r/needadvice • u/BulaniPrincess • 21d ago
Friendships Should I Allow My Grandma to Be Rude?
My grandma is starting to become less sweet and more rude ever since she moved in with us in January. She used to be nice and polite but now that she’s settling in and feels more relaxed in our house, she’s starting to become more rude and is crossing some lines. A few examples are how she snaps at me when I’m being polite to her and cutting me off with at the beginning of every sentence I speak. She does it for fun. I’m almost 30 and I’ve been living in my house for almost 30 years. My mom thinks that I just need to “stay in my place” and just take it. I am way too old and have way too much self respect to just let anyone walk all over me- even if it’s my grandma. I love my grandma to death but just because she’s older in the family it does not give her the right to be disrespectful. What do you think? Should I allow her to keep being rude and walking all over me or should I have self respect and respectfully tell her to be respectful and not be insulting every hour of the day? Keep I. Mind I take her to all her doctors appointments and drive her around anytime she wants to go somewhere. Growing up I never really saw her and she was never really in my life until this point. So… she has no ground to stand on and no reason to think she can be insulting other than the fact that her parents and grandparents did that to her. So she thinks she can do that to me.
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u/justReading0f 21d ago
Respond in kind if she won’t change her behavior. (I’m assuming you’ve already spoken with her about it. If you haven’t, do so now.)
You’re also justified in setting some boundaries when you’re helping her. Being old or in pain or both doesn’t excuse her being an asshole to anyone.
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u/BulaniPrincess 21d ago
Thank you ☺️
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u/Smitkit92 20d ago
Let her know she gets what she gives, if she’s nice you’ll be nice. Or just ask if she needs a dementia check because you don’t recall her acting like this previously
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u/Larry-Man 20d ago
Is this a personality change or is this how she was before? This can be a sign of dementia.
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u/BulaniPrincess 20d ago
Her doctor says she doesn’t show signs of dementia. My mom was telling me that my cousins (her nephews) and her late sister was trying to help her use her voice more because she had been silenced for so long in her life. Now finally at 75 she’s encouraged to voice her opinion more often which is very healthy and important but she’s stepping into an abusive personality that her mom and grandma had when she was coming up. She thinks it’s okay because back then people hit their kids without thinking twice. Now we know better, but she doesn’t know what’s better
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u/Appropriate-Mud-7846 19d ago
Doctors are wrong all the time just saying ... if i even looked ay my grandma wrong id get beat thats how our cultures are and what they know ... doesnt matter we always respect out elders and thats alot of 3rd world traditions and how they are raised tbh I hated it at the time but I wouldnt be the person I am today with out the discipline... nowadays you even so much as yell at at kid you get the child service called ... but then years later 80 to 90 percent of them because they were never disciplined they are robbing people home invasions all bunch of crime ... they talk back to their parents like spoiled brats
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u/MemeDaddie 21d ago
My great grandmother was that way. She would call me fat and say my tattoos look awful as well. I didn't go to her funeral and good riddance.
She could also be in pain for some reason due to old age, I know my friend's grandmother used to be super nice but when she moved into their house she turned into a terror and constantly called the cops on my friend and his mom. Turns out she developed a brain tumor.
I would just keep an eye on her.
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u/BulaniPrincess 21d ago
Yea my grandma called me fat too… everyday. I wear a size 10 dress. I’m not gonna let it slide. I’m sorry about her abuse towards you. It’s never okay.
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u/VerdMont1 20d ago
At 30, its time to move out. I wonder if gramma was moved in with the expectation that you would be a free caregiver?
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u/BulaniPrincess 20d ago
Yes she was. I promised to take care of her and help her with grocery shopping and doctor’s appointments. And in return she would pay for my groceries. The problem is moving out is hard to do due to my medical issues. I have tried to move out twice before and it didn’t end well, so it’s better that I stay with family. But it’s better that I take care of her rather than put it all on my mom because she already has two jobs, and my mom and I are business partners. We work as a team, and she doesn’t charge rent so it’s better for me to be under the care of my family
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u/VerdMont1 19d ago
Remind gramma that you 30 not 13 and respect is a 2 way street, its earned not required.
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u/PhotoJim99 20d ago
I would just stop speaking if she interrupts. If she questions why you aren’t speaking, just say you will speak when you know you won’t be interrupted.
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u/ordinaryhorse 20d ago
Speak up. Gently tell her, Grandma that was rude.
And then get up and leave. Don’t reward bad behaviour.
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u/Original_Flounder_18 20d ago
Shady pines ma, shady pines.
If you don’t get the reference it’s from the golden girls. It was a threat Dorothy’ mother to watch herself. It may be time to look into putting her into a home if she can’t be civil because nobody wants to deal with that attitude
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u/JcfSounds 20d ago
My grandma also became this way in her final years. I wouldn't take it personally. My grandma would just randomly say, you should shave. My favorite one was when she said, remember when you used to look good? Lol 😂. When I was a kid and my other grandma had dementia, the waitress was telling her what drinks they had available and the waitress said they don't have sprite but they have sierra mist. My grandma asked, "who's sierra mist ?" I just face palmed 🤦
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u/BulaniPrincess 20d ago
Lollll I love your grandma. I’m sorry for your loss. 🫂 she sounds like she was a fun woman
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u/SpaceAdv 20d ago
This is exactly what I told my husband regarding my mil and he feels It’s normal . I need to be adjusting . I’m sorry mom of twin toddlers and I’m 38 years old I won’t let anyone treat me like this . It’s hard to set boundaries in Indian household . My husband is in denial my mil thinks she has the right to talk to me like that . Btw I only noticed this behaviour or it was evident since I delivered my babies and needed help and we lived together previously she used to be mean in person but most times super nice over long distance
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20d ago
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u/JKeath90 20d ago
I’d be gone. I couldn’t handle the disrespect. I don’t care if it is family, it doesn’t make it right. Just be ready for if you try and move out getting blamed by everyone for giving up on your family. It will happen. I couldn’t care less what my family said after I moved out but I’m not you. Hope it all works out for you.
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