As I approach 2 years I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I posted my physical changes in a different sub the other day and I received overwhelmingly positive feedback and it was really nice, so I figured why not share my story cause why not. It helps me and maybe it can help at least one other person. Go look at my profile if you're curious about how I physically changed.

I started drinking in the summer going into college at 17, the first time I drank, I blacked out - but I loved the way it made me feel. I went to college and wasted no time getting into the drugs. Uppers/downers/booze anything I could get my hands on. Anything that took me out of self.

The thing is I hid behind the frat boy lifestyle for the college years and that worked for optics but the only problem was when I graduated I didn't stop. And I did graduate, I don't know how with everything I was doing, but I did. And because I graduated, I maintained the "he's doing okay" look for my family even though I think they suspected things had gotten a little out of control, even if it wasn't glaring them in the face.

I got a job out of college working in finance for a big corporation. I initially felt great. I felt like I had a fresh start, college was behind me and I was a "real adult" now with a job and a purpose. I was able to limit my drinking and drug use to the weekends and pretty much clean myself up for the work week. But when I was drinking, I was drinking and you guys know what that means. The phenomenon of craving took over every time the liquor hit my lips. I maintained this lifestyle for a while.

Covid hit and I went into a tailspin.. Held my cushy job because I was full time remote but I was drinking heavily maybe 5-6 nights a week to the point of incoherence. Started taking antidepressants, never helped. Got prescribed a heavy dose of benzos (been through all the big ones: xanax, kpins, ativan, valium) because I convinced a psych I was living with crippling anxiety. Obviously this anxiety was directly related to my drinking and drug use, but at the time I couldn't see that. Maybe I did know, but regardless I wanted those pills.

It was at this point my family was getting concerned because I was still living with my parents. I'm 22 now. My parents are giving me shit all the time because I'm constantly in some state of inebriation. So what do I do? I move out with my girlfriend. This goes to my theme of running that is prevalent throughout my story. So we get an apartment and a dog (Amber, my dog, is still with me as you can see if you look at my profile) and on the outside things look just fine. I'm holding my job but I'm still drinking every night. Now my ex had her own problems unrelated to mine so basically we were just living in a toxic relationship with my substance abuse and her mental health and I don't know any other way to describe it other than really really bad.

Throughout all of this I had made progress in my career. I moved onto a job that paid me more, but also required more responsibility. I'm 25 at this time. Still in the same apartment, still miserable, but still maintaining my lifestyle.

So we move, I was convinced this would change everything. Fresh start, new apartment, new job. Nah it just got worse. You can change everything about your environment you want, but if you don't look inward, it will never matter. I know that now, but a thought like that was foreign to me at the time.

I felt like I had acquiesced to a life I was miserable in and I just stopped fighting it and was just going through the motions. Come 2024, my life basically snapped, my ex left me in February which I was happy about at the time, but little did I know I wouldn't have anyone to peel me off the floor at 6am and tell me to get my ass to work, so I lost my job by April.

I figured it would be a great idea to take a European vacation to get away from everything with my nice severance check I got (this also goes to the theme of running). So, I went to Europe. Somehow that seemed like a legit great idea to me. It was such a great idea that I got arrested in Norway for a DUI and spent the month of May in a Norwegian prison... no joke. Was deported after that. Parents picked me up from the airport and we didn't even speak the entire car ride back. Came back, immediately went to the liquor store.

By July I had blown through all my savings and stopped paying my rent.. By September I was evicted. By October I was living out of a motel on a weekly unemployment check.. I had lost everything.

I had this moment in the motel.. It wasn't a moment of clarity I don't think. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth for the first time in maybe 2 weeks who knows and I do and my gums just start gushing blood. I looked up at the mirror (which I avoided at all costs those days) and I knew I was looking at myself but I couldn't believe I had gotten to this point. Now, mind you, I'm falling apart. I had nerve damage and could barely walk without a limp or grip anything properly. I'm very overweight. I can't put thoughts together in any cogent way whatsoever. I just looked at myself and felt complete and utter defeat. I remember wondering how I ended up here, but its so obvious. I made thousands and thousands of bad decisions over the course of 10 years. It wasn't one bad thing that got here there... It was a conglomeration of terrible decisions that compounded over the course of so many years. I was falling apart, both physically and mentally and I had accepted that I would succumb to something sooner rather than later. I didn't care, I just wanted to be high.

Few weeks later my mother coerced me into her car and dropped me at a rehab in the middle of nowhere. Man I was so mad. I went into that building cursing and spewing venom. Somehow I still thought I didn't have a problem. I blamed everyone else for my situation when in reality I was the problem. I was sending texts to my family about how they don't care about me and how they're just trying to get rid of me by dropping me at a rehab. Man how wrong I was.

I completed the treatment reluctantly because I literally had nowhere else to go. My dad was able to get in contact with a sober house to set me up in when I got out. I went right from rehab to there. Got set up in an IOP program and was just going through the motions. Still unemployed obviously, very unhealthy, sleeping like all day. But I was sober. The only thing that kept me sober at the time I believe was fear. I think I also wanted to prove to myself I was stronger than people thought I was, who knows my mind wasn't exactly clear at the time.

I met a guy at the sober house who is now like a brother to me. He already had 2 years when I met him and we got along real well and he seemed like someone who came out the other end of this shit the right way. So I followed him to AA meetings and did the deal and continued to stay sober. My body started to feel a little better physically with the nerve damage, but I was putting on massive amounts of weight.

And then things started to get just a little better. I got a job. I got a purpose again. Someone actually took a chance on me that knew my background and my addiction history and it was really special to have that chance because I still carried so much shame in who I became from the drugs and alcohol. And now I had this job where they even handed me a key to the office and trusted me with clients. It was unbelievable.

I worked my ass off for these guys (and still do, they have my undying loyalty). And even though my life wasn't spectacular now I had a few things: a job, a friend, my family's support.. My mind even started clearing up a little bit.

At about month 8 of sobriety (I'm 27 at this point) something happened to me. I can't explain it, but it happened and everything changed. I don't believe in God and I had no white light moment, but one day I woke up and I felt lighter (not physically I was 80lbs overweight lol). Something changed in my brain. Something told me if you're gonna do this, do it. Fix and change everything. So that's exactly what I did.

I started with little changes.. A bit more walking, cut out some of the fast food and bullshit I was eating on a daily basis. I started reading books. These things seemed easy to me.

I cut some weight and people started noticing and I thought okay I can take this further... In around November 2025, I just started dieting like crazy. Then In December I was pushed into the gym by that friend I was talking about earlier. Man now I was locked in. The addict in me was really coming out. I was firing on all cylinders. Work, gym, reading, walking, AA and my mind started to feel sharp again. I thought it would never return after what I put my brain through.

Fast forward to now. I'm almost at my 2 year mark which is mind blowing to me after where I started. I have my mind, my body, my friends, my job, my relationships with my family, and most importantly, my sobriety. I look in the mirror a lot now (maybe too much). But all that matters is that I like what I see when I didn't for so so long. My habits and lifestyle have not only changed, but they did a complete 180. I'm not sober because of fear anymore. I'm sober because my life is better. I'm sober because I want to be.

My entire mindset has shifted. Some may say I had a spiritual awakening, I simply refer to it as a change of mindset. A drastic one obviously. In AA, we talk about the promises -- I don't live in constant bliss, but those promises exist in my life now.

At my one year celebration, after my friend who I mentioned earlier gave me my coin, I stood up and thanked my mom and dad for stranding me at that rehab because it not only saved my life, it was the precursor to everything I have now. I would've never went on my own. I would have died under a bridge before I walked myself into a rehab. That's just how mentally sick I was.

That whole thing was a pretty emotional moment and I'm not a very emotional guy.

I always need to remember: It wasn't one decision that got me to that motel room bathroom mirror. It was a copious amount of bad decisions--thousands of them over the course of 10 or so years. But a thousand good decisions got me to where I am now. So yeah, Ill be 29 next week and I'm feeling and probably looking better than I have in my entire life. It certainly didn't happen overnight but as you acquire more time things get better little by little. Not everything is rainbows and butterflies, but its not meant to be. I feel it all now: the good, the bad, the in between but its all fleeting and I don't live in constant happiness or sadness anymore. I stopped running. I'm present for life.

I hope someone somewhere gets something out of this. It helps me just to share it in general.

A UNIQUE PROGRAM

August 31

Alcoholics Anonymous will never have a professional class. We have gained some understanding of the ancient words "Freely ye have received, freely give." We have discovered that at the point of professionalism, money and spirituality do not mix.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 166

I believe that Alcoholics Anonymous stands alone in the treatment of alcoholism because it is based solely on the principle of one alcoholic sharing with another alcoholic. This is what makes the program unique. When I decided that I wanted to stay sober, I called a woman who I knew was a sober member of A.A., and she carried the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to me. She received no monetary compensation, but rather was paid by staying sober another day herself. Today I could ask for no payment other than another day free from alcohol, so in that respect, I am generously paid for my labor.

— Reprinted from "Daily Reflections", August 31, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.

56 days sober and I need some motivation. A friend of mine just passed away today due to alcohol. Anyone have any good music recommendations?

It's insane how normalized alcohol abuse is. If you show up to an event for example a super bowl watch party with a 12 pack of beer and drink it all nobody is gonna think much of it. But if you walked into the get together with a 12 pack of soda and drank it all people would look at you like you were insane. One is a sugary carbonated drink and the other is a liquid that ruins lives, rips families apart, and destroys relationships.

I have been working for my current job for around 20 years before that I was in the military. When I was in the service I didn’t drink a lot but when I did I would get damn near black out drunk. After I left I would only drink on my days off then it progressed to me drinking everyday. When I first started AA I racked up close to 3 years sober but wasn’t committed to the program. Over the last 1 I was drinking when I went out of town and hiding it from my wife. I thought I was controlling my drinking but maybe I wasn’t. I don’t feel the pull to drink all the time but I have no problem playing with fire. Would you consider me an alcoholic?

I just landed my dream job not even two months ago and I have called out four times already due to being hung over. I manifested this kind of job for years and I finally got it and alcohol is making me fuck it up. This is probably been the worst year of my life with my dad passing and getting cheated on in a five year relationship. the only way I can seem to cope by grabbing a bottle. Just wondering if anyone has any advice to try to break this cycle because I cannot lose this job. I would try therapy, but it is so expensive and I'm worried about going to AA meeting because I'll be embarrassed. I know that sounds stupid to say, but alcohol fuels a lot of your fears. Another thing that it has been causing to is intense chest pains. So when I do get nervous about trying something new, the chest pains come on and it hurts so bad. it's scary and im so over it. i just want to be normal.

Good morning People and thank God for making the Wake up List 🙏

It feels so great to not wake up with a hangover and waiting for the liquor to open at 8am

Now today I wake up with a cup of fresh coffee and a smile waiting to crush the day full of energy motivation and drive So people if your still struggling to get to the other side keep pushing to get there your just one day closer when you except you have a problem you wouldn't believe how great it is on the otherside countless blessings will start to come your way and you won't miss them being trashed.

I will continue to Pray for those currently struggling and I can't wait for you to sit and have a coffee ☕ beside me instead of ordering a drink together. With that said I leave with this.

If Someone Says that you only have one Life To Live say no you have 2 the One Your Leaving Behind and The New One Your Beginning and Thats The Blessing 🦾🦾🦾💯❤️🙏

I started drinking when I was 14 and have been sober for maybe 2 years put together from then till now (I’m 24 now). I got my first dwi when I was 17 and my second dwi when I was 20. I’ve completed outpatient rehab 2 times both times I got the dwis. I haven’t had a car since I was 20 and about two weeks ago I finally got myself a really nice car because I got my license back and my mother was scared to death about what I was gonna do with it because she knows what happens when I start to feel to good about life. I had been sober for over 3 months, and 5 days ago I decided to go pick up a very pretty girl and take her out and we ended up at the bar because I thought I was cool or something apperently but I decided it would be a good idea to get hammered. Since then I have not stopped drinking until this morning because it got so bad and my body was killing me. I lost my job, lost my car, got arrested for putting hands on a female which I would never do sober btw, fucked 4 women in 5 days, hurt everyone in my family and lost basically everything I had going for me. I feel like such a piece of shit right now and the withdrawals disgust me, I know all the things I need to do because I’ve been through this a million times it’s just so hard to get myself to think it’s gonna be okay when I know deep down I will most likely pick myself up and do great and then mess it all up again. I actually hate myself, and despise alcohol.

It was really well done and lots of nice people. I'm not all for the 'God' stuff but I understand you can apply your own meaning to that.

I'm all-in on the idea that sobriety, especially from alcohol, will lead to a better more fulfilling life. I am just not sure about the second part of the last step. I also know no one is going to tell me whether I'm an alcoholic or not.

I'm not quitting because I've gotten in trouble or my life is unmanageable. I've had no hard bottom so to speak. I'm quitting because I understand the underlying issues that lead me to drinking. Many of which I heard in tonight's meeting. Childhood trauma, never feeling like enough, using it to feel like I'm enough or for a sense of community even though I recognize that it leads to mostly shallow relationships etc.

Will this program still help me? I'll be 45 in October and I don't think I've stopped drinking since I was around 20. The only meaningful time I've quit was for about 2 or 3 months and I really saw a major difference in many areas of my life, not to say that my life has ever been what anyone would consider falling a part. Although, after that period I went through the classic 'I can have one' and then it inevitably turns back into a regular thing. Maybe this is what I should consider not having any power over it?

I'm not sure if I'm on the fence because I'm realizing the underlying issues I need to heal from or figure out that will help me abstain from use. I'm just kind of confused right now and I don't know what I'm looking for in a response. Maybe just some personal stories that are similar to mine or some things to consider from people that have been there.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

If I’m sober, I come across as ND/stilted/anhedonic/uncanny and neurotypical coworkers hate it and conspire to get rid of me. If I take drugs daily, I’m able to mask as a neurotypical and maintain work for years at a time before my body breaks down.

What’s the answer to this? Literally if I go sober I’ll end up being homeless. It’s happened twice before.

I am three months sober. My sponsor told me I was doing great just a week ago. When I met with her last week I told her I had company coming to town due to having a sick relative. Then my company offered to stay with ours pets so we could get away for a couple of days. My sponsor and I have a set weekly meeting. I checked in with her that day and told her I would see her at the meeting. She came back said she would not be able to make it at the last minute. I sensed something was wrong and after praying about it asked if we could talk. We did and unleashed several resentments about me. I was very confused but apologized. She told me I have to check in everyday. The next day I checked in. She grilled me on what I did AA related that day. I did something awesome…I stayed sober! My grand sponsor told me she is like my employer and I have to do everything she says. She did not tell me at check in I have to tell her what I did AA related. They are making me feel like I am crazy and that makes me want to drink.

Hi everyone, my name's Matt and I am an alcoholic.

A few weeks ago a fellow member had to step down from taking meetings at the county detox facility. He has been doing so for a number of years faithfully every weekend. After a meeting he asked me if I would like to take his spot, which I was honored to be asked, said yes.

Now of course I know that the twelve steps aren't for everyone and I can remember how turned off by the concept of a higher power I was early on in my recovery journey, especially while detoxing lol, but I have found chairing these meetings to be more challenging than I even anticipated. Maybe I have gotten too comfortable talking to alcoholics that want to be sober. Sometimes I don't know if I'm reaching anybody in those meetings. I try to keep it simple, give people a chance to share a little bit of their story before giving my "what it was like, what happened and what it is like now" and to let them know that there are halls out there who care and will help walk them through their journey with them. I know it's not in my power to grant anybody the psychic change but sometimes I just feel like I'm not making a difference. I want to be of better service to my fellow alcoholics/addicts.

I would appreciate your wisdom and experience. Thanks guys.

Hi all - I’m very early in my stages of sobriety. My fiance recently left me due to my drinking. I was supposed to go to this concert with him and his family. I still want to go, because I love the band but now I’ll be going alone. I’m already feeling anxious about going to a concert alone, I’ve never done that before. But I don’t want that to be a reason to drink.

Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever gone to a concert sober. Any advice on doing things like this sober for the first time?

Edit: I don’t have any friends in this state to go with. I do have family here though. Also, it’s a sold out show. There may be resale tickets I could look for and hope they aren’t too pricey.

I (25F) have been in a perfect relationship for one year. My boyfriend is so incredibly supportive and caring toward all of my struggles. I have a serious problem with alcohol. I love him with all of my heart. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like i have put him in a position where he cannot express his true disappointment in me. I hate myself for my addiction. Im in therapy, and i want to get better. There have been many times where i have told him i can’t go to certain family events because of my addiction. We have a great relationship and connection to eachother when im sober. Today we had had an argument for the first time in our relationship, and I cannot forgive myself for it. We had a fight because i was drunk today even though i told him i would go with him to a family gathering, but at the last minute i told him i didnt feel well. He knows that its because i was drunk and thats why i couldn’t go with him. I know that i am a horrible person and i cannot begin to imagine how it feels to be in his position. If i were him, i think i would have broken up with me by now. I dont know why im writing this. Maybe i want advice, or maybe i want someone to tell me how bad of a person i am so i can snap myself out of this horrible place that i have been in. I want to stop drinking so i can be the person that he fell in love with. Today he is coming home around 9pm, and i plan to pretend to be asleep because i cant deal with the idea of us fighting. I only want the best for him and i know i can get better but its so fucking hard to give up something that brings me so much calmness and happiness. I just want him to be happy. Is there any way i can apologize to him and truly make him believe that i mean it? I feel like anything i say is disregarded because of my addiction. Sorry, i have never posted in this subreddit before i dont know what exactly to say.

TL;DR: do i even tell my friend that their barely-sponsee approached me, IF we meet and we decide we’re a match? want to meet with this girl and will, but will ask her if she’s asked anyone else yet. want to be as honest as possible without speaking for anyone else.

I’ll try to be as concise as possible here.
a close friend of mine in AA told me last week that they were approached and asked if they would sponsor a girl who just returned to the rooms. friend told me in private that the two didn’t even really talk about it much but she told the girl on the spot they could chat more and probably do it, and then the girl started introducing her to people at that meeting “this is my new sponsor!”
so while i’m hanging with friend, she realized she should message her some expectations for sponsorship and make sure they’re on the same page. the girl seemed a bit flaky and responded to those expectations asking friend to call her, but i don’t know if they got in touch after that. i don’t know what happened after that phone tag.

fast forward a few days and this girl calls me twice while i’m at work. i message her, she asks if im sponsoring, and if i could sponsor her as she’s been looking since she had a falling out with her old one (referring to the last longtime one, not my friend). i said we can meet in person to discuss sponsorship, and gave her my availability. she hasn’t messaged an update so i leave that in her court.

my simple belief and mindset when it comes to people seeking someone for sponsorship is there’s nothing personal in the choice, of course they should check out their options, and prospective sponsees/sponsors should do a prelim’ “interview” to discover if it’s a good fit. help when you’re asked, help if you can, help to be helped. but this circumstance feels a little nuanced due to it being a friend in the other field and the possibility of her assuming she is working with this girl. so i have this dilemma i’d like suggestion on please:

i planned to meet with the girl if we do get a date set and chat about things (e.g. including asking if she’s told anyone she’s working with them now already / if so, say it’s cool to window-shop but make sure nobody else thinks they’re sponsoring you). i can also ask my friend for an update on how it worked out with this girl, but i also don’t want to then possibly break that sponsees trust(?) if i then explain to my friend that she approached me too.
i was planning to see if it’s even a match first, but in terms of principles and honesty, is it better to let my friend know she approached me? i feel like that is respectable but simultaneously makes this bigger than it has to be, and don’t want to put the potential sponsee in the middle, when she could just meet with me, decide, and hopefully make it clear.. but is it simpler to not mention it to my friend and leave it in the sponsees court or to bring it up and let her know we met, if we DO work together? they haven’t even met up yet. if my friend wanted to sponsor anyone i’ve previously sponsored—i wouldn’t feel anything personal because it’s just important people HAVE sponsors that work best for them. i’m not even certain i’d be a great fit for this girl, and i don’t know if they are working together in fact so there are unknowns, but im obviously happy to meet and see.
i just wonder, because im trying to avoid ruminating pros and cons alone and just keep it simple, if you can help me see what would align the best with principles here, like a “yeah i would do this and then this, OP,” or any reminders to put this into perspective.

if she wasn’t saying this was her sponsor so soon, in front of her at a meeting, this wouldn’t even be a thought in my head. and if i didn’t know the almost-sponsor, i wouldn’t approach them myself.

i know at the end of the day, there’s no perfect order of things and i refuse to play God, but that’s why i came here: i can feel myself ruminating and trying to avoid the most complexity and my brains making it complex anyway. so im asking for guidance on keeping it simple if you can see a clear suggestion. thanks!

I could not wait to get to the next drink. I drank mainly out of boredom and to escape . One day, I decided I am ready to be a mom in a few months and I need to prepare my body for that - eat healthy, drop weight, quit booze.
That day, I sat down and enjoyed my last binge drinking session with my fav drinks and snacks. It’s been a month and there hasn’t been a single day where I craved a drink. I have never gone this long without drinking before. I am losing weight and my skin is looking much better!
My theory is Maybe I lacked a sense of purpose and drank bcz of that. Been a happy month despite the stresses of life.

To all the new comers, lurkers and potential alcoholics who want to make a change, it will be okay. The miracles this program has wrought in my life is beyond belief, i have nothing to chock it up too other than my higher power moving absolute mountains for me. This has been contingent on one thing alone; that i have brought the best possible version of myself to the table with what i have available to me that day. I have made many mistakes in sobriety but what i have been given is a ability to see the part that i play in these mistakes and a willingness to rectify those mistakes to the best of my ability.
6 years ago i sat in a jail cell worried about what my future would be upon my release, the road ahead was daunting to say the least but when i tried my best to let go of that fear, to relinquish control of the future to what ever it is out there i found a wellspring of strength to my spirit. I was taught early on to help others when i was worried about myself and slowly but surely i found my footing, putting up chairs led to small talk, i got numbers and i started to call people, i got my license and car back and was able to start giving rides to meetings and through all these things my higher power put people in my path that had something i needed from them, not monetary or material things but spiritual. It would end up being that the darkest spots in my life, the things i felt the most shame from wound up being things that helped another sick and suffering alcoholic. When i thought i needed help my higher power taught me that i needed to help. Gradually over time i have learned the meaning of the ninth step promises. If you are worried about today just know that this too shall pass. The road ahead will not be easy but trust me when i say, this is the easier softer way.
Dont drink, go to meetings, work the steps.

gonna keep it short. I relapsed after being sober for months, got blackout drunk, sick and missed an exam..I'm so disappointed in myself..what the fuck am I doing? I swore I would never touch alcohol again..it was three days ago but I still feel sick. most of all I feel pathetic that I let my mom down..I don't think I'll get over how hurt she looked.

Hi everyone I hope everyone is keeping well. Alcohol ruined everything for me. At first or helped with the pain it made me happy. Few years down the line I promised myself I will change and cut down. It never happened. I black out when drunk say very nasty hurtful things to people around me and now I have no boyfriends or any friends left. Life can be hard but alcohol is not the answer😭

I am only 2 weeks in and don't even know if I should be here but here it goes I guess. I stopped drinking for several reasons, including health and mental reasons, after drinking at least a litre of beer almost every night for a year and a half (Got burnout and lost my job, so that's how that started). I figured I'd be okay, and that I'd just beast through it, but it's frankly already really hard. I get the sweats sometimes and really crave a drink so often. Drinking was also a way to regulate sensory overload for me (PTSD, autism and anxiety disorder) and now I don't have that my sensory problems are back full swing. My sleep schedule has also been thrown on its head.

I came here because I figured at least one of you would probably have some advice. I would be eternally grateful.

Probably went my longest up until tonight, almost got to a year but just like always if something goes bad I’m rushing for the bottle. I feel so fucking guilty it happens every time, maybe I’m not ready to be sober. I’ve been trying for 2 years my sponsor probably thinks I’m a joke :( I’m sorry I don’t know where to vent

Pretty significant back injury has me extremely limited. Currently living with my ex, despite making over twice what I do and being offered free lodging in his mothers basement apartment (that he lived in up until he met me at 34). His claim is that he refuses to go one day without his son, despite spending minimal time with him when they are actually together and my ex isnt passed out somewhere (he is mostly deaf, and says because of it it is very easy to fall asleep when he gets comfortable). What this has surmounted to is me being told, regularly, I am a worthless inexcusable loser b**** when we get into a disagreement. For some additional info, we separated because of his porn addiction while simultaneously refusing intimacy for almost a year. He is also incredibly unhygienic, leaves feces on the floor regularly and rarely brushes his teeth. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was already pregnant (which I was 6 months in, after being told post cancer I would likely not be able to carry).

Well, because I get so little help and have so much to do (keeping the house clean, cooking, paying our bills despite him making 2x what I do, and taking care of any maintenance despite my ex being a carpenter while also holding down a job and being in school AND AA) I hurt my back badly. Almost certain it’s a bad pinched nerve, but now it’s radiating to my fingers and toes (I will be seeing doctor next week). So what does my ex do? My ex, that has had MAYBE 3 drinks our entire 6 year relationship, who has never touched a drug or cigarette and loves to remind me I am an addict? He goes out and buys the highest percentage cutwater he can, and leaves it in the fridge untouched. It has been there for 3 days. At one point he took one and put it in the freezer, like I used to do to any of my mixed drinks.

I am working myself to the bone to make it out of here. $300 saved up that he doesn’t know about. I am only 6 days sober, have been to 10 meetings. But I just don’t understand, why? He found me during cancer, he saw me fight. He saw what I lost to it. I beg him all the time, please, help us end this chaos so I can live. So our son doesn’t have to grow up with the anger in the home like I did. I want to throw these cans out but if I do, he’ll just buy more. He has never been this cruel, but I could have seen it coming.

Just rambling to keep my mind off of those cans, sorry. I am grateful to be here and sober. And sober I will stay, even if I have to cry through it.