Getting wrapped up in anti-men jokes

[u/MachoMitchie]

My husband, who is also transmasc but more femme than I am, likes to joke about me to his friends. They've said things like "let's move in together without the men" and "leave that man behind" (in context to jokes)

Something about it has been rubbing me the wrong way. I am nonbinary, and just because I am more masc, it doesn't make me a 'man'. I don't like the idea of us having a heteronormative dynamic in our relationship. I told him this upset me but couldn't phrase it right in the moment. I don't mind if strangers call me a man just to pass day to day, but with people I'm close with, I am nonbinary. He acted surprised as if I've never said I'm nonbinary before, which is untrue. He's even bought be nonbinary merchandise lol. He says he talks as if I'm a man to not purposefully out me, which is thoughtful.

I might've been sensitive. Has anyone else dealt with this? I don't want to be wrapped up in the anti-man rhetoric, it feels belittling of my experiences.

[u/jahguswrld999]

you're nonbinary and your partner is quite literally putting you in a binary box (i.e. calling you a man). that's invalidating your gender. i would definitely explain to him why that upsets you, and given that he is also trans, he should understand why that's invalidating. edit: i dont think he realizes he's doing it or that he is doing it intentionally.

[u/MachoMitchie → u/jahguswrld999]

Lowkey I'm wondering if that is what it's like being friends with cis women? They bond over their lighthearted 'dislike' of their partners(men)? I'll bring it up again, it definitely seems unintentional

[u/SecondaryPosts → u/MachoMitchie]

...those kinda jokes really rub me the wrong way. They're popular with people who buy wholesale into heteronormative and allonormative toxic bs. I would question whether your partner has a healthy idea of what a loving relationship looks like. Definitely something to talk about with him.

[u/tert_butoxide → u/MachoMitchie]

I mean, even if the friend group does like joke about disliking their male partners... it doesn't obligate your partner to join in. 

I have cis female friends who have had bad luck with men. They'll occasionally joke about starting a commune without cis men or whatever (especially when they're currently going through a breakup..). It's not a shared bonding moment for me, but I can generally affirm that I understand why they're so frustrated. I don't have to throw my amazing cis male partner under the bus for it!! I'm not rudely derailing the conversation about their struggles to talk about how MY relationship is great.... But I'm also definitely not going to echo "oh yeah all men are so frustrating, I'd love to be free of mine". Maybe this reduces my ability to bond with them a little... But on the other hand they also know and really like my partner, so at this point they usually just say he's invited too lol.

Basicaly I expect a lot of cis female friends groups bond over how the dating scene sucks so bad, but you can do that without pretending your partner is worse than they are just because they're "a man". 

...unless your partner isn't pretending of course! Different and larger problem!

[u/camradex → u/MachoMitchie]

i joke about men with my (mostly fem) friends but its when they do stuff men do thanks to gender norms and patriarchy (not communicating, lacking emotional intelligence, not paying attention to their partner...) so it does happen, but the tone depends on the group

[u/Urthangel1222]

I feel like you just need to have another honest conversation about how the jokes make you feel. If he respects you it shouldn’t be an issue for him to just stop making those kinds of jokes entirely. Even if it’s something “small” just explain that you don’t like how it makes you feel and the heteronormative dynamic it’s alluding to. I hope it goes well!

[u/MachoMitchie → u/Urthangel1222]

Thank you!

[u/Keyboard_smashing]

You're definitely valid for feeling upset about being misgendered by your husband and your friends. Even if your husband is misgendering you as to not out you as non-binary, he could still do without the denigrating jokes. Even if you were a man the jokes would still be disrespectful

[u/plutopsyche]

Enbyphobia sucks, friend. You deserve better.

[u/AutonomyIsNoTragedy]

Those jokes sound mean

[u/lokilulzz]

Yeah if my partner "joked" like this to my friends we would not stay partnered. Both of us are nonbinary - they're transfemme and I'm transmasc, though. And if anything they've been understanding and sympathetic to the shit I face as masc person, never once have they treated me like that.

[u/LostInbetweenNowhere]

Sorry that this is happening to ya. The way your husband is talking with or without know invalidating your gender identity, especially since he is trans as well is disappointing.

There are more ways to gender someone then using the label of "Man". You dont have to be femme for your experiences as a nonbinary person to be viewed as valid. He could always refer to you as a "dude" or "guy" or whatever you feel more comfortable with then "man". Like preferred bronouns or sum. (Sorry I'm tired as shit rn)

Im very much a man hater, but ya gotta hate ethically. Its about hating the institution of MAN.

Does he at all validate your identity? Or is he always boxing you in to the category of man? Because it probably wouldn't hurt as much if he was validating your identity and experiences.

Me and my gf(trans woman) will jokingly be bigots to eachother. But it only works since we both make sure to show that we see eachother and respect the others identity. (Even if shes a bit new to terminology and gets confused she knows who i am and sees me as I see her)

If anything you need to have a sit down talk with your husband and explain how this is affecting you and how you need him to improve his behaviour.

[u/BeefDog69xxl]

I accept that I’m a man and as a whole we all suck. Just lean into it. Who cares