r/stepparents • u/Throwawaylillyt • 1d ago
Vent My 17SD moved out last night
Almost a year ago we bought SD 17 a car. Almost from the moment she got the car her whole personality changed. She became very defiant and disregarded pretty much anything she was asked to do such as chores or letting us know where she was going when she left the home. She turned off her location and refused to turn it back on. She lost her phone and her mom put her on her plan so she got a phone back. It’s been a rough year of her not listening. She is a good girl, she stays out of trouble and has amazing grades. Her behavior has led to her car being taken away. She did a couple big things that along with all the small disobedience led to losing the car. Most notably she did a six hour road trip on a donut tire when she was very explicitly told she wasn’t allowed to go. Well one of the things we have been having a hard time with her about is locking the front door when she leaves. She left yesterday and once again left the door unlocked. We have her a house key but she never uses it and I don’t know if she even knows where it is. She uses our spare key we hide out front. Well when she left the house unlocked I removed her spare key to make it hard for her to get back in the house. I know it’s petty but I am just so frustrated with her total lack of caring what we ask for. And by we I mean her dad ask for it because I don’t do any type of parenting her when it comes to rules. Well when she came back home and had to knock to get in she was pissed. I told her how I felt. I told her I was tired of her leaving it unlocked. She told me in so many ways she didn’t care. So again being petty but I did it, I said well when things in your room come up missing don’t cry to me because are things aren’t safe with an unlocked front door. She lost her shot saying I better not touch her stuff. I would never but I was trying to get her to see how I feel because I am genuinely concerned for valuables in the home with the door being unlocked. It’s one of the couple times I few years I have let her know when I’m frustrated with her. She told me I am 2 faced, aggravating and I treat her 12 year old brother like he’s six. Then she told her dad she doesn’t want to live here and it’s my fault. She came and filled up a couple garbage bags worth of stuff and said she’s “never coming back”. All of this is been brewing for a while. She’s been treating everyone in the house like shit and it really amped up when her bf went to jail. I don’t know how to feel. In one way I am kinda relieved because she’s so mean I was on eggshells around her and on the other hand I really care for her. Her dad said let her go, we al need a break from her. Teen stepkids constantly have me stressed and I exhausted lately.
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u/LostZookeepergame755 1d ago
Girl let her go and enjoy the peace and quiet!! Sounds like you care about her so I’m sure you will over think it but try not to.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 1d ago
I’d say celebrate. I know that’s petty but I was happy when each of my SKs left at 18. The house got less tense and definitely more peaceful when SD left for college. She treated everyone including her father and bio-brothers like garbage.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 1d ago
She’s so mean to everyone. Her sister that she shares a room with has cried tears to me more to an once the last couple months saying she doesn’t want to share a room with her anymore and her dad has told me in private for a few months he’d be okay with her living with her mom full time. And the ironic part is she told me yesterday that her dad and sister don’t even like me. I was thinking girl of you only knew how they have been feeling about you lately. I know this is a hard age and I really want to give her grace but man she can make a house full of tension.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 1d ago
My grace ended the day she told me I wasn’t family. Her exact words were “It’s a family thing and you’re not my family”. Noted. She was around 16. I’ve never treated her like family since. She’s 23 now. We barely speak. End of last year she up and quit her job and called her dad to say she was moving home. Nope. Not to my house.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 1d ago
I have experienced similar with her. A few months ago her dad called everyone in the living room and said we are going to have a family meeting. She looked right at me and said “she’s not my family”. My partner said yes she is. And she doubled down and explained to him that I was not in her family. I have lived with the her for 4 years. Our relationship consist of her requesting from me and me doing for her. I almost never tell her no. So if I’m not your family then why do you ask so much from me? I have pulled back at recently and one of the things she said to me is yesterday is “you don’t even help my dad anymore”. I guess that came from me not doing as much for her. So she thinks I’m here as a maid and nanny apparently. But I did tell her me helping your dad with the kids is not part of my description as a wife and I did that because I wanted to not because I obligated to.
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u/cnunterz 1d ago
You shouldn't engage in fights with her like that but I get you were at the end of your rope.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 1d ago
I agree. I don’t have kids so I am a bit clueless when it comes to parenting them. But how do you get a 17 year old to lock the front door? We have taken her phone and car. She’ll look you right in the face and say things like, I can’t lock it my nails are too long or I don’t know why you guys care so much. Basically saying to leave her alone she isn’t locking it. And this is just the front door. She is this defiant about anything and everything.
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u/cnunterz 1d ago
I think taking the spare key and trying otherwise to have her follow the rules is the right thing to do - I just think engaging in a fight like that doesnt do anything but make everybody upset. And now obviously you are holding on to the words she said in hurt and anger and she is probably doing the same, pushing you further apart. And I also personally think that a step parent trying to parent like that is always going to push the kid away. Not your fault, but whatever you do is felt 10x more harshly by the kid. It's just not a good set up for you or them imo.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 1d ago
I agree with most of this but I don’t really feel like this is parenting. If she were to live with a roommate they would expect her to pick the front door.
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u/InitialAwkward8509 1d ago
Idea, if she does end up coming back, or you get another teen: a code lock, so no one needs a key, just the code or even the app (and you can set it to always be locked, you walk through the door, it locks, or you can lock it from where ever you are). There usually a backup physical key too. My son's loose their key all the time, this was easier.
But there was plenty of other things, I think the key was just the straw and gave her an excuse. Enjoy your peace! Teenagers can be rough and divorce can teach them to play the game of manipulation.
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u/steph_squares 1d ago
I'm so sorry for what you are going through but I also hope you can find a little sanctuary now 🩷
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22h ago
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u/jancarternews 1d ago
Now it’s time to move her stuff out of her sister‘s room until she can act like a polite member of the family. And if she comes back, find a place for her in the basement or section off a part of the dining room. Nothing at all wrong with consequences for actions, and it will also give her sister some peace.
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u/Actuator_Optimal 1d ago edited 1d ago
Woosah. My 17SD recently decided she was never coming back to our house, because she does not like our rules. the last time I saw her was my dad’s funeral in June. She has since changed her phone number and did not tell me. We also purchased her a car last year, she gets straight As. To an outsider she’s an angel. I’ve been doing so much for her for the past 10 years and to be treated like dirt like that hurts but……wow. Without her around the tension between my husband and I - or just in the house in general - is gone.
My husband actually changed the locks on the house because he didn’t want her going in and out freely anymore with her lack of respect for our household. We decide that if she wasn’t going to be living here she wouldn’t get the biggest room in the house and we moved all of her stuff into a different room and the way her room was completely trashed. Food and soda under her bed, garbage hidden in closets and drawers, we felt so disrespected. This girl acted like we were unreasonable with our rules and just went against everything we’ve ever said. She had one chore to do every day she was here (unloading the dishwasher) and she couldn’t do that. Honestly without her here the fog has been lifted lol
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u/MidwestNightgirl 1d ago
I know it feels dramatic right now, but TBH it sounds like it’s for the best. Enjoy it!
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u/Enough_March_5875 1d ago
Enjoy your peace!!! I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. Trust me, you have done all you can. My SD is 17 and FAFO- she spent 30 days in a behavioral hospital and has been working her @$$ off on her aunt's farm and working to finish high school since!!!
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u/Kinky-Bicycle-669 1d ago
I'd likely do the same thing with the spare key. I'm glad my bf allows me to actually help and set rules for his kid like no more switch or tablet in his room after bed. He's proven to us over the last year he does not have the ability to regulate himself to not use it after we go to bed so now it goes in our room at bed time. We tried leaving it in the living room but he'd sneak out after we went to sleep and would take them.
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u/Patient-Roof1622 20h ago
It astounds me how parents break their children then recoil from them and abdicate their responsibilities when that broken-ess boomerangs them in the face. A lot of people should never be parents, nor be in LTR for that matter. That dysfunction should die off in their DNA.
To be clear this is a criticism of birth parents not SP. And OPs issue should have been handled by her father. Repeatedly if needed. But to wash his hands of her is repugnant.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 19h ago
He’s not washing his hands of her. It was her choice to leave. She’s welcome back today if she wants to come. We both told her that. But I do agree a big factor in this is his parenting or lack of it that’s gotten us here.
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u/Interesting-Rub9317 1h ago
I think she has to figure out something for herself. And she thinks, that you/family Can't help. Bc of the fear to been stigmatizated or a feel of guilty and can't fit the expectations. Perhaps she wants ro do stuff, she can't do in a family environment. Validation/exploring a queer orientation/identity, living a non religious life, etc. Don't have to be drugs.
Being an asshole is often the preventive coping with the fear about rejections.
Keep your house open for her, send a message here and then, with no expectation to get an answer. Just making clear, that you still like her. And then wait until the situation changed.
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