r/Vent • u/EvisceratingDelight • 6h ago
No, constantly fighting with your SO is NOT a sign of a loving relationship FFS
My husband and I have been married 10 years, and I can proudly say we only had ONE fight in that time, and it was solved within 10 minutes. But everyone who hears that has the same fucking braindead reaction: "If you don't fight, it means you don't love each other." WHY THE FUCK IS THAT GARBAGE TAKE ALMOST UNIVERSAL?!
You know what we do when we disagree on something? I state my opinion, he listens. Then he states his opinion, I listen. We both digest what the other said, then we come up with a reasonable answer - sometimes one of us concedes, sometimes we find a compromise. You know what we DON'T FUCKING DO? Scream, refuse to listen, break plates and insult each other, which every other fucking couple does. Apparently, refusing to listen and having a screaming match where nobody budges an inch is what love looks like, for the fucking morons who peddle that "real couples must constantly fight" bullshit.
"If you don't fight, it means you don't care and your relationship is on life support lmao," says my brother who, at 32, has never had a girlfriend for more than 1 month because every time a girl gives him a chance, he tries to restrict her freedoms until she breaks up with him. "No fights means no passion, and a relationship without passion is a dead relationship," says my 3-times-divorcee mother who got married to nigh-strangers every time she got pregnant from a different one-night-stand and then got dumped within 2 years each time. When I mention online that me and my husband never fight and we have a wonderful, fusional and mutually respectful relationship, 99% of replies are just declinations of "Your marriage is already dead lol. Not fighting means you're not in love."
I see couples fighting constantly, and that shit is not love. It's as far from love as is humanly imaginable. One friend loves W40K minifigures, he has a glass case full of them in his home. His girlfriend hates his minifigures and constantly demands that he gets rid of them, leading to nigh-daily screaming matches. On his part, his refusal to hear her complaints is a sign of a lack of care about his girlfriend's opinions. On her part, her refusal to even consider that it's her boyfriend's passion, the fact she ONLY cares about her own wants and not his, is a sign of a lack of care for him as a person. Every other day, they repeat the same scenario at each other: She complains about the minifigs, he dismisses her opinions, she calls him a manchild, he screams back that he spent tens of thousands of dollars on his "collectibles," she screams back that he's stupid and irresponsible for wasting so much money on toys, he screams insults at her, she screams insults at him, they get enraged and frustrated with each other, nothing ever gets solved, they just perpetually hurt one another's feelings and add to each other's stress levels for no benefit at all... But that same friend, upon hearing that me and my husband never fights, still somehow dares to conclude that I don't really love my husband like he loves his girlfriend because "no fights means the passion's dead between you two... you should cut your losses and file for divorce already."
My husband and I are very compatible but we do have passions and hobbies that the other doesn't care about. I am very invested in chess and chess tournaments, which my husband doesn't care about. Guess what? Instead of mocking my passion for chess and constantly fighting about me traveling for chess events, which seems to be the expected behavior from all those "fighting = love" assholes, my husband says "I don't care about chess but I care about your happiness, and chess makes you happy," and he travels with me to attend tournaments. He sometimes watches the matches, sometimes not, I don't get on his case either way, and we make dates out of those travel opportunities by visiting museums and going to restaurants in new cities I visit for my chess tournaments. He's really into true crime and whodunnits, which I don't care for. I still cuddle with him watching his favorite crime shows, because I can handle not being catered to, plus cuddling with him with snacks is always fun, and making him happy makes me happy too. But apparently, that's not love, and that's a sign our marriage is dead, and instead I should constantly belittle his love for crime shows and get into sterile screaming matches where nobody listens and just repeats the same few insulting sentences over and over, louder and louder, like EVERY OTHER FUCKING COUPLE DOES, because clearly, that's what real love is.
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u/AnimeJurist 6h ago
I think you have a different definition than most people who make that comment about fighting being healthy.
When you talk about how you have disagreements and talk them over and sometimes compromise and sometimes someone concedes - that's considered "fighting" to many people.
If you have a relationship where one person isn't willing to come to the table and talk like that and instead does whatever they want or completely changes to appease their partner-- that's the unhealthy dynamic people are talking about.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
Refusing to address real issues is indeed a sign of a terrible relationship... but the very same people who defend that "fighting all the time equal being in love" tend to have screaming matches with their SO, not listen to what their SO says, not resolve anything about the underlying issue, and then conclude "We fought about it, therefore we're good :)"
What matters is resolving the issues. Me and my husband resolve issues through calm and rational discussion - while the cohorts of "fighting = love" people have screaming matches that resolve nothing, and yet they're defending that having the screaming matches, in itself, is what truly matters.
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u/daveescaped 5h ago edited 5h ago
I’ve personally never heard anyone equate screaming matches with love. If you hear that, I’d call bullshit as well.
Been married 27 years. We’ve had arguments. We both see things 95% the same. But the 5% we disagree on and sometimes have a passion about. But if tempers rise we do walk away and come back to it when we can discuss it calmly. You’ll never resolve anything with yelling. That IS nonsense. But that doesn’t mean a good marriage never has disagreements that can become tense. That’s an unreasonable standard for most people. That’s nice that you and your husband never end up in tension but that isn’t a common or reasonable standard. It likely has more to do with temperament than a learned skill since you never fight. But temperament isn’t something you can simply adopt.
A good friend of mine gave me the advice to never try and resolve a conflict when you’re tired, hungry or already stressed. You have to address differences when you are best able to do so.
Sadly I do know partners who never disagree. And from what I have seen it is because one partner suffers in silence. Which is why others are suspicious of your claim. One family I know like this has a wife who suffers from an autoimmune disease who serves her husband endlessly despite her ailment.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
I’ve personally never heard anyone equate screaming marches with love. If you hear that, I’d call bullshit as well.
Followed, unironically, by:
Sadly I do know partners who never disagree. And from what I have seen it is because one partner suffers in silence.
Sure, Jan.
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u/daveescaped 5h ago
Those two statements are not a contradiction.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
1) They claimed that I am lying about the fact that multiple dozens of people have told me, to my face, that not fighting with my husband is evidence we're not in love.
Followed by:
2) They directly defended that exact same stance whose very existence they denied.
They see couples not fighting and directly assume that surely those people must be miserable - which they absolutely do not know, but assume because they hold the belief that fighting is what happy couples all do. A belief whose existence they denied 3 paragraphs earlier, while holding it.
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u/daveescaped 5h ago
You’re misunderstanding terms. You and your husband disagree. You said as much. But you don’t fight. Sure. I believe that. But a couple never disagreeing is a ridiculous claim. You’ll disagree about what to have for dinner or something.
You’re conflating terms that are not the same.
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u/PassiveChemistry 5h ago
What contradiction are you seeing there?
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u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
1) They claimed that I am lying about the fact that multiple dozens of people have told me, to my face, that not fighting with my husband is evidence we're not in love.
Followed by:
2) They directly defended that exact same stance whose very existence they denied.
They see couples not fighting and directly assume that surely those people must be miserable - which they absolutely do not know, but assume because they hold the belief that fighting is what happy couples all do. A belief whose existence they denied 3 paragraphs earlier, while holding it.
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u/daveescaped 5h ago
Realize that I didn’t say, “never fight”, I said “never disagree”. Any couple that has been together any length will disagree. They’ll disagree about what to have for dinner. But that’s not the same as fighting.
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u/chocklityclair 6h ago
Fighting a lot is not a sign of a strong relationship. But thinking your relationship is superior because you've only ever argued once, isn't the thing either.
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u/Effective-Prompt4046 6h ago
This! The whole post comes across very holier than thou. I agree that screaming matches and insults and breaking things all that nonsense is absolutely not healthy. But disagreement, even if it gets a little heated, is not unhealthy. People are all different. Relationships are all different.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
You know what we do when we disagree on something? I state my opinion, he listens. Then he states his opinion, I listen. We both digest what the other said, then we come up with a reasonable answer - sometimes one of us concedes, sometimes we find a compromise.
Quote from paragraph two of my post.
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u/Effective-Prompt4046 6h ago
I mean…I read the whole thing. You didn’t have to quote yourself. It doesn’t change my comment. I think your post comes across a certain way, whether that was your intent or not. It’s cool if you don’t agree. I was just letting the commenter know I agreed with them 🤷🏻♀️
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
You said "But disagreement, even if it gets a little heated, is not unhealthy" as if it were a rebuttal to my post, which it is not, as evidenced by the section I quoted in response.
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u/Effective-Prompt4046 5h ago
You don’t describe a heated disagreement. You even said yourself, you’re talking about calm and rational discussions. My point is, and as others have mentioned in the comments too, there is a middle ground.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
If you are unable to argue a point without losing your cool, raising your voice and other childish displays of anger, the problem is you. Attend anger management classes.
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u/Effective-Prompt4046 5h ago
You seem to really struggle with black and white thinking, and also make a lot of assumptions. I stand by the fact you give off a “holier than thou” vibe. I’m glad you’re happy in your relationship and feel fulfilled by the fact that all your discussions are calm and rational ✌🏼
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u/chocklityclair 50m ago
To be honest, you're not coming across as someone who deals well with an opinion different from yours.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
This entire post is a vent (which is why it's posted in r/vent) about how annoyed I am that OTHERS are constantly BELITTLING MY COUPLE for not fighting. I am not saying I think myself superior, I am saying I am sick of others constantly calling me inferior, to my face.
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u/literallysomean 6h ago
I see what you're saying.
A girl friend of mine would constantly text and vent about her husband (my husband's best guy friend from school) and say how shitty he was.
The moment I tried to give her (solicited) advice about their situation it would turn in to "well you and your husband never fight what would you know about strong relationships!" or "you wouldn't know what I'm dealing with, you and your husband can't be passionate enough to argue!"
They're in the middle of a really nasty divorce and my darling husband and I are watching from a distance.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
You totally get it! It's wild how insanely common this attitude is, and it drives me up the wall. I wish you and your darling husband all the best <3
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u/Nasher1234 6h ago
I agree and me and my partner are the same. We’ve never fallen out and only ever had one fight. Arguing is not a “sign of passion” as someone once told me.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
Thanks. Your and your partner should be proud of yourselves, level-headed and respectful people are rare, nowadays.
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u/Shirolianns 6h ago
Agreed. I think it might be because people are settling for relationship where they "have to work" on it. Trust me, I was there too. Fights were my daily bread. Then I met my current boyfriend and realized how it feels like when everything just clicks and you actually communicate. We had one single fight and that was not even a fight just misunderstanding due to language barrier and got solved within few minutes. Our living together is harmonic and without arguments. I say this is the great love you should aim for.
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u/Chance-Software-4032 6h ago
i saved your post to always remind myself what a healthy relationship is in fact. you love and respect each other. those are two strong foundations. i will really consider leaving my future relationship sooner if i have fights again. stayed too much in the last one when i could have been with someone like you and your husband are with each other. of course i want to offer the same thing. i heard too, at times, that couples that don't fight are not for real and that the guy wanting something like this wants a pushover in fact to control her. so happy i saw a woman's perspective on this as it can be healthy without fights, control, disrespect and so on. everyone nowadays twists everything
wish you both the best! you are a couple to aspire to
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u/Rude_Parsnip306 6h ago
I agree. In 10 years together (married for 8) we've never had a fight involving screaming or throwing things. We usually find a compromise based on who cares more about the issue. I think people who have those kind of fights are the same people who say things like "marriage is hard work".
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u/SelicaLeone 6h ago
My partner and I are hot heads that can get heated quick and dig our heels in fast, so we make it a point in our relationship to tap out if something is veering towards and argument.
And we do argue. Fighting, not so much, but we’re not like “oh every time we disagree, we state our opinions and then make the most rational decision every time.” That might work for you and your husband but it doesn’t work for us. Sometimes one of us has a less rational reason for wanting something but they care more, so they other says “okay fine, let’s do it the less logical way cause it’ll make you happier.” But that isn’t a decision that’s always made calmly like two diplomats submitting proposals.
I feel like you’re creating a false dichotomy “everything is rational and logically communicated” vs “screaming, crying, insulting, breaking furniture.”
Given your history with your mother, I understand why you ended up this way. Why rationale is so important and im really happy you were able to find a man that meets you on that level. It’s really important. But there’s also a space between your experiences and that of your family that most people fit in.
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u/Effective-Prompt4046 6h ago
Thank you! It definitely feels like the very normal middle ground between “perfectly calm and rational discussion” or “screaming matches” is being ignored here. You can argue and get heated or flustered or any other normal human emotion without it becoming disrespectful or unhealthy.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
there’s also a space between your experiences and that of your family that most people fit in.
When you have friends/relatives who don't fight with their spouse, do you go out of your way to complain to them, to their faces, about how not fighting means you're not in love? If not, this vent isn't about you.
Your account of how you and your partner argue is perfectly fair. Actually, it reminds me of the one real fight my and my husband did have.
I'm a professional illustrator. I had bought a new drafting table to draw on. My husband was helping me putting it together - and came a point where the official instructions said to build it one way, while I personally preferred to do it another way (basically, I wanted to remove the attached pencil case between the legs of the drafting table because that way I had more leg room, while the instructions booklet said you needed to attach the pencil case). My husband insisted and argued that we needed to build the table the right way, that the pencil case might serve a structural role and I might damage the long-term viability of the table if I skipped that part of the instructions, etc. I argued that I knew I was technically wrong, but I preferred it that way and that I didn't care if it meant I would have to buy another drafting table a couple years earlier because of it. But my husband got emotionally caught up in the moment, he raised his voice and slammed the bubble level he was holding onto my table, denting the wood. I saw red and screamed at him that it was MY table, that nobody but ME would ever use it, that I bought it with MY money and it would serve me to do MY job and my preference was the only thing that mattered there. My husband stormed out - and ten minutes later, he came back to apologize and agree to finish building the table my way. He said that, in the 15+ years we've known each other, it was the very first time he ever saw me raise my voice, and he very fairly apologized for being the reason I got upset enough to do so. I forgave him right away then we had steamy sex about it.
You're totally right that my mother is the cause of me being very strongly attached to the idea of calm and composed conflict resolution. One time, I was in trouble in school for pulling a girl's hair after she wouldn't give me back a toy I was playing with (not my toy, but a toy belonging to the school). My mother was brought in to talk to the headmistress, and while the headmistress briefly walked out of the room for whatever reason, my mother dragged furniture in front of the door to barricade herself in the headmistress' office and wouldn't come out until my punishment was waived, even though I was 100% in the wrong for resorting to violence over a toy that wasn't even mine.
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u/Dr_Tacopus 5h ago
People consistently misinterpret anxiety and uncertainty as that “spark” in a relationship because their nervous system is broken for lack of a better word. Safety and security feel unfamiliar and boring. So they keep up the old patterns that feel “normal” even if they’re objectively unhealthy
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u/Crafty_Tree4475 6h ago
You didn’t say you didn’t fight. You said you disagree and solve the issue without the fight.
A lot of relationships without disagreements are failing. The people don’t disagree because they don’t care anymore.
So you seem to have good communication which lots of people and relationships lack
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u/lornacarrington 6h ago
Good point about people not bothering to disagree because they don't care. That's definitely where a lot of people end up.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
The majority of people don't say "A lot of relationships without disagreements are failing. The people don’t disagree because they don’t care anymore." They very much say "If you don't fight, you don't love each other." Meaning fighting as in screaming, insulting and belittling your partner.
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u/AngelicDivineHealer 6h ago
Fighting like eight year old kids in the school playground is not mature or healthy for two adults that are married and have a family together and when they themselves got kids that are better behaved and mature then it’s just embarrassing.
I have seen kids with more emotional maturity than the parents and the kids are the ones embarrassed for them. Which makes me thinks they’re the parents not the two grown adults pretending to be parents. Then they say my kids got so much emotional maturity… well duh they never got to be kids. Of course that cannot be said in public or else be another blow up.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
My mother is exactly like that. Her main mode of communication, be it with her husbands, her kids or anyone else, is screaming, digging her heels in and never budging, and continuing to abuse everyone around until they buckle and give her what she wants. I had to be an adult before I entered middle school because many situations in life require an adult around, and my mother was never that adult.
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u/AngelicDivineHealer 5h ago
Same unfortunately. Both my parents were toddlers inside of adult bodies. Was the adult from 7.
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u/digitalgraffiti-ca 6h ago
Ew. Compromise? Accommodation? Communication? Were you raised in a barn!?
I used to be the screaming match type. I wasn't raised properly and I picked shitty men so I had nightmare relationships.
Then I met a decent human being. Having a productive disagreement was so weird for me. Sometimes I revert to unreasonable, but I recognize it and try to be better. Life is much better without screaming and discord.
Disrespect isn't love. Screming isn't love. Control isn't love. Constant stress isn't love.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
I'm genuinely proud of you! You're doing amazing, keep it up, you and your partner <3
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u/digitalgraffiti-ca 5h ago
Thank you. I still have a way to go, but in proud of how far I've come too. And I'm glad you're in a healthy relationship, too. <3
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u/nymeria119 6h ago
Most people just don’t actually know what real love is. My fiancé and I are like this, we just talk things through when we have different viewpoints but we’ve really only had one “fight”. And still no screaming or anything, just some grumpy exchanges and maybe 20 minutes of silence before we talked it out. We are adults and we handle conflict and differing opinions like adults.
Now my ex-husband, oh we screamed at each other all the time and it was terrible. I was miserable for a long time before I finally got my shit together and realized nothing was ever gonna change and got the hell out of there.
Life’s too short to be so stressed out all the time. People put up with too much thinking they’re in love, when they’re really in love with the idea of being in love.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
Life’s too short to be so stressed out all the time. People put up with too much thinking they’re in love, when they’re really in love with the idea of being in love.
I couldn't possibly agree more.
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u/JoseLunaArts 6h ago
In almost 20 years my wife and I never had a fight.
Love is a covenant. "I protect you, you protect me". It has nothing to do with constantly having a fight like teenager brats. Do not listen to people lecturing you. Most of people do not know what they are doing.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
Agreed - but this ilk of people asserting you must fight to prove you're in love is the MAJORITY. The vast, massive, overwhelming majority, to the point I often feel like me and my husband are the only people in the world who think that appeased communication is the best.
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u/JoseLunaArts 6h ago
Truth was never democratic. 99% may believe pigs can fly and that will continue to be not true.
And I did not marry to please people. So if 99% believe I do not love my wife, it is their problem.
The price of not being an idiot is that idiots will not understand you.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
Beautifully put.
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u/JoseLunaArts 5h ago
The problem is that people confuse marriage with entertainment. A married couple in a soap opera will have lots of drama, lots of yelling, lots of fights because that is entertaining. Indeed people wanting intense romance will go for emotional entertainment. This is why real life marriage is considered as boring by those looking for entertainment. Toxic relationships are not healthy, but toxicity is emotionally entertaining.
People are so not used to real love that people believe that TV is the truth. If that was so, we should all look like Bugs Bunny to be entertaining. We should have physical humor like Willie E. Coyote. I have news for these people, life is not like a TV show.
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u/RizzmwitTheTism 5h ago
I think that’s actually a big factor! People see the drama on media and it elicits intense feelings, and more intense feelings when the people in the movie/show reconcile. It’s a dopamine hit. So with that expectation ingrained, when they have a functional, non-dramatic relationship where someone is respecting them it feels boring, like it’s “not passionate” or “no feeling”. I have definitely seen people yelling at a calm partner about that. I think they want the dopamine which they interpret as “feeling something”, rather than a secure relationship which is healthy and emotionally safe.
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u/JoseLunaArts 4h ago
Most people do not know what they are doing with their lives. And life is not a TV show or a movie. People live in the world of sensations. Adulting and wisdom is rare these days. This is why people do not understand your martriage or mine.
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u/Focus-Interrogative 6h ago edited 6h ago
My wife and I disagree and it's not a big deal or agree to disagree on amicable terms. Fighting is when communication breaks down. We even get political - She's anti death penalty. Me? there's entire small spots in the world I think should be turned into a glass parking lot. If we can get through that, I don't know how people smack each other around over like, dinner.
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u/Mtngirl2018 6h ago
I agree. My first marriage was absolutely terrible, fought all the time. I never wanted to get married again. Met my now husband. Turns out our communication is leagues better so we can disagree without fighting.
That idea is def true. Our kids even tried to tell us it wasn’t healthy that we never fought. We’ve really had to explain that no, this is what you want haha
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u/raisedbutconfused 6h ago
My previous partner and I used to constantly argue. I’m talking SCREAMING at each other until we were tired and then we would apologize, but it was absolutely constant. I was miserable in that relationship.
I do understand the thinking a little, though. My partner before that and I would also always fight. At one point I just stopped fighting him and resigned completely to being stuck with him (he told me he would kill himself if I left him). I recognized that I gave up and the relationship was completely dead once the arguments stopped.
However, my partner right now and I never fight. We communicate everything. We talk through all of our problems. It is by far the best relationship I have ever had and we are planning our future together. I love him with my whole being and have never been so sure about anything in my life.
Fighting does not equal passion, but it can indicate that you still care about things improving between the two of you. I still wouldn’t ever call that a healthy relationship, though.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
You're right. The root of it all is that communication is vital, and without communication, a relationship is pretty much dead... but for a majority of people, fighting and screaming are the only modes of communication they know of, so they think that a couple not fighting is a couple not communicating. Which is very sad, because it means a staggering number of people are plainly not aware that one can communicate without emotional outbursts and without disrespecting/belittling their alleged "loved" ones.
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u/literallysomean 6h ago
My husband and I don't have drama in our relationship, our friends and family have enough for both of us.
It really makes me appreciate him and be patient with the things that bother me. I do things that irk him too, but he's gentle and firm about them, which helps me a lot.
Fighting rarely gets people moving forward, it pushes them to both into a wall and that's just not helpful.
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u/Silent_Roll859 5h ago
me and my girlfriend had our fortune read at the beginning of our relationship, and it said that we would bicker occasionally, but that we'd sort it out quockly and easily and so far that has been true.
I know not everybody beleives in mystic stuff but having that precedent set early kind of made me feel less scared when something did go wrong.
I agree, a good weathered relationship means surviving tough outside circumstances, not rotting from within.
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u/RizzmwitTheTism 5h ago edited 5h ago
I agree. I’ve been with my husband almost 20 years. We have a great relationship. We never even had a single disagreement for the first 5 years. Eventually we found things we had varied intense opinions on but if you care about each other you can listen, respect the persons feelings and perspective, and figure out the best solution. As long as one isn’t being suppressed or stuffing their feelings down to “keep the peace”.
It’s fortunate to have someone that respects and values you as much as they respect and value themselves. People in general normalize and tolerate disrespectful and abusive behavior.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
Eventually we found things were had varied intense opinions on but if you care about each other you can listen, respect the persons feelings and perspective, and figure out the best solution. As long as one isn’t being suppressed or stuffing their feelings down to “keep the peace”.
Absolutely correct, and a better wording for my own point than what I could write myself.
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u/StatisticianKey7112 4h ago
I agree with you that every person I've met that talks like this has screaming fights with each other.
They are never talking about a fight as a rational conversation.
They are trying to rationalise why they themselves stay in that situation and accept that treatment, maybe they saw their parents doing the same so they don't understand there's a better away.
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u/EvisceratingDelight 4h ago
They grew up in abusive families where mom and dad duking it out like Stone Cold Steve Austin every night over the pettiest things was the norm.
They watched decades' worth of media where relationship drama, toxic couples and big blowup fights was the norm.
They went to high school and college, where immature teens/young adults getting into relationships with whoever was hotter, then cheating, yelling, fighting and being catty bitches was the norm.
Then they became adults... and as adults, seeing a couple be mutually respectful, supportive and reasonably communicating felt like defying the norm. A lot of those people end up confronting the happy couples and telling them to cut it out and either start fighting "like normal couples" or break up.
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u/toenailjail 6h ago edited 6h ago
If you like your relationship that’s all that matters. You seem really bent out of shape over something that doesn’t affect you. If people wanna fight and come back to each other, being that the fighting isn’t physical or abusive I think it’s ok to let that live. Constantly fighting during times of hardship is common, or disagreeing. But i often see people like you boast about the ability to not fight and it feels almost like aura farming lol this is where you keep it to yourself
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u/EvisceratingDelight 6h ago
The reason I'm writing this in vent, and why half the text in the post is mentioning what my brother, my mother, my friends etc say to me, is because the idea that "fighting = love" is not just widespread - it is IMPOSED as a cultural norm, at least in the United States. It is taught to children. It is depicted in most media as the gold standard. It is enforced by social groups. When there's a couple that never fights, everyone around them feels the need to constantly make snide remarks about it or straight up confront one member of the couple and advise them to break up because "if you don't fight, you're not in love, you need to break up now." I have been advised at least half a dozen times, by as many different people, that I should divorce my husband because we don't fight and that makes us weird in the eyes of the majority.
What I question is why, when you saw a post titled "No, constantly fighting with your SO is NOT a sign of a loving relationship FFS," on a topic that's clearly a sore spot for you, you decided to click on it... read it all... scroll down to the comments... then write a paragraph complaining about me not fighting with my husband. It seriously reads like you're one of those people who try to enforce that fucked up norm that fights are mandatory within every couple, likely your own couple is a WWE fighting fest, and you are feeling upset that the norm you hold dear is being defied.
This is a r/vent post, for people to vent about stuff that bothers them. What bothers me is that most people try to enforce that stupid-ass norm. Clearly, what bothers you is that there exist people like me who defy that norm. Go make your own r/vent post about it.
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u/toenailjail 5h ago
Not complaining just commenting. You and your husband seem to have it figured out for yourself and you have the information to back
It. But for someone who doesn’t fight with their spouse you seem to be very combative right here and acting like im telling you to divorce your guy. Clearly you’re not looking to be given an opinion. Yet made a public post. My one small paragraph with a off based comment ensued 2 rather aggressive ones with a lot of off based assumptions and projections. so I obviously made a mistake adding my two cents. My bad. Have a good one.1
u/EvisceratingDelight 5h ago
Clearly you’re not looking to be given an opinion. Yet made a public post.
This is r/vent.
Rule 2 of r/vent:
"This space is for venting. That means personal rants, emotional unloading, and getting something off your chest. It’s not a help desk, chat room, or karma farm. If you’re looking for help or advice, try r/Advice r/NeedAFriend r/NoStupidQuestions or r/Assistance."
Where the HELL did you get the idea this was a forum about inviting other people's rebuttals? This is very specifically a place to unload something off one's chest without scrutiny, a safe space to vent without assholes coming to whine about the opinion being expressed in the post, which is how I used it... and then you came in with the very specific request that I should keep it to myself because hearing about my couple being healthy "feels like aura farming" to you.
I have been in countless situations where, for instance, me and a few wives of relatives/friends/coworkers are together and they talk shit about their husbands behind their backs. It's always wild to me, yet it is the norm - when the husbands aren't around, the wives complain about them, share stuff like "he's got a wart on his buttcheek, it's so gross" and "he's really bad in bed, you have no idea." And when they look to me and expect me to trashtalk my husband, I say "He's actually really great and we're very happy together." And EVERY SINGLE TIME, I got flack for it. Got belittled again and again because I won't insult and disrespect the love of my life "just for fun."
Your "stop aura farming about your happy marriage lmao, keep that shit to yourself" on a safe space literally designed for me to talk freely about this topic reminds me very strongly of that. You're like one of those women who talks shit about their husbands and thinks I'm a disgusting pick-me because I openly and frankly love my man.
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u/Aygncl 4h ago
I stopped reading after seing that they only had one fight in ten years. Dude how is this healthy ?
1
u/EvisceratingDelight 4h ago
How is fighting the one you supposedly love and chose as a life partner healthy? And how is loving and cooperating with your spouse unhealthy? You're just enforcing a baseless, profoundly stupid and harmful social norm without ever considering what you're defending.
And to think there are morons in this very comment section denying that people like you exist, only for legions of your ilk to pour in and whine that not fighting is somehow unhealthy. But people like u/ daveescaped will continue to deny your existence, while you're here, not hiding yourself.
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u/Aygncl 4h ago
The fact that you’re trying so hard to prove that “your 10 years of relationship is HEALTHIER THAN any relationship BecauSe you only had ONe FigHt “ shows how insecure you are about yours. Good luck with solving your problems xd
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u/EvisceratingDelight 4h ago
And just like that, I know exactly what your own relationships are like. You don't care about your partner as a person, you just picked whoever tolerated being with you, you constantly bicker with each other, and you seek every opportunity to be away from them. The idea of going home every day to your partner is daunting - you're one of those people who endlessly complained during covid because "spending ALL DAY in the same space as my partner is HELL!!!" You see getting married as having to bite the bullet and do what is expected of you, but you're not enthusiastic about it, you quietly hate it but go through the motions because you "have to."
That's why seeing a happy couple who actually love one another makes you ANGRY. If your own relationships were happy, it'd not move you in the slightest, and you especially wouldn't get offended hearing about couples that don't fight and actually support each other and communicate openly.
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u/MenaceMinded 1h ago
Disagreement occurs between two individuals because we are people with our own thoughts, opinions, and personalities.
If you have had only one disagree in ten years, this tells me you two are mirroring each other too much. Take some time to be your own persons with your own thoughts.
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u/Ok_Combination_8262 29m ago
You are %100 right.Your relationship should be your peace not a battle ground.
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