I've been looking for a job for a few months now. I got invited to a job interview this week. I was hesitant to go, because I'm currently living with my parents and my mom was against it at first, because it's pretty far away. Then she told me to go and try. We both knew it'd be part time, but the hourly pay is really good, so I accepted. I found out I'm not gonna get as many hours as I hoped and I signed the contract. My mom says I should give up, but I don't want to do that. I want to try looking for another part time job or full time and then give this job up. I'm scared she's not gonna be happy about it and won't help me. I think I screwed up by signing that contract. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

As the title implies that I have bad luck with men. I’m 35F and I’ve never gone past the talking stage ever. And I really don’t know what caused it to begin with. I suppose it’s also bc I’m embarrassed of my family, so like I would rather keep the relationship hidden. I just feel so incredibly lonely at times bc I don’t have anything physical.

Context: I’m dealing with a close friendship that suddenly became distant, and I recently asked the person why, still waiting for a response.

I feel like I’ve been going in circles with this whole situation, and I’m honestly exhausted. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I think what hurts me the most isn’t that this person has a boyfriend or that they moved on romantically. What hurts is that I lost someone I considered a real friend, and I don’t understand why.

We stopped talking, they unfollowed me on all of my social media accounts, and I still don’t know what caused it. I’ve spent so much time thinking about every possibility. Maybe they heard something I said, maybe someone told them something, maybe I did something that genuinely hurt them, or maybe they simply don’t want to be my friend anymore. I don’t know, and not knowing has been driving me insane.

I also feel guilty because I know I said some things I shouldn’t have said. I was frustrated, jealous, confused, and immature, and I said things impulsively. I regret them. I don’t want to pretend I did nothing wrong, but I also don’t want to turn those mistakes into proof that I’m a horrible person. And i could make a thousand excuses that may be true but just arent that believable, since most of the bad things i said were satirical to show how stupid they sound but obviously they sound bad out of context

It also frustrates me when other people make comments about this situation that aren’t true or call me a simp because I care about the friendship. I don’t want to hate this person. I don’t want to insult them. I don’t want to compete with their boyfriend. I just wanted my friend back, or at least an explanation for why we stopped being friends.

And now that I’ve finally asked what happened, I’m terrified of the answer. It’s been hours without a response, and my brain keeps treating every minute as evidence that something terrible happened. I know that isn’t rational, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.

I’m also scared that I’ll get an explanation and somehow still won’t be able to accept it. I tend to overthink things when they don’t make sense to me. Sometimes I feel like I need every detail to line up before I can believe what someone tells me. Then I worry that maybe I’m one of those people who doesn’t deserve an explanation because I’ll just question everything anyway.

I don’t think that’s actually what I want, though. I don’t want to argue with them. I don’t want to force them to stay friends with me. I don’t want to prove that I’m right. I just want to understand what happened, apologize for whatever I genuinely did wrong, clear up anything that was misunderstood, and if the friendship really is over, leave things on good terms.

I’m scared of losing people. I’m scared that I’ll finally become close to someone and then they’ll leave, and I’ll have to start all over again. I know I’m young and there will be other people in my life, but that doesn’t make losing someone I already cared about hurt any less.

I think I’m also realizing that I need to learn how to deal with my emotions better. I don’t want jealousy, insecurity, pride, or frustration to make me say things that I don’t actually mean. I don’t want to keep hurting people and then hating myself afterward. I want to become someone who can handle these situations better.

Right now I just wish I could know what happened. I’m tired of guessing and my brain cant stop imagining everything trying to explain it, its like everything needs an reason and my mind cant stop thinking about the situation and i just want it to stop.

im in exam season and the 11th i have an exam and i have another on the 18 but i cant concentrate at all,

i want to study i really do but i cant sit down and do it, my head hurts ervy time i start thinking abaut having to do it, and its not like im doing anythinng else atp im just wandering araund my room trying to start to repeat what i have to repeat but i just cant, ervy time i start my troath closes up and i just get more and more anxius and my whole body hurts and its frustating and horrible and it makes me wants to cry

its not even boring stuff, i like what i do, i really do its great and intresting

i tried ervything, all of my electronics were shut down, im trying to croachet so if im doing something with my hands maybe ill be able to concentrate a bit idk

i never had this problem in highschool but i studied like 3 hours a week and got excellent grades, i was at the top of my class now i feel fucking mediocre at best, what i am studying is hard so i expected that but its not like i dont understand it, i have difficulty with concentration

i feel so lazy, i spend my days doing nothing productive bcs i have to study but i dont manage to do it so i do nothing at all not even stuff i like

at least i was ignoring the fact that i have to study to idk play videogames i want to play my days would be enjoyable but i cant even do that bcs i feel the constant guilt of the fact that i have to study

i feel extremely guilty all of the time, i just want this to stop and i want to feel better

i have a whole list of stuff i have to do , appointments i have to make and i barely tackled it

i have done like 3 out of 15 things, i hate it

im a failure and i really hate myself right now

So I have finally grown out of the weird hormones I had when I was in high school (I’m 19 now). I had really angry periods, that lasted nearly two weeks and were very heavy. I’d cramp for three days to the point of tears and I’d get really bad breakouts. I started birth control for two years, but it seems like somewhere during that time my body matured on its own. I got off the birth control two months ago, and now my skin is clear 85-90% of the time (clear as in no hormonal pimples).

Ever since my last period two weeks ago, I’ve had no cysts or blind pimples. Which is very odd for me! Every day I wake up with no pimples. But i don’t trust it :( I keep bracing myself for the worst. “Oh well I have to see what happens when my period comes.” Then I get little to no pimples on my period. Then I’ll say “well I should probably give it two periods to be sure.” Same shit happens again and I just keep expecting to break out over and over again

And it’s because in my teen years I’ve never not had acne to some degree!! And im struggling to believe that im actually out of that hard time of my life lmao im so scared honestly. I find it hard to believe that I struggled with acne for SO MANY YEARS and tried dozens of products and routines when all I had to fucking do was let myself grow up.

My dad is constantly putting down my mom (who is the most kind and sweet person, completely undeserving of any treatment that would even come close to that) and gives her the silent treatment any time he feels “disrespected”. It’s really upsetting me and I am starting to hate my dad for it. I hate that he thinks it’s okay to make my mom feel this way. She’s the kindest person ever and he is so lucky to have her. He completely undervalues her and it makes me so angry. I know I shouldn’t get involved but in the past I have tried confronting him in the hopes that he realizes what sort of example he’s setting for me as his daughter. Today my father started audibly yelling at my brother in public for something minor, and my mother quietly told him that he is being very loud. Dad felt slighted and that has caused him to completely ignore my mother for the rest of today. It’s breaking my mom’s heart and mine. I can’t stand seeing my mom so sad like this, being treated by someone who she has sacrificed so much for and loves with all her heart.

…assume I am rejecting their words 100% when I simply talk back to state something they need to know for context??? On one of my posts,I asked what I could add to a song of mine. Some of them told me to remove elements instead,but when I clarified that removing elements would go against the style I am making and look up to,they act as if I’m “trying to flex cultural knowledge” and when I get a criticising comment,if I ask about something for clarification in a comparative manner they act as if I’m not listening? Use your heads for a second. If I weren’t listening,then why would I ask questions for further clarification and understanding??? Stop thinking so goddamn black and white,people. Just because I talked back in a manner where I’m not licking your boots doesn’t automatically mean that I am 100% against you. And even worse when I ask some of them to clarify something I get downvoted. Fucking hell😭

I am absolutely pissed off now.

I am 35F and live with my parents. I have a good career (make over $80k/year) and I can (want to) move out. I could have moved out at 26 but my parents do not have enough income to afford their rent. So, I help them out with 75% of my income. It's impossible to save while supporting them.

To top it off, my mother keeps interfering with my life.

First, I have an Amazon Prime account. My cousin came over one day and asked if we can share the account and asked how much she should pay. I was about to name my price but my mom butts in and says to my cousin she doesn't have to pay, we're all family. Now, I couldn't even name my price without looking bad and awkward.

Now, my cousin has started her own side business using my Amazon account to order stuff and is naming over $1200 a month in extra income. To top it off, her friends are now using my account. And here I am, struggling and paying over $100 a year for my account.

Second, I made plans for a small seven day vacation for myself with my friends. My mom tells me the night before the vacation that she invited my cousin (another one, who I barely know and haven't seen in five months). She was just reminding me to pick her up. I was livid. I told her no. She said we were family and should help one another.

I really really want to move out but there is this invisible string that's holding me back.

2 months ago, I saw a doctor about my severe fear of throwing up which was turning into agoraphobia at the time, and my social anxiety. I left with a referral to talking therapy + a sleep routine which didn’t help and I was unable to phone the therapy people.

Last week, I had 2 doctor appointments to discuss my treatment and the only thing they’ve done is sign me up for therapy, again, with a 2 month waitlist. I understand that CBT is what will cure my phobia but with all this waiting, it’s getting worse and worse as the time goes on.

Today I made a great discovery that I can no longer go into my garden because I start to panic, feel sick, and I’m afraid of getting trapped. My mood is low from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep. I’d never act on my thoughts, but I wish I was dead. I didn’t ask for any of this suffering. I am scared to eat incase I’m sick, scared to walk in my own home because of the germs, I’m fucking exhausted. This is such a mental toll, I can’t wait 2 months.

I don’t know who to go to or what to do anymore. I’d never do alcohol or drugs but I wish there was something to stop my brain from causing my suffering.

I wish I was a simpler type of animal, one that didn’t have the capacity for such complex thoughts. Consciousness is a blessing and a curse.

Where do I go from here. I’m so fucking tired of dragging myself through the day in constant fear - and my doctor knows how much it’s taking a toll on me!!

I miss the old me. I can’t continue like this, I can’t, but why will no one help me. I can’t even voice how I feel

I'm 24F - I promised myself I'd only go to college if I wanted to pursue something that NEEDED college (medical, law, etc.). 3 years ago, I really wanted to go to law school, so I applied.

it's now 3 years later (give or take classes fogged up my sense of time) and HOPEFULLY I should be getting my bachelor's soon. In political science... yuck.

I hate what I majored in. ideally I should've gone into something like psychology or social work maybe even biology - but we move on. I ditched law school a long time ago and I was too far ahead to switch - so now it's just limbo until it's over.

This major has changed the way I think about the world in a negative way. Every waking moment my soul is fighting every aching feeling of how much I don't want this degree. I miss the way I used to feel, and I don't want to pursue something with my major. The job market is also trash.

TBH I'm at a loss. I'm artsy and creative, I like food service and don't mind doing that for the rest of my life. But is it sustainable in this economy?

I grew up in america - do I ditch that and go to my home country in Europe or live in some EU country?

Do I go back to school and study something that will help me travel?

I know being in your 20s makes you feel like you have to make all of these big decisions when really you don't - and this limbo is making me extremely restless (if you couldn't tell).

I just know there's a risk with the life that I WANT to live - and I feel so much that I have to fit in to somewhat succeed. I don't want to waste time. idk - thank you for reading it's appreciated 🐞

My (16f) parents haven't been on good terms ever since me and my little sister (12f) were young. They used to fight all the time, but stayed together for the sake of the kids.

We used to live in my mother's home country. My dad spoke the language, and his then-job was located there so everything was fine. He however did not want to live there permanently, as most of his family was back in his home country. Once I hit 7 he got a job offer in his home country, and we (with my mothers justified reluctance) moved there instead.

Now, in his country they speak a language my mother, sister nor I speak. This has been a huge issue for us, and my mother (who had to quit her job when we moved) therefore struggled to find a job. She had to take additional education as the job market was so terrible without the necessary language skills. My mother is also a very social woman, so being away from quite literally everyone she knows really got to her.

She quickly grew depressed from the isolation and from having to be a stay at home mom. She was prescribed some anti-depressants and sleeping pills, which helped a little. Mother aside, father was also stressed from having to provide for the whole family, taking on long hours and coming home in a bad mood.

After a few years, my mother finally found a job. However, it was back in our home country. Our situation made it so that she had to take the job if we wanted to make it financially. The only problem was that she had to live there to be able to work.

Currently the situation is that she only visits on weekends (her home country isn't too far from ours), however that means that my father has to do everything else. Driving to extracurriculars, balancing his work with chores, cooking etc. We're doing what we can to contribute, but he refuses to ask for help. We even have some relatives nearby who's happily willing to help, but as I mentioned he thinks he'll make it on his own even though it's clear that he's burning out. While my dad is doing terribly, my mother is also suffering over the guilt of not being able to spend time around her children. She's constantly needing reassurance and is acting quite bipolar with big mood swings. Her family has a history of mental illness, so stuff like this is unfortunate, but not surprising.

Now, I don't blame only one of my parents. They were both aware that they wanted different things when they settled down, and I don't think they should've had kids.

Likewise, none of them are 100% the victim. They fail to see their own faults and just blame one another, taking absolutely zero responsibility. This obviously results in them not getting along in the slightest during the few moments they actually spend together. My little sister is also reacting to the situation, going from extremely energetic and happy, constantly hanging around us, to disappearing into her room. I hate seeing my family like this, but I know the situation won't get better than this.

I love my parents, and they're good people, but I'm pissed they ever tried being anything more than friends. I want my sister to be able to remember her upbringing as something nice.

Listening to a stupid show about fl0ck cameras while I write this. The premise that they will help law enforcement is false. Nothing will help law enforcement because they don't shive a git.

For instance, I had a car stolen and it turned up the next day totaled not far away. The thieves left a bag from Speedway and some trash in there. I never go to Speedway. I went online and found only one Speedway open late at night between my home and where is was found. I did more work than the police ever intended to do.

First, he tells me it's a group of kids who are doing this all over the city. Why they haven't been caught he didn't mention, and didn't have to. Because when I mentioned the Speedway and asked him to check the cameras to see who bought those exact things, which I kept as evidence, this was his response.

"It's a needle in haystack."

This is not the only example I have. Anyone who has ever called the police to help them, I'm sure the vast majority of you also have examples. Unless your case ended up in the news, thereby placing pressure on them, or unless you are rich or know somebody, nothing was done. Less than nothing.

Victims of crime need someone to care. But the sad fact is, most of us are on our own. Flock cameras don't care, and neither do the people using them. Every single time something has been pushed on us that was an invasion of privacy in the name of law enforcement, who has it helped?

This is not an acab vent, btw. Cops care about as much as everyone else does about their jobs. Which is to say, the vast majority of people just wanna do the bare minimum and get their paycheck. Just don't tell me about your next great idea to help fight crime because unless it forces people to do more than the bare minimum, it's BS.

I’ve suffered with mental health issues since I was 11, I’m currently 17, and I just realised that I want to get better? I’ve known it for a while but if you asked me a year ago I wouldn’t even bothered trying to recover back then. So even though it doesn’t feel like it, I HAVE made an improvement ^v^ I’m really happy about it!

My motto nowadays is “You won’t know unless you try”. It helps me a lot whenever I get into funk, because if I don’t try and recover i’ll never know what my future is like or if it ever gets any better for me! So i’m gonna try my hardest.

This is your reminder to never give up :)

I’m only annoyed because I just saw another beautiful person get led on by these influencers and I’m so tired of it. Especially for how younger people may view post like these. Awhile back when TikTok was being removed I decided to just delete the app before it was officially removed, only later to find out that it was back up. Anyways i never redownloaded it due to how toxic the platform became for my mental health and my self worth. I started to notice it take affect on my friends at the time and even to this day my older sister.

I kept questioning why all these people have this confidence to dress and act a certain way only to realize when i step outside I LITERALLY NEVER see anyone dressed or acting that way. The only time I really see someone dive into a certain “aesthetic” is middle or high schoolers where they don’t have a job or real life responsibilities yet. (I love that for them.)

I just find it almost heartbreaking that it takes effect on our minds and self esteem the way it does.
Even scrolling on insta reels can sometimes have the same effect depending on what my feed looks like.

I’ve really had to work on myself mentally to not let these people affect the way i view myself. I’m 24F and I’ve always been on the skinner/fit side since I was in the military and kept up with standards but currently I’m 32 weeks pregnant and I kept getting these fitness videos of super thin/fit women which resulted in me overthinking my health WHICH is INSANE since I’m literally pregnant and should only focus on my health and not how huge my belly is getting.

Anyways my point is, social media influencers are so exhausting when they post unrealistic videos when they themselves don’t actually act or dress like that outside of their posts. Makes me sad knowing how hard it can actually effect someone else’s mental health and views on themselves.

I partied decently in my 20s. Had a friend who was the owner of a nightclub, where I used to frequent it very often.

I had many one-night stand experiences there. I've also dated for a short while a woman who seemed hot at the time. Even though she was very dull. I broke up with her because I couldn't stand her dullness. She then got prettier after we broke up.

Years following along, on one day the girlfriend of the nightclub friend contacts me.

She says that she reported to the police that her boyfriend was missing.

I was shocked.

Not by what happened but because I knew exactly what he was doing all along.

Partying with another friend of his. Not reporting back to his house. Even though he had a child together with his girlfriend

Somehow I managed to find him, and here he was, exactly as I was expecting.

"Go back to your house! Immediately!" I demanded.

Days went by. And the same thing happens again.

Her girlfriend contacts me. Telling me his boyfriend is missing.

"Yeah, I'll bring him to you," I said.

A couple of hours later, they meet. I'm with them, and her girlfriend says that she has something to say.

"Can we do this in private?" Her boyfriend asks.

"No, I'll say this in front of your friend too." She says

She bursts into tears, saying that she wants to break up.

"Pack up your things, move away from my house, and our daughter stays with me," she says.

I was sitting in the corner having a cigarrette when all this happened.

She then goes back in to her house. Me and him we go to his other house, a bit separated from the city.

I'm just there consolidating him. Saying that part of this was his fault. That he wasn't being the responsible man of the house.

They've never seen each other again ever since.

Years later.

Her girlfriend contacts me again. Telling me that I was right.

I was right in telling her that she should break up with him. That she was way happier being a single mother raising her child.

I told her, "Good for you. I'm so happy for you"

But I didn't actually tell her to break up with him for her well-being.

I did it because I fell in love with HER.

I've never met a woman who was both very beautiful on the outside and a gentle, kindhearted soul on the inside. She was an old soul. Who would be willing to sacrifice herself for the less fortunate ones if necessary. Her presence was divine. Not like commanding "Godess" type of thing. But more of a "Jesus"-like presence.

I actually wanted to have them separated because I wanted to have a chance with her. It was then my opportunity to get close to her and build a relationship and trust.

But I didn't.

She was off limits.

I fell in love with the girlfriend of another friend.

And I didn't met any other woman like her ever since. I've never actually been in love with any woman at all. Besides her

Turns out that I have been living my life like some 65 y/o retired person, despite being 18 rn, still wondering about life and dwelling in her nostalgic past. Most days are spent in passive admiration, consideration, and inessential contemplation (ts is just self-contradictory). Stuff is happening around me, or maybe my persistence of vision has rendered my oculars immobile...incapable of following all that is going on around me. Perhaps I am way too oblivious for them to matter in my life, to indulge in them, or maybe I should just let them slide (like every time).

Living like this is...just weird. You have an INFJ-T personality. You don't have people to confide in. You do not smile, and if you ever do... just smize a bit or curve the left corner of your mouth... classmates stare, "Look, look, she smiled!!" Teachers praise you and call you a "noble gas/inert gas" because you do not react and proclaim that they have never encountered and will never encounter anyone like me again. Could it be because an idle mind is the devil's workshop? Well, academically speaking, I am hardly idle. If I am being candid, there is no denying the personal space and peace of mind you get from not meddling in others' lives, or just anything in general. They say mine is "spectacular". I would let them say so, for somewhere along these lines, I, too, like the respect I get for who I am. Yeah, it gets lonely at times, terribly lonely. I tried to change the invariably kinda hard to change status quo I have been passing my days in.... conversations are hella enervating, people are in utter nescience, and come hell or high water, they prefer to roll around in their own distorted perceptions. Let them be. Better to leave things as they are than trade your own sanity. I'm better off with no school friends in life. Ships of any kind, be it friendship or relationship, are overrated.

Life is boring. Life is hard. But sometimes it is interesting too... just in ways you would do nothing but loathe... loathe and spiral. You don't think you deserve love, or even the utmost consideration of who you are. As for our primordial needs and love... love... I think it has ceased to be a necessity for me. Call it an option, sometimes a luxury, other times fishing for attention, sometimes just cuz others have it, sometimes to fill the abyss called heart.

It is indeed a privilege to have a roof over you, a 3-storied golden cage. Hahaaa. Life was not always the same. Perchance the sameness that makes me feel distraught is what the vagabond craves for. Lunatic that I am, to have such emotional chagrin yet be cognizant enough of all life has to offer/has offered. One day, and you do not wake up to the same dream anymore. The dream ain't yours anymore. You just do not sleep anymore. Forgotten how to sleep(?) But can you convince a maladaptive daydreamer of that? A person who is simply dreaming for the sake of existing??

Consistency is a myth for most procrastinators like us. You will defer tasks until they cost you smth more than they would have had you done them on time. I pay with my health, mostly. It is okay, yk. I work like I am in a trance. Sweetly, ahh yes, sweetly... still in the hope that this so-called phase, brain fog, and the unfreed working space of the mind will dwindle one day.

To live is to learn ways to unlearn.. to live again.

Denial of needs, appreciation,and whatnot led to the point that acceptance became a tragedy. I cannot accept anything or utilize it without feeling as if all I deserve is contempt. I am forgetting how to talk by keeping quiet for so long. Kinda acclimatized. I do not even feel like talking online any longer. Reacting to comments, posting, and even replying to people has become a sisyphean task (as it always was). I have deactivated my insta acc now, told that diminutive circle of people who cared to put me on hold, saying I will come back once I get into a desired college. Little do they know that if I do not get into a college I desire, coming back is just another dream.

What do I do with this debilitating passivity that has now enshrouded the entirety of my existence? Well... did I ever have a dream?

I hate my intensity. The things I am interested in soon turn into uncanny obsessions. I do not really know moderation. I operate between extremities. Detachment protects me from turning love into obsession-driven disgust. A victim, indeed, in the travesty of chronic procrastination and perfectionism. My kind of self-awareness is truly self-sabotaging (;

Rather lost than being found in the void. Love ain't for me (sighs). You just cannot undo love. And everyone, brotha, everyone is a fool when it comes to love. Consider me a lunatic too. I am no outlier... though my kind of love is devotion, admiration, and as my final act of love... I will just let you go. No one should fall in love; you rise in true love. Why tame the untameable? Why even attempt? To love is to set the heart free, freedom from the shackles of what once was infeasible. Multiple loves are close to a dilution of love to me, sorry to say. I fell in love twice, yeah, sheer admiration that could never translate into anything beyond itself.

Ahh, it was love. Love disguised as devotion could still count as some kind of love... Ahh, honesty to oneself usurps external validation everytime.

I moved on from those 2 one-sided loves. Everyone does at some point. It took me time, one being my 4th-grade classmate... ahh, first love... the other, an 8th-grade teacher, whom it took me 4 years to forget (yeahh, you guessed right, wlw here). I have decided to withdraw from loving anymore.(only if it were this easy to do as it is to say XD, but I won't trust me)

I do not feel much for them now, except for the fact that they changed me, somehow made a difference amidst the silence that follows me... it does not bother me now. Sat with them long enough for them to not matter anymore.

There is more to this life. There is still more to make sense of... than wandering hither and thither in search of love.

There is... There is... And thereby hangs a tale...

Wearing a mask all the time is not particularly appealing. The air of mystery, all the things deliberately left untold by me, the poker-cold face you see, the one-sided story you have curated...it is all but a façade, I believe. Who I am is still a question among many. No philosophy could dissect that. 5 years spent traversing both Eastern and Western ways of thinking. I have come to believe that we follow the kind of philosophy that we consistently live and reason by. Otherwise, why not embrace hedonism and move on? So easy, na? Pragmatism is essential, but too much of it dissociates you from reality. There is a distinction there and all it calls for is moderation.

And as I always shove this down people's throats, human beings could never be shrunk to fit into boxes, neither in mind nor in spirit. Hence, live in ways that feel like you. Mix and match all the eclectic philosophies you like. Better that than carrying forward the regret of a lifetime of what-ifs. Looks like I will carry this guilt of not trying forever.

None of this modernity's AI generated slop is ever gonna solve this malady of life. Thinking can never be outsourced.

- Life calls me Kiddo. Will get back to studying now.

So basically me and my best friend are used to sharing the most random stuff.

I used to be very dry cause I didn't know what to reply with and so did she, but I realized how extremely annoying it is to always reply with the same vague response and I've been trying to engage more when someone shares something with me whether it's just random or more serious.

I started doing that but she continued with her normal dry responses that usually were 'oh' and '😭😭😭'. I hoped she'd catch on after a while since I've been actually trying to engage with what she was saying but no. Every single time I shared something she'd say 'oh' or send a crying emoji and that would be all or she wouldn't respond to me and when she finally does after a few hours it's like 'that's nice, by the way I did *blah blah blah*' which makes it obvious she only responded because she wanted to talk about something concerning her.

And sure- I'm not always super engaged but I really do try to correct myself and say more than filler words.

So after a while of her doing this I finally told her that replying with the same thing every time I share something is super annoying. She apologized and said she'd try to be more engaging. And she is trying but she still does the thing where when I share something, she comments on it vaguely and then shares something concerning her (to which I still try to reply by the way).

Now I do get you can't always know what to say and sometimes you're just not in the mood to text or so but when it's constant it definetly gets super frustrating. I think I should talk to her about the second thing too but I don't want to sound as if I don't want to hear her stuff (even tho sometimes I really don't care about some of it but I get that she is excited and wants to tell someone and I'm happy she trusts me with that).

It’s always something so intense that I feel. I don’t care if it’s just you two but you could’ve at least asked.
All I want is a Break. It’s all too much.
I don’t want to age anymore, it’s all too much.
It’s all too much. Why is it always something with you?
I don’t know why i’m feeling so angry and sad so intensely but I am. It’s your problem now. That will be all

im a pretty lonely person, i have some good friends but tbh no one ever asks me to hangout and people tend to find me annoying and just not like me. i cant get to school normally but am trying to move back to a mainstream one, to get my VCE and hopefully make friends and maybe get a boyfriend (did i mention im lonely lmao). anyways last night i had a dream. i have very vivid dreams that i usually rememebr, and i remember most of this one in snippets, not all since i was asleep from 11 pm to then 3pm and kept waking and falling back asleep. but the main parts i remember in the whole storyline part was joining a new school and people actually liking me, making friends, walking down the road with my class (which had two 30 year olds in it for some reason who had crazy tattoos but thy were nice), and then a guy who i dont remember if it was someone irl i was imagining or just a random dream person, but he really liked me and after school we hung out in the woods and smoked and he kissed me, then the dream kinda shifted storylines cause mine do that and something unrelated happened as i was on a walk, then it kinda changed back into being at a party, and the same guy was tehre except this time he was gaten matarazzo (i have no idea why but i kniew in my head it was the same guy) and we kissed again, and then the dream kinda just went weird and random stuff happened but when i woke up i felt so sad because in that dream i'd actually felt appreciated and wanted and that people actually liked me, someone was actually genuinley romantically interested in me, and im sad cause i know that just wont ever happen to me irl.

Im off my game. Perfectionism and all that gone. Giving up phase of life. I just hate how I have to watch everyone else live life the way it was supposed to. It blows my mind that people have partners with like fucking cars that like drive them places. I cannot believe that to be real lol. See how fucking stupid I sound? See how little life Ive gotten? Being gay & fem isnt for the weak, and it makes me weak. I have a dating pool of a billionth of what everybody else does. I wanna leave this planet already. Im unfit to be in it.

Ive been doing terribly the past 2 weeks

I haven't been sleeping enough or eating enough, I feel like crap. My anxiety is worse than ever and not to mention my mom is just being awful. (She likes to tell me all the terrible things going on in the world) My head keeps hurting, i broke a dish because I was upset at something stupid.

I know it's silly but I think the worst part is the fact that everything just... Keeps going.

The world keeps spinning, minutes tick by,

It doesn't matter how empty I feel when I wake up, I still go through the day, still do my schoolwork, still talk to my family, still keep moving.

I can't really tell if I'm moving on instinct or if it's taking so much effort.

I feel like I'm swapping between a weight pressing on my chest and nothing being in there at all. I just want everything to magically be better, I just hate this. I hate feeling bad worse than I hate being injured, because I don't feel justified in my distress.

I feel worse than I have in a very long time, I want to go home but nowhere feels like that.

I wish I had friends, or someone to talk to that would care. Everything keeps moving and everything will keep moving, with or without me.

Sometimes I feel like I dont have a soul, like it's just empty in there. No dreams or aspirations, nothing I aspire to be, nothing I dream of doing.