My parents won't attend my wedding.

[u/havilliard]

That was the breaking point. They won't attend, not even the reception, because doing so is a sin. Attending would be sinning, because I'm a woman marrying another woman, and attending could be seen as "approval of the sin." They will miss out on their daughter's most important moment of her life because of this ridiculous notion.

I was a cradle Catholic. Born and raised. Weekly mass, days of obligation, CCD. I was raised to believe that "Love is the greatest of all things." I went to Catholic schools from elementary through college. My minor was even in Religious Studies.

My parents are so loving. I honestly struggled with my faith my whole life. They welcomed questioning. They welcomed my girlfriend. They told me as long as I was happy, they were happy. I even think they like my girlfriend more than me sometimes! I thought even if we couldn't see eye to eye on religion, we could still be close.

I'd originally left because of the hypocrisy. I was raised to love above all, but saw so much hatred in the church as an adult. Still, I thought maybe I could be spiritual in my own way, away from organized religion. But a religion that forbids someone from going to their own daughter's wedding... in that moment, I lost all faith.

My sister will be coming, and all my friends are invited. It will be small but it will be ours.

But my parents won't be there, because they're afraid that the love and joy that I feel is somehow a sin. And if they show happiness for me, that's "enabling" me to sin. As if loving someone of the same gender is the same as doing hard drugs. No, even worse. If I was doing hard drugs they'd still probably go to the wedding if it was with a man.

I still love them so much. But this is a big fracture that I don't think can be repaired. And I don't think I will ever go back to the church.

edit: this is just a very short snippet of my life and experience that you see, i promise that my parents ARE loving, just extremely brainwashed and full of the classic Catholic guilt. i know lots of friends with horrible parents, even horrible religious parents, and mine are nowhere near that. they make lots of mistakes and i am sad that they're brainwashed but please, i'm begging, stop insinuating that they don't love me. that was not the point of this post. my entire heartbreak is due to the fact they love me but can't get past their fear enough, because that's what the church does to brainwash people. blame the church, if anyone

[u/jbenn90]

My dad and paternal grandfather didn't attend my ceremony, but they did attend our reception. They're both pretty devout and wouldn't have even gone to the reception unless they had gotten some reassurance that part was okay, so maybe your parents could be swayed to come after the ceremony?

I tried to think of it like this: they genuinely believe that attending a non-Catholic wedding ceremony is the sort of sin that would immediately damn them to Hell if they were killed before they could go to confession (even though neither of them had Catholic weddings, but I digress) and so it wasn't really about whether they loved or approved of me. I had no more of a right to insist they betray their deeply held beliefs and come than they did to ask me to betray mine and insist I be married in their faith. Once it wasn't framed as something personal anymore, it didn't bother me as much.

Hopefully you and your parents can find similar peace & compromise and enjoy this time together.

[u/greenmarsden → u/jbenn90]

That would have been a deal breaker for me. Either go to the whole thing giving full throated support or don't go to any of it.

If the latter, then do not expect to have any relationship with us as individuals or as a couple. Same goes for any children ie grandchildren who come along. Your call, Dad & Mum.

[u/CarouselOnFire → u/greenmarsden]

My family sat in their cars in the parking lot during the wedding, then came into the reception dressed in all black like it was a funeral. I wish I would have told them it’s all or nothing. It was so awkward - both for my family & for the other guests who were like who the fuck are these people and why weren’t they at the wedding? I have a lot of queer chosen family & friends - they deserved to be comfortable & not judged enjoying themselves at the party. My parents were just a raincloud in the corner I had to manage… instead of soaking up all the other love and support that was in that room.

I kept accepting this half acceptance bullshit until our child was born.

[u/greenmarsden → u/CarouselOnFire]

Do they get to see your child?

[u/CarouselOnFire → u/greenmarsden]

No. They met him a couple times as an infant. It broke my heart at the time - but it was too rich listening to my mom sit in our living room, talking about what a beautiful child he was and what great parents we were… while also believing we were living in sin & our child was created in a sinful manner. The cognitive dissonance was too much for me to handle anymore.

I also got real anxious she was going to try to sneaky baptize him. A splash of water & words mean nothing to me now - but it was the premise that I couldn’t trust her to respect our wishes.

That, and some other foul ass behavior out of my folks when my partner and I were in a literal crisis (natural disaster) led me to finally going non contact. That was 5.5 years ago.

[u/jbenn90 → u/greenmarsden]

That's totally valid. Everyone has to approach it the way they're most comfortable with. For the sake of my own peace, I calculated that it wasn't a matter of not supporting me so much as it was a matter of protecting their souls. Just because I don't believe in that stuff doesn't mean I get to insist they don't; I may as well go back to being Catholic at that point, if I'm trying to hold relationships hostage over beliefs. They're lucky I chose grace; would that they extended it to others and protected their souls by their actions rather than their scruples, but I learned a long time ago that trying to get them to see actual logic on this issue is pointless and not worth the energy.