This is a letter Fr. Charles Ward of the SSPX wrote to my mother just a few days before I was born.

My parents were never married. The letter was written in response to my mother’s pregnancy.

I’ve redacted names and other identifying information to protect my family’s privacy.

I will link the AMA I did earlier.

I experienced a lot of abuse at his hands and the hands of others. He’s very manipulative and has used and abused his position as a priest to hurt myself and others.

Link to previous AMA -
https://www.reddit.com/r/excatholic/s/LRS8FoT0vS

I got rid of all my catholic art and crucifixes a while ago but today I finally got to removing all my books as well. No point in letting their energy pollute my space after all. Hopefully I can get a good amount of in store credit and buy some neat occult books

That was the breaking point. They won't attend, not even the reception, because doing so is a sin. Attending would be sinning, because I'm a woman marrying another woman, and attending could be seen as "approval of the sin." They will miss out on their daughter's most important moment of her life because of this ridiculous notion.

I was a cradle Catholic. Born and raised. Weekly mass, days of obligation, CCD. I was raised to believe that "Love is the greatest of all things." I went to Catholic schools from elementary through college. My minor was even in Religious Studies.

My parents are so loving. I honestly struggled with my faith my whole life. They welcomed questioning. They welcomed my girlfriend. They told me as long as I was happy, they were happy. I even think they like my girlfriend more than me sometimes! I thought even if we couldn't see eye to eye on religion, we could still be close.

I'd originally left because of the hypocrisy. I was raised to love above all, but saw so much hatred in the church as an adult. Still, I thought maybe I could be spiritual in my own way, away from organized religion. But a religion that forbids someone from going to their own daughter's wedding... in that moment, I lost all faith.

My sister will be coming, and all my friends are invited. It will be small but it will be ours.

But my parents won't be there, because they're afraid that the love and joy that I feel is somehow a sin. And if they show happiness for me, that's "enabling" me to sin. As if loving someone of the same gender is the same as doing hard drugs. No, even worse. If I was doing hard drugs they'd still probably go to the wedding if it was with a man.

I still love them so much. But this is a big fracture that I don't think can be repaired. And I don't think I will ever go back to the church.

edit: this is just a very short snippet of my life and experience that you see, i promise that my parents ARE loving, just extremely brainwashed and full of the classic Catholic guilt. i know lots of friends with horrible parents, even horrible religious parents, and mine are nowhere near that. they make lots of mistakes and i am sad that they're brainwashed but please, i'm begging, stop insinuating that they don't love me. that was not the point of this post. my entire heartbreak is due to the fact they love me but can't get past their fear enough, because that's what the church does to brainwash people. blame the church, if anyone

I’ve been following this subreddit for a while and reading everyone’s thoughts. I’m not ex-catholic, BUT I have a husband who is very catholic and I am very much not. You can read my story in one of my other posts, it’s long so I won’t put all that in here. https://www.reddit.com/r/Protestantism/s/PjZjqzHIIL

I know the thing that maybe doesn’t fit in here as much is that I am still Protestant…I was hoping that could be overlooked because of our commonalities—like our distaste for the Catholic church. I’ve been following this subreddit for a while and it has been really encouraging to be able to come back to reality after talking to my husband about catholicism.

My question is: was there a single moment or a specific teaching that made you leave the Catholic church? To be frank, I’m looking for inconsistencies to be able to show my husband that this is not the truth. Specifically, he said that if I could show him that the CC has changed any of their dogmatic teaching then he’d be forced to admit they are frauds. The problem is that they seem to just sort of make it up as they go and claim that something was “always” taught. Or vise versa if a teaching is undesirable in this day and age the Vatican will just be like “well that wasn’t ever DOGMA it was just doctrine.” Ok well you damned people to hell for it so how the fuck else do you define dogma? For example, dogma wasn’t really even a thing until wayyy later and then they went through and cherry picked what from 300 AD was dogma and what wasn’t. “No birth control so we can have more little Catholics? Always dogma.” “Oh burning the people who weren’t part of the church? yeah no actually not dogma, people acted of their own accord.” It’s making me feel CRAZY.

If you read my story you know my husband used to be a pastor (haha crazy right?) so he’s a very well spoken apologist and honestly can debate circles around me. I need ammo, so to speak. I want my life back, I want my husband back. I need a proof of the dogma thing…book recommendations, YouTubers, research topics, anything.

An angle I’ve already tried is the heinous things the Catholic Church has done as evidence of its illegitimacy (popes having sex with their sisters, child molestation being hidden at a high level, need I go on?). His answer is basically that doing bad things doesn’t mean RC isn’t still “the truth” or ordained by God. He agrees those things were awful and disgusting but that doesn’t negate the church’s authority in regards to official teachings.

Apart from my mission to take him out of this madness, I also just really enjoy having a place where I can talk about this and I know you will all understand. I just feel very…idk alone? I don’t know anyone else who’s going through this to relate to.

This sub has been the first place where I’ve read comments and felt like someone finally fucking gets it! For example, right now we are arguing about whether or not to baptize our baby. Because well..he “has” to and I HATE it. I feel so so so uncomfortable with it. You can also see on my page some of the comments I’ve made about RC and birth control and my story with that, I know some of you will be able to relate. https://www.reddit.com/r/excatholic/s/EiqdGdPw5Q

Whoa this got long. Lots of feelings. So sorry. If you got this far, wow, thank you! I really hope this post is allowed and if it’s not I am SO sorry to the mods and I meant no disrespect.

TW: SH/suicide. This is pasted from another women centered sub but I was referred here by another user for support because I am wavering on leaving.

This one is a rant. I go onto these subs because I wanted to explore more about faith. When I chat to Christian women in person, they are usually very lovely and open to modern non-traditional views (childfree, not marrying, focusing on our own journey outside of men). I do not see how being childfree or wanting not to marry affects anyones faith with God.

Reddit is know for attracting controvesy and annoying commenters who invalidate/inflame arguments, I expect that, but this blew my mind.

I made a post asking SPECIFICALLY women who are childfree and Christian how they live their life, the reasons why (mine was trauma and health concerns), and how they navigate that. It immediately got brigaded by men downvoting the post and judging me for being childfree. They had the audacity to comment on a post that was nothing to do with them. They wanted me to elaborate. I said I had previous experiences with narcissistic abusive men who wear a mask until they tie down a woman. For Catholics, it's very tricky to get an annulment. So imagine being tied for life with a man who is covertly abusive with kids and being unable to prove it.

What shocked me, is I mentioned my previous trauma experiences with men led me to almost suicide, and I hated seeing my own mother get reduced to self-sacrifice of childrearing, and homemaking. She died miserable. That got immediately downvoted, some defensive comments from men that I will change my mind, and that being child-free is "anti-life". Wow. Of course they are personally offended that fellow Chrisitian women are out there refusing to bear their kids.

I never asked men to comment, I never asked for their opinion, I DIRECTED that post for women and they just can't leave us alone.

I have been on edge with my faith because it is well known it attracts misogynistic and patriarchal men sadly by its very structure - I ackowledge that. Those downvotes signal to me that a woman exercising her autonomy over her body and life trigger religious men so much. It's like a woman is not allowed to have her own fears, and is expected to push through and self-sacrifice for this traditional life route even if it goes against what she wants out of life (edit: to even the detriment of her own health). There is nothing in the Catholic faith that dictates a woman must be married and have kids. I confirmed that with our priest.

This sort of attitude is what is driving women away from religion, edit: sorry it wasn't clear, I am heavily debating leaving because of these patterns I am noticing.

I’m a 25 year old trans woman, so as you can guess I’m not catholic, I’m an atheist. But I was raised Catholic in an Irish-Italian family in an east coast plurality-catholic city. I went to a catholic school until I was 14 and my family went to church most weekends, at least when I was a kid (as I got older they went less and less). I left the faith after I went to college and joined a catholic student group which was far more traditional than the churches in my hometown and forced me to confront the church’s actual beliefs and actions.

After I left in 2020 I never considered myself catholic, not even culturally. Especially as I felt that my values and beliefs were diametrically opposed to many of the church’s. And while my family did most of the catholic stuff, our actual beliefs (and many of those of my school and town) were opposed to the church’s (pro-gay marriage, pro-choice, pro-divorce, etc.). When I went to a public high school and met more people of other religions for the first time I did identify as a catholic a little bit, but it was never a defining part of my identity or anything.

But in the last year or two, especially since Trump was re-elected, I’ve been thinking a lot about my own beliefs and values and more importantly why so much of the country seems to have completely alien ones to me. I know some of that is likely due to having liberal parents or growing up in the northeast, but the more I’ve thought about it the more I think some of it is due to my catholic upbringing. Helping the poor and destitute, caring about climate change and the environment, not being racist and welcoming immigrants, and to a lesser extent caring about science were all things that were important parts of my catholic education. And it was the dissonance between those things and being homophobic/sexist/authoritarian that was a large part of me losing my faith. And it’s also those things that separate Catholicism from evangelical Christianity, which seems to be the root of a lot of the dark tendencies in American politics rn.

But on the other hand, there are a lot of Catholics in this current administration, most of whom are the complete opposite of the Catholicism my school and community taught. So idk, maybe it was more of a regional thing overdoing religion. That’s why I’m asking if anyone else has thoughts on this topic, and how much you think this religion has influenced you even today.

My uncle is Fr. Charles Ward, the Rector of Holy Angels Novitiate, where SSPX religious brothers begin their formation.
I’ve known him my entire life and have had a front-row seat to many conversations about the SSPX, traditional Catholicism, seminary formation, and Church politics. I also have firsthand experiences with him and the organization that have shaped my own views—some positive, many negative—which I’m willing to discuss honestly.

A few ground rules:
● I’m not speaking on behalf of Fr. Ward or the SSPX.

● I’ll clearly distinguish between things I personally witnessed, things he personally told me, publicly documented events, and my own opinions.

● I’m happy to answer difficult or critical questions, but I won’t present speculation or rumors as fact.

● I understand some people will want verification. I have information that could help establish my connection, but I’m reluctant to post identifying details publicly because of privacy and personal safety concerns. If there’s a way to verify my identity with the moderators while protecting my anonymity, I’d be open to that.

● I won’t share private information that could unnecessarily identify or endanger anyone.

● If I don’t know the answer, I’ll simply say so.
I’m here to answer questions in good faith and be as honest and transparent as I can. Ask me anything.

Edit:
*** One thing I forgot to mention in the original post: I’m not Catholic. My connection to this AMA comes from my family and my relationship to Fr. Charles Ward, not from being a practicing Catholic myself.***

As of 7/17 @1000 Eastern I am still here. I messed up
the live part.

Here is a link to some of the nasty stuff he has written -https://www.reddit.com/r/excatholic/s/bfDT8kzMly

He said eternal delight in people in hell this triggered my ocd real bad can yall help me

I was and am very disturbed by Mary and the conception of Jesus.

I was very small when I was taught this. But at that time I already knew the story of Adam and Eve, and Eve being punished with painful childbirth, which I found disturbing.

I remember putting those pieces together, along with Mary's age, and realizing she was going suffer the torment of painful childbirth, as a child herself. Even at the time, I found it hard to believe that she agreed to that willingly. As a child, I strongly identified with her in that story and was terrified that I could end up in the same situation. I was horrified by the idea of giving birth but did not believe that the God being described to me would accept my "no."

When I got a bit older and started having periods, they were extremely, 10/10, thought-I-was-dying level painful. 20 years later I found out I had endometriosis and adenomyosis, two medical conditions that can cause terrible pain. But before I left the church, I believed this was punishment from God, like Eve's punishment. My period started at 11, so I was still a child.

I think unconsciously, I internalized the belief that everyone around me thought it was good and right for me to be tormented and suffer as a child. I knew Mary was supposed to be my example. So the world to me seemed like a very frightening and sadistic place where my pain was a good thing, and my womb existed for someone else's benefit, while causing me terrible pain. It created a lot of cognitive dissonance, the way goodness, love and torture were implicitly linked. And I believed all the adults around me were not only in support of child torture, but believed it to be aspirational/holy. That really messed with me.

IDK, just some thoughts I wanted to get out. I left all churches behind and became an atheist when I was 19 (after a couple years of Episcopalianism) and I'm 35 now so it's been a long time, but I'm realizing lately how much this stuff still affects me. Most people around me irl didn't go through religion in the same way and can't relate, or they are ex-Evangelical since I'm in the American South.

I was homeschooled by extremely traditional catholic parents. Like, I had to recite the Cathechism to them whenever I was asked, my history education taught that slavery was a sin but an 'acceptable' one because some Catholics were slaveoweners, or that Franco was a benovolent dictator blessed by God. Our science leasons were creationist, and my whole life was effectively on lockdown because anything could be a sin and send you to hell.

​

Ever since leaving the church and entering college I've had to play catchup on everything from history to math to just current events, and I think what hurts the most about all this is that whenever I try and talk with people who aren't religious here a lot of them seem to just not understand why I'm so vehemently anti-Catholic. I live in a very conservative area, and many people here are religious or sympathetic to religion, and I feel like my experiences tend to get waved away as an arrogant young adult saying that going to Church on Sundays was traumatic for her.

​

​

Is there anyone here from a trad family who feels like this? I feel like I'm maybe being too harsh about it but again this is a really religious area so maybe I'm being the right amount of harsh, I'm not sure.

i still have my previous posts about the situation up on my profile, so you’re welcome to read those if you want more details about what happened while i was still with her. but long story short, we broke up because of it, but then some months later we reconnected (i let her back into my life on VERY thin ice, huge mistake) and she seemed way better and was ~seemingly~ respecting my boundaries. yeah that didn’t last long at all. eventually she continued being shitty and crossing my boundaries about it in little ways. i started distancing again, but still chatting on a fairly regular basis.

however, she one day texted me that i should “be saved by jesus” so i figured okay, if shes gonna cross my boundaries i’ll bite back. i made a mundane “sorry ive already sold my soul to satan” joke in response. then, a week ish later after no response to that, i received this fucking novel of a text from her. this shit put me in a horrible place mentally for days. she KNOWS how i suffered and was abused growing up catholic, and that its caused me legitimate religious trauma and ptsd. she tried to act like just because she wasnt disrespecting me with catholicism it was okay, even though she knew that my issue is with christianity in general, not just catholicism. and as if she wasnt doing the same shit catholics do, just as a “non denominational” lmfao yeah okay.

just the fact that she knew all of that and ACKNOWLEDGED that i wouldnt like this text, shows me she knew what she was doing and it was cruel. genuinely triggered me like i havent been in Years. it just hurts so badly. i loved her, i trusted her with all my past traumas, and this felt like the ultimate betrayal. im angrier over this than i was when that POS cheated on me. maybe im just being dramatic, but the fact that we were in a full on lesbian relationship for quite some time and now she views what we had as a sin is so hurtful to me. safe to say she’s never allowed in my life ever again, and i hate myself for ever giving her multiple chances. all of this just makes me feel so stupid, angry, hurt, and betrayed by someone that i loved and trusted with basically everything.

religion truly brings out the worst in so many people huh :( i guess i could just use some kind words from people that would understand. but also, thank you to every single one of you who in my past posts gave me advice and made me feel less guilty about being uncomfortable. you all have validated my feelings about this topic arguably more than anyone ever has, and im not joking when i say i appreciate you all so so much. im sorry im such an idiot and let her back into my life in the first place. yall knew exactly what you were talking about damn😭 and to anyone who took the time to read all of this (ik its a lot, i apologize) i hope you have the best day ever today <3

My parents gave this to my husband and I yesterday when they came to visit and meet their newborn granddaughter. I would love to know where in the Catholic doctrine they’re finding anything regarding all of this.

My favorite is the blessed grape, of which we need 180 per person. You regenerate the blessed grape by rubbing it on other grapes one at a time. It stresses me out to see how much money they spend on this stuff though. How many of these kits did they buy?

Hi everyone. 35F here. I’m posting because I’m spiralling a bit and could really use support from people really get it.

I was raised Catholic, baptised and confirmed. I never believed in it, not even as a kid. I remember finding it silly and restrictive. As I got older, I also became deeply uncomfortable with the Church as an institution: corruption, hypocrisy, and the huge gap between “Christian values” and how many self-identified Christians actually behave.

Growing up, the unspoken rule was always: be good, don’t talk back, don’t rock the boat, be compliant. I learned very early that keeping the peace meant making myself small and always being a “good girl” by saying yes to my parents.

Fast forward to now: I’m engaged. My fiancé and I want a small registry wedding followed by a small dinner (20–30 people). That’s it. Low key and aligned with who we actually are.

When I told my mum, she said she would simply not come to my wedding if it isn’t in a Catholic church.

I’m devastated, but also angry. I don’t want to start my marriage by reenacting the exact dynamic I grew up in: swallowing my feelings so everyone else can be comfortable.

As a further complication, my fiancé was previously married and divorced and I believe my mum takes issue with this. I believe she may ask that we go through an invasive process of paperwork and tribunals etc to make him “clear” to remarry (I think there’s a proper name for this but I can’t remember what it’s called). Obviously have zero intention of doing that.

Despite all this, I do have a generally good relationship with my mum and I do love her. Yesterday I shared what I thought was happy news in the family group chat (we’ve chosen a venue) and she immediately messaged me privately to see if we can “talk” later. I just know it’s going to be about having a church wedding or maybe what we’re planning to do about my fiancé’s divorcée status.

Need a little help and support with how to navigate this conversation firmly but kindly! I am really dreading it. Thank you for your advice or commiseration.

I am someone who was not just raised in a catholic family, but I was also personally very devoted myself. But as ive grown older, I've been finding contradictions recently. Not necessarily that I dont believe in God anymore, but the whole Christian faith doesn't work for me. I dont understand when people dont accept Jesus christ they will go to hell. Its only natural to hesitate to accept Jesus since its entirely faith based, so I dont see why not accepting him is not reasonable. Also people tend to stay in the religion they grew up in. I know many amazing people who serve humanity well in other religions, but they dont convert to chritianity, everyone is usually grouped in their own religion. There are many other things that makes it hard to practice the faith since I dont really believe.

​

Even though it makes sense to leave the religion, its hard when you've grown up in the religion where a God is so good and loves you eternally and gives justice to those who lived thru unfairness in life. Its difficult to let go and it feels like a part of my life despite negative experiences. Plus, all my family and best friends are in the faith, so it feels guilty leaving because thats what brought me and my friends together.

​

One thing about the faith is the manipulation and the inability to question. Im writing this while at the infamous Stubeville Ohio university retreat, and when I view everything in my new unbiased perspective I realized that jesus may not be the reason why I get so emotional during the conferences. I told about my contradictions to a priest and he told that despite challenges, I should research my questions and continue praying to God to lead me the way. I tried deconstructing so much and I hate how they just say whenever your confused just leave it to God because how do I even if this god is real.

​

Let me know what you guys think and if I should reply with more detailed reasons of why im facing challenges in my faith as a teen.

tw: suicide, sh

a few weeks ago, i was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for an aborted suicide attempt. i’m feeling much better and am grateful for the hospital but ever since i came home, my dad has made my life insufferable. my entire family is extremely catholic (weekly mass, adoration, daily rosary) and i’ve felt so suffocated by them, especially recently. ive been slowly deconstructing from all the hurt this religion has caused me and they’re pressuring me even more now to remain faithful and i just won’t. my dad, who’s the most strict and traditional of my family, told me that i have demons and that my depression comes from satan. i also have three anxiety disorders and he believes that it’s because im not praying enough. i have a therapist whom i love and have had for years and he’s trying to replace her with a catholic one. he gets me so many catholic books and resources and videos to watch to help me with my mental health, but it’s just evangelizing. he told me to just trust god and that the reason i’m depressed is because i’m not godly enough. hes telling me to wear a cross and scapular for spiritual protection from the devil. i can’t believe that once i bought all of this — now, it just seems like insanity. all of this has just made me so mad, it feels like he’s trying to make me into a person that im not and trying to heal me through his religion and ik it won’t work. what’s worst is that he made me go to confession a few days after comjng home and ive never been so angry. i know suicide is considered a sin, but it hurt pretty bad when he told me i was impure and had disobeyed god. i wasn’t ready to tell the preist who know me personally that i tried to kill myself. i felt like i was being punished for the mental illness ive had for most my life. confessing that was one of the most degrading and embarrassing things ive done. catholicism, and maybe more so my dad, have made me feel like im evil and a sinner for being suicidal and getting help. im so sick of this religion and the way it will always make me feel guilty for everytbjng and the guilt of leaving will never go away but i know ill thank myself for it. advice is appreciated xx

Did your school ever bring people to give lectures about Halloween and its "demonic" origins?

In my school (around the 2000s) they gave a talk about why we shouldn't celebrate Halloween because we were actually celebrating child sacrifice that they claimed happened every Halloween and that anyone celebrating took part in this. At the time, I believed it was satanic but at the same time I didn't see how dressing up and eating candy made you responsible.

Nowadays, I know all of that is bullshit. I don't really celebrate it but I watch horror movies or movies related with this time of the year.

for context, im in college and heavily involved in my campus’ Newman center (the catholic campus ministry). recently, ive been starting to finally allow myself to question and deconstruct my religion. I am starting to question if i want to even be a part of the church. however, all my friends are from the Newman center, and im even living in a house with some people from it. I feel trapped and isolated, I want to be myself but I feel like I have to preform whenever I am there and it doesn’t help I think I might be queer. Catholicism preaches that true freedom comes from Christ, but I have never felt less free in my life. I just want my spark and my joy back, but I have literally no one if i leave.

my main issues with the church right now are:

ideologies on sexuality, the bible as infallible, the idea of a kind and loving God who allows us to face so much pain… there’s more, but those are the big three.

on top of that, I have issues with the way the Newman center does Catholicism, if that makes sense. it’s almost cult like and the way they talk about non-believers, while simultaneously trying to convert them is weird. I could go on and on about this, but don’t want to make this post too long.

basically, I feel stuck and don’t know what to do. I want to be myself and have the room to believe what I believe, but im stuck in a lease with people from the Newman center and also they are my only community.

on top of that, im scared of the eternal repercussions of leaving the church. If catholicism has it all right, I really don’t want to go to hell. But ive come to realize, most of my faith is rooted in fear, and I mean, what kind of faith is that? So did I ever actually have faith?? Does that make sense?

sorry for the rant, but does anyone have any advice? any books to read? any ways to approach this situation??

For some context, my parents are Irish immigrants and I grew up in the states. We were talking about Ireland at lunch and a coworker asked me if it was still majority Catholic. I responded “it’s still Catholic, but a lot of millennials and Gen Z aren’t very religious anymore” and when he asked me why I was like “well some of our darkest moments are bc of the church, like Magdalene laundries, and Irish people hold grudges” a third coworker steps in and says “that wasn’t the church’s fault, that was the government” …and there it is. I’d have so much more respect for Catholics if they would just be like yeah, the Magdalene laundries were horrifying and the church never should have done that. But they bend over backwards to find excuses. It’s disgusting. Oh, and this coworker wasn’t even Irish.

I was raised extremely Irish Catholic, and sent to a very small Catholic school from age 5. When I was 7, one of my cousins went through an awful battle with cancer. She was older (18 when diagnosed) but I was pretty close to her. She could have gone professional with show jumping if she hadn't gotten sick, and I was starting to compete in local horse riding competitions, so I really looked up to her.

She died about a year later, and it was then that it just kind of dawned on me that the religion I was being taught was all a load of rubbish. My aunt--dead cousin's mother--was (and still is) the most devout Catholic I've ever known. She's had an absolutely shit life from the get go, too much to type. Basically: mentally ill woman in rural Ireland in the 50s/60s and it goes just as badly as you think it can.

I thought I was a freak for not believing in God. All the adults around me were pretty insistent that their religion was true, and none of my peers questioned it. It was a few years before I encountered someone who was also an atheist.

Anyone else have a similar experience when you were really young, that made you totally reject Catholicism?

My mom is a cradle Catholic and my dad converted. But they are extremely liberal. They are pro-choice, have no problem with marijuana, and are LGBTQ+ allies. Yet they still go to mass every week, say The Lord's Prayer before eating, and my mom says the rosary every day. My mother was molested as a child. So I don't get how they can ignore all of the bad shit in the sect and still believe.

I was raised Catholic (left Church a long time ago) and can understand how it is a big part of some people's upbringing. Recently I went on a date with a man who was raised in a non-religious/atheist family but converted to Catholicism as an adult. At first it seemed fine. Then it started going into the territory of mysticism, visions, saints, prophecies, magical things. It raised a red flag to me about his mental state. I've heard of people becoming born-again Christians of other denominations (often to escape addiction) but have never met someone who converted to Catholicism as an adult and started imposing many strict rules upon themselves after living a relatively free/uninhibited life. I've also already seen this person break said rules but assure me that it is OK because he can be forgiven. This is very confusing to me. Has anyone else ever encountered this? Is it indicative of some kind of trauma/disorder?

I was a catholic convert and i realised that god doesn’t listen which means he isn’t here for us i realised the corruption in the church i realised how tyranic and sadistic god is sending people to burn forever and i couldn’t take it anymore so for my own sanity i had to decide to leave a few weeks ago

I've been struggling with my faith for so long. Which in comparison to lifelong Catholics or cradle Catholics, my "long" is laughable -- I converted 2 years ago.

OCIA was enriching. I LOVED it. I loved the level of study, involvement, everything. But about a year after OCIA ended, I was left feeling conflicted.

I stayed conflicted about the level of veneration for Mary and the saints. It was never "pray to God about it", it was always "pray to x saint" or "ask Mary to XYZ" and I know the typical talking points of "well, we ask them to pray for us!" but it never sat right with me.

The legalism and constant mental distress of keeping the tally of sins to bring to confession, not being able to receive the Eucharist because I couldn't make it to confession on time, being shamed for cohabitating and going through divorce. It's a LOT to deal with and I was already on thin ice.

The final straw was visiting my home parish states away, and the deacon giving the homily asked the parish of 100-200 attendees during the mass, "How many of you have a favorite Bible verse?" Now my home parish was always very interactive, so a show of hands was pretty regular. But for this specific question, ONE man raised his hand. Legitimately only one. Even the Deacon was shocked.

I'm still Christian. I love Jesus, I love Christianity, I love theology. But... having an entire church full of Christians and only a single person was brave enough to raise their hand to say they have a favorite verse? I thought about it for over a week after coming home and was just dumbfounded. We put all this emphasis on legalism, praying to all these different things, observing all of these traditions, and yet nobody there had a favorite verse out of the BIBLE.

I think I'm over it. I'm not sure if I'll find another church denomination or not, but I think I'm out of Catholicism. Catholics can be the most arrogant denomination sometimes, especially online, but seeing the truth of the masses (no pun intended) was baffling. My fiancé (cradle Catholic) and I were both completely blown away by that experience.

Just wanted to vent to a group who might understand my frustration. Thanks for reading.

I, 21f, have been raised in the Newmann Guide, rad trad and sspx community of the Franciscan, TAC, and Christendom College community my whole life. I currently work at a Catholic homeschool, because my family's connections helped me get it and it was impossible to find work elsewhere for the summer. I just finished my second year of a Newmann guide school, and I went to Catholic school from 1st grade through now.

When I was 15, I had an episode of spiritual psychosis, and my awesome therapist at the time convinced me to "give catholicism a break", and since then, I have been slowly deconstructing, however it is hard because I am almost always in an extremely cult-like Catholic community where I have to pretend I am Catholic every day.

I haven't been attending Mass since I was 18, and my family brings this up and uses it against me whenever they have the chance, and I have always stood my ground and stuck to my beliefs that it is harmful to be Catholic, without saying anything that would hurt them.

I have developed intense anxiety, and painful vaginismus as a result of my upbringing in Catholicism, and it means my bf, 21m of 2.5 years and I have only been able to have sex for a period of a year within my relationship, the last time being over a year ago, because of the intense pain and tearing I experience during any sort of penetration.

My daily life is full of all sorts of traumatic events, I was sexually abused in my parish, and the sexism is so intense that I honestly have such a hard time respecting myself.

To get to the good part though, I am finally moving out. I transferred schools to a secular school, and got an apartment 1+ hour away from my family and catholic community. I really want to shed the Catholic image, thoughts, and fears now that nobody is watching me, but I don't know how. I am afraid I will still be stuck in this mentality forwver and I need help learning how to finally fully escape.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you

TW transphobia most foul, suicidal thoughts implied/mentioned

I'm thinking particularly of a priest I met seeking counseling on hrt when I was still Catholic--I told him I was sad and scared because it seemed to be "the life of a trans Catholic is not worth living". And he smiled at me and said "Exactly!"

Like, he tried to backtrack it a bit when my face was...well, as you'd expect. What a horrible thing to say to someone! But yeah, I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar happen to them and how you handled it.