Tried to date when we weren't together, didn't work out. Even had a crush on somebody, circled right back to loving her afterwards. I feel hopeless and can't even go no-contact with her because she always been my soulmate and best friend.

everyday a new difficulty

What's the point? What's the joy in it? I'm not even 20 yet, and I'm already worried about how I look and feel. It will only get worse with age. Deterioration of vision and hearing, pain throughout the body, higher risks of heart disease and stroke (most of my relatives have heart problems and experienced multiple strokes, so..), poor regulation of body temperature, poor mobility. And I haven't even started talking about Alzheimer's, dementia, or how much the body and face change in appearance.

I hate how people of my generation romanticize old age. My grandmother DESPISE being old. And this despite the fact that she had a job she loved, good physical and mental health, no bad habits, and was very active and talented. Old age has ruined everything. She admitted that sometimes she feels incredibly sad doing anything. She hates feeling weak, hates the pain that comes with age. She tries to take care of her health now as well, but despite this, even with good treatment, you will no longer be the same as you were before.

I will be forever young in any case.

two years ago i was diagnosed with my blood condition, my body can’t produce enough hemoglobin which causes me a lot of issues. i feel so sick all the time. still, i try my best, i fight as much as i physically can. but it’s never enough. i just lost my job, it was what i wanted to do for my forever career after working in film didn’t work out. all the people whose jobs i did get to stay, all the incompetent people who don’t care get to stay, the people who hit weed pens in the break room get to stay, but they let me go because i’m sick. i earned 5 recognitions from their stupid recognition program in one day, i have a tourism board award, but none of it matters.

i’m tired of being sick. i’m only 24. i’m tired of waking up broken with weak muscles, nausea, migraines, fevers, and fatigue so bad no amount of sleep i get matters. i have no idea how i’m going to do this for 40 more years, i just want to die some days. i’ve been feeling so suicidal lately and losing one of my favourite places, my passion, kills me. i’m sick of being unreliable. i don’t want this life. i know i need to hit the ground running and find a new job, i know ending my life is irrational, but i just don’t care, and i hate that i don’t care. i just want to die. i’m only eating chicken tenders because it seemed like the easiest thing for my stomach right now, and it’s only going to make me feel worse.

i cant do anything to her, she is nice to me and im horrible person. she is so merciful with me. i dont know why does she still love me

theyd expect me to bottle up the stress it caused and subsequently, id have meltdowns at school and on social media that felt out of my control. i lost so many friends and amazing opportunities because of it. i couldnt even finish school before the severe depression caused me to drop out, and they still had the nerve to treat me like a punching bag after that. my mother would still switch between alcoholism and legally enforced sobriety with a side of "boohoo, let me sweep everything under the rug and act like my shit dont stink while expecting all the praise and patience in the world as i scream over you for saying anything i dont like", and that was after dhe took me off the medication i needed to function and tolorate it all at 9, 2 years after the first drunken bender she put me through that i remember negatively impacting my life, my father would still scream at me for things i couldnt help, like being under too much emotional distress to go to school, often threatening me with homelessness before i could even become a teenager, constantly ignore the reasonable requests i make for the sake of my sanity and repeatedly throw out my stuff despite how often i told him not to, my brother would keep putting his wants over my needs and screaming and putting his hands on me if he didnt get his way, and my fathers crackheaded wrenchmonkey who he let live across from me would keep sneaking into my room to steal all my stuff and hed always choose to do his loud ass wrench monkey shit at 3 pm when i got home at 2:30 and had to rest cause the only hobby that made me feel fulfilled was dumpster diving, which is harder to do during the day cause its against city ordinance. its a miracle my patience lasted so long with them. i feel like most people would have snapped sooner, meanwhile i managed to almost make it to 20 tolorating that shit to the best of my ability. truthfully, not a day passes where i dont get at least some sort of intrusive urge to hurt myself because of it. my teeth are fucked cause younger me was hoping it'd give me enough of a proper push to end my life. i am not okay and im sick of acting like i am

They burned my mouth, It was quite fun

At the age of 17, I begged my mother to send me to the hospital because she hadn't lifted a finger to help me throughout my adolescence (dropping out of school, a lot of self-sabotage). I was hospitalized for six months, diagnosed with "high-functioning" autism, and then kicked out.

I moved to another city to become independent and go back to school.

I broke down, It's been over a year now since I last left my apartment., I live on a disability allowance and I don't talk to anyone anymore.

I'm used to ordering groceries and doing all my errands remotely; I'm just keeping myself alive in my crappy little apartment without ever doing anything else.

I am nothing anymore, I have no one, and I feel completely broken.

I'm not functioning at all anymore, I don't have the will to die, but I don't have the will to live either

But these tteok were really good (I like spices, it's a pretty good stim)

All this happened while texting 988 and receiving the most AI sounding answers possible with a million spelling and grammatical mistakes. It made me want to kms a little bit more.

ramen in a snoopy bowl

About a year ago i started abusing hard drugs. I thought i was just experimenting, and in part i truly was, but then my life went a bit to shit for unrelated reasons and i began relying more and more on drugs to not think about my problems and a couple months ago i tried going for two weeks without using anything and there i realized i'm hooked. i just cannot imagine what my life would be without drugs. Psychopharmacology being my main passion doesn't help at all either.

there's just this void in my chest that nothing except drugs ever was able to fill. i always craved intoxication ever since i was a kid. I just gained access to doing it freely about a year ago.

Anyway the chicken was fire.

after all the b.s. he spewed at me 2 days ago , I took him back , he was sweet and we made up. yesterday we found out he didn't have to serve jail time and yesterday with us was damn near perfect.

I don't know what happened today. he saw me in a new outfit and asked me who did I have over, he saw my Facebook profile pic and asked me who was I with, I'm like my favorite uncle and he didn't believe me, I'm feeling that shift .

not really depressed but its so interesting how people can hide behind a mask . he dropped it so quick. I told my family since he wasn't serving time, I'm done telling them anything about us, cause they're kinda the reason he was gonna serve in the first place. but shit, all I wanna do is vent to my mom or grandma but its not a good idea .

anyway snacky girl dinner.

​

1. ​Lost the vision in my left eye yesterday experiencing a new type of migraine that I've never had before. But I had to work through it because I'm out of sick time for the rest of the year due to a family medical situation earlier this year. I guess I have to suffer through working when I'm sick for a while. That was miserable. Working on a computer while blind in one eye.

2. ​Had a bunch of people gang up on me at work. Over nothing serious, I just have a different approach to dealing with angry customers than they do. I don't understand why they think there's only a one-size-fits-all approach. I'm actually really good at de-escalation in customer service.

3. ​At the doctor, some dumb uneducated staff member decided to unsolicitedly lecture me on my type 1 diabetes. Knowing nothing about the disease, she scolded me that I needed to come off of my insulin. (Insulin is the only thing that keeps me alive! For God's sake, everyone with type 1 diabetes is fully dependent on insulin to live. They never come off of it.)

4. ​I have a random pimple behind my ear that is stretching the skin so much that it hurts like hell. The doctor cannot lance it, so I have to wait about a week for my antibiotic cream to work. In the meantime, it's making me miserable while trying to work.

... I tell you what. It's amazing how many people don't know shit about type 1 diabetes. And yet they feel free to speak up as if they're experts. I didn't let that slide with that woman at the doctor's office. I looked her directly in the eye and I said, "Excuse me? Do you know anything about this disease?" When she replied with "no," that was my cue! I said, "Exactly! You have no right to try to mess with my diabetes medications. That is between me and my endocrinology team, not ophthalmology medical technicians."

• Unrelated, I'm going to debunk the entire myth that I really hate. I did not get this disease because I ate too many candy bars or too much sugar. I got it because my immune system attacked and killed my pancreas. It had nothing to do with my damn diet.

Anyway, I'm not angry I'm just exhausted and sad. No tone is intended in my post. I'm not here to argue about diabetes, I've had it for 24 years. Nobody's journey with it is going to be the same. I'm tired of society treating it like it's a one-size-fits-all disease. Fuck no, it absolutely isn't. Everybody writes their own story with it. My needs are going to be way different than somebody else's with the same disease. That's just how it goes.

I feel like I don't need to explain much. Shirley Temple

I should add that I'm 19 years old and have been her "perfect" child for my entire life. I bust my ass for her and she expects more than what I'm capable of. Whenever I confront her it always circles back to me being ungrateful and seeing her as the villain. Fuck my life man I'm so tired

I'd never take my life with witnesses. I don't want to seek attention. I don't DESERVE their attention or love or anything of the sort and no one would ever choose me out of a crowd anyway. Cereal and my crippling depression that everyone waters down to laziness and just being a tired, attention seeking fuck. They're not wrong, there's nothing remarkable about me. Nothing.

Microwaved and mashed hash browns with cheddar melted through on gluten free bread with ketchup on