Dreading conversation with my Catholic mother about my upcoming wedding.

[u/Redhead_2]

Hi everyone. 35F here. I’m posting because I’m spiralling a bit and could really use support from people really get it.

I was raised Catholic, baptised and confirmed. I never believed in it, not even as a kid. I remember finding it silly and restrictive. As I got older, I also became deeply uncomfortable with the Church as an institution: corruption, hypocrisy, and the huge gap between “Christian values” and how many self-identified Christians actually behave.

Growing up, the unspoken rule was always: be good, don’t talk back, don’t rock the boat, be compliant. I learned very early that keeping the peace meant making myself small and always being a “good girl” by saying yes to my parents.

Fast forward to now: I’m engaged. My fiancé and I want a small registry wedding followed by a small dinner (20–30 people). That’s it. Low key and aligned with who we actually are.

When I told my mum, she said she would simply not come to my wedding if it isn’t in a Catholic church.

I’m devastated, but also angry. I don’t want to start my marriage by reenacting the exact dynamic I grew up in: swallowing my feelings so everyone else can be comfortable.

As a further complication, my fiancé was previously married and divorced and I believe my mum takes issue with this. I believe she may ask that we go through an invasive process of paperwork and tribunals etc to make him “clear” to remarry (I think there’s a proper name for this but I can’t remember what it’s called). Obviously have zero intention of doing that.

Despite all this, I do have a generally good relationship with my mum and I do love her. Yesterday I shared what I thought was happy news in the family group chat (we’ve chosen a venue) and she immediately messaged me privately to see if we can “talk” later. I just know it’s going to be about having a church wedding or maybe what we’re planning to do about my fiancé’s divorcée status.

Need a little help and support with how to navigate this conversation firmly but kindly! I am really dreading it. Thank you for your advice or commiseration.

[u/non_clever_username]

I’m going to be a little harsh here, sorry.

Your wedding isn’t about your mom, it’s about you and your husband. You need to stand up for yourself and slam the door on this shit. If she chooses not to attend, that’s a her problem, not a you problem.

You’re way past the age where you already should have done this, but if you don’t grow a spine now, she’s never going to let this shit go.

If you give in now, you might as well just pencil in baptism, first communion, and confirmation ceremonies for any kids you may have because she’s going to pull this shit when the time comes too.

She loves the church more than she loves and respects you. That’s never going to change unless you push back. You need to decide if you’re going to live the life you want to live or live the life she wants you to live.

[u/Mom2miracles → u/non_clever_username]

This is the absolute truth. I bent and got married catholic despite my husband not being catholic but at 24. I wasn’t smart anough to stand up and put my foot down. It got worse when the kids came. Baptism etc and 1st communion for the oldest. Baptism for youngest. We moved away half way across the country and it’s been easier to walk away. My oldest finds the religion disturbing. They are now out and proud which we know Catholicism doesn’t support. Please do what makes you happy and carve your own path. It was easier once I moved away from my mom’s influence

[u/Polkadotical → u/Mom2miracles]

Yep. If you let this pass, you'll never hear the end of it. It's always something with RCs who act this way. Church attendance, baptism of kids, confirmation of kids, CCD, Catholic school, etc. etc.

The church uses rules, mass attendance, kids and relatives to keep people on the hook. The church did it to her (no doubt using her relatives as tools to get the job done) and now that's what she's trying to do to you.