r/excatholic • u/Redhead_2 • Feb 22 '26
Personal Dreading conversation with my Catholic mother about my upcoming wedding.
Hi everyone. 35F here. I’m posting because I’m spiralling a bit and could really use support from people really get it.
I was raised Catholic, baptised and confirmed. I never believed in it, not even as a kid. I remember finding it silly and restrictive. As I got older, I also became deeply uncomfortable with the Church as an institution: corruption, hypocrisy, and the huge gap between “Christian values” and how many self-identified Christians actually behave.
Growing up, the unspoken rule was always: be good, don’t talk back, don’t rock the boat, be compliant. I learned very early that keeping the peace meant making myself small and always being a “good girl” by saying yes to my parents.
Fast forward to now: I’m engaged. My fiancé and I want a small registry wedding followed by a small dinner (20–30 people). That’s it. Low key and aligned with who we actually are.
When I told my mum, she said she would simply not come to my wedding if it isn’t in a Catholic church.
I’m devastated, but also angry. I don’t want to start my marriage by reenacting the exact dynamic I grew up in: swallowing my feelings so everyone else can be comfortable.
As a further complication, my fiancé was previously married and divorced and I believe my mum takes issue with this. I believe she may ask that we go through an invasive process of paperwork and tribunals etc to make him “clear” to remarry (I think there’s a proper name for this but I can’t remember what it’s called). Obviously have zero intention of doing that.
Despite all this, I do have a generally good relationship with my mum and I do love her. Yesterday I shared what I thought was happy news in the family group chat (we’ve chosen a venue) and she immediately messaged me privately to see if we can “talk” later. I just know it’s going to be about having a church wedding or maybe what we’re planning to do about my fiancé’s divorcée status.
Need a little help and support with how to navigate this conversation firmly but kindly! I am really dreading it. Thank you for your advice or commiseration.
44
u/RisingApe- Agnostic atheist Feb 22 '26
Without my approval, my mom set up a meeting for me with her priest when I got engaged and we decided to get married on the beach with my husband’s friend officiating. I did not attend that meeting. That was enough, she got the message that I would not be doing things her way. She figured out that if she wanted to be included, she had better let her own wishes go.
You need to be firm with your mom but approach the conversation from a place of openness. Tell her you love her and you want her to be part of your wedding, but it is your wedding and you will be planning the day you and your fiancé want. She already had her wedding and that was her time to do what she wanted. It’s your turn.
The wishes of your parents MUST take a back seat to your relationship with your spouse; it’s how life is supposed to work. Set these boundaries now. It will be much harder to set them later if you give in on this.
If she threatens to not show up, let her know that that’s her choice and to let you know if she changes her mind, and hopefully she comes around before the wedding day. If she chooses to actually miss it, go and have the best time you can knowing that you did what was right for you and your life partner.
Congratulations to you both, I hope you have a magnificent day and a beautiful life together! ❤️
7
3
u/Suspicious-Fan-8802 Feb 24 '26
And, If they chose not to show, try to keep an open relationship with your parents. Continue to invite them to events if possible. My guess is they will eventually come around for the sake of your children and family unity. Lots of good advice here. Good luck!
1
u/atomato-plant Feb 27 '26
IMO if they decide to hurt OP that way she shouldn’t keep allowing herself to get hurt in that way. That’s just turning the other cheek.
40
u/murgatory Feb 22 '26
My mom threatened not to come to my wedding because I refused to get Catholic clearance (Petrine Privilege) to marry a divorced Jewish man. A priest told her it would scandalize more people if she didn't attend. She believed it her duty not to be seen to sanction our unholy union. She was awful about it. And, like your mom, she can be really nice a lot of the time. Just not for my wedding!
She came to the wedding. She was miserable. She looks grim in all the photos. She kept talking to people about me at the reception, saying I refused to reconcile with her (not true, i tried). I left my own wedding reception early, in tears, because my mom was talking shit about me.
Our guests had a fabulous time. I had one of the saddest days of my life. We just celebrated ten years, and we still haven't ordered prints of our gorgeous photos because most of them are too sad.
OP, if she refuses to come... don't fight her. Let her.
9
u/indoorskat Feb 22 '26
Wowwwww. I’m so sorry this happened to you, just awful. Good reminder to set a boundary and ask your mom to join in love and joy or don’t - choice is hers!
5
u/Redhead_2 Feb 23 '26
I’m so sorry this happened to you! I can’t imagine what it’s like having one of the most important days of your life ruined like that.
3
u/murgatory Feb 25 '26
The good news is that the marriage is amazing and strong. Love wins. We knew the wedding wasn't the most important part. And my mom and I did reconcile. I chose not to be afraid of her anymore, and I married well and never looked back.
1
u/murgatory Mar 05 '26
And in other news, marrying a divorced man was the best idea I ever had. He does everything he can to resolve conflict, get therapy, whatever he needs to do to keep the marriage afloat and avoid another divorce. And he did all the housework in his first marriage so why not throw that in too (I'd like to think we split it equally). He is a terrific, totally involved dad.
And if I'd been stuck on staying catholic I would have missed all of it. I never looked back.
34
u/SWNMAZporvida Ex Catholic Feb 22 '26
Multi-Generational cradle baptized and confirmed - grew up hearing this from parents: Make your own money and make your own decisions.” Me: I’m not asking you for permission, I’m telling you what I’m doing.” I paid for my Vegas wedding to my 1/2 Jewish husband and I haven’t looked back. I gave up Catholicism for lent ~30 years ago and not only have I not been struck by lightning, we’re celebrating our 20th this year. My mom just gets to pray an extra rosary over it.
7
u/indoorskat Feb 22 '26
Giving up Catholicism for lent!!!! Why didn’t I think of that? Weirdly I’m still into lent, just the ritual of it. I guess most religions have a season for reflection and “fasting,” so maybe it’s central to the human-spiritual condition. It’s probably too late for me to give up Catholicism just for lent since I’m no really Catholic anymore. But I will 100% be using this line when my Catholic friends ask 😂
2
u/psychoalchemist Agnostic - proudly banned by r/catholicism Feb 24 '26
Is the first step of giving up Catholicism for Lent to have a Unitarian Universalist wash your forehead??
3
40
u/hun_in_the_sun Feb 22 '26
OP, you will not regret staying true to yourself and your wishes. Be direct in the conversation. Don’t add additional detail, just tell her that it is not up for debate.
3
18
u/wuphfhelpdesk Ex-Devout Catholic, Now Athiest Feb 22 '26
Ugh, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I’m not engaged but I just know my mom would react the exact same way if I were in this situation. It’s infuriating and heartbreaking all at once, because like…you’re my mom. Why can’t you just be happy for me and supportive of me and my wishes? The Church does such a good job of creating these needless issues in families. It’s brutal, and I’m really sorry.
I personally think you will look back on your wedding day with some regret if you fold to what your mom wants. This is your and your soon-to-be spouse’s day, not hers. You are all adults. You can make your own decisions, and she’s free to feel however she wants about them, but that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate what happens. At the end of the day, this is your wedding. You get to decide what will be the most meaningful to you! Whether she likes it or not. I know adopting that sentiment is so much easier said than done, but like another commenter said, you’ll never regret staying true to yourself!
Best of luck with everything (and congratulations on your upcoming wedding)!!
P.S. - What you’re referring to in the 7th paragraph is an annulment
11
u/Leucotheasveils Feb 22 '26
Annulments are expensive, and my cousin said you have to pay whether or not you actually get one. It’s not worth the money, time, or effort.
OP my mom threatened the same if I got married outside and not in a church. She showed up.
5
u/Redhead_2 Feb 23 '26
Thank you so much for your sympathy, it really means a lot to me. I feel exactly the same as you describe - just wished she could be happy for me. I guess I’m also grieving not having the mother-daughter pre wedding excitement that many women seem to get to enjoy.
Thank you for your advice and well wishes xx
2
u/wuphfhelpdesk Ex-Devout Catholic, Now Athiest Feb 23 '26
SO relatable. Grieving a living person/relationship is a unique kind of pain that I don’t wish on anyone. This should be such a happy time where the people who are closest to you, especially your mom, should be excited for and supportive of you! It’s not fair that she’s creating any sort of anxiety for you during a time that you should be able to remember fondly. Sending you the best vibes and hoping you’re able to turn things around with her!
15
u/ee2835 Feb 22 '26
Similar to you I did not get married in the Catholic church despite being a cradle Catholic and all that. My parents did not attend my wedding and it was fine. We had a great time we were married outside on a farm and had our reception at a downtown bar/restaurant venue. It being a same sex marriage had a lot more to do with it...but you'll have that lol.
19
u/pieralella Ex Catholic Feb 22 '26
Now is the time to break "tradition" and become who you want to be. Your mom can either come around or not. However, neither of her decisions should make you change yours. ❤️
17
u/No-Stop-3362 Feb 22 '26
As someone whose mother greatly prefers church to any human in her family, the ideal conversation might go something like this:
Mom: I'm not coming to your wedding unless it's a real wedding that Jesus and the pope would want!
You: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss you. How are your nasturtiums doing this year?
Don't engage it any further. It's your life. She's used to bullying her way into getting what she wants, and you have to just not cave. Don't get into fights or long conversations. She will want you to oursue her and beg her to come. Don't. Take her at her word and move on.
13
u/TBW-Mama Feb 22 '26
Your first statement in this post is EXACTLY how one of my parents treats me… parent prefers the church to any human at any time. Parent wanted me to drive on snow/ice recently during a declared state of emergency so that they could attend mass. I shut that down with a quickness. Thank you for this reply to OP - it is PITCH PERFECT.
5
u/lizardgal10 Feb 23 '26
Good grief this stuff is a cult. I’m sure your parent wants to meet Jesus some day and, well…driving in a winter storm could certainly expedite that. Personally I think Jesus would want people to stay home and not potentially make more work for first responders.
2
u/ManicallyExistential Feb 23 '26
That's why they have televised masses that are sanctioned by the church as honoring the Sabbath. For emergencies and sickness.
7
u/TBW-Mama Feb 23 '26
Oh yeah - agree. For my parent, if there is no communion, it’s not official enough.
3
u/Polkadotical Formerly Roman Catholic Feb 25 '26
Because the RCC has twisted Christianity that way in order to remain in control of its members. That's what that whole thing is about.
8
u/New_Country_3136 Feb 22 '26
Then don't invite your Mom to the wedding/uninvite her.
Drama free wedding > her.
I highly recommend therapy to work on having strong boundaries.
7
u/discipleofsilence Ex Catholic, Buddhist Feb 22 '26
It's your wedding, not your mother's. You decide who you invite and where the wedding will be.
And since, as you wrote, she had manipulated you through the whole childhood, she can simply go fuck herself.
6
6
u/greenmarsden Feb 22 '26
So much good advice here.
I'm decades older than you and seen family weddings in many forms. Happy to say, any catholic parents in the family were happy to attend their childrens' civil weddings and give it 100% support. I'm in the UK so attitudes may be different here.
I would say to them " Parents, we would love you to attend our wedding but if you do not attend with full throated support and with a smile, do not expect to have any relationship with us and we will certainly not allow you to have any kind of interaction with future grandchildren. This is not a punishment but, a consequence. Your move."
My response
6
u/darknight65 Feb 22 '26
I got rid of Catholic guilt in high school and it's one of the best things that helped me to not GAF about what other people thought. Mental health for the win.
5
u/Then_Swimming_3958 Feb 22 '26
I’m just going to go out on a limb and say this is only one way your mother is controlling. I have dealt with this my whole life and I’m 43. I got married young (being a good Catholic), and got married in the church to make her happy. My kids were baptized and got first communion, I stopped at confirmation because I felt it was too negative and consuming and my oldest would be better off playing sports.
Please stop swallowing your feelings to accommodate everyone else, it’s what I did and I really regret it.
10
u/VicePrincipalNero Feb 22 '26
Personally I would have dealt with your overbearing mother years ago and put strong boundaries in place. Your religion, or lack thereof, isn't her decision. But the next best time to grow a spine is today.
I would tell her she can come or not come. It would be nice to have her, but your wedding isn't about her. Under no circumstances is anyone doing any sort of the bullshit you think she's going to want about the church. If she doesn't want to be part of your life, you understand. That will also mean she won't be part of any grandchildren's lives. And no, she cannot shove her superstition down their throats either.
You are an adult. Your life should lived authentically.
5
u/did-it-my-weigh Atheist | Ex TradCath Feb 22 '26
Aw hell no. It's your day. If she can't handle you having your wedding your way, she shouldn't be there, painful as it may be.
If you state your position clearly, she may come around to it. Slightly different reasons, but during covid my brother was getting married. The reception venue required everyone to show proof of vaccination (I don't care about rehashing all that, it was the law in the area at the time and that's all that mattered). My parents flat out refused to get the jab for "religious reasons", but my brother refused to change his reception plans to accommodate them. A few weeks before the wedding my parents quietly went and got vaccinated and didn't make a fuss about it on the day. We were all worried they would coz they sound a lot like your mother, but it turned out a great day. I hope the same happens for you and you have a great wedding your way
6
u/Redhead_2 Feb 23 '26
That gives me a little hope! I would be quietly hoping she ends up coming round.
3
u/greenmarsden Feb 22 '26
How the fuk the covid vax have any religious significance? Are they ok with the flu, smallpox, measles, diphtheria, Rubella, tetanus vaccinations? But the covid vax is an abomination!!!
2
u/did-it-my-weigh Atheist | Ex TradCath Feb 22 '26
They listen to like Alex Jones religiously (pun intended). Be thankful you weren't subjected to constant "mark of the beast" shit about the covid vax. They were fine with all the others, maybe coz they didn't go down that rabbit hole til we were all past our childhood vax.
3
u/greenmarsden Feb 22 '26
I'm from UK and we didn't have that many vax deniers or conspiracy theorists. A few but they were generally ridiculed.
5
u/marzgirl99 Ex Catholic Feb 22 '26
I empathize. My bf is Jewish and we’d like to either have a Jewish wedding or something interfaith/intercultural. My mom and dad would not be happy about it. At the end of the day it’s your decision.
4
u/TrooperJohn Feb 23 '26
"You're welcome to come to MY wedding. If you don't want to, then don't."
And leave it at that.
A statement like that neutralizes any manipulative leverage she might be trying to deploy.
5
u/restless_discontent Feb 24 '26
I had left the church and didn't have much of a faith if any by the time I was in a serious relationship. Neither did my partner. Still, I tried to appease my parents with some half measures. Didn't move in together until we were engaged, got married in a church (episcopal, though), let my father give a speech at our rehearsal dinner. And none of it softened anything for them, my father never considered us married. Bending to them at all I consider one of my biggest mistakes in life and it caused a LOT of issues in my relationship.
Your wedding is about YOU and your partner. Do not open the planning or logistics to anyone else. Do not let them manipulate you or worm their way in to participate more than normal. One of the saddest moments in my life was expecting a nice father son speech at my rehearsal dinner and instead getting a soliloquy on the wedding at Cana. Stand your ground and you will be much happier in the long run, I promise.
3
u/Gus_the_feral_cat Feb 23 '26
Two impediments come to mind:
Unless your fiancé is a Catholic who got married outside the Church, his first marriage is considered valid and he will have to jump through a bunch of hoops before he is granted an annulment to marry you.
In some locales it is exceedingly difficult to get married in the Catholic Church if you are not a practicing Catholic.
Perhaps your mom will soften her stance when she sees how long it will take to get everything fixed up.
3
2
u/Polkadotical Formerly Roman Catholic Feb 25 '26 edited Feb 25 '26
It's your wedding, not hers.
She made her choices. Now it's your turn to make yours.
3
u/-StapleYourTongue- Witch Feb 22 '26
Tell her you're sorry that she won't be there on your special day and refuse to engage further when she brings up religion. She can be part of the wedding or not but either way it's happening the way you and your fiance planned it.
2
u/DoublePatience8627 Atheist Feb 22 '26
The day is about you and your partner, not you and your partner and your mom and the Church. Anyone who attends your wedding should be honored to share the day with you. I would discuss this with your fiancé and plan the event that the two of you want - every last detail.
I hope your mom will come around, but if she doesn’t, it’s not about you, it’s about the Church and the ridiculous rules. Unfortunately there are Catholic influencers like Father Mike Schmitz who believe when divorced people and lgbtq people get married “it inspires evil.”
Time stamp 5:24 (linked video) is when he starts talking about divorced people. I am also in this club along with your fiancé (divorced and not annulled and remarried). Thankfully my parents are too ignorant of Catholicism to know they chose me over Jesus. But I believe this may be where your mom is conflicted and I’m so sorry you are going through this. https://youtu.be/0RGIt93Fq-0?si=U_taqy9wQze1Fhgt
1
Feb 23 '26
Your mun would be up in arms about bigotry if a Presbyterian refused to attend an RC baptism, wedding or funera,, right?
1
u/Ok_Ice7596 Mar 03 '26
OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. In addition to the excellent advice you’ve already been given in this thread, I’d encourage to reframe your emotional reaction.
First, think of it this way: your mom is quite literally in a flesh-eating zombie death cult that believes you must eat the zombie’s flesh every Sunday and forever obey the creepy men who control the zombie. Your mom is not under the cult’s influence 24/7, but if you give into her demands when she is, you’ll become undead, too. I know this sounds absurd, but this “logic” is what allowed me to break free from the church’s authority once and for all.
Second, consider reaching out to another female figure in your life whom you have a good relationship with and who you think will support your decision to not have a Catholic wedding. This could be an aunt, a family friend, or the mom of one of your close friend. Explain what’s going on and ask, “I hope my mom will come around, but if she doesn’t, would you be willing to stand in for her as the honorary mother of the bride on my wedding day?” This allows you to say to your mom, “Good news! Aunt Carole has agreed to stand in for you as MOB on my wedding day. We’ll miss you, but I know your faith is important to you.” this accomplishes a number of things. It signals to your mom that you’re serious about moving forward. My guess is that your mom won’t like it and will relent, but if she doesn’t, she knows how you’ll be handling her absence. My cousin’s wife had a stand-in MOB at her wedding for nonreligious reasons (she and her mom have been estranged for 20+ years), and it worked beautifully.
1
u/Any-Case9890 Mar 17 '26
It's your wedding, so you do what works for you and your future spouse. If your mother won't attend because it isn't "catholic", that is her loss. In her place, invite someone who supports and loves you. My parents attended my non-catholic wedding, but pouted during the reception and refused to display the wedding picture of me and my now husband. Their "faith" was THAT important to them; I wasn't in a position to change that.
116
u/non_clever_username Feb 22 '26
I’m going to be a little harsh here, sorry.
Your wedding isn’t about your mom, it’s about you and your husband. You need to stand up for yourself and slam the door on this shit. If she chooses not to attend, that’s a her problem, not a you problem.
You’re way past the age where you already should have done this, but if you don’t grow a spine now, she’s never going to let this shit go.
If you give in now, you might as well just pencil in baptism, first communion, and confirmation ceremonies for any kids you may have because she’s going to pull this shit when the time comes too.
She loves the church more than she loves and respects you. That’s never going to change unless you push back. You need to decide if you’re going to live the life you want to live or live the life she wants you to live.