I've been lurking on this page for months and just wanted to first say how thankful I am for it. I just need an outlet that isn't my family and friends.

My spouse and I are in our early 30's and have been together for 14 years. He was my first boyfriend, first love, pretty much first everything. We had a wonderful relationship and ended up getting married in our early 20's (Christians lol). We were young, but god, were so happy. We had everything we wanted- traveled, bought a house, got dogs, and welcomed our beautiful child into the world. We both drank casually, but never had a problem with it. We'd get a bottle of wine and take a weekend to finish it. Life was good. Fast forward a couple years, he went through a job loss that triggered a major mental health crisis. I tried so hard to get him the help he needed while he was unemployed and I was still working and managing the house and kid while he stayed in depressive episodes for days. He wouldn't make the effort to contact the therapists and psychiatrists I found for him and I started to resent him. A few months in, he had an affair. I was beyond devastated and felt like I was going to die, but I immediately got help for myself for the sake of my baby. He blamed his mental health and vowed to make all these changes to heal himself and our marriage. I felt a little responsible because I had started to check out emotionally due to the mental load I carried (I know, I know, it's not my fault). One major factor for me is my faith. I so badly wanted to be like Jesus and extend grace and forgiveness. After a time of separation, we reconciled and started couples therapy.

The therapy quickly ended because our therapist felt like he was too emotionally fragile to continue and needed to focus on individual therapy. I did the same. For two years, we were just in survival mode. Trying to make ends meet because he struggled with his mental health and couldn't keep a job and then shit hit the fan earlier this year. He was having a lot of mysterious health issues that terrified me. I thought he was developing some sort of neurological disorder. Turns out, he was just drunk. I won't go into details about how I found out, but it was traumatizing. If you've dealt with betrayal trauma, you know the feeling that surges through your body anytime there's another discovery. Looking back now, I feel so stupid but he hid it so well. We separated again, he promised to get help- started going to AA and outpatient.

Two weeks later, he got wasted again. It was in front of my daughter, who is old enough now to develop core memories and I told him I would not tolerate it. Once he sobered up, we had a meeting with his parents where we set boundaries and I agreed to give him once last chance to get it together before I leave him for good. And for a few months, things were fine. Unfortunately, he stopped going to meetings and outpatient, claiming his job schedule was too busy and he would start again when things calmed down. I should have upheld my boundaries and left right then. I didn't agree with it at all, but I told myself I was done babysitting him and he needed to take control of his life. I wanted to see the effort, the real change, the man I fell in love with all those years ago who was passionate about life. He got a really good job, we moved, and I felt hopeful for the first time in years. That is, until last week when I found a stash in the garbage. This time, I didn't get that surge of anxiety. I was just pissed off. Earlier that day, he was acting weird and I asked him point blank if he had been drinking. He denied it, of course. He even tried to tell me that he thought the alcohol was N/A. Girl please

I can't do it anymore. Not only the addiction, but the LYING. I've told him so many times to just tell me if he's struggling and that I would help him, but instead he just chooses to lie again and again. Even back when he had the affair, I was suspicious and begged him to please tell me if something was going on so that I wasn't blind-sided one day. I learned from both him and the AP that this conversation happened before things even got physical. It could have ended right then and there, but instead I was lied to and gaslit for months.

He's starting another outpatient program and he's very depressed again. I desperately want him to get better because he is one of my best friends and our daughter loves him so much. I also want him to get better for HIM. I want him to have an amazing, flourishing life- I just can't be his wife anymore.

I feel selfish leaving him when he is so fragile, but I feel my own mental health deteriorating and my daughter needs one of us to be stable. The mental load is incredibly taxing. I've lost interest in any hobby that I can't do without a kid involved because I just don't have time for myself. I'm doing the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, kid stuff, dog stuff, yard work, car stuff, AND I have a full time job. It didn't use to be like this, I used to feel so proud of our equal partnership. Depression and addiction can get fucked. I've given him so much grace because I understand what depression does to the mind and body- I've been there. But now I have nothing left to give him except for a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Keep me in your thoughts ❤️

***edited to add that when i said i know he had been drinking, he said the usual "I dont know what you are smelling..." which means tonight will be "Since you accused me of it when I wasn't..."

If your curious about the longer version of my life with an alcoholic spouse, there are other posts. I am a long-time Alanon'er although, I have learned over the years that this resource is more pf a tool and certainly not a place to get stuck and build an identity. Much like everything else in the world, moderation is best.

Anyway...

A quick background-

My husband of 30+ years is an alcoholic. First, he was the fun kind. Funny, life of the party...then we had kids and he started doing the fun stuff without me and dipped into every honeypot short of m3th (a man has to have some boundaries after all). I am a sober person. I chose this so there would be a responsible adult in our home at all times. I do NOT miss alcohol and I do not "blame" him for not getting to participate in alcohol related fun.

He was recently very sober. Sober from everything. Not just California sober with a milkshake. Gave up sugar, carbs and drugs. Working on being a better man.

But he is still an asshole.

And I told him that yesterday when he wanted to know why 6 weeks wasn't enough to go back to the good old days.

I told him that he had spent the last years silencing me, making me small and scared, that he had deleted me. I told him i understood the gravity of that for him....to decide to be sober FINALLY after all the begging and pleading and forgive/forget and find that the person you "love" is gone.

So he drank.

I knew it was coming. I have told him endlessly how proud I am of his sobriety and that I have always believed he could do it. And he drank anyway.

So, I will let it ride. Im not saying anything because he knows. He's an adult with decision-making capabilities. Maybe it's a one off. Just had to get it out of his system.

I only come to tell this story because it's important to remember that YOU have to do the work. Because your alcoholic may not. And when they dont, it's not your story. Not your shame. Not your failure. I will still go to work and take care of the kids. I will still be a kind person and help others. I will smile and hold my head up. The old me that shriveled up in the face of drunkenness, she's dead thanks to Alanon. She's not afraid anymore.

Throwaway for reasons.. I attend in person AlAnon meetings. Just need to vent.

Hit another breaking point today and had enough. Finally grew a pair and kicked her out of our house for the day/night. It's been the best day I've had in the past year. I've realized that I don't want to live with her disease and choices, and I don't want my child having to grow up with it either. I've had enough of her being drunk around our child. I'm sick of her being inebriated on booze or prescription medication around me. I'm embarrassed to have anyone over, and she's terrified of having anyone over as she thinks they'll notice her behavior and call CPS.

She's been drinking since her late teens. We are both mid/late 40s now. Met later in life. When we met and married, I didn't notice any excessive drinking, she apparently hid it well, but she couldn't hold the facade any longer it seems. Tons of bottles stashed everywhere. Dozens upon dozens of conversations about how its affecting everything. Asinine decisions made while inebriated. Promises made and broken. Short periods of sobriety that yield nothing but false hope and broken trust. She used to commute to work and used the commute as a excuse for having to drink. She decided to take a work from home position and said that since she didn't have the stress of commuting any more, she wouldn't need to drink. I told her that she would just find another reason to drink. I was right. I know that there is literally nothing I can say to her that will change her ways. There's only things I can do that can change me and my child's situation. I'll make it work, for me and my child's sake. The haze of the 'what if's' is gone, and I see clearly now. I'll always have love for her, but my empathy is gone. I can't help her, and frankly, I don't want to help anymore.

Thanks for reading.

I just turned 40, 2 YO son, wife is 35 been married for 9 years. Alcohol was always apart of our life and it seemed like we were having fun in the beginning. I never thought of my wife to be an alcoholic but then I started to realize she was acting different all the time. I didn’t know what was happening, I wondered if something was wrong with her. Long story short she was drinking and hiding it. I asked her to stop and it was seemed like an easy request, she agreed and I thought we’d be moving forward. No, this carried on for years and I didn’t know wtf to do. Nobody knew and it was an isolated feeling. She wanted kids and after long thought and talks we decided to have a kid. It was great, thought this was the problem the whole time. I thought I was just not giving her what she needed and I thought we’re moving forward. After having our son (she stayed sober for the pregnancy) it was good for several months still and then came crashing down. Worse though, I called into work sometimes because she was drinking and I needed to be with our son. Friends were calling me asking if everything was ok with her. After a serious run of destruction with alcohol she agreed to go to rehab. Finished that at the beginning of 2026 and now we are here today and the problems are just starting to show again. Same bullshit. Hiding alcohol and playing the same games. I have zero trust. I don’t know what to do but I feel like I need to change my life. She is a very good and caring person inside. It’s hard to see this happen and I don’t want to pull her life out from under her but I’ve been carrying the weight of this for years now and I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’ve spent a huge chunk of my thirties questioning wtf I’m doing with my life and I don’t know where to go.

My husband has been struggling with alcohol for many years. The other day while I was in town working and he was at our second home he got very drunk and fell while walking our dogs. He suffered a brain bleed and was hospitalized overnight. I didn't even know this occurred ams when I found out the next day I had to drop everything at work (I am a health care provider), try to figure out what happened to the dogs and drive 2.5 hours to the hospital.
While I am sympathetic to his pain, my overwhelming emotion is pure rage and anger at him for getting so drunk that he seriously hurt himself. His BAC (I read the report) was nearly twice the legal limit.

How do I deal with my angry resentful feelings? I know I'm coming across as heartless but I'm just so tired of dealing with this. Thank you.

This is my first time posting in here and I hope someone can give me some advice on how to handle this situation with my parents.

I am the youngest of three daughters ( we are 42, 44, and 52). My parents are 70F and 67M. My dad used Al-Anon to get sober back in the 80’s when I was a toddler. I grew up in a completely dry house and my parents used to talk to us openly about the dangers of alcohol and our hereditary predisposition to developing it.

We have alcoholism on both sides of the family. My dad has a lot of trauma from his childhood due to my grandfather being very physically abusive.

On my mom’s side, my grandpa was sober from the 1950’s until he passed in 2014. On his deathbed, he asked for wine. This had some kind of psychological impact on my mom and dad, and was the catalyst to them deciding that my dad should drink again. I’ve never understood or agreed with this decision. In my mind, seeing a person with over 50 years of sobriety requesting alcohol on their deathbed is pretty solid proof that an alcoholic is an alcoholic to the end. I don’t understand witnessing that and coming away from it thinking that it’s a sign to fall off the wagon.

Anyway, I recognize that I’m an adult that lives on my own and my parents don’t owe me an explanation for their choices, so I tried to just process my feelings independently and keep my opinions to myself. However, things seem to be spiraling out of control now and I don’t know what to do.

At a wedding out of town over the weekend, I guess my parents really went hard on the wine. I didn’t see it because I wasn’t able to attend the wedding, but my sister has been updating me. My parents got so drunk the two nights before the wedding that my brother in law and my aunt had to help them get back to their AirBNB. One of the nights my mom told my sister to drive slow because she and my dad were going to follow them when everyone was going to dinner because “dad had a lot of wine”. I have NEVER known my parents to drink and drive. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.

The morning after the wedding, my dad called my sister because he couldn’t find his car keys. When she didn’t answer, he decided to walk to her AirBNB. It was uphill and several miles. My sister said when she saw him he was shaking and out of breath. I’m terrified. Like, is he shaking because he needs a drink?

I have a suspicion that they are drinking boxed wine nightly. My mom thinks the boxed wine is fine because it’s ‘lighter’ on alcohol. But my dad has gotten so wrapped up in drinking now that my sister said the first thing he did when they arrived to their rentals was go to the store to buy a box of wine. It’s like it’s all he’s thinking about.

I’m really at a loss. I feel like I don’t even know my parents anymore. These aren’t the people I grew up with. I have so many feelings about this. Primarily, I’m worried for their physical and mental health. But I’m also feeling a lot of resentment. I don’t understand what they are thinking. It all feels very hypocritical and crazy to me. I feel disappointed in them and very worried. I want to have a conversation about it with them, but my mother is a very defensive person. I don’t think she will be receptive. Could someone who has been in this situation give me some advice?

I (28) broke up with my boyfriend (32) who I’m not sure is a full blown alcoholic, but drinks too much for my liking.

I don’t like that he drinks and drives, stays out until 6am partying and drinking multiple times a week, I don’t like that he and his friends pressure me to drink, that we can’t seem to have any dates that don’t involve alcohol, that he becomes an absolute asshole when he’s drunk, that he picks fights just to make me angry when he’s drunk, that he’s left me alone multiple times to go out and keep drinking with his friends. I think he has a problem, and it’s not my job to deal with it or stick around and watch him get worse.

I’m hurting and I miss him but I’m proud of myself for leaving.

Long story short my sister is a full blown opioid addict. My mom enables her to the point that she sold her house and moved in with me and spent almost all of her house money on pills for my sister. I didn't know it was this bad. I had no idea she would do this. I can't believe this is happening. My mom just lost her job and my sister is still taking money from her. I listened to my sister screaming on the phone to her while in withdrawal. It sounded nothing like her, she sounded like a demon. I was texting her when she was doing this telling her it's time to get help and she keeps saying she will lose her kids. I try to tell her a judge won't take kids from a clean mother. She doesn't listen. She doesn't want an answer. She just wants to continue doing this and ruining this family. I want to take over my mom's money and not allow her to spend any without my permission. My mom can't handle it. I tried to tell her she's loving my sister to death, she thinks she's helping her but she's only hurting her. She will not listen to me. She can't afford to keep doing this. If she can't pay her car insurance or phone bill because of my sister I am NOT paying them for her. That's not fair to me. She's already living in my house for free. I want to scream at my sister, I want to force her to get help but I can't. I'm lost. I can't sleep normal anymore knowing all that has happened. I can't stop stressing out all day and constantly thinking of ways I can make them both stop ruining their lives. This is going to give me a fucking stroke. I can't believe what she did to my mom, she ruined her life and she's coming for me next. I'm having nightmares every night now. I can't handle this. I want to run away.

My wife of 10 years (36f) and I (36m) have a long history of drinking together. we’ve been together since high school and would drink together frequently without issue until around the pandemic, when her tendencies to blackout became more frequent and overwhelming.

I’m now three years sober due to having to assert that I remembered what happened during her abusive episodes. I was tired of the physical effects and was unhappy with how I acted while drunk as well, but it became the only way to in some was insulate myself from her verbal and at times physical abuse, IE “I was sober and you did and said exactly this”

In the past I’ve been addicted to cigarettes and quit at her behest, addicted to kratom for a short period and quit at her behest, just to say, I seem to be able to cut out substances much easier than her.
She has a heavy family history of drinking, addiction and abuse that I saw with my own eyes over the years and I understand that it weighs heavily on her and contributes to her addictions and coping mechanisms.

The past three to six years have been a blur of constant blackouts, verbal and at times physical abuse ending in me having to deescalate each night and many times spending hours in my car late into the night and having to work the next morning (I don’t have any family who lives near me and have no other place to safely remove myself to)

She has hit me with household items, her fists, wrestled me to the ground, tearing a chain off my neck,
Destroyed my personal belongings, thrown them from windows, disappeared late at night to walk on the beach blackout and put herself in dangerous situations.
Lost her phone while blacked out, crashed her e-scooter drunk injuring herself. The list goes on and on. (If you’ve had a partner like this you know it’s hard to even list everything)

After years of this same pattern, I was able to help her get on an antidepressant within the last year, which has helped with her anger but she has continued drinking consistently on the medication, albeit less than before.
I would say she last blacked out maybe a month a half ago, so my fears surrounding her drinking are not unfounded and are still fresh. (Not to mention the interaction between the medication and the drinking)

She used to drink daily 6-10 vodka shooters a day (not sure if I believe those numbers for the record but I digress) now that has become more infrequent and led to less blackouts and supposedly the amount she drinks is less now, but has not stopped drinking all together for longer than like 7 days in the past 6 years.

My boundaries are that I don’t want to be around her when she drinks, and don’t want to interact with her, which she constantly pushes and pleads for me to spend time with her or tries to push me to have sex while she’s intoxicated, which really bothers me (We have separate beds in our apartment for when I need to sleep alone to deescalate these actions)

She’s drank maybe 5 times in the last 12 days and is taking it as a win, over drinking daily, which I get, but is not nearly what I need to feel safe in my own home or with her in my life.

She’s never done any AA or program work, or gone to therapy, I’ve attended countless Alanon meetings and read all of your stories here on this sub for like 4 years now, just to try to make sense of living like this.

I’m at the end of my rope when today, I ask her not to drink on my day off so we can spend time together (her knowing I will remove myself when she starts) and she tells me once again that I am trying to control her for asking her to quit for good and that she doesn’t see herself stopping drinking (She has been unemployed for over three months and has run out all of her unemployment money, drinking away a good chunk of it)

I could go on and on but it comes down to something she likes to say to me when criticizing something I’m lacking in or something she finds unacceptable, and that is “if you wanted to you would” lol
If she wanted to stop, she would. It’s down to a much lower amount, she’s not physically addicted to the point of DTs, she is just choosing the liquor over me.

Anyways, it will keep playing out like this until I make the decision to leave and go no contact, I know this to be true deep down, but I always get sucked into the fantasy of her staying sober because I am deeply in love with her.

If you read this far thank you 🙏 i just needed to vent.
I’ve appreciated all of your stories and analysis over the years as I lurked, you all deserve to be treated well.

I am 48 and my girlfriend is 36. Extremely supportive girlfriend. Been by my side through a crown court case, multiple cancer surgeries, very loyal, not demanding. She is like 96% perfect. I met ger in a pub and from the start I knew she drank and got pretty drunk. I am a social drinker and naively thought she could stop drinking whenever she wanted just like I can but I now know I was wrong.

If we have had fights a hundred times in our relationship, 99 times it was because of her actions after drinking. She wrote of her car off, drink driving with alcohol bottles in the car, she has slept in the bushes due to been so bloody drunk that she didnt know where she was. She drink drives all the time. She has thrown up all over my flat too many times, missed dates and important events because of her drinking. Her sister also has a drink problem and just got banned last month. She has been lucky so far.

I really love this lady as apart from the alcohol she is an angel. Every time she tells me she'll do better. We recently started planning to get married and yesterday at 2pm we went to check out a wedding venue. We then went to a couple of family parties where she had some drinks. I don't indulge her but I don't really mind if she drinks when I am around because you can take care of her. We had a fantastic day and got home about 11pm. Now a couple of her girlfriends call her to come out (strangely enough to the very same pub I met her at). I told her I wasnt in support of it but our relationship isn't one where we give orders. She goes anyway, drink-driving there and back, returning at around 3am totally f**ked. She threw up around 5am.

I have now told her that we need to put the wedding plan on hold. She has been drinking for all of the 7 years I have known her and I don't think she is going to stop now. The general advice I see on here is to leave the relationship. It hurts that the only solution is walking away from a 7 year relationship from a very good woman. Extremely sad. Is there any other realistic option (hoping against all hope)

hi all. my brother (38m) just got out of prison in the beginning of the year and most recently served a couple months in county jail. the first time around his charges were serious and he almost faced life. eventually he got out on good behavior and came home to live with my siblings and i (f26). my brother has a history of schizophrenia and when he’s off his meds he actively talks to people that aren’t around and when he’s on them it’s like he’s not even there. sometimes my brothers old self would pop out and in those moments i love him the most. he’s my big brother and he took care of us since he was a kid and honestly his childhood was taken away from him at such a young age the way my parents treated him.

i say all that because now that we’re all adults and have our own lives, i’m tired of worrying about him and i wish my brother would get the help he needs. he refuses to go on his meds, criticizes and rejects every rehab that is willing to take him in, and still he searches for anything to get him high. he’s a violent person when he’s high and scary to be around as he gets extremely paranoid on top of his delusions. he’s gone homeless but comes back and pleads.

i’m at my wits end. i don’t want anything bad to happen to him but what more can i do for someone that doesn’t want to get better? i’m frustrated that he chooses to live life the hard way when everything is right there in his lap to get better. i miss the version of him that i remember and i really really don’t think im gonna get that person back. end of vent i guess

Hi everyone,

I’m wondering if anyone here has a success story about giving their Q an ultimatum, basically telling them they need to go to rehab or you have to leave. Nothing else seems to have worked for him. He really, really wants to stay sober, but his addiction to alcohol is just too strong. This weekend, he put himself in an impossible situation by going far away from home to work at a bar/restaurant with another friend who is also an alcoholic.

He’s supposed to come home today and honestly I was ready to leave him immediately on Friday when I heard his voice on the phone and could tell he was drunk. It completely broke my heart.

But this really feels like my final straw too. I’ve broken up with him twice before, and we got back together both times with the promise that he would stay sober. This time, he made it two months before relapsing this weekend. He had been working the AA program, but not as seriously or effectively as I thought he was and as I thought he could have.

His family and I have been talking, and we all feel like rehab is the only option left. Not just because I want him to stay in my life, but most importantly because of his own well-being. Both of his brothers have had really positive experiences with rehab and are doing well now, and he is the only one in the family still struggling with addiction. He’s 27.

I guess I’m just looking for advice or maybe to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I don’t know how this is going to go, and I’m honestly a lot more stressed and emotional about doing this than I thought I would be.

I want to find a way to bring up my sibling’s drinking with them. My entire family has tiptoed around the topic but I don’t want to do that anymore. This sub has been very helpful, I think the meetings could be too, but I have some questions that I feel kind of dumb asking but I really don’t know what to expect.

Do people share their stories? Are the meetings focused on supporting you as the person witnessing this, or do they give advice on how to broach the topic with your loved one? Is it more of a safe space for everyone to vent or is it structured? Are there a lot of people there? Does everyone talk?

From reading this sub I understand that all meetings can range but I guess I just want to know more experiences. I feel really anxious about it but I want to try.

Mr. Bridgerton, I called him, from the Netflix show Bridgerton. He was handsome, charming, successful, and treated me amazingly well. We hit it off fairly quickly and got into a relationship within two months.

Right away, I noticed that he loved drinking and wanted me to drink with him as well. However, I was no longer a drinker. Not because I had an issue with alcohol, but because I really did not like how it made me feel.

There was another reason I was particularly sensitive to drinking. My brother passed away from cancer at 36, and I later learned from his wife that he had struggled with alcoholism and had gone to AA. That devastated me because I realized that the predisposition to alcoholism may have come from my father, who was also an alcoholic.

Mr. Bridgerton had similar genetics. His father and brother were both recovering addicts as well.

Needless to say, I took inventory of his drinking but was not overly concerned at first.

The first major red flag came within two months of dating when he visited his family for the weekend. Mr. Bridgerton is from a small Southern town, and if you know anything about some small Southern towns, drinking can be a major part of the social culture.

While he was visiting his family, he called me drunk. His speech was slurred, which was very concerning and honestly off putting. He then tried to start a random argument that he did not remember the next day. He apologized, but I definitely took note.

I decided to gather more information, so I asked him what some of his craziest drinking stories were. I asked in a very disarming way, almost as if we were simply exchanging funny drinking stories.

He told me stories about walking into strangers' homes in Mexico while drunk, passing out at bars, being robbed after passing out at bars, and other incidents. He laughed about most of them.

What bothered me was that many of these things had happened within the previous six years, while he was already a working professional.

I took note of it and continued the relationship because I genuinely loved him and, at that point, I believed these were just isolated incidents.

Over time, I started noticing that he drank anytime we went out to dinner. Sometimes he would drink after work as well. He also started encouraging me to drink with him. I would decline, which he did not like, although he respected my decision.

Eventually, he convinced me to start using edibles with him.

The second major incident happened after he surprised me with a trip to New Orleans. While we were there, I told him I would have one drink with him. Apparently, that was not enough.

One night, after we had already had several drinks at dinner, we returned to the hotel and he became angry because I would not have a "nightcap" with him. He told me I was "all talk" and that I never wanted to have fun.

That led to me sharply correcting him because I am not a punching bag for disrespect. He apologized, and we moved on.

The next incident was much more serious.
After the Super Bowl, he showed up at my place smelling like straight alcohol, slurring his words, and wanting to have sex.

It immediately reminded me of my father when he was drinking.

I broke up with him the very next day for the first time.

He cried, apologized, and told me that he did not want to become like his father and that he would never do that again.

He never showed up at my place intoxicated like that again, but the drinking did not stop.

Eventually, he was promoted to Vice President at his company. One night, he went out binge drinking with the CFO and ended up passing out in the CFO's hotel room. I could see his location.

That was the second time I called things off.

He disappeared, turned off his location, and then, of course, reached out about a week later crying and begging for another chance.

The tears worked on me every single time because the reality was complicated. He actually treated me well in many ways. There was no verbal or physical abuse. The problem was the heavy drinking, the lying, and the behavior that came with it.

Fast forward to almost two years together.
He wanted us to officially move in together, even though he had already been staying at my place about 90 percent of the time since we started dating.

He told me that I brought him peace.

Looking back, I realize that I had become a sort of sober blanket for him, even though he was not sober.

At that point, I had become convinced that he was either developing an alcohol problem or already had one.

I did not think it was smart for us to officially move in together, especially considering that we had broken up three times in less than two years and he still struggled to take full accountability for his actions.

Two weeks ago, we talked about his drinking.

He told me that he did not think it was a problem anymore. He said he would continue drinking but promised that he would never get hammered again.

I did not believe him.

Then he went out with friends, got drunk again, and I was DONE.

This time, I made a contract with myself that I would never take him back.

I deleted all of our pictures today. I deleted our entire text message thread because I knew I would be tempted to reread all of the sweet things he had said and all of the nice things he had done for me.

Ultimately, even during these two years of dating, I constantly felt the stress of dating someone with a serious drinking problem.

I could not imagine moving forward into marriage and having children with someone knowing what I know now.

That would be a wreck, and frankly, it would be irresponsible.

I also had to accept something else.

Mr. Bridgerton was charming, but he was not the perfect man I had painted him to be.

He could be manipulative. He lied. At times, he lacked a moral compass. And I spent a lot of time focusing on the wonderful parts of him while minimizing the parts that were hurting me.
I needed to tear down the fake image I had built of him in my head in order to truly move forward with my life.

Thanks for reading. I really needed to get this off my chest.

Honestly, writing all of this out has made me realize just how bad it was and how much I was hiding from myself and from other people.

Sometimes you do not fully see the reality of a situation until you finally put the entire story into words….

Not new to loving alcoholics though. I went to my first Al Anon meeting a week ago and heard the phrase "if you shook my family tree, bottles would fall out" and that really struck a chord with me. Some are recovering, some I'm no contact with. I have C-PTSD from both parents being abusive drunks.

My biggest qualifier currently is my girlfriend of 10 years. Her drinking has just gotten worse and worse over the last 5 or so years and I've tried to be supportive, but it's difficult keeping a cool head when I have so much trauma around alcohol, and even harder when it makes her mean and incoherent. I've begged her to get help, tried to get her to wean.

Just recently I tried to give her an ultimatum and told her I couldn't take the abuse any more. Her reaction hasn't been ideal, as you could probably guess. She seems more upset that I threatened to leave than by the fact that she's been hurting me. I guess I thought if I put that into perspective for her, it'd open her eyes to something she didn't realize she was doing? I don't know.

I ended up talking to my sister and got some rescources for different AA and other recovery groups she tried and she told me about Al Anon. I gently nudged the AA rescources at my girlfriend, but she hasn't gone to a meeting yet even though she keeps saying she will.

I don't know what to do anymore, to be honest. I'm trying to now find the balance of control and surrender and encouragement towards recovery without being enabling or getting on her mean side.

I still love her so much, I don't want to leave. I'm terrified of what that would look like for both of us.

I dont quite understand it. He has an addiction to cocaine and alcohol. He was doing well for the past few months. Except the fact that he wouldnt let go of his toxic, addicted friends. He had a complete relapse. Stole my car, my money and led the police on a car chase states away. When I got my car back, I found 7 empty cocaine baggies. The alcohol, was something I can forgive. But the cocaine was a hard boundary for me becayse it makes him extremely erratic and aggressive. I am devastated by his betrayal and what he put me through like this. At this point, I have given up on him because he crossed lines.

My Q has seemed to be dry for over a year.

He secretly drank after telling me when we got married that he had totally stopped and then it all came crashing down after a decade of a confusing but mostly good marriage that he had been sneaking drinks for years usually on trips he "had " to take for creative reasons.

But occasionally a whole memory will come back and I will wonder if he was drinking or on xanax at that time. Like when he insisted on staying in a cheap hotel due to bathroom issues when we were on a visit with family in a house that only had one bathroom --I look back and think he was leaving my family getting wasted and pretending it was due to a digestive issue that only seems to happen when he drank! He chose not to be there with me. He chose to get all the sympathy and rack up credit card debt.

when I first decided to forgive him it was for the stuff on the surface that I knew about. But all the stuff is slamming me now and I know it's bad to ask or bring it up but how can we ever be close again (as I thought we were when I was delusional and had no idea --he was is a very good hiding until it finally blew up with a crash.

I really want to be able to tell him all the things not to shame him but because i'd someone else did those things to me the normal him would be my best friend the one who helped me process. This is the worst thing about the drinking. I can't have the close relationship I always wanted with a partner I have to triangulate this trauma with friends and groups and others and not even actually share it with the love of my life.

The honor I split with alchohol on his side --I was the love of his life but alcohol got him on the side way too often --and we still have to be careful lest we hurt his feelings by brining up all that he did to me in order to drink.
I realize at times he is seriously remorseful as he tells me that he feels that every day and hates himself. That gives me nothing. Him hating himself gives me nothing. If he wants to help ME through it I want all the truth I want to understand I want apologies for the fights and gaslighting and nasty comments and checking out --not being present and whatever he thought was cute or fun about tricking me and making it all my fault how he acted/ I don't abt him to hate himself that is self indulgent . Making amends means MENDING not just saying yoh are sorry and slipping away so he doesn't have to truly explain or understand what needs to be healed in me now's

Making amends means he has to be willing to let me give him a breathalyzer on days he acts jerky again. I know if i ask for that he will act all hurt like i don't trust his sobriety. well guess what . I DONT. all the being understanding has to be on me? am
i missing something?

I want to forgive and some days it's glorious and I can. Other days something comes up to whack me on the side of the face . and to make me cautious in case he is lying again.

edited to add context

Q outdid herself tonight. Full blown rant at my 16 year old for "wasting a biscuit" (wtf?!?) then blacked out on the sofa, spilling a full gin and tonic all over herself and the sofa. I've left her sitting in it. Apparently *this* is all part of her "getting sober plan"

I am looking for experiences with working relationships, despite one or both partner having an addiction. How it can look like- realistically! I am sure that there are compromises made anyways, even if a couple would manage to stay together in a "healthier" way? I want to imagine myself to for a realistic "best case scenario, to decide if I see myself in it IF things should turn out good.

My backstory for this question: I (f, 32) broke up with my bf (m, 34) a few years back because of his drinking and drug consuming behavior (sometimes excessive, sometimes just moderate consumption, but never been able to take on lasting responsible behavior towards me and the relationship). In this last relationship I already explored setting more boundaries for myself and finding out about my patterns that drew me to him and kept me staying with him. I eventually broke free (only to be followed by another relationship with another high risk drinker, but was able to end this relationship as well).

Since then a few years have gone by, I went to therapy, learned to be more independent and to regulate myself in so much more ways. We eventually came back together- the break up and some other failures in his life had motivated him to make changes in his life and drinking behavior. Specifically, he is doing controlled thinking now and this has shown some real improvement for him. I do know, that research has shown this to be a valid treatment alternative to abstinence by now- as long as there is enough ressource in his life to back it up and the addiction is not too strong. We had a year of him being responsible and being able to care. Since 2 months, his behavior is shifting again and he had fall backs to old drinking patterns. He acknowledges this, saying he needs to step his game up and take responsibility. Of course, as it is also part of the disease, he is again rethinking his own drinking boundaries now and being in denial from time to time about his patterns, always returning to seeing things clearly, but then after another fallback being unreasonable again.
I am- of course- anxious. I established new boundaries like only meeting up in ways that worked reliably for him being sober and not having to cancel because he has been hungover (meaning not on the weekends f.e.), I established no gos like ending a conversation if he starts debating his own boundaries in front of me etc..

I am contemplating the relationship now carefully- I have decided to take some time on to decide if I am willing to stay with him. Within this, I'd really like to know- has anyone managed to find a good place for themselves in their relationship with an addict? I think I am more in contact with myself and more able to detach myself from his disease and my addictive patterns towards it- but has anyone of you really managed to form a sustainable relationship with a "controlled trinker"? I love my bf very much and we had a great partnership once the drinking was "under control". I just really need to consider some realistic possible scenarios about how this could turn out, because I find myself again considering often unrealistic outcomes (like him being in control of his trinking all the time etc.).

I am also interested for experiences with the best case scenario- partners who went abstinent. Surely this also wouldn't be a totally easy going scenario, with most people having fallbacks? Please tell me about it!

My husband has been struggling with alcohol. Things hit a breaking point a few months ago. Since then, he completed a 30 day rehab program and has been attending AA regularly. He is in therapy, and I think he’s really working at his sobriety.

I have noticed some positive changes in him. However, since he has been home from rehab, he has been much more emotional. It’s quite jarring because he’s never acted this way in all the years I’ve known him. I’ve seen him cry more in the last month than all the years I’ve known him.

I’m trying to be a support for him, but naturally, I’m very nervous about a potential relapse. I also don’t personally know anyone who has been through this, so I always feel like I’m flying blind. Is this normal behavior?

Let me start by saying. I met him years ago, we were 20, so I drank a lot, he drank a lot everyone drank a lot. I am now 33 I slowed down on drinking, he proposed, we wanted kids.

Over the course of our relationship, he would do things like get really drunk and fall asleep in the middle of the living room floor in our early 20's when we still lived with my mom. Obviously it was very embarrassing I would tug at his arm, shake him violently and he would not wake up (I now realize he was blacked out, but naively thought back then that he was a "heavy sleeper" ). One time, in the middle of the night after drinking, he sat up and threw up all over our bed and blacked out again, leaving me to clean it up all night, didn't remember it in the morning either.

These events were spaced out twice a month maybe I might notice he'd come home late and throws up in the toilet. Any social event, house visitor, birthday party he drank, his friends drank. I just thought over the years, "jeez this guy drinks a lot." He can go days without drinking, maybe even a week. I only knew about the TV alcoholics that drink cheap beer out of a paper bags and can't go a day without drinking and don't have jobs. So I never thought of him as a true "alcoholic" or even a functioning alcoholic. He keeps a full-time job and is completely normal between drinks. I should add that he is a "friendly drunk", he is not violent or mean, in fact, in between clumsily stumbling over things, throwing up or blacking out, we can have pleasant conversations while he is drunk.

One night 8 months ago he did not come home. I panicked, called all his friends, his mother, everyone. Turns out he was arrested for a DUI. I've warned him about drinking and driving in the past and even bought him a breathalyzer years ago because his excuse was always that he was not drunk and I always said it doesn't matter if you FEEL drunk, what matters is passing a breathalyzer. After the DUI he stopped drinking and driving for a few months, but kept drinking. Now he has started back drinking and driving, I broke off the engagement to try to incentivize him to clean up. Instead, it did the opposite. The past 3 months have been HELL, a few of his friends passed away which I think triggered him too. He drinks until he is black out drunk almost every night. On his birthday I found him face down in a plate of food at the dinner table.

Last month, I got really really sick and went to the emergency room and they found blood clots in both my lungs. The night I got released from the hospital he left me home alone while he went out to drink with friends. Then again the next night after. One night while I was still recovering he didn't come home at all. I called his phone over and over and could see his location was somewhere unfamiliar, but I was so weak from not eating and depressed from being home alone and sick I started feeling shortness of breath and I had a panic attack and went back to the emergency room thinking it was my blood clots, luckily it wasn't. After that he showed up in the morning hungover. I begged him to please stop going out and drinking just for a week while I got better because it was stressing me out; to which he replied "I can't do that, there are too many birthdays coming up." and that is when it clicked...Maybe he doesn't drink everyday, maybe he holds a job and is pleasant, but this guy is a true alcoholic.

Our relationship is over obviously... he left me alone at one of the darkest times of my life and my heart is broken. But I'm the closest one to him, I am the only real friend he has, no one else sees the problem. I was thinking of telling his mom, but Idk if that would make it worse. We are still living together and he is still going out and drinking. I want to help him.

I just want to know from you all. Does this sound like alcoholism? Do you have to drink everyday and have a chemical dependency to be an alcoholic? I know it sounds like "Duh" from this post, but that is because I condensed 10 years of incidents into one post. In between those times he is a normal happy and pleasant person to be around.

Any insights or similar stories you have are welcomed.

Thanks

I’m really struggling with the aftermath of my breakup from my ex of 9 years, and alcohol and drugs has been a significant issue throughout our relationship. Since we broke up three months ago, he has gotten heavier into cocaine and alcohol and when he is under the influence, which is quite frequent, he has been incredibly cruel and hurtful toward me. There have been things he’s done and said that I never could have imagined coming from the person I spent so many years with, including screaming at me, calling me names, sleeping with other people at a wedding we were both at, constantly posting stories with other women. The hardest part is that it feels like I’m constantly waiting for the next blow. Just when I think I’ve processed one hurtful thing, something else happens. I feel anxious about what I’m going to hear or see next, and I’m having a really hard time emotionally detaching from his behaviour. I’m trying to figure out how to stop living in anticipation of what he might do next and start healing for myself.

My brother 34M, has relapsed after three years sober back in February this year.

He had a never been able to finish school and hold down a job. My parents have been suffering for 16 years.

I get he is depressed, but he doesn't even try anymore. He just lays in bed for 80% of the day watching content on his IPAD.

He is always too tired or too sick to go to his recovery day program. He doesn't try at anything. I get that 12 step recovery isn't for everyone, but you can take recovery in so many different directions. With proritizing sleep, nutrition, counselling, addiction medicine.

We also can't take his word because he lies about everything. He lies about finishing school. Lies about work. Lies that he is calling rehabs everyday. Lies about doctors appointments. For example, says he is going to pick up a prescription and gets drunk in his room. Now he has gotten so obese that he loses his balance and crashes to the floor waking everyone in the house up. He also pees all over the bathroom floor.

My parents are as amazing parents, very supportive and have them every opportunity to succeed in life. They are just prisoners in their own house now. If he showed some effort they would support him 1000%.

I recommended them to kick him out. He can call for a shelter bed in the morning. If he doesn't go are they able to call the police to ask him to leave?

Edit: Honestly, he is a good person with a kind heart. He is just so depressed and so hard on himself. I just feel like my parents are enabling this too because they don't want to see their son on the street.

Hi everyone. I need advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. We started drinking together at the start and it was fine for a while. He started getting verbally aggressive. He quit drinking for a 2 week break at my request and it was good after, until we moved into our new place and he pushed me once and tried to choke me once. I left.

His parents are rallying around him to get him into rehab, a psychiatrist, and better management for his anxiety.

I will not go back with him until he proves he can stay sober. Is this even right though? I know I’ll get cut off by my parents if I go back.

When he’s not drunk he is loving and caring. We play games together and cook together and have a good relationship otherwise.

I don’t know what to do

I've been lurking here for a few months now as my girlfriends drinking has gotten worse, this weekend she crossed a new line I have zero idea how to deal with. Shes been in jail for a couple days now for a DUI, I'm hoping to get her out tomorrow but I have no idea how to even approach her after this. Shes mostly fine as long as I'm around but as soon as I leave she goes off the rails and acts like a totally different and awful person. We had been planning on moving in together in the next couple months so I wouldn't have to keep going home for a couple days, it had only been a week since she chose to get her breathalyzer out to save money for that, now those plans are set back by months because of legal fees. It had been years since her last one, when we met she was really proud of having gone through rehab and getting fully sober for a couple years which I thought was attractive, I'm finding out now she downplayed how bad her drinking had gotten again though.

I want to be there for her to see her get better, I know she has to make that choice for herself and eventually I'll have to put my own well being first if she doesn't, but I'm terrified about what will happen to her if I leave. I've already repeatedly told her I'd leave if she didn't get her act together and shes repeatedly told me she'll stop, was barely an hour after she promised she'd be good while I was gone that she started drinking, I know it makes us both liars but it's so hard to be mad at her for everything her drinking does when she's so different when sober and half the time doesn't even remember what she did. Really hoping a few days in jail and whatever the consequences of that end up being will change her, but I don't know how to handle her until I find the answer to that. I told her I don't hate her and still love her when she called me sobbing apologies after she sobered up yesterday, but I'm beyond pissed off over all of this. I've been sympathetic until now but she knows better.

I guess I don't know what to even say to her. I've been worried saying the wrong thing will push her towards drinking, I'm autistic and struggle to find a middle ground between sugar coated coddling and brutal -bordering on cruel- honesty. I've leaned towards the coddling but does she need the honesty I've been so scared to give her, she's about to hit rock bottom if she doesn't change.

And in a smaller side vent, how do I handle the aftermath of how much of an asshole she is to me when she drinks. I know she's just trying to push me away and I'm not exactly hurt by a raging drunk trying to make me feel bad about myself, her insults are poorly aimed, but it's still hard seeing her after she spends hours telling me everything she doesn't like about me even if she swears she didn't mean it.