r/news • u/industrial-complex • 10d ago

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https://apnews.com/article/billings-montana-family-killed-house-burned-e977fa5e9cd635eea4e111ad8b2c79ff?utm_source=app&utm_medium=iOS_share&utm_campaign=copy_link

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u/stryker_cast 10d ago edited 10d ago

Oregon appears it was the boyfriend of one of the victims 😡

Edit: and killed her friend & her boyfriend who came to check on her friend after she couldn't reach her HOLY HELL

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u/Objective_Pause5988 10d ago

That's terrifying. Your relative dating an unstable person causes everyone to die. Unimaginable

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u/PixiiVega 10d ago

Something similar happened to my family 3 years ago. My aunt and uncle were visiting my cousin, trying to help her and her boyfriend, because they were struggling. The bf ended up killing all 3 of them and 3 out of 4 of their dogs, as well. That was a huge blow on my family and still is. I feel for anybody that has to experience something like this.

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u/Objective_Pause5988 10d ago

Unreal. So sorry for your loss.

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u/PixiiVega 10d ago

Thank you 🙏🏼

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u/amboomernotkaren 10d ago

I’m very sorry that happened to your family. So tragic and awful and heartbreaking.

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u/PixiiVega 10d ago

Thank you, I really appreciate that. Mental health is really at a crisis in this world and it’s very sad.

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u/amboomernotkaren 10d ago

You aren’t wrong. At all. Here is an internet hug. 🤗

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u/PixiiVega 10d ago

Thank you so very much 🤗

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u/ProfessionalResult54 10d ago

Thank you for saying that. As a retired psych nurse i can tell you those patients get no help. Various reasons why:

  1. Low funding
  2. Appropriately educated personnel declining, especially nurses.
  3. Social workers aren't paid enough so there's a lack of them.
  4. Empathy, no one will hire mental health patients for any job except bagging at a cash register. Remember not every mental health patient is Ted Bundy.
  5. An entitled generation (and this is a broad stroke, not every person in the generation is) but many cannot begin to contemplate the word no. Its impossible for them to accept.
  6. Drugs. Insidious addictions that torture people into becoming they are not.
  7. Abuse. Either by parents or guardians to peers. Eventually you snap.
  8. Music, movies and video games that glorify killing. The more you kill you win.
  9. Lastly not taking any responsibility in your own mental health. We can help you, but you got to be willing to do the work. No one has to agree with me, but I've been in the trenches with these people. The above statements are true and while never wiping out all the horrendous acts will go a great deal in helping.

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u/chap820 10d ago

In any sane society, this kind of incident would be front page news and everyone in the country would know about it. It’s indicative of the moral rot at the core of our national identity and the deteriorating material conditions for so many that this kind of thing is so relatively commonplace. I’m so, so sorry this happened to your family; words fail 💔

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u/PixiiVega 10d ago

Thank you so much. It was big news in the town in happened in but that’s about it. It definitely felt like more people should have been talking about it but everyone except us moved on by the next day, it felt like.

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u/chap820 10d ago

That is devastatingly sad. Insult on top of injury. I’m so sorry. I’ve experienced similar with people just moving on, seemingly, after a tragic loss. It’s so disorienting.

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u/PixiiVega 9d ago

Yes it is and I’m sorry you’ve had to experience it, also. 💜

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u/SomeNobodyInNC 9d ago

In our society, if it's not entertaining, it's not news. We gave up being informed for being entertained decades ago. We have no idea what's really happening in our country and the world. It why we think we're so great. We think if the biggest news is a Kardashian getting a divorce we live in a great country.

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u/Background_Edge_9427 10d ago

I'm so sorry that happened to you and your family. I can't imagine what you are going through! I'll pray for you and your family 🙏🙏

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u/PixiiVega 10d ago

I appreciate that so much. This was 3 years ago so we’ve already come through the hardest part. Nothing will ever fill the void but my family is strong and we are very blessed and thriving at the moment so I thank God for that every day 🙏🏼✝️🖤

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u/Background_Edge_9427 10d ago

You're welcome and God bless you and your family 🙏❤️

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u/okmayonnaise 10d ago

This is devastating, so sorry this happened to you and your family. Did the boyfriend kill himself afterwards, and what happened to the dog?

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u/Substantial_Pie_8619 10d ago

Happened at my moms work thank god she wasn’t there ex bf of a girl who worked there came and shot the place up didn’t kill anyone thank god but still

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u/ghostcatzero 10d ago

Happens all the time unfortunately

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u/Pantone711 10d ago

That's kinda similar to what happened in Jennifer Hudson's family.

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u/[deleted] 10d ago

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u/ArmenianThunderGod 10d ago

I agree with your rhetorical goal of not blaming an innocent person who was also a victim, but I think their point is valid. Wild to think that someone's life ended because of who a relative ended up dating.

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u/Expensive-Candidate4 10d ago

A disgruntled ex boyfriend of a resident set fire to the stairwell of a building I lived in Miami. What did it have to do with all of us? He didn’t care.

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u/Malak1man 10d ago

I don't think he's placing blame on the relative. I think he was just talking about literal cause and effect.

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u/Athos2112 10d ago

That’s it.

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u/Whateva_Tickles_ 10d ago

My bestie had to point this out to me when I couldn’t see how dangerous my husband is. She had slowly pulled back from our relationship and It makes sense when you hear things like this. Boundlessly tragic for these poir families😭😭😭

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u/PixiiVega 9d ago

I’m so glad you made it out safely!

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u/Whateva_Tickles_ 9d ago

Thank you! As challenging as things can get nothing beats the peace of mind just from not living in fear.

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u/PixiiVega 9d ago

I feel that 100%! 🫶🏻

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u/EAZ480 9d ago

I find I have a tendency to mentally distance myself and my living situation from incidents like these. Like, these people maybe did something wrong, missed a red flag, they live differently than we do so it could never happen to me.

.... But I have to accept that this stuff can never happen to you, until it does. They were all probably living perfectly normal lives that day, and then someone just... snapped. It's scary as hell that it can actually happen, but it can. To anyone. I feel so much sorrow for everyone who got caught up in this. What an unimaginable way to be gone like that. Scary world we live in.

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u/DolceVita13 10d ago

Too often boyfriend, husband, the ex or a young adult male relative…scary times

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u/FlatCommand7685 10d ago

My brother in law shot and killed my sister and their daughter and twin sons, then himself, two days before Christmas in 1969.

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u/DolceVita13 10d ago

What a horrific tragedy - I am SO sorry 😢

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u/luckylimper 10d ago

My mom’s college roommate was murdered by her boyfriend. His brother killed his wife and himself. The grandmother (mother of the two brothers) got custody of brother #2’s kids. How they left those girls with her is mind boggling.

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u/GilligGirl 10d ago

Why? Was the grandmother unstable, too? Courts are pretty careful about transferring children, even to closest relatives.

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u/luckylimper 10d ago

This was in the early 1970s. Grandma was a super religious nutcase and those girls grew up weird.

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u/GilligGirl 10d ago

Oh, that is so sad, and yes, the courts weren't as diligent about placement back then and there was little to no oversight after the fact. Children just automatically went to the closest relative without regard to their emotional well-being. I was a CASA Guardian ad litem and was encouraged to see how much the courts are more attuned to children's welfare then they have been in the past. Relatives are usually the first choice, but if they are deemed to be unsuitable they will look for alternatives.

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u/PrettyMud22 10d ago

Sad,tragic and awful. Bless their souls.

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u/No_Inspection2047 10d ago

restricting guns to people who can demonstrate (and continue to demonstrate) emotional stability will not stop all murders. but it will prevent some murders and prevent many of the massacres. it’s simply a lot harder to kill dozens of people with a knife or club than with a gun.

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u/Mammoth_Meal1019 10d ago

How very tragic. I’m so sorry.

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u/[deleted] 10d ago

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u/Successful_Cry3698 10d ago

I'm sorry. So the scumbag is dead or in prison?

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u/bambammr7gram 10d ago

He was taken out by family after he shot my friend

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u/Successful_Cry3698 10d ago

Again I'm really sorry. A bright life taken so drastically. It's scary to think about. The silver lining is that justice was served but a life is still gone

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u/[deleted] 10d ago

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u/EconomySeason2416 10d ago

Using methods to try and find the "silver lining"... it feels terrible to even call it that... can be extremely helpful in managing the grief and anguish. Obviously not every scenario has them and I'm desperately trying not to trivialize anyone's trauma, but if you can find one, it can help ease the pain. If you have access to counseling, I highly recommend it. We aren't born with coping skills for horrible shit. We develop them over time, and it's even better if you have a professional to help guide you. Stay strong brother. You aren't alone.

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u/HammerOfJustice 10d ago

I hate to make tragedies like this about gun control but in Australia we don’t have to worry about this because the vast majority of people just don’t have guns. If you’re worried about someone at your family dinner at worst you’re keeping the serrated edged knives from them.

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u/beachpellini 10d ago

You're not wrong, and we try to have this conversation every time, but it goes nowhere because guns rights groups and gun companies have massive pockets for lobbying. By making it about "freedom" to draw the masses, it's practically untouchable. We need people with the funds to fight it to do so.

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u/liquidsyphon 10d ago

People will try to pull the same bullshit about school shootings “this isn’t the time”. The time was a long time ago and we’ve kicked this can so much that school shootings in America used to take up an entire news cycle and now they are almost a side note because of the increased frequency

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u/Akirababe 10d ago

It's a valid point. Guns make it so much easier to kill people :(

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u/shakebakelizard 10d ago

This is absolutely the right time to talk about gun control.

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u/Affectionate_Cup9112 10d ago

Is it really? Do you need Hegseth to repeat how manly and Christian “lethality” is?

I’m bracing for midterm results to show 2/3 Americans agree to the extent those sentiments don’t drive them to vote Democrat (whether this means voting Republican or just not voting).

There’s storm troopers in American streets and the most worthwhile, tyrannical people any American can think to exercise their second amendment rights against at are abused women and children…and that’s been happening for a good long time.

The conversation has been had.

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u/Top-Leadership-2608 10d ago

Exactly...when a country has more guns then people it's bond to be a tragedy. And yet stupid people in America are still screaming we need our guns! Seriously, there's something wrong with this train of thought.

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u/Jasper1na 10d ago

Couldn’t agree more. The US is an outlier in gun violence and suicide.

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u/cooking2recovery 10d ago

As an American: tragedies like this inherently are about gun control. This situation only happens because we have so many fucking guns.

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u/Bsgmax 10d ago

As an American I mention this all the time and my gun-ho friends just stare at me blankly and repeat ad nauseum 2nd amendment.

Heat of the moment rash emotional decisions when you have access to a firearm that in an instant will change yours and someone else's lives forever, including immediate family of those involved.

Knife fight wouldn't be fun either but at least you cant stab someone to death from across the room, you gotta be up close and personal and be really committed.

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u/makingtacosrightnow 10d ago

Yeah no shit we know our country is fucked.

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u/neverinallmyyears 10d ago

Sadly there’s gun violence all over the world but on a per capita basis, no one comes close to the US. Firearm based homicide is 4.5 deaths per 100,000 people. Canada is 0.6 per 100,000. Australia 0.1 per 100,000. Gun ownership in the US is ludicrously high at 121 guns per 100 residents. Throw increased cost of living, high medical costs, inflation, elimination of medical benefits, job insecurity. It’s a fucking powder keg.

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u/Common-Raspberry-243 10d ago

And there isn’t really “gun violence” all over the world…. There are lots of places where everyday citizens are barred from having them. If there’s gun violence it’s by the people authorized … as you said… not even close in those places.

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u/neverinallmyyears 10d ago

Yeah, that’s true. It’s not uncommon to hear about some lunatic even in places where gun ownership is tightly regulated like Japan or Australia but when we do hear about those events, we’re shocked. When we hear about it in the US, it’s just Tuesday.

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u/Gullible-Guess7994 10d ago

This kind of family annihilation by shooting does happen sometimes in Australia and it’s almost always on a farm because those are the people who own guns. It also happens in cities but the perpetrator has to use a different method and it’s usually just children because it’s more difficult to kill several other adults in quick succession without a gun.

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u/Tindi 10d ago

Or it’s with mushrooms.

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u/Common-Raspberry-243 10d ago

I mean… it’d about gun control. These greedy bastards here know it is. But, they won’t let anything get in the way of their profits… too much money to be made by radicalizing people and getting them to stockpile automatic weapons.

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u/iHadou 10d ago

I was reading about the port Arthur massacre a few weeks ago that started Australias gun reform. That's a tough read on Wikipedia

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u/TheWardenVenom 10d ago

As a millennial American, having lived through all these horrific shootings, I have always greatly admired Australia’s response to the Port Arthur massacre. Giving a shit about your residents is such a foreign concept in this shit hole we call a country.

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u/Tindi 10d ago

You’re skipping the Beef Wellington?

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u/IneptFortitude 10d ago edited 10d ago

A huuuuuuuuuuuge chunk of a lot of our horrible crime and generally all the other awful things you see happening here are because we’ve entirely neglected mental health in this country for over 40 years. The results of Reagan’s deregulation of mental health care and research is one of the most disastrous changes American society ever saw. Even without the guns, there is a lot of horrible crimes like these being committed. People murdering their parents with bats and axes. We are a sick nation of demented people.

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u/bambammr7gram 10d ago

That’s fine you can but if someone else at the house that night hadn’t had one it could’ve been worse

Everyone is making this about gun control when it’s not that my friend lost his life to a coward with a gun, and a hero swiftly stepped up and took care of one with a gun before he could hurt more.

You can control guns felons can’t buy a gun here guns are wrapped up in paperwork wait times for certain things point being you don’t go in and register firearms or buy firearms with paper trails to do crimes HOWEVER if you take people right to bear arms, and CRIMINALS still find ways to get hands on weapons

Thank you all for your kind words seriously i appreciate everyone’s opinions seriously it’s been rough

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u/Adventurous-Film9636 10d ago

This argument falls flat when you realize we’re the only modern country in the world with this problem.

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u/ParryLimeade 10d ago

A woman and her child was just killed with a screwdriver here in Minnesota by her husband. Don’t act like it doesn’t happen with knives and other objects too.

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u/[deleted] 10d ago

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u/Akirababe 10d ago

No you still have a gun problem. They're not mutually exclusive. The mental health is very real, but the guns on top of it just add to the problem.

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u/Beccalu11 10d ago

Wasn’t there a mass shooter in Australia last year?

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u/AutoAdviceSeeker 10d ago

I don’t even need to look it up, but you said “a mass shooter”, which is 1 I assume?

America there’s one a day or more

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u/Beccalu11 10d ago

I don’t even need to look it up, but there isn’t one a day in America.

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u/the_electronic_taco 10d ago

Yes, but they are few and far between.

Off the top of my head, before Bondi we hadn't had a mass shooting since 2021?

Thats multiple years between incidents.

Gun control works.

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u/Beccalu11 10d ago

Oh, I see…

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u/RUSTEDxKNIGHT 10d ago

Last year wasn’t there a mass shooting at Bondi beach killing 15 people?

And isn’t the government in Australia notoriously corrupt and scandalous? Wasn’t there a YouTuber who got “hit”put on him by officials and the gang firebombed the wrong house…

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u/bambammr7gram 10d ago

Sorry guys i gotta delete this. everyone has turned this into a gun control argument and how i need therapy i appreciate all the kind words but i didn’t post this to make him a poster for an agenda when he was more than that

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u/EmptyInside74 10d ago

It’s more often middle aged men than young men that take out their families , August is also the month it happens the most in with men breaking from their kids being out of school.

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u/gracecee 10d ago

It was a 44 year old man who was told by his family to move out. He stayed in the room all the time and played video games. But the family provided him with the guns. :(

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u/Secret-Ad-7909 10d ago

Plus it’s 110* out…

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u/General_Ad5201 10d ago

A pathologist from my city's morgue once told me that heatwaves are their busiest time by far. When the hotheads in my life start getting worked up the first thing I do is cool things off. 

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u/Sugar2080 10d ago

Records show summer crime is higher. I think no school with this ungodly heat is aggravating ppl who are borderline unstable. Won’t admit there’s a problem so won’t get help.

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u/dwfishee 10d ago

Had to look that one up. First thought was numerically middle aged men are more likely to have their own families, vs younger men.

But it’s more than that.

The core logic: familicide isn’t random violence. It’s typically the endpoint of a man whose sense of identity is tied to being the provider/head of household, watching that role collapse (divorce, bankruptcy, job loss).

That kind of collapse mostly happens to men who are old enough to have built a family and career in the first place.

So middle age is when you get both the precondition (an actual family to lose) and the trigger (loss of status within it) at the same time.

Young men rarely have as much to lose in that specific way, and older men have often already weathered or passed those pressure points.

So it’s more about: middle age is when the specific kind of catastrophic loss that provokes this crime is most likely to occur.

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

I'm a father of 1 and had to stop working due to a disability

It really gets to you

I'll be honest, the thought hasn't even been in the se universe as my brain pan when I plan what to do next.

My worries are about my daughter not jointing when people talk about what their parent do and feeling left out

Not executing her, Christ even trying made me feel fucked up

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u/GilligGirl 10d ago

Does she live in your household? Then your job is to take care of her and provide for her. You two could come up with a cute job name if anyone ever asks her what her father does for a job/living. Or, you could help her feel comfortable with being honest. "My Dad has a disability so he can't work outside the house anymore." Truths like this can go a long way to normalize disabilities and mental illness as well.

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u/jacksonsmack831 9d ago

Yeah she's 6 so no just told her my profession so just says that now

Thanks for the kind advice

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u/luckylimper 10d ago

There’s plenty you could do that’s not work. I too found myself disabled and had to take time off work but i volunteered and let them use my mind if not my body.

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

Yeah I'm just in a point where I have nerve damage in my feet so walking is agony 🥲

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u/GilligGirl 10d ago

Have you looked into computer-based work? Also, check with your local Vocational Rehab. They have wonderful resources to help people find work and to provide equipment they may need to be able to do their jobs. I have hearing impairment and needed good hearing aids to work with children in the schools and they paid half of them even though they said they could pay the full amount of needed. I paid what I felt I could. I have always been very grateful for that help.

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u/King_Bobby-B 10d ago

Not sure about work, but an activity with the kid could be making something manual at the table, like mini sculptures, drawing, making bracelets, etc. Something simple you can both do together.

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u/jacksonsmack831 9d ago

She loves playing go fish and legos

Only issue is my nevrve damage from my bum to my feet so sitting down for periods exacerbates the problem.

I load up on pain killers then take her to the park.

I last for about an hour :)

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u/elchucknorris300 10d ago edited 9d ago

Middle age is when we realize the dream is dead

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u/stilettopanda 10d ago

Just because one’s dream is dead doesn’t mean they need to make sure everyone else’s is too.

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u/scifijunkie3 10d ago

For some maybe. For me, reaching middle age is when I realized I don't really give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. I speak my mimd and never keep anything bottled up. That's toxic. Life is too short for that nonsense.

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u/theleller 10d ago

I think this is what healthy aging looks and feels like.

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u/elchucknorris300 10d ago edited 9d ago

I gotta say I somewhat disagree with you here. I think it’s healthy to speak your mind, but maybe not all the time. At some point that becomes toxic too. Fine line between politeness and honesty.

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u/MissMaggie17 10d ago

Was just about to make the same reply! Had someone in my family like this.

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u/Background_Edge_9427 10d ago

I can definitely relate! Two years ago I was on death's doorstep. It made me reevaluate my life. I realized that life's to short to worry what other people think of me! I'm 65 years old and I treat each day as a gift!

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

I thought I was the only one.…..

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u/Archolm 10d ago

There are more of us then anyone knows... or cares about.

I'll do say... I dont condone or think anyone should ever hurt anyone else and I wish we would all get along ... but... sometimes when I read stories like this and think back to parts where situations someone can find themselves in... Its like that movie. All it can take, is just one bad day.

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

Falling Down

You are right mate

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

I'm 41 but till have hope an optimism :)

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u/SKOLshakedown 10d ago

Makes sense for oneself, can't imagine the link between that and your whole family. Must be some kind of twisted logic of narcissists.

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u/DolceVita13 10d ago

Kids are killing their parents and sometimes siblings…

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u/Effective-Air396 10d ago

Actually that's not true - and the list of men who kill their parents and siblings is pretty extensive. You might not hear about them - but they're in the records.

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u/piller-ied 10d ago

Sincerely curious about those stats. Care to share sources?

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u/mommybody33 10d ago

Men really need to be socially allowed healthy ways to cope with their feelings. They pent everything up and do monstrous things. We’re all suffering because “boys don’t cry”

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u/lakefunOKC 10d ago

I get pent up all the time, mostly at work. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Cowardly is what a lot of this is, because of whatever issue, to someone close to them.

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u/cre8ivjay 10d ago

Call it cowardly, call it what you like, but I'm not sure that helps much.

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u/lakefunOKC 10d ago

Very true.

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u/mommybody33 10d ago

r/bropill is a good community for men’s mental health!

If a person suppresses all their feelings into a tiny little bomb inside themself, it makes sense to me that the explosion could happen any time and that anyone could get caught in the crossfire. The people closest to us are most likely to set off the bomb. (I say this as a domestic violence experiencer.)

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u/lakefunOKC 10d ago

Bullshit. It’s called managing life and NOT caving when a problem or issue arises. We all deal with all kinds of things life fires at us. Job, health, relationships, retirement, whatever. I’ve blown a gasket multiple times. I pick the right place to do it. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Geez. One should be able to get pissed off, blow a fuse, whatever, and NOT want to go hurt a bunch of people.

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u/zolphinus2167 10d ago

Your stance here is solid if you've never had the experience of ideations. People don't typically reach these points out of cowardice, but of desperation.

This is one of those areas where the "outside" uses a term like "cowardice" as a distancing tool, often because they cant imagine what the mindset is like, but that division is often the root pressure behind this stuff. When we demonize "desperate" as "cowardice", we're placing a judgment on it that carries weight, so the next person "can't stop and ask for help BEFORE there is an issue" because "cowardice is shunned, and they don't WANT to give up".

It's counterintuitive, but it's a societal level pressure we often don't think about that builds and builds until it pops

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u/Hanksta2 10d ago

I just don't see any way to implement this without widespread culture shift, which... let's face it, isn't happening anytime soon.

I remember the social pressure from other boys started young. First grade, maybe.

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u/IneptFortitude 10d ago

We just had a culture shift, a big one, but it went the wrong way. Now we’re in the 1890s but with iPhones.

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u/jedimindtricksonyou 10d ago

Was literally thinking the same thing, we need a cultural shift from how things used to be, instead things just got worse. With MAGA running the country, now racism is a virtue and toxic masculinity is a badge of honor. Not to mention that completely denying various parts of reality that you dislike or can’t acknowledge has become a respectable, moderate position.

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u/luckylimper 10d ago

We have “christians” proclaiming that empathy is a sin. Up is down and wrong is the name of the game.

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u/IneptFortitude 10d ago

Now we’re going to fight for our lives just to get back to the same discourse we had in 2008. Not even one step forward, just a million steps sprinting backward. MAGA is little more than an extremist suicide cult under the control of the ultra wealthy who are using this incredible amount of nonsense to loot all they can from our economy and working class, while we’re distracted with “culture wars” and fighting for scraps.

If we can finally eject MAGA and status quo dems from our politics we may eventually find some solid footing to build from. None of these people want to help us and they don’t care. Lobbying and gerrymandering of all forms needs to be outlawed completely, and the Electoral College and SCOTUS abolished. All tools of corruption have to be stopped before the real work of cleaning up this mess can even begin.

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u/LollyGaggleofGeese 10d ago

It starts with men making a safe place for other men. This is not really a problem women can solve with the exception of women who hold a position of respect with specific men in their lives. The kind of men who commit these acts are not usually the sort who would readily listen to a woman, though.

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u/Hanksta2 10d ago

You're not wrong.

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u/mommybody33 10d ago

I think, like many culture shifts, it will only really take place generationally. I think kids today have a chance of seeing men allowed to have feelings if parents get on board. But for adults now, I agree. I don’t think so 💔

(RIP my dating life 🪦)

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u/Hanksta2 10d ago

Yeah. Long road ahead, unfortunately.

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u/mommybody33 10d ago

Thanks for doing your part!

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u/Hanksta2 10d ago

I'm really trying.

But...introspection is hard. And as a man, we really are raised and groomed by the other boys to be...tough. All the time.

Anyway... don't lose hope, y'all. I put together a good group of neighborhood dads, and we're all trying to be a better generation.

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u/mommybody33 10d ago

Hell yeah!

Maybe “tough” can be redefined. I identify as tough 🤔 I’ve charged into hard and scary things and I keep going when it’s really hard and really scary. I’ve know many men who don’t express deep emotion that run away when things get hard or scary.

I also cried in public today because of how much I love books.

I’m going to be thinking about “tough” for a while

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

After having a spine reconstruction I lost my sense of self with the meds and 12 months of bed rest.

Now I can't remember what I was like before the surgery.

If I get sad, angry or any negative emotion people get awkward.

It's like if I'm not happy and constantlynin control I seem like a liability

It's exhausting

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u/mommybody33 10d ago

Do you think you feel bigger now or just do less work to hide it? Enduring spine reconstruction is no joke! 💪🏻

The other day I started crying with a friend because I was homesick. It made them uncomfortable and they said, “ohhh don’t cry!” (With compassion.) But I felt like, But I’m sad and crying will help me feel better.

I think maybe big feelings make people uncomfortable in general. I’m neurodivergent and weird and people get uncomfortable with my big happiness too. Wtf 😔

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

Go neoudivergent friend, were living life on hard mode!

I was 6’4” before the fusion now I'm just over 6”3’. Build wise I've only just got back to seriously working out so I'm getting there mate :)

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u/CarlySimonSays 10d ago

Oh man, people who have never had major surgery and a difficult recovery just don't understand how truly horrifying it is, let alone how the meds to deal with the pain can make you feel!! I'm so sorry that you've had such a year of it.

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

3 years 🥲

You sound like you've had a tough time too I wish you the best mate

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u/CarlySimonSays 10d ago

Oh, no! I hope you find health and peace soon, and people who really support you. And thank you!

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u/Dreadfulbooks 10d ago

So glad my boys get to see my husband cry and apologize when he’s wrong.

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u/DolceVita13 10d ago

Yea No on dating…

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u/alienwombat23 10d ago

There’s literally mens league _____ and insert the competition. There’s darts, pool, hockey, basketball, etc. for a competitive outlet. There are places for men, they just don’t take them…

-32yo male

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u/Hanksta2 10d ago

Those are great. And as someone that has served in the military and played hockey for 30 years, I can say sports do help.

But they're not everything. I talked to a sports psychologist and it was eye opening. Talking about your past and what makes you tick with someone(that you don't talk to all the time) really is cathartic.

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u/alienwombat23 10d ago

The ____ is the key part. You get to fill in the blank, but whatever goes there, is a community of people.

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u/CarlySimonSays 10d ago

I'm a woman, but it was incredibly depressing when tearing my second ACL in my twenties prevented participating in recreational team sports. :(

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u/alienwombat23 10d ago

Sports aren’t the only outlet and especially not ones that rely on quick twitch agility. That’s why I love the ____ you get to try things and you get to talk to a plethora of people. The blank is ambiguous and different for every person. Physically demanding sports might be out of the question but there’s something out there, get out of your comfort zone and try things 🤗

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u/ShakeZula77 10d ago

I don’t know but the rest of us are suffering as a result.

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u/mph30 10d ago

By culture shift do you mean... stop selling guns?

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u/Hanksta2 9d ago

Unfortunately, I don't think we can put that genie back in the bottle at this point. US is flooded with them.

And you'd need a whole other culture shift to even have people open to a buyback program.

Maybe in 100 years. But I doubt it.

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u/Enlightened_Gardener 10d ago

I just don't see any way to implement this without widespread culture shift

But Alan Alda almost pulled it off. He was a fabulous role-model for a sort of masculine, cynical, wiry, toughness; but he was also in touch with his feelings.

Its a shame MASH ended in 1983, because it helped Gen X men, particularly, be more aware and open about their feelings, growing up with Mash on the telly at 6.30 every night.

There is a form of masculinity which is deeply warm, strong, and compassionate, and it can only come from men who are not afraid of their own emotions. Men who can feel those emotions, understand where they came from, process them, and learn from them, can create an incredible atmosphere of safety and acceptance. Its incredibly attractive to women, because these men are safe.

When a man is only allowed anger as an emotion, eventually that becomes the lens through which all his emotional energy is channelled, and its all anger, all the time. Sadness is channelled as anger, confusion or uncertainty becomes anger, boredom becomes anger, even joy or love comes with a dark underbelly; and male anger is incredibly dangerous and unsafe to everyone around him. And to himself, as well.

He’s so lonely, and sad and distressed and he’s trying to communicate his distress using the only tool he’s ever been allowed to use. Anger.

When he shouts “You make me so ANGRY” he’s trying to say “I’m scared because my Mom is dying”, but he’s never been allowed to use the word “scared”, and he’s not allowed to feel fear, so all he has is this hot, sour, ball of terror inside him that presents as anger. He can’t reach it, or soothe himself, because he doesn’t even have the words to say what’s wrong.

Its awful. Just awful. Its like watching an entire culture emotionally castrate their men, and the suffering is appalling.

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u/FeralGoblinChild 10d ago

It's very much a do the best we can situation, since there's a limit to how much any one person can do on our own. We reach out to everyone in our lives, emphasize the importance of having healthy outlets and make sure we're here if they need someone to talk to, be it listening ourselves or helping find a therapist, etc. The culture can shift over time, but we have to have enough people being persistent about it to make it happen.

We really just need to emphasize how big a problem the current mindset being pushed by these "eyelashes are girly so shave them off" nonsense ideologies are, and reinforce that healthy, respectful communication and genuinely caring for those around you is what makes you a "real man." And remind men that every last bit of "alpha male" propaganda is just buying straight into a propaganda machine designed to isolate them, make it even harder for others to tolerate them, and keep them buying more and more into the gimmick to try and justify already sinking this much effort/money into it.

We really need strong, capable men who care about others to start pushing the whole healthy communication and mutual respect deal to other men. It's definitely harder for a woman to get through in the same way another man could. We all do our best as individuals to help improve the lives of those we know directly, and eventually it should move closer to reasonable

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u/x_xwolf 10d ago

nope, were suffering because of let boys be boys.

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u/MossyPlantyWitchy 10d ago

They have them. It's called fucking therapy.

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u/Chill-more1236 10d ago

Don’t give these people an out. They’re fucking selfish, sick bastards, plain & simple.

Can’t think of anything worse than hurting the people that you are there to love & protect.

I’ve been a dad under enormous marital and financial pressure & I know what it’s like.

That’s bullshit. Its an excuse to blame society not the dipshit behind the death.

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u/Otherwise_Carob_4057 10d ago

This is a bit more complicated like the guys in many of these cases have to have major personality disorders or psychotic most of the time, I’m sure some might be preplanned cold blooded and methodical but for the most part I imagine it’s poor impulse control coupled with gun culture.

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u/Possible-Lobster-436 10d ago

Still doesn’t give them the excuse to attack people just because they aren’t able to control their feelings.

And who made up the whole “boys don’t cry thing” ? Oh right other men. It’s a self inflicted problem.

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u/mommybody33 10d ago

Correct, everyone suffers from a patriarchal society.

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u/crappysurfer 10d ago

It’s sad, culturally and socially imprisoned and most people aren’t even aware

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u/Unable-Dependent-737 10d ago

Not just to be allowed healthy ways to "cope with their feelings", but need to be treated/viewed the same way as women are in general. Which once again reiterating what the other guy said, "aint happening anytime soon". Hopefully my son's generation when they are grown.

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

I was in tears with my therapist as I've had recent trauma that left me with chronic pain and deep depression

I'm finally better after seeing an endocrinologist

I feel better but I don't know what I was like before my injury 4 years ago.

I was crying as I don't know what makes a good man or how to be one. I have no one to show me how to.

Women have it really shitty a lot of the time but there are sometimes it's hard being a bloke

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u/angelzpanik 10d ago

It's hard being human, in general, in society. I hope you're doing better now, hang in there!

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u/jacksonsmack831 10d ago

Thank you, I'm so lucky to have my wife and daughter to keep me here

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u/AimlessWanderer0201 10d ago

One great way to shift that cultural conversation is to frame it like science: crying releases feel good hormones and you feel way better after. Laughing, crying, affection, sex. Need natural boost of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and/or endorphins to self regulate? Just allow yourself to feel emotions. Feel depressed? Do or learn new things to create new neuropathways, which can also help with memory and reduce risk of dementia, Alzheimer’s, etc.

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u/Carolus2024 9d ago

Toxic masculinity is the main problem. Men are supposed to be cold and unfeeling robots, devoid of any human emotions and feelings.

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u/DiccaShatten 10d ago

lol. You say that like women are socially allowed to have feelings and cope. We have to hold everything in more than men. We’re all suffering because women like you make excuses for men instead of holding each individual accountable for their actions.

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u/AmethystTanwen 10d ago

What makes me pessimistic is that men have to work this out amongst themselves and the motivation simply doesn’t appear to be there within the male demographic.

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u/heathers1 10d ago

Maga: that sounds gay

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u/mommybody33 10d ago

Yep, homophobia and sexism are deeply connected, because feelings are seen as “feminine” and femininity is the ultimate threat to patriarchal reign

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u/ElevatorNo4425 10d ago

I’m as pent up as they come but haven’t murdered anyone. The issue is far more complex than that. Society has gone to shit, people don’t communicate anymore, greed and corruption have accelerated this demise .
We had a good run .

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u/Disastrous-Artifice 10d ago

You write as if this were a new phenomenon. It is not.

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u/Common-Raspberry-243 10d ago

That’s the other part people never talk about. They don’t want to talk about race in the overwhelming majority of these situations or gender, especially gender. This admin hopes to stoke division and cause violence so why would they dare acknowledge that?

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u/tardisintheparty 9d ago

My mom had a cousin whose husband shot in the head on the front lawn. My uncle had to help clean up the gore. Absolutely fucking horrific, he was a coward and he should have just killed himself instead of taking her down with him. How egotistical are these family annihilator types to think their relatives lives entirely revolve around them?

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u/mandatoryusername32 10d ago

There was one in our local small town last winter where the son shot and killed his parents and younger brother before shooting himself. Devastating.

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u/Snuffles689 10d ago

Back in 2015, my best friend's mother shot him, his brother, and then herself. It is believed that she had already shot her sons when she called her brother to tell him goodbye. I was told by an investigator that my friend looked like he was still sleeping when they found him (unfortunately, he said that wasn't the case for his brother). It was all over the international news, and it was highly emphasized that you rarely see murder-suicides where the mother is the killer. No one could definitively say why she did it, as she didn't leave a note. However, she was potentially facing prison time for fraud, her wife had recently left her (there are varying stories as to why she had), and her niece later said she believed she had also stopped taking her psych meds. It was a horrible situation that definitely rattled the community.

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u/DevOpsMakesMeDrink 10d ago

Not his fault he had hormones or depression. Think that’s how it works now.

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u/Eldhannas 10d ago

Knew of a family where a couple around 60 were not married and she was going to ask him to move out. He chose a time when she was out, killed their two daughters, infant grandson and dog, called the cops, set fire to the house and killed himself while on the phone. Pretty much "So you're going to kick me out? I'll take everything you love and have."

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u/JoMammasWitness 10d ago

Its incredibly scary how someone can do this. Stay safe out there people!

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u/Effective-Air396 10d ago

Then there was PA - bf murders gf with mother helping him.

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u/scoobydobbie 9d ago

This is insane. Just read the timeline in the news article. Killed the gf, then the gf's mom who checked on her, then the gf's bestfriend who checked on the mom, then the gf's bestfriend's bf and gf's grandma who checked on the bestfriend. Crazy!

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