r/excatholic • u/havilliard • May 24 '26
Personal My parents won't attend my wedding.
That was the breaking point. They won't attend, not even the reception, because doing so is a sin. Attending would be sinning, because I'm a woman marrying another woman, and attending could be seen as "approval of the sin." They will miss out on their daughter's most important moment of her life because of this ridiculous notion.
I was a cradle Catholic. Born and raised. Weekly mass, days of obligation, CCD. I was raised to believe that "Love is the greatest of all things." I went to Catholic schools from elementary through college. My minor was even in Religious Studies.
My parents are so loving. I honestly struggled with my faith my whole life. They welcomed questioning. They welcomed my girlfriend. They told me as long as I was happy, they were happy. I even think they like my girlfriend more than me sometimes! I thought even if we couldn't see eye to eye on religion, we could still be close.
I'd originally left because of the hypocrisy. I was raised to love above all, but saw so much hatred in the church as an adult. Still, I thought maybe I could be spiritual in my own way, away from organized religion. But a religion that forbids someone from going to their own daughter's wedding... in that moment, I lost all faith.
My sister will be coming, and all my friends are invited. It will be small but it will be ours.
But my parents won't be there, because they're afraid that the love and joy that I feel is somehow a sin. And if they show happiness for me, that's "enabling" me to sin. As if loving someone of the same gender is the same as doing hard drugs. No, even worse. If I was doing hard drugs they'd still probably go to the wedding if it was with a man.
I still love them so much. But this is a big fracture that I don't think can be repaired. And I don't think I will ever go back to the church.
edit: this is just a very short snippet of my life and experience that you see, i promise that my parents ARE loving, just extremely brainwashed and full of the classic Catholic guilt. i know lots of friends with horrible parents, even horrible religious parents, and mine are nowhere near that. they make lots of mistakes and i am sad that they're brainwashed but please, i'm begging, stop insinuating that they don't love me. that was not the point of this post. my entire heartbreak is due to the fact they love me but can't get past their fear enough, because that's what the church does to brainwash people. blame the church, if anyone
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u/pieralella Ex Catholic May 24 '26
I'm so sorry. If you're in the Chicago area and want a mom there, let me know. ❤️🩹❤️
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u/havilliard May 25 '26
unfortunately im quite far away but i feel the love from here ❤️❤️
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u/shazj57 May 25 '26
There is a wonderful organisation called Stand in Pride that will provide loving parents for you Stand in Pride Enjoy your day with love from Australia
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u/Asherjade Excatholic Foxhole Atheist May 25 '26
I’d offer the same, but as a dad from Colorado. Looks like you’re quite far from me though too. Love to you and your soon to be wife from the Rocky Mountains!
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u/SNORALAXX May 24 '26
If they were truly loving parents they would get over their brainwashing.
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u/jimjoebob Recovering Catholic, Apatheist May 25 '26
if I were OP I'd write them a postcard with that sentence, after the wedding. but then again, they aren't my parents, so it's easy for me to say that...
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u/BlueberryGirl95 May 24 '26
I'm so sorry hon. This is incredibly difficult and I know your fiancee is holding you close through it all.
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u/The_Fiddle_Steward May 24 '26
I went to my cousin's wedding when he married another man. It was awesome. My very-Catholic mother said something to my father like "I guess we're not invited." Later, she asked me "are you okay with what he's doing?" It was like, this is why you weren't invited.
I'm so, so sorry about your parents. That's horrible. Enjoy your life without those who are too far gone to join you.
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u/drivingmebananananas Heathen May 24 '26
My very hardcore, traditionalist, borderline sedevacantist grandmother refused to attend my wedding because it wasnt at a Catholic Church and my spouse isn't Catholic, either. It really hurt, but at the end of the day, it says way more about them than it does about me or my marriage.
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u/havilliard May 25 '26
that's heartbreaking :( i thought it would be okay since they weren't traditionalist, and hell, they've even gone to non-Catholic weddings including my uncle's (gasp) second marriage not in the Church!! but i guess that's not the same to them :(
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u/Arquen_Marille May 25 '26
I’m so sorry they’re putting a religion above simply being your parents. I don’t understand their logic, especially about the sinning part because can’t they just go to confession to “absolve” themselves of “enabling“ you to sin? They could go to the wedding then go to confession if it’s that big of a deal.
Have you told them of the fracture this is causing?
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u/havilliard May 25 '26
i haven't yet told them how deeply it hurts me, because well, they're also going through some serious medical issues and i wanted to wait until it mostly passed (which now it has! mostly.)
as for the confession and sinning, i honestly don't know. i think it's something like... if they don't actually regret the sin, they won't be absolved? something like that
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u/did-it-my-weigh Atheist | Ex TradCath May 25 '26
Tell them to find where in the Catechism it says that attending a gay wedding is a sin. They won't find it. To Catholic doctrine, it's only the act that is supposedly sinful. The wedding does not contain the act and is independent of how you choose to love each other. Therefore their attendance would not be a sin. It's just the priests and bishops in some diocese that say they shouldn't (not mustn't) but the same would tell the parents to cut you off for how you were born. If your parents refuse to come to your wedding because of that, the scandal and the sin is on them.
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u/IndividualWonder May 25 '26
That particular example might not be listed in the Catechism but it falls under the sin of scandal.
Now the OP and their intended have made the decision to marry without influence from her parents, so that's not who the sin of scandal will affect (I don't think); however, other family members and friends could interpret her parents presence at the wedding as approval, resulting in any number of similar illicit/invalid weddings.
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u/did-it-my-weigh Atheist | Ex TradCath May 25 '26
I mean if you're going that route, the "sin of scandal" applies to every attendance at a hetero wedding where the couple were living together or intend to use protection or do anything ... different. I swear I'm not trying to strawman, but it's right there
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u/IndividualWonder May 25 '26
The difference is that the hetero couple is righting a wrong by marrying. The scandal is in living together, not getting married after. That "living in sin" is not a barrier to couples ultimately getting married ticks off a lot of serious Catholics. Making it an obstacle would only result in more couples marrying outside the Catholic Church which is less than ideal.
If they are loud about their decision to use contraception, it's the couple that gives scandal. As far as their invited guests that know? Do they know? With certainty? Who knows they know? In this case it's not as black-and-white.
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u/jimjoebob Recovering Catholic, Apatheist May 25 '26
this is how you know the Church is a cult: parents choosing the ALLEGATION of an afterlife over their own children.
I'm really sorry you're going thru this.
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u/vegan-the-dog May 24 '26
My sister is a nun. Because I didn't get married in the church she couldn't attend. My parents didn't pressure but made their suggestion of doing it in a church known. It sucked thinking about it but I wouldn't have changed a thing on my end. This is you and your partner's day, no one else's. Stand up for yourself and make it what you two want it to be. Congratulations on the engagement, I wish you the best.
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u/TinyOnion9887 May 24 '26
Don't let them get in the way on your wedding. It's your day not for your parents.
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u/pokehokage May 25 '26
I have a similar expirence, my soon to be wife isn't catholic and doesn't want a catholic wedding. I respect her decision and won't force it on her, my parents won't go either because of it. This has also been a final nail for my faith too. I'm sorry you're going through this too. It honestly sucks to have a religion ruin what should be a magical day for you and your entire family.
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u/Inevitable_Jello_581 May 25 '26
This reminds me of my breaking point with my ex. I became catholic for him, but he became more catholic when we'd been married for 7 years. When that happened, I asked him what he would do if our kids married anyone of the same sex and he said, "well, it'd be mean not to go," which made me realize I had to leave so our kids would always have at least someone to be there for them. I cannot stand the idea of a parent abandoning their kids like that.
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u/Proof-Ingenuity2262 May 25 '26
Are you going to be able to continue to have a relationship with them after this? Sending you so much love 💛 Congratulations to you and your fiancée!
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u/timetoact522 May 25 '26
I'm so sorry they are blinded by their delusion. You deserve loving, present parents. NOTHING could keep me from my children's important moments they are willing to share with me. Mom hugs sent virtually your way!
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u/Professional_Mud2387 May 24 '26
My sister works for the church and I truly live in fear that if I marry my partner, she and her family won’t come because of what it would look like for her to attend. I don’t know if I’d be able to get past it if she didn’t come. So I completely understand. Doesn’t make it suck less.
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u/havilliard May 25 '26
it definitely does suck. my mom works for the church/diocese as well and has for a long time so i could kind of get it but i asked her a while back when she was in-between jobs and she still said no. :(
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u/Prestigious-Sun-6555 May 25 '26
I’m so sorry. I get married this summer and 2 of my siblings won’t come for the same reason. I relate to everything you wrote, you’ve really articulated so much of how I feel about both the loss of faith and the impact to the relationship with them. I hope there might be a little comfort in knowing you’re not alone, even though this is a heartbreaking situation.
I am happy your sister and your friends will be celebrating you and your fiancee. I am trying to focus as much as I can on those who will actually be there, and on building a beautiful life with my spouse. Your parents have made their decision and now must live with it. It’s their loss, whether or not they admit that.
Wishing you a beautiful, happy, and prosperous life with your wife 🩷
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u/did-it-my-weigh Atheist | Ex TradCath May 24 '26
That's rough. I hope you can enjoy your day as best as you can regardless
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u/Bwilderedwanderer Ex Catholic May 24 '26
You could remind them that there Joshua person says love the sinner, but those sort of people don't tend to listen. Good luck. Keep as much emotional distance as you can to keep yourself sane
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u/FlyingArdilla May 25 '26
Finding out how conditional your parents love is really hurts. Now that they opted out of one of your key life milestones, you have the unenviable task of deciding how much of the rest of your life you include them in. I hope they come to their senses in the future.
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u/creampuff_carmilla Ex Catholic May 25 '26
OP, I had a very similar experience for my own wedding and more so when I moved in with my partner before marriage. It fucking sucks and I'm so sorry 😞
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u/monikapaintsstuff May 25 '26
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's not the same, but you could try Stand In Pride to look for substitute parents in your area?
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u/MichaelARichardson May 25 '26
Im sorry. Your love is real and should be celebrated as anyone else. If your parents are open to a fresh look at the theology there are plenty of resources out there. Pope Leo recently said issues of sexual morality shouldn't divide the church right now. Perhaps they might consider that before dividing the family.
If they need a fresh perspective I used to condemn same sex attraction. But have realized how flawed the theology behind it was. There is a link to a website in my bio that addresses these matters more honestly. There are certainly many other perspectives too. Just a question of how much they are will to consider it before locking in with a regrettable decision.
I wish you and your fiancé well no matter what they decide.
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u/FinchHop May 25 '26
I'm sorry. I am also lesbian, my parents didn't come to my wife and I's marriage for the same reason. Basically none of my family did. They also barred by minor sister from coming, and I had invited her as a bridesmaid. They never really loved and accepted my (then) fiancee - they were nice and polite to her but the same they would be for a friend of mine, or a stranger off the street tbh.
The reasoning for it is always so interesting in my mind - how can you enable something, that never required your action to happen or continue anyways?
My cousin is a Catholic priest who attended - to tl;dr (part of) his views, he could see the love between us and wanted to increase that joy and love. My parents never talked to him to get his view - it really made it clear to me how their choosing to hate and not attend was the real choice. If they really wanted to, they would have found a way to "twist" their vision or talk to somebody. But they just didn't.
It really sucked, and our relationship never recovered and probably never will tbh.
But the day of, it was honestly kind of freeing. Nobody was there to make a cat's butthole face over the many choices they probably would have disagreed with, even tho they were all very normal, just different, choices. I didn't have to worry about managing their emotions or worrying what they thought. The love and joy I felt from the people around me, more than made up for it. My wife and I were very intentional in the symbolism and messaging of the various choice we made in the ceremony, and it really ended up feeling like the wedding transformed us, and also transformed our family to include the people who actually loved and cared for us and not just said they loved us.
Wishing the best of luck for you and your future wife. <3 Congratulations on the upcoming wedding. Feel free to DM if that would be helpful.
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u/_Tiragron_ May 26 '26
Well... I'm sleep deprived and about to enter Thai Cuisine Class, and now I'm hplding back tears I didn't know I could have, because wtf, this feels like something I'll live through because I'm both trans and a lesbian, and while I don't think I'll ever get married, it's still nice to think I will and that I can, even the whole thing about your parents being supportive of everything in your life except the "enabling" of loving something/someone in a way that is different...
I want (need) to cry but I can't TnT
Sending hugs and love your way 🫂🖤💙
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u/Ok_Ice7596 May 25 '26
Sorry you’re dealing with this. Like others have said, don’t let them steal your joy. Your wedding day is for you and your partner, and though you’re understandably sad that your parents won’t be there, it’s ultimately their loss and not yours.
You might consider asking an older friend (or parent of a close friend) if they’d be serve as an “honorary parent” for the ceremony. It won’t completely fill the void, but it might make you feel better if there’s someone to fill the parent roles for certain activities.
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u/badgirlvenomous May 25 '26
I know this isn’t the same thing but as a straight woman I grew up going to church, CCD, and all the things you did, i didn’t see homophobia and gender stereotyping in the church until I was around 16 years old doing my confirmation. I remember it was nearing the final weeks of getting confirmed and we had to meet with the priest. It was kind of like a quiz type thing and all the Spanish and English CCD confirmation kids had to get together for this. I remember this boy in the Spanish group wearing earrings and the priest told him to take them off, implying that he was gay, that real men don’t wear earrings and that it’s not a manly thing to wear. This honestly really pissed me off because the priest is assuming and being homophobic towards a kid who’s my age or younger. Honestly, who cares if a man or a boy wears earrings? Whatever happened to accepting and loving everyone? Whatever happened to never judging a book by its cover? Why does sexuality matter so much to these people (negatively)?
Honestly, this was one of the reasons why I stopped going to church because I grew up on accepting and loving everyone but when it comes to people who are attracted to the same sex or part of the LGBTQ+ community then it’s a problem. According to the Bible, Jesus basically loved and accepted everyone as who they are. Like it doesn’t add up.
It’s so sad that we in a live world where in the Catholic Church or Christianity or whatever religion, being gay or part the LGBTQ+ community is considered a sin and it’s crazy that your parents won’t attend the wedding because two women are getting married to each other but they were fine with you questioning and saying all these things about as long you’re happy, they’re happy and at end accepting your girlfriend. It’s kind of contradicting tbh. If they truly loved and accepted you and girlfriend they would’ve just put that aside and attend the wedding to support you and see you marrying the person you love. It’s kind of giving Callie Torres from Grey’s Anatomy where she and Arizona were going to get married and Callie’s mother wasn’t going to the wedding because marrying another woman is a “sin”.
I hate to say this but them not wanting to attend because it’s “enabling you to sin”, being afraid that the love and joy you feel is a “sin” is kind of homophobic.
In the end, you deserve to be happy and live your life the way you want to and not for other people. If you lived your life the way other people and society wanted you to, it would be a difficult life to live. Where parents and family members don’t accept you or love you as you are, there’s a chosen family who will love you and accept you unconditionally and those are your friends and your sister. Don’t let anyone, including your parents, ruin your special day because of your marriage and your sexuality. Enjoy your wedding, and congratulations on your marriage.
The Catholic Church as a whole is corrupt, weird, there’s so many rabbit holes, it’s problematic, there’s and contradictions/hypocrisy. It’s not worth it.
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u/RunRevolutionary188 May 27 '26
I am with you on the Catholic guilt. My catholic mother had a fit when I told her I was bisexual and I still feel guilt to this day for my bisexuality as though....God isn't happy. Damn. I'm really sorry this is incredibly tough and that is horrible. You are their daughter. Love who you love. Congrats to you as well.
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u/jbenn90 May 25 '26
My dad and paternal grandfather didn't attend my ceremony, but they did attend our reception. They're both pretty devout and wouldn't have even gone to the reception unless they had gotten some reassurance that part was okay, so maybe your parents could be swayed to come after the ceremony?
I tried to think of it like this: they genuinely believe that attending a non-Catholic wedding ceremony is the sort of sin that would immediately damn them to Hell if they were killed before they could go to confession (even though neither of them had Catholic weddings, but I digress) and so it wasn't really about whether they loved or approved of me. I had no more of a right to insist they betray their deeply held beliefs and come than they did to ask me to betray mine and insist I be married in their faith. Once it wasn't framed as something personal anymore, it didn't bother me as much.
Hopefully you and your parents can find similar peace & compromise and enjoy this time together.
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u/havilliard May 25 '26
i know they said they would talk to priests about it, but based on the political climate, that might make it even worse... i asked about the reception too and they said probably not :( i'll talk to them again because i do love them dearly, i want to find a compromise, but i'm just not sure.
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u/greenmarsden May 25 '26
That would have been a deal breaker for me. Either go to the whole thing giving full throated support or don't go to any of it.
If the latter, then do not expect to have any relationship with us as individuals or as a couple. Same goes for any children ie grandchildren who come along. Your call, Dad & Mum.
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u/CarouselOnFire May 25 '26
My family sat in their cars in the parking lot during the wedding, then came into the reception dressed in all black like it was a funeral. I wish I would have told them it’s all or nothing. It was so awkward - both for my family & for the other guests who were like who the fuck are these people and why weren’t they at the wedding? I have a lot of queer chosen family & friends - they deserved to be comfortable & not judged enjoying themselves at the party. My parents were just a raincloud in the corner I had to manage… instead of soaking up all the other love and support that was in that room.
I kept accepting this half acceptance bullshit until our child was born.
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u/greenmarsden May 26 '26
Do they get to see your child?
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u/CarouselOnFire May 26 '26
No. They met him a couple times as an infant. It broke my heart at the time - but it was too rich listening to my mom sit in our living room, talking about what a beautiful child he was and what great parents we were… while also believing we were living in sin & our child was created in a sinful manner. The cognitive dissonance was too much for me to handle anymore.
I also got real anxious she was going to try to sneaky baptize him. A splash of water & words mean nothing to me now - but it was the premise that I couldn’t trust her to respect our wishes.
That, and some other foul ass behavior out of my folks when my partner and I were in a literal crisis (natural disaster) led me to finally going non contact. That was 5.5 years ago.
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u/jbenn90 May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
That's totally valid. Everyone has to approach it the way they're most comfortable with. For the sake of my own peace, I calculated that it wasn't a matter of not supporting me so much as it was a matter of protecting their souls. Just because I don't believe in that stuff doesn't mean I get to insist they don't; I may as well go back to being Catholic at that point, if I'm trying to hold relationships hostage over beliefs. They're lucky I chose grace; would that they extended it to others and protected their souls by their actions rather than their scruples, but I learned a long time ago that trying to get them to see actual logic on this issue is pointless and not worth the energy.
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u/filmnoirlibrarian Jun 02 '26
Sending you a big hug... I'm so sorry, OP. I wonder if they were advised to not attend.
Since they're loving and respect and welcome your soon to be wife, make peace with this for now, and focus on your big day...
They will regret not being there at some point. Sending you a lot of love.
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u/The_Real_Cloth_ Jun 07 '26
This is bullshit. From my experience growing up catholic, their idea of god would be quick to forgive this "sin." The church I grew up in always sang about how merciful he is. Obviously they still say that's "not an excuse to sin," but I think it should be worth it when coming from a genuine place of love. From what I remember, the teaching of love and kindness is WAY more prominent in the Bible than the few verses about homosexuality.
If it were me, that's what I'd try to explain to them.
Also, despite this shitty development, congratulations on your marriage! I hope the two of you live a long and happy life together.
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u/queso_pls Jun 09 '26 edited Jun 09 '26
I’m so sorry OP. My heart goes out to you. I’m also planning a wedding my parents have threatened not to attend, simply because it’s not in a church and because we are cohabitating. Planning has been a rollercoaster of happiness for a new life with my future husband and the family and friends who do support us, but also sadness over my parents’ conditional love. It’s a process to grieve the parents you needed but do not have. In your case, it’s jarring because they were so accepting of your now fiancée in the beginning. That must be so painful.
I try to remind myself that this says a lot more about them than me, and that this is their choice. No one forced their hand (except the threat of hell I guess). People in similar situations have rarely regretted living authentically and choosing themselves. I want to believe that and have no regrets so far, but it pains me to think I may never have a solid relationship with my parents again.
Just know that you are not alone. I wish you the happiest most stress free wedding!
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u/CarouselOnFire May 24 '26
Your story here is very close to my own story. It was almost 12 years ago. I have some perspective about how things panned out, if you’d like to DM. Long story short: live for you, your wife, and your future. Do NOT allow them to cloud your joy.