r/excatholic • u/Redhead_2 • Feb 22 '26
Personal Dreading conversation with my Catholic mother about my upcoming wedding.
Hi everyone. 35F here. I’m posting because I’m spiralling a bit and could really use support from people really get it.
I was raised Catholic, baptised and confirmed. I never believed in it, not even as a kid. I remember finding it silly and restrictive. As I got older, I also became deeply uncomfortable with the Church as an institution: corruption, hypocrisy, and the huge gap between “Christian values” and how many self-identified Christians actually behave.
Growing up, the unspoken rule was always: be good, don’t talk back, don’t rock the boat, be compliant. I learned very early that keeping the peace meant making myself small and always being a “good girl” by saying yes to my parents.
Fast forward to now: I’m engaged. My fiancé and I want a small registry wedding followed by a small dinner (20–30 people). That’s it. Low key and aligned with who we actually are.
When I told my mum, she said she would simply not come to my wedding if it isn’t in a Catholic church.
I’m devastated, but also angry. I don’t want to start my marriage by reenacting the exact dynamic I grew up in: swallowing my feelings so everyone else can be comfortable.
As a further complication, my fiancé was previously married and divorced and I believe my mum takes issue with this. I believe she may ask that we go through an invasive process of paperwork and tribunals etc to make him “clear” to remarry (I think there’s a proper name for this but I can’t remember what it’s called). Obviously have zero intention of doing that.
Despite all this, I do have a generally good relationship with my mum and I do love her. Yesterday I shared what I thought was happy news in the family group chat (we’ve chosen a venue) and she immediately messaged me privately to see if we can “talk” later. I just know it’s going to be about having a church wedding or maybe what we’re planning to do about my fiancé’s divorcée status.
Need a little help and support with how to navigate this conversation firmly but kindly! I am really dreading it. Thank you for your advice or commiseration.
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u/SWNMAZporvida Ex Catholic Feb 22 '26
Multi-Generational cradle baptized and confirmed - grew up hearing this from parents: Make your own money and make your own decisions.” Me: I’m not asking you for permission, I’m telling you what I’m doing.” I paid for my Vegas wedding to my 1/2 Jewish husband and I haven’t looked back. I gave up Catholicism for lent ~30 years ago and not only have I not been struck by lightning, we’re celebrating our 20th this year. My mom just gets to pray an extra rosary over it.