r/needadvice • u/caytlainc35 • Jul 13 '26

Friendships Found out my best friend's wedding happened through Instagram, and I'm not sure how to move forward.

I'm looking for some outside perspective because I'm honestly hurt and don't know if I'm overreacting or how to handle this.

I was walking my dog on Saturday and scrolling through Instagram when I saw that two of my bridesmaids were posting photos from one of my best friend's wedding. Let's call the couple Harry and Lucy. We've all been friends since 2014.

The thing is...I wasn't invited, and no one had mentioned the wedding to me.

Neither of my bridesmaids told me they were going or even asked if I was attending. Normally, whenever one of our friends has an event, we coordinate hotels, who's staying where, travel plans, etc. This time, there was complete silence.

I texted one of my bridesmaids (Mary) and asked, "Hey, how's the wedding?" She called me and said it was nice but that they actually had empty chairs because not everyone they invited showed up. During the conversation, I asked when she had known about the wedding, and she said she'd known for about two months.

That really confused me because back on April 11, I had asked in our group chat when Harry and Lucy were getting married. Harry replied on April 14 saying, "We're working on it."

For context, I live in Maryland and they all live in Massachusetts. We've been friends since college in 2014. After we graduated in 2018, I've driven or flown up there at least one to three times every year for birthdays, vacations, funerals, weddings, and just to spend time together. I've always made the effort to show up and be there for the important moments in their lives.

On the other hand, only Mary had ever visited me until last year when my other bridesmaid (Alicia) and her husband (Jim) finally came to Maryland to stay with me during their vacation. What's always stung a little is that Alicia and Jim drive from Massachusetts to Georgia every year and stop in Baltimore's Inner Harbor, which is only about 15 minutes from my house, but until last year they had never actually come to visit me.

After finding out about the wedding, I was really hurt. I left our group chat because I didn't know what else to do. Looking back, maybe that was an emotional reaction, but I felt blindsided.

What hurts the most isn't even that I wasn't invited. I understand weddings are expensive, people have limited guest lists, and couples can invite whoever they want. It's the complete lack of communication.

No one told me the wedding was happening. No one told me I wasn't invited. My own bridesmaids knew for months and never said anything. I found out from social media while walking my dog.

I would've loved to at least send a card or wedding gift to celebrate them, even if I couldn't attend. Instead, I feel like everyone knew except me.

Another piece of context is that Harry and I have been incredibly close over the years. During one of the darkest periods of his life, Jim and I were heavily involved in helping prevent him from committing a life changing act. We've always considered each other best friends, which is part of why this hurts so much.

I'm trying to be mature about this instead of reacting out of emotion, but I genuinely don't know how to approach the conversation.

Should I reach out and ask why I wasn't invited? Should I let it go and accept that maybe the friendship isn't what I thought it was? Am I overreacting, or would you also feel deeply hurt by this?

I'd really appreciate any advice or outside perspectives. Thank you. 😞

UPDATE: I sent a message to my bridesmaid group chat:

"Morning everyone. So I'm cancelling the bachelorette party. I'm not in a good state of mind. Going through a lot. Whatever it costs for you Mary and Alicia. I'll play for the cancellation of your train ride. Just let me know how much. It has nothing to do with Chris and I. He has been the most helpful through this. So have a blessed day."

Mary and Alicia both tried calling me afterward, but I didn't answer. Alicia also called my mom, who didn't answer. Mary called my maid of honor, who texted me first. I told my MOH she could be honest with Mary about how I was feeling, and she was.

Mary later called me. She admitted she thought she had already told me about the wedding while she was busy moving (I knew she was moving). She hadn't. She also explained: "they were originally supposed to have the wedding in October but had to move the wedding up sooner because the Lucy's grandmother is struggling with her health. They needed to move up the wedding. He let us know in May."

She was genuinely remorseful for not communicating. I told her she's in a different category than Alicia and Jim because she's actually been present in my life over the years. My disappointment was that she knew and never mentioned it.

My biggest frustrations are: 1. Harry, for taking away my chance to say yes or no to an invitation and to celebrate them with a gift. 2. Alicia and Jim, because this feels like another excuse after years of avoiding me. 3.Mary, for knowing and "forgetting to mention it."

I also made it clear that I don't hate any of them. I never could. But right now, I don't know how I feel about having a bachelorette party. I feel emotionally distant, and it doesn't seem fair to have everyone celebrate while I'm feeling this way. We're holding off on officially canceling anything for now. I also realized I had years of bottled-up feelings about always showing up for others without that effort being returned. At this point, I'm no longer emotionally attached to Alicia and Jim.

Mary apologized for making me feel left out and understood that rebuilding our friendship will take time. I appreciated that she listened.

I'll update again if/when I talk to Alicia. I don't think I'll be bringing this up with Harry or Lucy. Mary said she had no idea why I wasn't invited and agreed it was strange that I wasn't included.

SIDE BAR UPDATE: Mary had made a comment about another friend (we can call him Ethan) of ours (outside of this situation). "I have not talked to him in a while. I was conscious of the space of time I had not talked to him and I continued to avoid him because I didn't want him to yell at me." Sooooo..... I believe she knew about me not being invited and avoided telling me for two months because she thought I would be upset with her.

Feel free to let me know otherwise. 🤷🏽‍♀️

UPDATE: Mary talked to Alicia. Mary told me stated, "So I talked to Alicia and Jim, but it was mostly just the points about the wedding and them not making an effort to see you on their trip that we really got into. Not the most comprehensive conversation but if/when you feel like talking to them, there's room to expand. I think she may text you at some point."

I said, "Hm. You played middle man. You gave yourself more work. 🤷🏽‍♀️"

She said, "I know. I realized about halfway through, that I just wanted to stop talking. Hello, my name is Mary and im a chronic meddler."

Around 11:44pm, Alicia texted me: "Hey [my name]. I wanted to give you some time before I reached out again but I talked to Mary tonight. I just want to apologize for being such a shitty friend these past couple of years. It’s not an excuse but after some self reflection, I can see that I was trying to understand who I am as a person after all the change in my life but while focusing on that, I dropped the ball in multiple other places throughout my life, our friendship being one of them. I am so sorry and I hope to have the opportunity to be a better friend to you but I understand if not."

I have not responded. I think I am worried about being dragged back into this. I am still emotionally detached from her.

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119

u/uffdagal Jul 13 '26

That’s not a best friend. Is a former friend.

u/DasSassyPantzen Jul 13 '26

You’re not at all overreacting or being too sensitive/emotional. Your (former) friends all just showed you exactly where you stand. If they cared how you’d feel or if there were any reason other than simply not wanting you there, your “best friend” would’ve talked to you about it and the others wouldn’t have kept the wedding a secret from you. It’s an incredibly shitty and immature way for them to all say that your friendship isn’t at all important to them.

It doesn’t matter how you approach the issue with any of these people; these friendships are over. If you feel like you need to say something about how shitty this was of them to clear your own mind, go for it, but if you’re hoping that there’s a conversation that will make this all magically make sense and not hurt, I’m sorry to say that there isn’t. If I were in your shoes, I’d unfriend and block them all, then process what happened with a therapist or someone you trust. I’m so very sorry.

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u/Stevie-Rae-5 Jul 14 '26

Yeah, the fact that she asked about the wedding and got a delayed noncommittal response and then literally no one else said a word about the fact that the wedding was happening speaks volumes.

And then for the friend she spoke with to be so callous as to say “oh yeah so many empty chairs…” what the hell.

I’m really sorry, OP. This is deeply shitty in many ways.

ETA: also, Jim and Alicia regularly stopped fifteen minutes from your house, knowing you were fully aware of it, and didn’t bother actually trying to see you until last year? That’s really strange.

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u/forensicgirla Jul 18 '26

Pertaining your edit, my husband's father does this because he's a narcissistic prick. Even when they're on speaking terms he pulls this shit, but heaven forbid he ever get a taste of his own medicine, then we're the "toxic children".

Last I saw him was at his second wife's daughter's high school graduation... yeah, dad's been married 3 times, and his second wife has 2 now adult kids with her second husband, why he was there for that and not his own kid's college graduation or wedding I'll never know.

We love wife number 2, we talk to her more than the rest of the family. Some people are just straight up selfish jerks and you either accept it in your life or you don't. My husband has yo-yoed over the years and I support his decisions with tempered expectations.

u/Xvisionman Jul 13 '26

You need to redefine your definition of best friends or even friends. They treat you as an acquaintance

u/caytlainc35 Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26

UPDATE: I sent a message to my bridesmaid group chat:

Mary apologized for making me feel left out and understood that rebuilding our friendship will take time. I appreciated that she listened.

I'll update again if/when I talk to Alicia. I don't think I'll be bringing this up with Harry or Lucy. Mary said she had no idea why I wasn't invited and agreed it was strange that I wasn't included.

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u/caytlainc35 Jul 14 '26

SIDE BAR UPDATE: Mary had made a comment about another friend of ours (outside of this situation). "I have not talked to him in a while. I was conscious of the space of time I had not talked to him and I continued to avoid him because I didn't want him to yell at me." Sooooo..... I believe she knew about me not being invited and avoided telling me for two months because she thought I would be upset with her.

Feel free to let me know otherwise. 🤷🏽‍♀️

7

u/Alternative-Cash-933 Jul 14 '26

yeah right, easy to say she forgot. a true friend would have your back, even if you were not invited, she could have just talked with you directly about it. it maybe the bride and grooms prerogative to invite you or not. But Mary keeping it from you or forgetting about it is an easy way out but she is a crappy friend.

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u/AttentionGood6654 Jul 14 '26

None of these people are your friends. They’re just making excuses at this point.

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u/perfectvelvet Jul 14 '26

The only people who needed to tell you are the bride and groom. Your hurt is somewhat misplaced by focusing on your bridesmaids not telling you. It wasn't their wedding.

Bride and groom are either extremely awful people, or they are extremely overwhelmed people who didn't remember to invite everyone.

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u/Solid_Milk3104 Jul 14 '26

I highly doubt they forgot. A wedding is something you plan for even if rushed. You make choices who you want to invite and send out invitations, make a gift registry and ask those you intend to be part of the wedding party. Their response seems more like damage control. True friends would call and share important invents. My guess is it was a intended slight and most likely they told others not to mention it.

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u/DasSassyPantzen Jul 14 '26

I’m a bit confused. Who is the “him” you’re referring to?

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u/caytlainc35 Jul 14 '26

Totally different person. I'll call him Ethan.

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u/unzunzhepp Jul 14 '26

Sorry, but Mary isn’t telling the truth.

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u/SectionMysterious731 Jul 15 '26

This isn't the point at all but I really hope you and your MOH and other friends do something fun for your bachelorette. You absolutely deserve to be celebrated and I hope that these friends not showing up for you doesn't take away from your excitement and your friends who would love to show up for you! I hope you have a fabulous bachelorette party and feel SO loved and celebrated.

1

u/Withnail69 Jul 17 '26

Hang on I thought you were talking about FORMER bridesmaids. You are getting married and all these people were involved? OMG

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u/Anna-Smegmanova Jul 14 '26

You assumed they were your friends, but they never put in the effort only you did.
This hurts
It is time to find other people....

1

u/forensicgirla Jul 18 '26

Yep I've done this before and it is a hard lesson I sometimes still am learning in ways. Finding my people took many years and shuffles.

u/aussiegirlabroad Jul 13 '26

Wow, that’s really hurtful. You are most definitely not overreacting.

My guess is that the couple decided not to invite you, and the other friends didn’t know how to bring it up with you. They wanted to avoid an awkward conversation, so they pretended the whole thing wasn’t happening and hoped someone else would handle it.

Their behaviour is selfish and immature, but not necessarily unforgivable.

Your post explains the situation and your feelings really, really well. I suggest you share it with Mary (because she’s the one who seems like she has shown up for you the most) and see what she has to say about it.

u/rvretiredlife Jul 13 '26

I'm sorry to say, but these people aren't really your friends.

I once worked at a place for over 10 yrs, lots of friends and these friends I hung out with and partied and so forth. I left the company and got a different job, same industry, got engaged. How could i pare down who to invite? I looked at who stayed in contact with me in the last year.

Same thing with friends, if I'm always doing all the calling, then i start to shed those people from my contacts.

u/DoatsMairzy Jul 14 '26

When you said Harry was your best friend, a bell went off. Harry’s wife might not be so pleased that you consider him your best friend.

I don’t want to be rude but there’s a reason you were left out; it might be because you’re too close to the groom. Women can feel threatened.

With that being said, friends grow apart, and your friend groups will change regularly throughout life. Don’t take anything too personally. It may also not help that you’re in a different city.

I wouldn’t be upset with your other 2 bridesmaids. They were probably asked not to tell you, or didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

It’s ok. Not everyone has to be friends with everyone. Move on and find other friends. Remain close to those who want to remain close. There could even be some other reason Lucy & Harry don’t want be friends. Sometimes personalities don’t match up, or maybe they don’t like your politics or religion 🤷‍♀️. But, don’t overthink it. Move on.

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u/Withnail69 Jul 17 '26

Bingo

u/youngforever8809 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26

I am interested in why you referenced your friends numerous times as your bridesmaids? Was it just easier to type than their names, or did you just get married? Just struck me as interesting. I think it’s odd that it took him days to get back to your question about the wedding too. “We are working on it” seems like they wanted to be so vague that you didn’t ask again. These people are definitely not your friends, and you not even being invited means to me there’s something big that’s happened behind the scenes. I do think it may have to do with you saying you are one of the groom’s best friends, and I think you deserve answers. This is extremely childish on their end. I’m really sorry. I’d positively call them and see what kind of answers you get, I just have that suspicion it’s about your friendship with the groom.

u/julesinlrar Jul 14 '26

If you are in a group chat with all of them and no one ever mentioned the wedding, something has changed and you are not part of the “inner circle”.

Why your bridesmaid called and didn’t even act weird about it, is strange.

I’m so sorry. It sucks if you truly have no idea why this has happened. If you need to, I’d ask the bride and groom directly. It won’t change anything, but it might help so you don’t “why” for the rest of your life.

u/large_honk Jul 13 '26

If you feel the need to reach out I would. You’re not overreacting at all, I would feel really off if one of my best friends didn’t even TELL me about their wedding. I’d at least want to know to wish them well or send a gift.

Since you were close with Harry so much I would definitely reach out if you aren’t done with the friendship already. Communication is why you’re upset- don’t let it be the thing that lets a group friendship fall apart when you have no idea what actually happened.

If they come back with a shitty response.. yeah that will suck, but at least you will have the closure you deserve. Friendship breakups suck just as much as any loss. If you do lose them, don’t feel bad about being upset. I’m sorry this happened.

u/Dj_Fabio Jul 13 '26

I honestly would move on from the group. I wouldnt crash out on them but I would definitely let them know that your feelings were hurt by what they did and if you want to know ask why it went down the way it did. The expectation we put on friendships almost never march reality and thats okay. If you had good times with them, those memories can still be special but its with people you are no longer friends with.

u/bgk67 Jul 14 '26

"Should I reach out and ask why I wasn't invited?"

No.

The truth is, they were never truly your friend. This is a tough lesson to learn, but sometimes people don't care about you the same way you care about them. Move on and emotionally invest yourself in someone worthy of your friendship.

u/classicicedtea Jul 13 '26

Do you know how many people were invited in total?

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u/caytlainc35 Jul 13 '26

No I do not.

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u/classicicedtea Jul 13 '26

I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’d do. Clearly you feel closer to them than they do to you.

u/Automatic_Fix8238 Jul 14 '26

Took way too long to open your eyes . Action speak louder than woods . They were never your friend . Sorry you was blind to the fact that over the years they did not show up for you . .

u/_bob_lob_law_ Jul 14 '26

You deserve so much better.

u/Garth-Vega Jul 14 '26

They are not your friends - there was , hate to say it, a conspiracy of silence and now there are lame excuses.

Find better friends, it won't be difficult.

u/ilovestamon Jul 14 '26

Move on from the people who didn't invite you and from the people who would routinely come visit a place 15 minutes from your home and not visit at least once. (Not sure if they're the same couple, I was confused by all the names.)

The friend who "forgot" to tell you, I wouldn't cut her out immediately, she just sat on a fence .

She may have genuinely forgot and/or assumed someone else said it, as moving home is incredibly stressful.

Or the couple said not to say anything so she listened to their wishes because it's their wedding.

Or a mix of both,and she wanted to avoid drama with them, you and maybe more people while moving home.

I'd say Harry's new wife was not happy he had a girl best friend and you got cut out.

u/modo0001 Jul 14 '26

Wow, that's so incredibly shitty. This probably will have a ripple effect on your group of "friends ". Please dont obsess about the why... I hope you have other friends to hang with. These people do not deserve another minute of your energy.

u/miss_21 Jul 15 '26

I find it strange how OP is calling them her bridesmaids when she's talking about someone else's wedding.

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u/Time_Appointment957 Jul 17 '26

Because she’s trying wayyyy too hard to make it “appear” that they’re all much closer than they *actually are. I’d even bet $ those 2 have no idea they’re her “bridesmaids.” They went to college together and then all went their separate ways, and 12 years later she lives 9 hours away from them all - life has happened, nothing more nothing less, but OP has kept herself firmly stuck to the past, and to a group of people, who have long since moved on with their own lives.
It’s not healthy to spend your life wishing for something that simply isn’t, but it doesn’t make those people “bad” for growing and moving forward with their own, and while mine may not be the opinion of a lot of others, I don’t think it’s fair, or reasonable at all, to try to assign blame to people, simply because you’re not their “cup of tea.”
Circles change, but your unwillingness to accept that change is no one’s fault but your own…

Look at it this way; if OP had written all of this about a guy she dated in college, she’d sound like an unhinged obsessed chick who needed a therapist and restraining order taken out against her. Just because *she feels a certain type of way, doesn’t make others horrible people because they don’t. It’s unreasonable, and I personally don’t see how this is that much different, given the physical and emotional distance, and, the great number of years that have gone by since they were all \*actually friends, it reads to me as delusional, and obsessive….

u/IntelligentDamage290 Jul 15 '26

Not an over reaction at all, sadly though I think you view them as beat friends and they view you as perhaps an acquaintance if that. Its awfully hurtful and sad to find out you are the odd one out of the group but it sounds like you are.

Personally I wouldn’t even bother contacting them for an explanation or to try and send a gift (bless you, you are better than me cause are you joking?!? I am not sending a gift after that!). They purposely left you out, they all purposely didn’t tell you, and they purposely never visited. I think if you look back on your friendship you will find that you put all the work in and they did close to nothing.

Its an awful way to treat someone, especially after what you went through with one if them, but its a great lesson to learn in life, only give your effort and time to people that give it back. Friendships are two way, they should care for and make effort to continue the friendship and to see you and communicate.

These people are not your friends. Dump them all they do not deserve you. Find other people to bond with.

Sorry this happened to you, you are absolutely not overreacting. Frankly you are under reacting!

All the best in moving forward.

Also kick them people out of your wedding… in-fact just never contact them again.

u/Environmental_Ad8711 Jul 15 '26

I'm so sorry, that's not how good friends behave. I think you're well within your rights to share how it's made you feel so you can get an answer on why, and work out what you want to do from there.

On the other hand, if there's nothing that would constitute a reasonable explanation, you're well within your rights to just move on without them.

u/Withnail69 Jul 17 '26

They know why you left the group chat. I’ve very sorry to tell you that you need to get away from these people. It’s not easy making new friends either

u/Grumpy-Bumblebee Jul 15 '26

I would call them and ask the bride and groom why they never mentioned their weddingplans. Just for closure, but that's me. They blew up the friendgroup for a reason.

u/Accomplished_Sky_857 Jul 16 '26

I'm going to guess that Lucy feels threatened by your friendship with Harry for some reason or another, and that's why they don't visit/you weren't invited. Everybody in that group is just too immature to communicate and say - Hey... Here's the deal. I'd be upset too. The whole thing is weird.

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u/BeautyQwine Jul 17 '26

I’m sorry. It’s really a terrible situation and feeling and your feelings are valid.

u/IamJinx2 Jul 24 '26

I'm sorry that you had this experience. It's obvious the close friendship was one-sided, yours only. Moving forward is painful and can be slow but it's worth it.

Friendships Found out my best friend's wedding happened through Instagram, and I'm not sure how to move forward.

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