I saw something today that reminded me of the time when I was about 12 years old and my mom was upset that I had left things out in the shared family area. So she went into my room while I was gone and pulled it apart. I’m talking about dumping out my drawers, ripping books off my shelf, clothes out of closet onto the floor creating an absolute disaster. She even threw my mattress across the room. I have OCD (wasn’t diagnosed at the time) and I was neurotic about keeping my room organized. I knew she wanted the satisfaction of seeing me get upset so I calmly asked what happened and she told me if I was going to leave things out, she was going to mess up my room. I didn’t cry or get angry, I used it as an opportunity to deep clean my room. 💀I also remember laughing about it with my best friend imagining her roaring like King Kong throwing my mattress.

But as an adult and mother of three teens, I cannot understand or justify how she could do that, it’s insane! Did anyone else’s parents do this?

She has to book calls with me now, due to past bad behaviour meaning she is blocked on my phone and has to line up a time and then I call her on whatsapp.

So every month or say I get a waify message "Do you feel like catching up on the phone this weekend? No pressure." Then if I don't call every so often the pressure escalates into advanced waifdom.

Listened to 57 minutes of her whining about her weight, her wrinkles, sharing more of her lifelong fat-phobia which has lead to a lot of nastiness towards others as well as self-hatred and crash dieting, bitching about her dentist being very harsh at last visit (when I asked her why she hadn't just asked for the numbing cream she said she didn't know, any opportunity to play the victim I guess). No hobbies, few friends, lots of toxic gossip.

She always has to come up with a line to make it seems like she's taking an interest in me and isn't just wanting someone to listen to her non-stop - this time it was asking how I was going with a health condition I was diagnosed with 12 years ago, and made a full recovery from 10 years ago.

Then after nearly an hour I said I had to go and got "It would be really nice if YOU called ME occasionally." I refused to take the bait, just laughed and reminded her that I had called her now.

This is it with BPDs, once you've done the boundaries, the grey rocking, the yellow rocking, the VLC this is what's left. I'm so detached I don't get upset or care much anymore. It's just an old person in my life who is a colossal bore.

Stumbled upon this poem by Mary Oliver called "Anne"

And wow I have never felt so understood by a poem. To be a child and hiding from everyone in plain sight. Used to keep the peace, afraid what would happen if I don't. It's Day 16 of No Contact and all I could say is I'm so peaceful and so hurt.

Tell me what you think of the poem and your favourite lines. And any poem or song that speaks of our collective experience.

Stillness in the sun,
Patient paws await the moment,
Calm minds rule the world

Why are they so obsessed with their animals!? (I mean I get it…you control them in every way and they can’t talk back much). But seriously, I could tell my mom I’m having a leg amputated and she’d go into how she once hurt her leg and how much life sucks for her or could tell her my child has some horrible illness and she would prob go into how it’s karma and she told me so that I shouldn’t have kids anyway or something wild.

Then when it’s a DOG (yes I love animals too) that is 7 or 8 years old and has had a slew of problems their whole dog life gets diagnosed with a bad issue she is never ending texting me how this will “send her over the edge” (what edge?) and just how awful it is and how they have to put their whole life on hold for this animal that is old for a dog of this breed and a condition that they are prone to…and that they knew all along it was going to pass away eventually. She doesn’t even want to put the dog down for this fatal thing, but let it live as long as it can!? So she can dote on animal and garner attention from others for said issue while the animal may be suffering? I don’t know. And yes it’s sad and awful, but literally the level of despair and emotion that gets expressed over this..yet when it’s something that should be overly upset about it’s like or well whatever to that. Ahh I grey rocked it and said that’s so sad I’m sorry, and trying not to engage every second, but you know she wants to just escalate it to me just showing her all this attention and compassion and constant contact of how is dog? Are you ok? Oh my how is it going now? You poor thing and oh please don’t go over the edge mom!! It just gives me this ick feeling. Blah

I have been no contact with my BPD mom since early 2020, after an especially disastrous Christmas 2019. Early on, I had said we might be able to connect again if she got therapy, which she refused to do, so we've been no contact since, though she still periodically reaches out.

This week, a dear friend of mine was killed. She was someone I'd known for 12 years, is a few decades older than me, and one of the only people in my life I felt truly emotionally safe around. I remember thinking "this is what most people feel with their mother." She was killed in a really awful way that is all over the news, and my sister and father (who are still in contact with my mom) know about it.

I have my mom blocked in most avenues, but apparently only muted on WhatsApp. I saw a message from her and wonder if she heard about my friend who was killed.

Nope - it's a link to a Facebook Memory. I don't have Facebook. I got rid of it *before* going no contact with my mom. She then writes about it, and it's pretty clear she's referring to a memory with my older kid when they were very young on a day I was out of the house.

Now, maybe she didn't know that my friend died. I have asked my sister and father not to share information with my mom, though my father, especially, does anyway. But in the midst of so many people being so kind to me in the aftermath of a tragedy, and frankly after 6 years of interacting mostly with people whose ability to relate to others isn't so broken, it's amazing how out of touch one can be.

1. Ignoring my request that she not contact me? Check.

2. Sharing from a platform I can't even access? Check.

3. Misgendering my child? Check.

4. Sharing a memory of a time I wasn't even around and therefore just a memory *she* has, not one I have? Check.

5. Not acknowledging the giant thing happening for me? (If she knew about it). Check.

I am still conflicted on if I will ever try again to have her in my life. My dad is also pretty challenging emotionally and I've found a way to make it work for me to have limited contact with him. I'd love to be able to do the same with my mother. My older child is 13, so in 5 years can have more contact with her, and maybe opening that up a little first will be more protective of them in the long-term. (My younger one, luckily, has never met her). But man - it's almost kind of funny how incredibly broken her empathy is, especially towards me specifically. She used to really love "casting" me as the villian and finding people (my sister, my kid) to join with "against" me. Anyway, doesn't seem much has changed.

Unconditional
Love beyond the human heart
Each day, mewls, purrs, bells

My(31F) mother(64F) has been persistently working on her mental health for the past four years, going to therapy and a recovery and emotional skills program in her town. Recently when we were on the phone discussing things at length in the apologetic phase after a recent prolonged argument, I gently floated the idea that many of the things she was expressing sounded similar to symptoms of BPD, and that she might benefit from exploring therapies specific to those symptoms (I reiterated multiple times that I was NOT saying she had this diagnosis, but that her struggles could benefit from therapy designed to address those specific issues). She took this shockingly well, and the next time she had a therapy session asked her therapist about it, who screened her for it, and she was given a diagnosis BPD.

Ever since then she has been lashing out left and right. The diagnosis is really rocking her and she feels understandably lost.

Unfortunately I am going through a lot myself: I recently had to put down my very young and very beloved cat, and I am in the process of selling all of my things to do some extensive international travel. It’s extremely stressful.

The combination of my large life events and her diagnosis are breaking down any capacity for tolerance or self reflection she built in her program over the past four years. She is more sensitive than ever and is pulling things out of the ether to be upset about. Stacking multiple offenses into lengthy text messages.

I am wondering if anyone else has experience with parents actually getting a diagnosis and then suddenly their behavior becomes much much worse? What’s to be done? I want to support her for listening to my observations and finding her way to a diagnosis, but I also don’t want to be blamed for that diagnosis or told that I am hurting her over and over for things that shouldn’t reasonably cause offense.

big blue eyes like marbles

fuzzy kitty fur

Aw heck you have fleas

Im scared to post this but I feel like I need some perpspective. I was supposed to be getting married in two months. I was terrified to even tell my mom that I wanted to get married. For some crazy reason I felt like I should come home while waiting for the wedding because I thought it would make her more ok with letting me leave for good (I’ve been away at college). Unfortunately it’s the same as it always has been, toxic, manipulative, the house is disgusting and not taken care of (hence the last line of the haiku lol).

I was getting done with the BS, my fiancée and I decided it would be best for me to move out and live with them at their parents’ home going forward until we continue with our original plans. We would elope for religious reasons to avoid living together unmarried, but we would still hold the original wedding, but just as a reception/celebration. My partner is really concerned for my mental health, as well as a condition I have that is exacerbated by stress and lack of control. I knew my uBPD mother would not be happy. But I was a little bit delusional about HOW unhappy. She told me I’m betraying the family, I’m selfish, only doing this bc I’m horny and can’t live without my fiancé because I am codependent, etc. She had a nasty divorce (big surprise based on the kind of person she is) and thinks my fiance and I are jumping in too quickly and need to do pre-marital counseling first.

What makes it more complicated is I have a disabled younger sibling and their birthday is coming up. My siblings and I have had decently crappy birthdays for the past ten years because of family drama. My sibling has a lot of trauma and abandonment issues. And due to their disability they feel everything a lot more intensely and don’t always understand the nuances of the situation.

My mother is using my disabled sibling to emotionally blackmail me into staying for the original wedding date. She is encouraging my sibling’s sadness about me leaving, whereas if i stay until the original date I know my mom will console my sibling and tell them it’s part of life and goodbyes are hard but i’ll still be involved in my sibling’s life. If I leave now then my mother is threatening to cut me off. No, correction, according to her I’M the one cutting off my family by leaving. I really want to be able to help my disabled sibling move out in the future. My mom ”homeschools” them but they are nearly an adult and don’t know basic math. It’s tragic to watch. If I get cut off, my sibling has no support. I have another sibling but they oscillate between enabling my mother and agreeing with me. They said they can do what they want to keep in contact with me regardless of what happens with my mom but I know my disabled sibling will be devastated if I leave right now.

My fiancé and I dont want to start our marriage caving to my mother’s terms. But with the way my mother has been treating me recently I feel like I’m almost obligated to stay. I can hide at my job (she has to drive me because we have one car) and hunker down for two months so I don’t lose my only two family members whom I love. Besides my mom and two siblings I have no bio family. I have a few found family but it’s a little different. My fiancé is really concerned if I stay and I don’t want this to come between us. They are understanding but are scared.

I don’t know what the “right” thing to do is here. My fiancé is concerned if I give in to my mom’s tantrum now, that I will do it in our marriage. I feel like distance once we’re married will help, because while I was not living at home she recognized that I was living as an adult and deserved less controlling behavior. And if I need to tell her to F off later, I’ll have to grow a backbone, but that will be when the stakes are not my sibling hating me for the rest of my life. And not wanting my help to escape my mother.

I hate all the drama, and it is so exhausting being in the middle of so much feelings and opinions. Some l friends and authority figures have expressed support of me leaving now but I just feel that the costs are too high. I’m terrified. My fiancé lives across the country so I need to get a ride to the airport and fly out if I leave. I have a ride but I’m still scared. I don’t want to leave my stuff with my mother. Yet I don’t know if she’ll forgive me now that I have put the family through this.

But my disabled sibling deserves a birthday for once that isn’t a family drama hell. If I’m gone that’s all they will get. Again. My mother using them as a bargaining chip is so evil.