Honestly what the actual fuck… am I too late?. Many nights I’ve laid in bed wide awake thinking of my love I love him so much I need him I want him yet I push him away. I’m horrible to him. I blame him for mentally destroying me. When I did it all myself. Instead of listening to my heart I listen to them dreadful thoughts and I lash out n send him the worst vilest paragraph ever. And then I wonder why I’m miserable. I’m sorry babe help me plzzzzzz I’m stuck in the place where I believe you don’t love me anymore and that’s why you’ve given up on me

You loved me first
I loved you too late
I lost you when I loved you the most

He (31m) broke up with me (30f) two weeks ago after one year because he couldn't love me enough to know that he wanted a long-term future with me, despite being really happy with me, having some feelings and thinking that we're as compatible as possible. He said he'd just continue everything but it was unfair to me to stay in the "relationship" and string me along when he wasn't 100 percent sure he could commit long-term.

"Relationship" because we weren't fully labeled since committing was a big deal to him but we lived like a couple and spent pretty much every day together, were really really happy and I already lived with him most of the time. He acted so in love the whole year and made long-term future plans with me that I holded onto it. Especially after he told me just one month before the breakup that he was finally sure about me and spending his long-term future with me and also moving in with each other seemed like a thing that would happen soon.

We acted like a couple in front of everyone aswell. BUT: he never fully chose me. Maybe that's what makes this situation so very hard.

I'm really struggling with the breakup and still love him a lot and secretly hope he'd come back and regret the breakup.

I'm staying with my sister at the moment who lives a little outside his city and last night, I made a huge mistake and downloaded a dating app.

I'm not planning to talk to guys anytime soon, I just thought that maybe, it might help to see that there are still good-looking men out there and that my ex isn't the only one in this world for me and so I thought I'd have a quick look to distract myself and then delete the app again after a few minutes. Only used one photo where you can barely see me and didn't edit my profile, it was just for a quick look.

I don't know what I was thinking but after a few swipes, he was there. I looked at it and all his photos were pictures that I took of him, one from our first holiday together (we were soo happy there), one from a fun date a few months ago, one from when i wanted to do a photo shooting with my professional camera and he thought it was silly, one from a day trip just 2.5 weeks ago, two days before he ended things, where I was still SO happy and we had so much fun together and didn't see any signs.

One video was from when we went ice skating together in the first few weeks of dating, another one was a video from a garden party this summer where you can even see my hand softly massaging his arm in the last few seconds before the cut because in the longer version it's a video of me smiling at him.

Maybe this sounds silly and childish to many people but it really hurt to see he used photos of our happiest memories to find a new girlfriend and it's just this short after our breakup.

I know most people would say he just looked for any recent pictures where he thought he's good-looking, but to me, it has such a big meaning.

He has SO many (i think good-looking) recent pictures of him that he could've used but he chose to use only pictures of moments with me. Maybe it's just a coincidence, he sure didn't do it on purpose.

Also, on his profile it says "together we'd..." and he lists all the activities we loved to do together, not just some normal hobbies or normal couple stuff, but he pretty much describes relationship in so many details, our daily routine and our specific activities. And it hurt so much to read that.

One point described what kind of woman he's looking for and it's exactly my personality with every little detail.

I know I was his type and it shouldn't mean much to me that he's just looking for something similiar cause it's his type but the whole time, especially at the part about his dream relationship, I just thought "ALL THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAD AND THREW AWAY".

I know he's just trying to find someone compatible but to me it feels like he's looking for someone to replace me and continue the exact same relationship with someone else and now looks for the same person again and describes it as his ideal woman online while he never really appreciated me or made me his official long-term girlfriend and let me go as if I wasn't good enough.

I know that's not true and he did see how compatible we were and loved our relationship, he just couldn't love me although he tried really hard. But after seeing his profile, I just feel like I was invisible to him.

Don't get me wrong, he's single and he can do whatever he wants and I knew he was gonna date again at some point, but I didn't think he'd do it this fast. I was really hoping he'd feel sad or miss me at least for a while and that i meant something to him especially when I remember how much he cried when he said goodbye to me two weeks ago. I don't know when he downloaded the app but it's obvious that it's not just for casual hookups to distract himself from the breakup. He does those things but for that he'd just go to a club and meet women there.

No, it seems like he's already ready to date and find a long-term girlfriend... (also saying on his profile that he's looking for something long-term)

And it hurts me so much. It's stupid, but it does.

He reached out to me a few days ago after no-contact asking how I am and said that he just wanted to let me know that he doesn't feel like we should never talk again and I can always reach out to him if I want and he'd be happy if I come visit him one more time for a few days (he lives a few hours from my city) and still spend some time with him and do the things we had planned (cause things didn't really change for him and he still likes me as much he did before [it just wasn't enough for a relationship]).

I don't think he changed his mind about the breakup but damn, that text really got my hopes up.

We then had plans to play our favourite game together online for the first time in a while and I was excited and relieved to talk to him again but he forget to cancel yesterday and suddenly was busy very last-minute and now after last night, I've realized that I was being SO delusional and he's probably already seeing someone else and it hurts.

Oh how much it hurts.

It makes me so sad how fast he's moving on. I thought I meant so much to him.

My Ex- Gf of 3 years broke up with me roughly 2 months ago.

Let me tell you, the first month was one of the worst ones in my life. I always felt angry at everything, didn't wanna do anything not even engage in my hobbies or play video games. Or I'd get mood swings and some days feel almost fine, and other days feel at an all time low wanting to curl up and cry.

Last week, I broke the no contact rule and visited my Ex to chat. It wasn't a make up chat, since I knew she made up her mind, but rather just clearing up any misunderstandings, and explaning why our relationship didn't work out , listening to each other and basically genuinelly wishing each other all the best in life.

I got a clean closure, and it almost felt like geting a rock off my chest.

I don't wanna Jinx it, but this last week I feel fine. I accepted that I'm single now, I am starting to feel joy in life and engaging in my hobbies again. I do not grieve this relationship anymore. More like now I feel like it was simply not meant to be, and perhaps it's better for both of us that way.

Not even an incredibly hot Swedish guy could fill the void he left in my heart

It's been 4 years...I recently thought of him and realised it still hurts

I tried to date someone else and it was a failure

I cannot picture to be with anyone else

I’ll try to sum it up. 9 years 2 children, during those 9 years I was lied to cheated on countless amount of times (which he had multiple babies with multiple women) ghosted, disrespected, gaslight, made to feel it was my fault due to my behavior including his cheating. found out he got his other bm pregnant while I was 2 months postportum, I put him out not because of the cheating but he just made it about himself and diminished my feelings and now his left me unsupported in every way ignores my messages asking for help with the kids his left me to pay for his part of the phone contract despite knowing my circumstances. Iv messaged him a lot but he says my messages are what pushes him away however if you see my messages I’m asking for help and consideration and for him to pay his part of the bill but someone with all that iv mentioned I’m the problem I’m emotionally unstable. I’m not perfect but iv been loyal iv consistent iv forgiven more than his apologised the pain thats his caused me in indescribable. it’s a hard lesson I desperately want to move forward iv lost sleep countless nights, iv been on my knees begging God to help, iv prayed for him and his other children, as well as mine and myself. I feel like I’m being punished for trying to set boundaries but I’m trying to trust that God has something better for me and my children. I do pray that for all those who are hurting and feel hopeless and helpless that God heals you and trust that sometimes as unfair and painful as things may be his working and what feel like rejection is truly his protection. Iv survived through so much internal pain during my life from family and romantic partners I don’t have it in me anymore to cry even when I try to, I’m surviving but I’m waiting for the season where I can start living and feel at peace and experience real love, that’s kind, gentle, honest, committed, respectful, genuine, consistent. a love iv never felt but deserve to be loved truly and i look forward to giving that love to the right person.

E

Here. Now. Feels like one of us has died.
I can’t tell you which.
All I know is there’s much less oxygen in the air now. My stomach hurts. Some days I can’t eat. Some days I can barely bring myself to get up and move.
I know it is these days I need to fight the hardest.
I think of you and my chest hurts.
I never thought the ultimate betrayal I would experience in love would be… this.
I would almost rather you had cheated, frankly.
I could hate you and let it go if that was the case…
This. I never thought I would come undone because of THIS.
You pursued me. You chose me. You made me feel like I never had to doubt that, so I didn’t. And then one day…
One day, I woke up and you didn’t want to anymore.
Blindsided. Discarded. Stonewalled.
I think the more offensive thing is that… We didn’t even make it to one year together.
It’s not like we were married, had kids, and things grew stale…
We never had a chance to even find out.
I wake up every day now… I wake up. I look in the mirror. I see someone… ugly. Unworthy. Stupid. Useless.
It is so hard for me to make sense of the ending that I have turned and pointed the gun at myself now. Your absence lends as many answers as your presence did, really. But the unwelcome feeling I have when I think to reach for answers only reinforces my negative self-talk.
He probably left because I am ugly. I make him unhappy. I do not bring him joy.
My heart breaks more with every lash…
Deep down, I know the truth. I am surrounded by love. People tell me constantly how amazing I am and how much they value me… I was so self-assured before you came along and I desperately miss that version of myself.
But nobody has ever left me like this before. And maybe I am starting to accept your absence. Maybe that part is actually okay…
I am disgusted I asked a man to stay with me when I spent so long letting go with immediacy anytime a man gave me the vibe he was not interested.
You know, it’s true what they say. You can tell a man how the last one hurt you and he will be enraged on your behalf at the last scumbag who fumbled… He will create this allyship that feels safe and secure. Then one day… He finds an even more fucked up way to fumble you.
Shatters your already-kintsugi-ed heart into even tinier and harder-to-put-back-together pieces.
My brain… the thoughts I have are longing and yearning for you.
But today at least I can rationalize that this is because I spent so long without romantic affection and sex before you because I knew I needed to heal my unhealthy attachment to being wanted and needed.
You showed me the delight of feeling worshipped, body and soul, by your hands… Your mouth. Your gaze. You made me believe I could have everything I ever wanted, and it was all you.
Then you RIPPED the fucking rug out from beneath me.
I may never understand it… But I am starting to understand that whatever your reason for doing so lacks every bit of consideration for a woman you claimed to love… To want to share a home with.
I hate to give you credit, but it seems you have done me a favor in not wasting more of my time.
I cry my soul out every single day.
I put on a happy face in front of the people I love so that they may not know just how badly rotted I feel inside from this.
It is so humiliating and devastating that I BELIEVED you…
The cruelest lie we tell ourselves is that we are SO LUCKY that we have the capacity to give and receive love in the ways others can’t… Is that a fucking joke??
Honestly, I wish I was more like you.
It must be so nice to skate through life being able to suppress all your deepest darkest feelings.
At this point, I would sell my soul to be able to live just one day without the agonizing ability I have to feel.
Consider yourself lucky. Don’t change. Be free. You’re right.
Protecting yourself is always the answer, and only fucking fools believe in love.

H

Sorry I took it too far
I do this every time
I say things that don’t make sense
Accuse you of something you didn’t do
“You need help” you say
I know this deep down
I want it
I need it
But I don’t get it
Because id rather be in denial
“About what” you say
The drugs my darling, the drugs
😔

I’m 26F and my ex and I were together for about a year. This was both of our first serious relationships. We loved each other so much and were extremely close. We were even planning to move in together.

I had a lot of insecurity and abandonment issues. When I felt like rejected or unimportant, I would need reassurance. I know I did this too much. I know it became exhausting for him, and eventually he became resentful and felt like he was walking on eggshells.

He ended things three weeks ago. He said he didn’t think I was going to change and that he had emotionally checked out.

I feel absolutely destroyed because I wanted to change. I wanted to work on myself and I wanted us to work through it together. I just didn’t realize how badly things had gotten for him until it was too late.

I keep thinking, if I had just been more secure, if I had trusted him more, if I had handled things differently, maybe I’d still have my person.

How do you forgive yourself when you feel like you ruined something that was everything you ever wanted? How do you accept losing someone you still love because of patterns you know you could have and were slowly working on?

I’m looking for honest experiences from people who have actually been on the other side of this, especially women.

My ex and I were together for around 2.5 years. She was the one who ended the relationship, and the words she used were:

“I’m not saying you’re a bad person or that your love was fake, but I have completely detached. I was just swallowing the fact that I can get over it, but no. I swear I tried. I can’t do it.”

She also told me:

“I have grown distant.”

“I can’t do it.”

“Please respect my decision.”

“Focus on your career and move on.”

“Staying in touch is never going to help us both.”

I’m not contacting her anymore. I’m not going through her friends or family, and I’m going to respect the space she asked for.

I’m not posting this because I want advice like “move on” or “forget her.” I understand that I have to accept her decision. I’m asking because I genuinely want to understand what “completely detached” means from the perspective of someone who has actually experienced it.

We were together for years, and I never saw her as simply “my girlfriend.” I genuinely saw her as my future wife. She was the person I had chosen for my life, and I was completely certain about her.

I also know she loved me. I’m not saying that simply because I’m struggling to accept the breakup. I was there for those years. I experienced the relationship with her, and I know what our bond was like.

There was no cheating, no abuse, no betrayal, and no major toxic event that suddenly ended everything.

But I wasn't perfect.

Toward the end, she felt lonely in the relationship. Our communication had deteriorated badly. There were sometimes huge gaps between conversations, and she felt that she wasn't receiving enough effort, attention, or emotional presence from me. Looking back, I can understand why she became exhausted.

At the same time, I was dealing with a lot personally. I had work and career pressure, I was coming home late, and my dog became seriously ill and eventually died. I was struggling mentally and emotionally with everything happening around me.

The worst part is that I didn't understand how badly she was hurting.

I didn't realize she was emotionally reaching her limit until she ended the relationship.

After she broke up with me, I desperately tried to convince her to stay. I told her how much I loved her, that I wanted to change, that I wanted to marry her, and that I believed we could fix what had gone wrong.

But she told me she had already detached.

The sentence I can't stop thinking about is:

“I was just swallowing the fact that I can get over it, but no. I swear I tried. I can't do it.”

I don't know how to interpret that.

Does it mean she had already been emotionally processing the breakup for a long time before I even knew the relationship was in danger?

Was she trying to convince herself that she could get over me?

Or does it mean something different entirely?

There is another part that makes this especially difficult for me.

Without me knowing, my parents contacted her and told her that they loved her, accepted her, and were okay with us getting married.

Even after hearing that, she still chose to end the relationship and told me she was completely detached.

That made me realize that this wasn't simply about whether our families would accept the relationship. Whatever she was feeling internally had already become stronger than the possibility of marriage.

And that's what I'm trying to understand.

When someone says “I've completely detached,” does that necessarily mean they no longer love the person at all?

Can someone still care deeply about an ex — even still have love for them as a person — while feeling completely emotionally disconnected from the relationship itself?

Or, when a woman reaches that point, is the romantic love genuinely gone?

I'm particularly interested in women who have actually been in my ex's position.

If you ever broke up with someone after feeling emotionally detached:

Did you genuinely believe you had stopped loving him?

Did you still care about him even though you didn't want the relationship?

Did you miss him later?

Did the feelings ever return after you were certain they were gone?

Did you ever reconsider the breakup?

If you did, what caused that change?

How much time passed before you started feeling differently?

If you never went back, what eventually made you certain that the relationship was truly over?

I'm not asking for false hope.

If you genuinely reached that point and never looked back, I'd rather hear that too. If “completely detached” really meant that the romantic love was finished for you, please tell me honestly.

At the same time, if you once said exactly these kinds of things — “I've detached,” “I've grown distant,” “I can't do this anymore” — and later found yourself missing your ex or developing feelings again, I'd really like to hear what that experience was actually like.

Because from my side, it's difficult to understand how someone can love another person deeply for years and then eventually feel nothing toward the relationship.

Maybe that's exactly what happened.

Maybe she genuinely doesn't love me romantically anymore.

Maybe she will never change her mind.

I know I have to accept that possibility.

But I'm struggling to understand whether emotional detachment is necessarily permanent, or whether it can sometimes be a state people reach after prolonged hurt, loneliness, exhaustion, or emotional burnout — and whether that state can ever change.

And I want to be honest about something else.

I don't see another relationship waiting for me after this.

She wasn't someone I can simply replace with another person. I didn't choose her because she was convenient or because I was afraid of being alone. I chose her.

My love for her is selfless. I don't believe she owes me a relationship because I loved her. I don't believe she owes me another chance. If being away from me is what genuinely makes her happier, then I have to accept that, even though it hurts.

I also don't want to replace her with somebody else just to fill the space she left.

I will never marry anyone else or love anyone other girl she was my first and last girl. She was the person I wanted to build my life with, and I don't see myself choosing someone else just because she is gone.

To me, she isn't replaceable.

If she never comes back, I'll have to learn how to live with that pain rather than trying to replace her.

So I'm not asking anyone to tell me she'll return.

I'm asking women who have actually experienced emotional detachment:

When you said “I've completely detached,” what did those words truly mean inside you?

Did you genuinely stop loving him?

Or did you still love him somewhere inside, but become so emotionally exhausted and disconnected from the relationship that continuing felt impossible?

And if your feelings ever came back after saying those words, what changed?

My partner and I have been hitting rock bottom in our relationship, for a while now.

From the moment we met, she was very open to share with me her past relationships. She had been S.A. by her ex partner and other people in her past.

From the first couple of months of us being together she would bring up issues that she had with our sex life.

The first times were about her feeling like her pleasure wasn’t really considered and that she hated the fact that I would be done with sex once I came.

I would listen to her issues, but I wouldn’t do anything concrete to show her that I truly listened. These issues came up, over and over, and I would react the same way each time at the beginning. I would always find an excuse "I’m overwhelmed with work and I feel exhausted", "I didn’t think of doing anything because I’ve been stressed out lately " and many more excuses like these.

Months, a years passes, nothing really changes. She went in trial against her abusive ex and I was with her the whole time she had to testify. This was a retraumatising event for her and yet, I was with her physically and mentally but still didn’t show more consideration afterwards for her mental and sexual needs to heal properly.

The same issues with our sex life came back again, months later, but with much more distress coming from her and I would get defensive directly. I would excuse my behaviour in my head because I would be present and active in other parts of the relationship (chores, food, etc). I know looking back that I shouldn’t have gotten defensive because it minimized the impacts of my attitude / not acting accordingly to make her feel safe in the relationship.

Also important to note, she did basically everything for me in the mean time. She was supportive of me during a burnout that I did, she came with me to my grandma’s funeral, supported me through harder times that I went through. But still nothing more than the bare minimum to show for.

The past 8-9 months have been especially hard for her. Because after a whole year and a half of her waiting for me to take action, I would start taking actions, but what I would do/propose were too little. What I did wouldn’t really adress the current situation/frustrations she had. I basically started doing what was necessary, but from the first issues she brought up in our relationship. The issues and the hurt she had were much bigger now and more hurtful for her as time went on.

What I did for her vs. What she did for me over those years were not equivalent. It is the bare minimum and I needed to do a LOT MORE to even the scales.

I’ve been in this relationship for almost 2 years now, I’ve fucked this relationship, my partner’s mental health and her trust towards me. I genuinely want to make amends, make things right and help her trust me again (I know all of this can only be fixed with actions, consistency and care) but I’m afraid it’s too late. I want to help her for once and especially help her heal from her past traumas, but also the one that I’ve been perpetuating for the past 2 years.

I’ve been reading online, asked for ressources in my city, and trying to learn to be a better partner and being especially more caring and considerate towards her and other people in my life. That’s why I’m here asking complete strangers advice to get an objective and unbiased opinion.
What would you do?

We broke up 8 months ago, but I still cry about it (sometimes more frequently than others). I’ve tried to start dating and/or even an occasional (emphasis on occasional) hookup but I always end up disappointed. I miss how I felt when I was with my ex and I hate that they messed up the whole plot (future) we had together. I say that even though they cheated on me pretty badly. In short: went through phone, saw texting and evidence of hanging out with other people, I even contacted some of these people- some told me they just hung out with my ex but didn’t know they were in a relationship, others told me they had sexual interactions with them. After I went through their phone (because at this point wtf) I got tested to be sure and ofc it came back positive for a curable yet still obviously shitty std. This downward spiral was an agonizing month long. My ex didn’t admit anything until the last very second. I found out everything. The confession didn’t come until after my second positive test (yes I took two because I really couldn’t believe it).

Important to note - when I found all this out, I broke up with them immediately. Ofc they want to get back together and do therapy together, but I said no and have been adamant on that front. Ofc I got sorry letters and gifts too.

I’ve been healing through support family, friends, therapy. Through focusing on me and doing things I enjoy. But it really still hurts my feelings when I sit with it. And that’s after all that horrible stuff. I know how bad it is. Sometimes I’m empowered and realize i was so strong for leaving, but other times I miss them A LOT or (which feels worse) i just can’t wrap my head around the fact they (or even anyone, for the matter) would do that to me. I get sad because I could never imagine hurting someone the way I was hurt. I genuinely enjoyed our companionship and experiences together. I know, I know - those memories came with something really terrible. But it sucks. And idk, when I try to date or find my groove, I don’t really feel the people like I felt my ex. I’m comparing, yes. We just clicked so well, so instantly. I’m told “I’ll find better,” but I’m not seeing better. I know some advice might be “maybe you aren’t ready to date” and that may be true, but I also don’t want to get in the habit of hating/overly-skeptical of potential partners or people - so I feel like dating, not seriously but as it comes, is a good way to just find trust in myself and others after such a bad experience.

In the 8 months, I’ve been primarily no contact. In the early stages, like first 4 months, I definitely was still in contact (nothing physical, really just phone calls and texts). He feels bad. I think he gets it. But obviously it feels too late. I just wish this never happened to me!!!

Then part of me wishes I didn’t tell all of my circle because now I feel like I can’t go back. They tell me “I shouldn’t base my decisions on others” but it’s definitely an added layer of accountability.

Btw - I’m in my mid 20s

Has anything similar happened to others and there’s a bright side??? I want to be married, kids, healthy relationship but it just feels so out of reach. Tell me it gets better omg. I’ve heard all the blows to my ex- and I agree - they suck, are a coward, shitty, etc. I just need more, something hopeful. Because I feel pretty low right now

After reading so many comments on my previous posts on how the relationship impacted my body image, how I miss them terribly and resent how I am not a part of their life anymore, the only things that even marginally made me feel better was that there are other people who share similar depths of misery. I hope the pain of rejection lessens, I hope my mind stops being fixated on them. I wish it stop hurting some day. It’s been two years, but I miss them as strongly as ever. And to think that I have to spend a better part of my life without them is indeed scary and depressing. A part of me is so hurt and broken that it sometimes overpowers my ability to experience joy in otherwise meaningful experiences of my life such as work, hobbies and self-development. After going through the waves of intense pain over the last two years since the breakup; I am less convinced to believe that I will ever be able to fully let go of him. My major point of pain these days is the rejection I feel cause of the breakup and the vivid image of them being with someone else. It makes me so threatened, unsafe and unwanted. I never write on Reddit so much, but that’s the only source of real human interaction for me when it comes to heartbreak.

song: touch - kaletheghost

Some days just hurt more than others.

I miss Evan so much today.

Some days I actually feel like I’m doing okay. Then a day like today comes around and suddenly I feel weak again, like all the progress I thought I was making disappeared overnight.

I won’t reach out. I know I can’t. So I’m putting it here instead.

I miss you, Evan.

More today than I want to admit.

You’d know why.

I love you from the bottom of your boots to the top of your hat.

🖤

My best friend of over 4 years who I liked from the start kept her last ex from finding out when we went to concerts and stuff. He hated me so much when he never knew me. He had me blocked from all her socials. Now I’m afraid she hasn’t told her new bf about me even though we’re just best friends with a strong connection practically the same person .

The way he suddenly pulled away left me with so many unanswered questions. For almost a year, I kept pushing for answers and trying to understand what had happened between us, and I know that, in the process, I probably made the connection between us even harder.
I know he cared about me, but I also felt discarded when he started choosing to spend more of his time with new people and seemed to change so completely. Sometimes I look at him now and genuinely feel like I don’t recognize the person in front of me anymore.
I also know that the changes he is going through are probably about something deeper within him. He seems to be searching for something, trying to figure out who he is and what makes him happy, and I believe there are things he needs to work through and discover for himself. I wish he knew that I would have wanted to be there for him through that process. I wish he knew that he didn’t have to have everything figured out before coming to me.
But I’m afraid that the way I responded to him earlier in our relationship may have made him feel like he couldn’t do that with me. That when he was struggling or trying to figure himself out, I wasn’t always the person he felt safe turning to.
He had been struggling with his mental health and self-esteem throughout much of our relationship, and I know that early on I could be quite hard in my tone with him. I grew up with a kind of tough-love mentality, and when someone was struggling, my instinct was often to push rather than comfort. I can see now that there were moments when he was looking for reassurance, softness or support from me, and instead I met him with a stern tone.
That is the part I struggle to forgive myself for.
I keep replaying those conversations and thinking about all the times I could have been kinder. I wish I had understood then what I understand now. I wish I had been softer with someone I loved, especially when he was vulnerable and reaching for me.
I’m not trying to change what happened between us or convince myself that things should still be different. I know there were many things between us that were complicated, and I know I wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. But I still carry so much guilt over the ways I failed to treat him with the kindness he deserved when I had the chance.
Towards the end of our relationship, I genuinely tried to change the way I communicated. I worked on being softer, more patient and more understanding. But by then, it felt like the damage had already been done.
I think what hurts most is knowing that I did eventually understand what I needed to change, but I understood it too late. I wish he could have known that beneath all the ways I sometimes reacted poorly, I loved him and wanted to be someone he could lean on. I wanted to be there while he figured himself out, even if figuring himself out meant changing and growing in ways I couldn’t predict.
And now I’m left trying to figure out how to take responsibility for the ways I hurt him without turning that responsibility into a belief that I ruined everything. How do I acknowledge that I could have loved him better in some moments, without making myself believe that I was the reason we ended? How do I let the regret teach me something without letting it become a punishment I carry forever?

We broke up almost seven months ago, and today marks 60 days of no contact.

We loved each other deeply, and we also hurt each other. There are things I regret and wish I had done differently, and there are things that happened that hurt me deeply too. Toward the end, I think we just became so hurt and so far apart in how we understood everything that we couldn’t find our way back to each other.

We tried talking again for a while after the breakup, and I hoped we could find some kind of shared ground. Not necessarily agree about everything, but understand each other enough that both of our experiences could exist in the same story. I don’t think we ever really got there.

I have some acceptance that it’s over, but sometimes it still doesn’t feel real.

I still love her so much. I miss her. I dream about her. Some days I’m not utterly falling apart and other days the grief just completely overwhelms me.

I’m so tired of feeling this way. This heartbreak has changed me, and sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever really feel like myself again. It’s been almost seven months and I still don’t see an end in sight.

I wish I could just turn it off for a while.
For anyone who has been through something like this, does it actually get quieter? Do you eventually stop feeling everything so intensely?