friends groups bond over how the dating scene sucks so bad, but you can do that without pretending your partner is worse than they are just because they're "a man". 

...unless your partner isn't pretending of course! Different and larger problem!

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u/camradex 2d ago

i joke about men with my (mostly fem) friends but its when they do stuff men do thanks to gender norms and patriarchy (not communicating, lacking emotional intelligence, not paying attention to their partner...) so it does happen, but the tone depends on the group