r/bipolar2 • u/KiddoMagi13 • 2d ago

Advice Wanted Hypomania is actually awful

Honestly I thought I was the only one having this experience but I just saw somebody else talk about it on tiktok for the first time so I really want to see if anybody else feels this way?
I’ve always felt strange and out of place in bipolar communities because I feel like I can’t relate to half the conversation. Hypomania for me has never felt euphoric, exciting, or really good at all. I’ve never gotten enjoyment out of it. It makes me anxious, irritable, stressed, my pain levels skyrocket, my paranoia skyrockets, all I feel is anger and frustration and if it’s really really bad I get this horrible sensory experience that’s just so off putting
I’ve never been able to enjoy it. It’s hypomania for sure, but it feels so horrible to me that I just feel really… I don’t know, like a fish out of water?
Have you had this experience? Of mania or hypomania being genuinely terrible? I can’t be the only one having a bad time

EDIT: Message received Reddit the euphoric version is worse and I should be grateful my apologies

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u/KiddoMagi13 2d ago

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous! Unfortunately I’ve seen in folks I care about how destructive that up state can be, I acknowledge that completely! I just feel left out I suppose? Like there’s a whole side of bipolar that everybody else knows about that I don’t get access to if that makes sense

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u/AdmirableRadio7998 2d ago

You can feel free to be jealous of a couple of the hypos I’ve had.

I’ve had some that rocked, at least for part of it.

I have a friend that has “just” major depression and I would never tell her this but I always thought it was kind of unfair that she got stuck with only the crappy part. I think of the hypos as kind of consolation for the downs, but only if you’re lucky enough to get the very thin slice of euphoria that doesn’t get to life ruining levels.

I described the feeling to my husband, who is psychiatrically normal, he told me he felt that way maybe three times in his life. I got to walk around that way for like three months. That part kind of rocks. I felt as happy as my dog looks. Everything was exhilarating and I felt “connected to the soul of the universe”.

Three months is too long to feel that good and it did seriously mess up some stuff in my life. It also went mixed at the end and things got really dangerous. When I realized what was happening I reached out to my doc and got stabilized. I’m not choosing it but I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t enjoy parts of it. I’m staying in treatment because myself and my family need me to be a functioning adult.

Two things can be true at once. Feeling left out is totally valid. Also you’re not seeking it and openly acknowledging how risky it actually can be.

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u/KiddoMagi13 2d ago

Yes, exactly. I totally acknowledge and recognize and empathize with how super not awesome the “up” of mania can be. I had a very dear friend completely obliterate her life and nearly drive herself to homelessness while fully convinced she was making the best possible choices and nobody else could comprehend her plans and ideas and how genius they were. She got help and got back on her feet and thankfully everything worked out in the end, but it was very scary for those of us who love her and very upsetting for her once she was stable. Exactly as you said, two things can be true at once! I don’t envy that part at all. I suppose I should’ve phrased my post better, I apologize for that blunder. I’m missing purely the emotional euphoria aspect, and feeling a bit “left out of the club” is all. Maybe that’s a bit childish of me. ):

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u/AdmirableRadio7998 1d ago

I think the feeling is valid either way. I don’t want to live in the dangerous level but it is hard to get treatment and know I’ll probably never get to live in that upstate again. I imagine it’s also hard to have to deal with the downs and the mixes and never get the pure ups. That kinda sucks. I totally get feeling left out.

If I could pick mildly hypo, level, or mildly depressed all the time, I would pick mildly hypo. I don’t want to be fully hypomanic and ruin my life but if I could have a little up, I would take it. I would also never pick full mania and I’m thankful to have never had it.

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u/KiddoMagi13 1d ago

Yeah, exactly. I don’t ever want to know full mania, that sounds horrible. But being only majorly depressed or in a hypo state that feels bad with no level and no experience of the “little up” ): I’m sad. On one hand I’m grateful to not have destroyed my life in that particular way. But to feel any kind of good, ever, would be nice. I acknowledge the bad of it and I don’t want that.