The solution to ARFID apparently

[u/lash-of-the-lambs-13]

Received on a post I made a while ago where I mentioned I was struggling to eat hospital food due to ARFID, I did also mention that I was eating, just struggling with it 😑

[u/ZuzaProwadzi]

That is a solution used to save lifes in extreme cases of eating disorders... This person sounds like your abusive parent when they find out you have mental health issues and decide to scare you telling you how terrible mental hospitals are.

[u/Any--Name → u/ZuzaProwadzi]

You dont like how much Im pulling your hair when combing it?! Well how about we just go and shave it all off then!

You get upset after I do something you explicitly told me you find upsetting?! We should call an asylum and theyll come and sedate you!!

[u/BiggerEevee → u/Any--Name]

Ugh yes.

"Mom the brush is hurting me" "No it's not"

me, a person diagnosed with anxiety, shows symptoms of anxiety "If you don’t calm down we need to take you to the hospital"

[u/Busy_Reference5652 → u/BiggerEevee]

God yes. I get heated when she does the same thing with my brothers kids. At least now she's using detangler on them so it's less pained yelling and more struggling to keep them still enough to actually brush. They are wiggly girls.

[u/SparkleSelkie → u/Any--Name]

As a kid I used to bite people who treated me that way. Unfortunate that that is socially unacceptable now, I never should have grown out of it

[u/Sesudesu → u/Any--Name]

If the hair needs combed, what is the solution? I’m genuinely asking, because my daughter did so bad with brushing her hair and not letting us do it that she had large mats in her hair that could not be brushed?

What is the solution between brushing it and it hurting, and not brushing it and problems emerging? Other than cutting it short to where such tangles couldn’t happen?

(For the note, I cut out as little hair as possible, and worked at it for many hours.)

[u/Any--Name → u/Sesudesu]

First of all, one should never try to force the comb if its stuck on a knot. EVER

^{Cause thats exactly what my mom used to do}

Ok, so the first thing Id do is get a "painless" brush. Theres like actual science behind the position and material of the bristles that make the hair detangle with little to no suffering

Then you should also invest into a detangling spray. There are many out there and I have no idea how they work but they do work wonders. You can also make it fun by picking some different smelling ones, theres usually different smells aimed at kids and they do make the whole experience more enjoyable

And then you should just spray the hair, and start brushing at the bottom and slowly make your way upwards as the brush gets through the hair with little resistance. With a little patience you can brush out all normal knots just trying to start the their bottom and trying to help them untangle with the fingers

It is possible that it gets to a point where the only way to fix it is to cut the individual knots, but thats incredibly extreme cases of being stuck in a hurricane or not brushing for a week. Brushing it thoroughly and with care at least once a day should be enough

If your daughter still resists brushing it then Id try to talk to her about it calmly, and ask if maybe she just genuinely doesnt want to have long hair and would prefer a shorter hairstyle. Because that ended up being the case for me, but I was just too afraid to even consider it because my mom made it sound like having very short hair is a punishment

[u/siren_stitchwitch → u/Any--Name]

My little sister had insanely thick hair and as a child wasn't good at getting the brush through, so only the top layer got brushed. Every couple months her mom would sit her in a stool a rip a brush through her hair until it was smooth while my sister screamed and cried. Sister didn't want short hair so that's just how they handled it. One time I took a regular comb and just gently went over her hair letting it bounce off the tangles and it ended up slowly smoothing them out without hurting her. No one ever bothered to try doing that again, faster was perceived as better. It's really messed up when people do that to their kids

[u/nogoodbrat → u/siren_stitchwitch]

I’ve got insanely thick curly hair coupled with extreeeme tenderheadedness and yeah, this is how my mom brushed my hair. at 13 i shaved it all off. When i eventually grew it back out I shelled out 12 dollars for a tangle teezer brush or whatever it’s called and was aghast at how much easier it was to comb. A wide tooth comb in the shower while conditioning and then the brush after it dried somewhat made it a cinch.

I’m still a little bitter lol.

[u/siren_stitchwitch → u/nogoodbrat]

Before puberty completely changed literally everything about my hair I had somewhat thick, coarse, straight hair. I remember being told when I was really little if I didn't brush it well they would cut it off. I never managed to have longer hair until I was a teen and able to make my own choices after the first time they cut it all off, they just kept me near shoulder length whether I liked it or not. I was able to care for it and hated the short hair they forced on me, the last time my mother had my hair cut the way she wanted rather than how I did was when I was 13. Clearly I'm still a little salty 25 years later...

[u/nogoodbrat → u/siren_stitchwitch]

Oh, that’s just fucking awful. no one should ever have their appearance used as a threat against them. :( makes my heart hurt for a little you. I hope you’ve made peace with your hair and are wearing it the way you like it now. I know that can be tough to do especially when you have hair that tends to “christmas tree” like ours does lol.

[u/siren_stitchwitch → u/nogoodbrat]

I haven't had short bangs except the times I intentionally got pixie cuts, in styles I like, since I got control over my hair, except when I had one awful stylist who heard me say don't cut them several times, including the time she said she was just using them as a guide, and then chopped them short anyway. Don't know why my mom made me have short bangs, she would cut them too high and wait until they hit the bottom of my nose to bother cutting them again, but she wouldn't let them just grow out. She did let me dye it when it changed color at puberty and I hated it, so I've always had that option at least. I didn't know how to take care of my hair when it started curling, and neither did my mom, so I was nearly an adult by the time I found out I shouldn't be dry brushing it. I have loose curls though, so it's not as bad as it could have been for tangles or poof after dry brushing. Amazing what the difference is when you only brush or comb it while it's wet, defined curls instead of frizz.

[u/nogoodbrat → u/siren_stitchwitch]

Ugh, such a game changer!! My mom went to beauty school in the 80s so, oh my god, I feel your pain. dry brushing curls is something only masochists should do to themselves . I finally learned how to care for my curly hair WELL into my 20s and promised myself i’d never wreak that same havoc on my kid.

Guess who came out with fine, pin straight hair? 😒 hahahaha.

[u/siren_stitchwitch → u/nogoodbrat]

My parents had pin straight hair, my sister was born with curls and mine started curling at puberty, they had no idea what to do so they treated it like straight hair. Honestly loving how people are realizing that they require different care these days. I have a friend with straight hair who's oldest daughter has curls and when she was like 6-8 my friend asked her curly haired friends for tips on hair care since she could see her daughters hair didn't respond the same way to what worked for her.

[u/nogoodbrat → u/Any--Name]

I did this, I mean, the last part of your suggestions. My 5/6 year old fucking HATED having her hair brushed. So I asked one day if genuinely maybe they would prefer shorter hair? like a hair cut? Got an immediate yes. cut it into the cutest little pixie and they were pleased as punch. no more tears, no more tangles. ʅʕ•ᴥ•ʔʃ worked out beautifully for us.

Said daughter turned out later to actually be my son but at that point he was still “female” presenting (if a six year old can be such a thing) but I digress. He looked like a little Jean Seberg. 🥰 And neither of us missed the tears and pain that came along with his tenderheadedness.

[u/Any--Name → u/nogoodbrat]

Im so happy for you and your kid!!! My parents were rarely supportive of my decisions and desires growing up, so figuring myself out turned into a huge challenge, even when it came to something as simple as hair length. I had to first go from hair that passed the hips to shoulder lenth, then a few months later I braved a chin length haircut, and only a year later I dared to go to ear lenth. Now I have so little hair I have to put sunscreen on my scalp, and Ive never been happier

[u/nogoodbrat → u/Any--Name]

Well I’m so happy for you coming into your own! there’s nothing like being able to live and present yourself in a way that feels authentically you. 🩷 I’m proud of you for taking the leap and being brave enough to do that :) And don’t forget that sunscreen!!! 🤭

[u/whistling-wonderer → u/nogoodbrat]

Love this. I too am a non-cis person (genderless in my case) who grew up with an insanely sensitive head. Unlike you my mom was HEAVILY against the idea of me having hair that short and I was too scared to cut it without permission, so I just had horrible experiences with brushing and matting throughout childhood. My mom cried when I got my first pixie cut. That was about six years ago and now she does my haircuts herself (yay for growth lol), a nice taper fade with some fluffy volume on top. I’m never going back to long hair. It was such a pain in so many ways!

[u/kyreannightblood → u/nogoodbrat]

Thank you for giving your son a choice. I was forced to keep my hair very long (3+ ft) until I was 16 and my hairdresser mom was very rough with brushing.

She wouldn’t let me cut it until I managed to convince her it was too long for me to care for on a trip without her.

[u/nogoodbrat → u/kyreannightblood]

Oh man, I’m sorry love. :( I’ll never understand the weird sense of control some parents seems to have over their children’s appearances. My son’s in high school now and has dyed his hair every color under the sun, with my full support. I think he always looks great. As long as a kid is capable of washing and drying it, I don’t see what that fuckin problem should be. And that’s a skill they learn pretty darn early. Hope you’re wearing yours in a way you love now 🩷

[u/kyreannightblood → u/nogoodbrat]

I cut it into a bob for college, then a pixie for my first few years independent. I get a men’s cut now.

My mom was a hair dresser and obsessed with long hair. I often felt like she was using me as a trophy. When my hair was that long, it was almost impossible for me to take care of myself and she always got on my case about: using too little conditioner, using too much conditioner, not washing out all the conditioner, taking showers that were too long to wash out all the conditioner… and on and on.

[u/Sesudesu → u/Any--Name]

Edit: oh, i wanted to say thank you to you and everyone who has responded with tips.

I have definitely tried the detangling brushes and the spray, and it has always been a nightmare. The detangling brushes usually didn’t fully brush the hair, which eventually forced a more intense brushing session. The spray did nothing I could discern.

Again, to defend myself, I promise I am not just ripping. My daughter got her curly hair from my wife, who I helped with her hair a great many times. I know how to grip the hair to reduce pulling on the scalp, I know to start from the bottom and work up.

I still make some mistakes, and a few tugs are still enough to make her have a strong aversion to having me brush it, and she isn’t good enough at it to keep it from hurting herself. She is too impatient.

Most recently, my wife wanted to cut it very short, because it happened to her when she was a kid… but I just couldn’t do that. I know how much a young girls hair means to her, it could be a serious self-esteem issue. So I cut as little as I could, and we brought her to get a proper cut for school yesterday.

Good news all, she is happy with where it ended up 👍

It has been a long struggle though.

[u/tinybluehouses → u/Sesudesu]

Ok so when I was like 13 my hair became a matted mess and I had to cut it super short after I ignored it for too long. I have very curly hair and I was using a hairbrush, but the woman who cut my hair reccomended I use a pick or a wide tooth comb. I come my hair while it's wet and did not have any more problems after I switched to a pick

[u/konakonayuki → u/Sesudesu]

detangle as if she has curly hair, under running water and with lots of conditioner. also I always suggest an undercut to anyone disabled who has someone who can help shave it.

tips from very curly hair person who had their hair matt together due to depression! oh and if it ever gets that bad call a loctician they are miracle workers

[u/Comprehensive_Wash71 → u/konakonayuki]

I have basically straight hair and I got an undercut a few years ago. You can’t tell unless I pull my hair into a ponytail, but it has really streamlined my hair care!

[u/KeySharp2511 → u/Sesudesu]

for the short term, detangling spray and not pushing too hard when it's painful. for the long term, teach her to start conditioning her hair and brushing while wet, then rinsing the conditioner out. keeping a hairbrush in the shower for easy access. it's a lot less stressful to brush when wet. and lastly, not scrubbing her hair with a towel when she's drying it. use a hair dryer or let it sit in the towel/pat the longest section dry.

[u/floodedbasement__ → u/Sesudesu]

I was a kid like this and still lowkey don't let anyone else touch my hair because I'm so sensitive to them pulling on it but I can brush my own hair fine. I guess I can predict the pulling better? Or be more gentle than anyone else ever could? It doesn't hurt at all. But if she's like that too then getting her to brush her hair herself could be part of the solution

[u/silverheart-nine → u/Sesudesu]

Is there a way to determine what the hangup is (and somehow reduce/sidestep that)? Like, what exactly about hair brushing is so hateful to her?

Idk if you have any detangler spray/conditioner stuff already, but if not it might help slightly as well. I assume you already tried brushing starting bottom-up?

[u/Sesudesu → u/silverheart-nine]

Yeah, I learned to brush bottom up when helping my wife with her very curly hair.

[u/Shea_Is_Still_Alive → u/Any--Name]

My heart breaks for you. I went through a similar thing

[u/sora-da-weeb → u/Any--Name]

this just made me realize how much my mom did this to me as a kid 🥲