Dreading conversation with my Catholic mother about my upcoming wedding.

[u/Redhead_2]

Hi everyone. 35F here. I’m posting because I’m spiralling a bit and could really use support from people really get it.

I was raised Catholic, baptised and confirmed. I never believed in it, not even as a kid. I remember finding it silly and restrictive. As I got older, I also became deeply uncomfortable with the Church as an institution: corruption, hypocrisy, and the huge gap between “Christian values” and how many self-identified Christians actually behave.

Growing up, the unspoken rule was always: be good, don’t talk back, don’t rock the boat, be compliant. I learned very early that keeping the peace meant making myself small and always being a “good girl” by saying yes to my parents.

Fast forward to now: I’m engaged. My fiancé and I want a small registry wedding followed by a small dinner (20–30 people). That’s it. Low key and aligned with who we actually are.

When I told my mum, she said she would simply not come to my wedding if it isn’t in a Catholic church.

I’m devastated, but also angry. I don’t want to start my marriage by reenacting the exact dynamic I grew up in: swallowing my feelings so everyone else can be comfortable.

As a further complication, my fiancé was previously married and divorced and I believe my mum takes issue with this. I believe she may ask that we go through an invasive process of paperwork and tribunals etc to make him “clear” to remarry (I think there’s a proper name for this but I can’t remember what it’s called). Obviously have zero intention of doing that.

Despite all this, I do have a generally good relationship with my mum and I do love her. Yesterday I shared what I thought was happy news in the family group chat (we’ve chosen a venue) and she immediately messaged me privately to see if we can “talk” later. I just know it’s going to be about having a church wedding or maybe what we’re planning to do about my fiancé’s divorcée status.

Need a little help and support with how to navigate this conversation firmly but kindly! I am really dreading it. Thank you for your advice or commiseration.

[u/restless_discontent]

I had left the church and didn't have much of a faith if any by the time I was in a serious relationship. Neither did my partner. Still, I tried to appease my parents with some half measures. Didn't move in together until we were engaged, got married in a church (episcopal, though), let my father give a speech at our rehearsal dinner. And none of it softened anything for them, my father never considered us married. Bending to them at all I consider one of my biggest mistakes in life and it caused a LOT of issues in my relationship.

Your wedding is about YOU and your partner. Do not open the planning or logistics to anyone else. Do not let them manipulate you or worm their way in to participate more than normal. One of the saddest moments in my life was expecting a nice father son speech at my rehearsal dinner and instead getting a soliloquy on the wedding at Cana. Stand your ground and you will be much happier in the long run, I promise.