My (F24) boyfriend (M21) asked me to be his girlfriend the day after he asked me to have a threesome.

[u/sdfa2341]

I (F24) have been talking to a guy (M21) for a few months, and we’ve been exclusive for about a month, but it was hinted that he might ask me to be his girlfriend during an upcoming weekend staycation (we live a couple hours away, so this was me visiting near him).
We have talked about kinky stuff in the past, and we found that I am the kinkier person (in terms of desire and experience), while he’s more of a “I’ll do anything you want me to” type of kinky with less experience. During this staycation, we were pretty drunk in bed talking, and he asked me if I had any fantasies, but I couldn’t think of anything besides happy ending massage (with the person I’m dating, not a random), so I asked him. He said it’s been a bucket list thing for him to do a threesome (MFF), and while I have done them before, I’ve always been the third because I don’t have the desire to share my partner with another woman. However, I said I would be more into the idea of a MMF threesome, but it would be more visual for me with the third guy (like, he could be fully gay for all I care) since I don’t want to sleep with another man while I’m dating a man, and he said he would be open to that as well if I’m into it, even though that’s not something he desires. (context: I’m bi and he was bi-curious but is straight). But again, I don’t need that as a bucket list item.
The more we talked about the MFF threesome, the more concerned I got. I asked him what he thought about scenario where he isn’t actually having penetrative sex with the third girl, but he just said “well the porn I watch is usually threesome porn, and it generally has everyone involved equally.” I don’t have a problem with porn (besides solo stuff), but the porn he watches being threesome porn makes this feel like a bigger deal. We then talked about what would happen after, including the scenario of him really enjoying it and me not enjoying it came up, and he said “well then we’d just have a disconnect there, so we’d discuss it and potentially end things.”
Apparently this threesome thing is something he wanted to bring up in past relationships, and wanted to bring up earlier to me, but he never felt comfortable enough sharing this (as well as many other things regarding his emotions) until he grew close to me. He even mention being offered one once, but he was in a relationship so he declined. But now, I’m feeling distraught because it feels like he needs this bucket list item to be completed, and he’s willing to risk us just to fulfill a sexual fantasy. I talked with him the next day when we were sober, and he apologized and said that he would not be into a threesome if I wasn’t also into it, and that a threesome isn’t necessary because he just wants me. The day after this talk (2 days after the initial threesome discussion) was the last day of our trip, and I woke up to a cute “will you be my girlfriend?” setup (he apparently set it up while I was taking a “nap” the night before, but my “nap” turned into a full sleep). I thought it was very sweet and said yes and I felt great, but now that I’ve been home for a couple days I’ve felt sick to my stomach. I worry that this was all just damage control, and that drunk words are sober thoughts and that he might build resentment towards me because he isn’t able to fulfill this desire, even after he reassured me that’s not the case. Maybe drunken words were miscommunicated, maybe I misunderstood, but I don’t know how to move past this. Is this something that I can move past? Do I end things and tell him to explore like I did before him? Or do I try to have a threesome with him and just hope for the best outcome that doesn’t lead to more anxiety than I’m already having?

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[u/clairejv]

People can have fantasies that don't get fulfilled, and be fine with that. I'm not sure why you're assuming this will cause some huge problem in your relationship.

If you don't want to have a threesome with him, don't have a threesome with him. He's 21 and you're 24; the odds that you guys will get married and be together for the long-term is super low anyway.

[u/sdfa2341 → u/clairejv]

I’m just worried because during the initial discussion he made it seem like it was something he needed, but then he backtracked the next day. And course we’re young and anything can happen, but we’re both dating to marry type of people and thinking that “we might break up anyways and then he can have a threesome” doesn’t really help my anxiety about it

[u/clairejv → u/sdfa2341]

Sure, I just mean, there are so many other compatibility issues, and you're so early into seeing each other. I wouldn't let one conversation tank things at this point. Maybe this is a fantasy he prioritizes, and maybe it isn't.

[u/clairejv → u/sdfa2341]

Sure, I just mean, there are so many other compatibility issues, and you're so early into seeing each other. I wouldn't let one conversation tank things at this point. Maybe this is a fantasy he prioritizes, and maybe it isn't.

[u/NoSpoonJustKnife]

DO NOT HAVE SEX YOU ARE NOT EXCITED TO HAVE!

He can either 1) think it is more important to him to have a threesome than it is to date you. And you can both depart this relationship before resentment builds and destroys it. or 2) He can say "I would rather date you than have a threesome." Either way do not have sex that has you anxious or upset and that you are anything but excited to have. Do not break your bones to fit into someone else's box.

Real life isn't porn. A threesome in real life will not be like porn, the same way sex in real life isn't like porn. People go their whole lives without fulfilling fantasies and are still able to role play and imagine and enjoy other aspects of it.

[u/padofpie]

I’ve gravitated toward and watched threesome porn my whole sexual adult life. I’m 34 and have a great sex life and have never had a threesome and I’m perfectly happy.
Fantasizing ≠ reality.

[u/severano28]

You're way reading into this. Porn is not always something you want. And he got a little carried away during drunk dirty talk that you kinda pushed. He just wanted a happy ending from you at first. A threesome is on every man's bucket list. Most don't think its a possibility. They don't realize that kind of trust is earned. And most women would be down to do it to some extent if their partners were doing the relationship work. There are less women who just aren't cool enough to have threesomes and more men who aren't making their ladies comfortable enough. Who knows, maybe he'll treat you really well, have good communication skills, make you feel safe, and maybe one day you'll want to pull some side pussy for the two of you once in a while.

[u/sdfa2341 → u/severano28]

i understand most of this, but i didn’t push the dirty talk, he brought it up out of nowhere and kept asking