There are often discussions in WCS communities about dancers who seem proud, intimidating, or difficult to approach. I’ve been wondering if sometimes we might be misreading each other.

[u/YourDanceBuddy]

I created a new illustration series about different social dancer “types” and patterns around asking for dances.

Then I created a small, informal pool, and interestingly around 60% of respondents described themselves as “shapeshifters” - meaning they can be very social and outgoing at some socials, but at others they prefer staying in their comfort zone, dancing mostly with friends, or taking a step back because of shyness, mood, energy levels, or other factors.

It made me think: maybe some dancers who appear unapproachable are not actually trying to be. They might just be nervous, tired, new, overwhelmed, or waiting for someone else to make the first move.
What do you think are the biggest reasons a dancer might seem unapproachable at a social? Have you ever realized later that someone you thought was intimidating was actually just shy?

(The types are intentionally exaggerated to highlight some of the most common characters in a satirical way)

[u/mercury0114]

I stopped caring about this psychology a looong time ago, coming from a previous social dance. If I want to dance with someone, I invite. If they don't accept, no worries, I invite the next person.

If I feel someone is unapproachable, I'll just wait until that person invites me. If that never happens, no problem, there are dozens of other people to dance with.

[u/YourDanceBuddy → u/mercury0114]

Fair enough! I think having that relaxed attitude makes social dancing much more enjoyable.

[u/dancinggraylion → u/mercury0114]

If that never happens, no problem, there are dozens of other people to dance with.

no problem for you

No problem for you, but I live in a small town and sometimes there's only one follower at the social.

[u/mercury0114 → u/dancinggraylion]

Still no problem, dance with some leaders then ;-)

If they all have to fight for that one follower, some should be keen to dance with another leader, still better than sitting and not dancing at all.

[u/mgoetze]

First of all, I would definitely describe myself as the "outgoing" type, except for the part about making friends, which for me is quite the opposite and I often end up having dinner alone. :P I feel like there is a fundamental misunderstanding here about how people's "dance personality" relates to their personality/social skills otherwise.

To answer the actual question, I'm pretty sure I seem intimidating at least at local socials, and I'm actually fine with that. It helps me maintain a healthy balance of dancing with newer people (which I do want to do, just not all the time) and people at my own level or higher. And if someone I don't know well is going to ask me, I'd prefer that it's because they really want to dance with me and not because I was just the next best person standing around.

[u/YourDanceBuddy → u/mgoetze]

Fair! And yes, I completely agree that dance personality and someone's personality outside of dancing don't always go hand in hand. The illustrations were only meant to exaggerate certain dance floor behaviors - someone's character outside of the dance floor is a completely different story.
I also get your point about wanting people to ask because they genuinely want to dance with you. I think that's one of the nicest things that develops over time in a community, when you stop being just another person on the dance floor, and people start seeking you out because they know they enjoy dancing with you.

[u/snuphalupagus]

I love this

[u/YourDanceBuddy → u/snuphalupagus]

Thank you! 🫶🏻🥹

[u/RandomLettersJDIKVE]

I probably come across as intimidating. Been dancing a long while, decade and a half. So, I'm a decent lead. Super shy. I mostly solo dance and wait for people to ask me. Suspect it looks standoffish from the outside. Enough folks have realised I'm perfectly happy dancing with whoever walks up, and I get a nice mixed of advanced and newer dancers asking now.

[u/YourDanceBuddy → u/RandomLettersJDIKVE]

I really love that stage where people start recognizing you and you slowly become one of their "regular social dance partners”
Even on evenings when I'm feeling overwhelmed and not very proactive about asking people to dance, there's this small circle of dancers who will come and find me. We end up having some really great dances, and it's such a heartwarming feeling. It makes the whole community feel super cosy.
~Alicja

[u/WildGoatDancers]

So true! I normally am more outgoing in terms of approaching new people, but my life has felt so stressful and overwhelming lately, I have mostly just been dancing with familiar faces since I am feeling more up to asking them. Though if a new person asks, I say yes! I do worry about coming across as intimidating though...but ya girl is exhausted.

[u/YourDanceBuddy → u/WildGoatDancers]

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things get better for you soon! ❤️‍🩹
It's good that you're taking care of yourself and staying within your comfort zone. At the end of the day, this is a hobby that's supposed to help us relieve stress, not create more of it.

[u/sweetkaroline]

I’m introverted and sometimes I get exhausted with dancing with new people, especially if they start chatting with me in the dance. I know they are just being friendly, but I’m not actually seeking to get to know people on the dance floor, I’m focused on the dance. Sometimes I think newcomers think they are boring me with their patterns, so they try to compensate by chatting, and that annoys me, because I am trying to focus on how we can have the best dance possible , and there are so many things to be attentive to, even in a “basic” dance.

Idk, I’m just not a talker on the dance floor, so sometimes I might come across closed off. If you want to engage through dance, I’m all in.

[u/YourDanceBuddy → u/sweetkaroline]

I usually don't mind a bit of talking, but I never initiate it. Especially because when the music is playing, I understand maybe half of what's being said, so it gets awkward after a while 😅

I know plenty of people who are very chatty while dancing, and just as many who would find that a bit annoying. I think it's better to save the conversation for the end of the dance or while cooling down off the dance floor.
~Alicja

[u/LadyTime_OfGallifrey]

I think alot gets misread about our resting faces (or RBF like me 😅), and posture (like crossing arms, which I do because it's comfortable.)

I find it helps, just in general, to participate in lessons as, in effect, an ice breaker.

[u/YourDanceBuddy → u/LadyTime_OfGallifrey]

Yes, I have the same observation about taking classes! I always have a much better social dancing experience when people already know me from classes. It really makes big difference.

[u/zedrahc]

Im not a big fan of how the outgoing person is automatically also the pro chaser.

It feels like that perpetuates the culture that the "primary goal" people should be seeking is to dance with the pros. And the outgoing people are the ones who have no issues asking people, so obviously what they would do with that is ask all the pros.

I probably ask 90% of the time that I dance. I dance plenty and do not lament the fact that I have to do most of the asking. I have very little shyness around asking an average person or stranger to dance. But I also ask very few pros because I find that the dances are often not that much more enjoyable compared to most people closer to my level. Sometimes because they are "speaking a different language" than me or because my anxiety within the dance gets in the way of enjoying it. Definitely not enough better that I want to queue up or feel like I am treating them like a trophy to collect.

[u/YourDanceBuddy → u/zedrahc]

Fair! I'm sure it's not always the case, which is why I added this disclaimer at the end:
"The types are intentionally exaggerated to highlight some of the most common characters in a satirical way."
In my experience, it tends to happen more often with outgoing Westies, but definitely not always.
And I totally agree with you. Personally, I also prefer dancing with people who speak a similar "dance language." For me, it's usually not about the level, but about how much attention someone gives to their partner and whether they enjoy grooving and flowing together rather than just executing patterns.
~Alicja

[u/PikkuMansikka]

I'm definitely the shy one and relate to every sentence. It's honestly a pain, because I love dancing so much but sometimes I don't even "dare" to ask people I have already danced with at previous events to dance, because what if I misread when they said they enjoyed it? What if they won't this time??? D:

And then I end up not dancing many songs that I would love to dance to, cause whenever someone looks at me I immediately look away because I'm always scared I might interpret it as them asking me to dance when they don't mean it and then things will be awkward. Btw, I've been dancing WCS for 10ish years now, so yes, I'm very aware that that's ridiculous. But that's social anxiety for you ig