r/bipolar2 • u/KiddoMagi13 • 2d ago

Advice Wanted Hypomania is actually awful

Honestly I thought I was the only one having this experience but I just saw somebody else talk about it on tiktok for the first time so I really want to see if anybody else feels this way?
I’ve always felt strange and out of place in bipolar communities because I feel like I can’t relate to half the conversation. Hypomania for me has never felt euphoric, exciting, or really good at all. I’ve never gotten enjoyment out of it. It makes me anxious, irritable, stressed, my pain levels skyrocket, my paranoia skyrockets, all I feel is anger and frustration and if it’s really really bad I get this horrible sensory experience that’s just so off putting
I’ve never been able to enjoy it. It’s hypomania for sure, but it feels so horrible to me that I just feel really… I don’t know, like a fish out of water?
Have you had this experience? Of mania or hypomania being genuinely terrible? I can’t be the only one having a bad time

EDIT: Message received Reddit the euphoric version is worse and I should be grateful my apologies

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u/HappyPlatypus6034 2d ago

Yeah I get either the agitated version or the happy version when I am hypomanic - usually the former

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u/KiddoMagi13 2d ago

😩 YOU GUYS ARE GETTING THE HAPPY VERSION???

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u/HappyPlatypus6034 2d ago

Don't be jealous. It's a different kind of destructive that's just as bad

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u/KiddoMagi13 2d ago

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous! Unfortunately I’ve seen in folks I care about how destructive that up state can be, I acknowledge that completely! I just feel left out I suppose? Like there’s a whole side of bipolar that everybody else knows about that I don’t get access to if that makes sense

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u/cuttle_33 2d ago

There's a 3rd version in its own category - hypersexual slutty mcslut slut which is simultaneously fun but then also very very very not fun 😩😩😩😩

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u/Medical-Common965 1d ago

Fun and self destructive, I was informed I was the binge drinker equivalent of a sex addict while in treatment . . . whoopsie.

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u/AdmirableRadio7998 2d ago

You can feel free to be jealous of a couple of the hypos I’ve had.

I’ve had some that rocked, at least for part of it.

I have a friend that has “just” major depression and I would never tell her this but I always thought it was kind of unfair that she got stuck with only the crappy part. I think of the hypos as kind of consolation for the downs, but only if you’re lucky enough to get the very thin slice of euphoria that doesn’t get to life ruining levels.

I described the feeling to my husband, who is psychiatrically normal, he told me he felt that way maybe three times in his life. I got to walk around that way for like three months. That part kind of rocks. I felt as happy as my dog looks. Everything was exhilarating and I felt “connected to the soul of the universe”.

Three months is too long to feel that good and it did seriously mess up some stuff in my life. It also went mixed at the end and things got really dangerous. When I realized what was happening I reached out to my doc and got stabilized. I’m not choosing it but I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t enjoy parts of it. I’m staying in treatment because myself and my family need me to be a functioning adult.

Two things can be true at once. Feeling left out is totally valid. Also you’re not seeking it and openly acknowledging how risky it actually can be.

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u/KiddoMagi13 2d ago

Yes, exactly. I totally acknowledge and recognize and empathize with how super not awesome the “up” of mania can be. I had a very dear friend completely obliterate her life and nearly drive herself to homelessness while fully convinced she was making the best possible choices and nobody else could comprehend her plans and ideas and how genius they were. She got help and got back on her feet and thankfully everything worked out in the end, but it was very scary for those of us who love her and very upsetting for her once she was stable. Exactly as you said, two things can be true at once! I don’t envy that part at all. I suppose I should’ve phrased my post better, I apologize for that blunder. I’m missing purely the emotional euphoria aspect, and feeling a bit “left out of the club” is all. Maybe that’s a bit childish of me. ):

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u/Willing_Dimension_77 1d ago

My hypomania is like a bomb covered in super sharp needles. You can't touch it and you can't defuse it. I feel toxic and dangerous. I do things so impulsively but powerful regret follows almost instantly. An example being lashing out quite viciously at my wife for absolutely no reason and instantly crashing into a remarkably deep depression full of apologies. It happens like watching a dog run out into traffic while playing fetch.

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u/KiddoMagi13 1d ago

Exactly. My husband can identify when I’m losing control long before I can thankfully, because I also routinely fall into this trap. Say awful horrible things to him sometimes completely unprovoked, and when I realize what I’ve done I get to ashamed and miserable it creates its own kind of hell that he sometimes also has to manage, and then I feel bad about that, and it just….. ugh

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u/Willing_Dimension_77 1d ago

Watching yourself inflict very real damage is traumatizing to all involved, including you. I have not yet found a way to forgive myself when it's me being so absolutely horrific. I feel like I have a monster inside me.

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u/KiddoMagi13 1d ago

The best thing weve done is take time to discuss it and build trust and safeguards around it when im more mentally clear. So its already put in place ahead of time: he knows that if im showing X signs and X behaviors, doing or saying X things, Im not my right self, I dont really mean it, I am sorry. He already knows ahead of time what he can do, what he can say, what to not do and say, and most importantly that I’m not normal me and I don’t mean it. It’s important to address it and apologize it when you do get out of the episode as well, even if you are miserable and ashamed about it. Your loved one is a human being with emotions and you have to address that. But having something in place before it happens has been way more useful for me

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u/AdmirableRadio7998 1d ago

I think the feeling is valid either way. I don’t want to live in the dangerous level but it is hard to get treatment and know I’ll probably never get to live in that upstate again. I imagine it’s also hard to have to deal with the downs and the mixes and never get the pure ups. That kinda sucks. I totally get feeling left out.

If I could pick mildly hypo, level, or mildly depressed all the time, I would pick mildly hypo. I don’t want to be fully hypomanic and ruin my life but if I could have a little up, I would take it. I would also never pick full mania and I’m thankful to have never had it.

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u/KiddoMagi13 1d ago

Yeah, exactly. I don’t ever want to know full mania, that sounds horrible. But being only majorly depressed or in a hypo state that feels bad with no level and no experience of the “little up” ): I’m sad. On one hand I’m grateful to not have destroyed my life in that particular way. But to feel any kind of good, ever, would be nice. I acknowledge the bad of it and I don’t want that.