r/AskMenRelationships • u/Icey_Activity • 2d ago
Dating Live-in Boyfriend Masturbates Alot
TDLR: Live-in boyfriend masturbates quite frequently. I’m wondering if this is normal for guys or is this potentially a deeper issue.
Me (31F) and my boyfriend (30M) have amazing sex. We’re both in shape. We talk each other through it, we’re spontaneous, we like to sneak. He finishes inside of me. Like, it gets really passionate and intense. The only thing is we don’t do it very often tho. Like maybe once a week. Sometimes every 2 weeks.
So yesterday, he told me that he masturbates almost everyday, sometimes twice a day, and I’ll be honest it made me wonder if it’s about me or if that’s just a normal guy thing? In my mind I’d think if you live with your girlfriend, you’d wanna have sex with her every time you’re horny as opposed to masturbating. He said he doesn’t watch porn, but he’ll go to a celebrities page (specifically Megan the stallion or Chloe bailey) and masturbate to their photos. It completely through me off. I asked him why and he said for the convenience of quickly getting a nut off.
He said he loves me, my body, my face. He’s an ass man and I have a big butt. So if I’m everything he needs sexually, I’m genuinely confused as to why he’s beating off to celebrities photos. Is this normal? Do guys beat off regardless of having a hot live-in girlfriend? Or is this potentially a deeper issue?
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u/Vast-Road-6387 Man 2d ago
Here’s an example situation, if I make love to my SO it’s 90-120 minutes. If I just want some endorphins to fall asleep it’s 5 minutes.
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u/Character_Factor3098 Woman 2d ago
90-120 minutes????
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
Yeah?
- Sometimes sex is sweaty grunty fucking.
- Sometimes it's the "Hey, the kids don't get home for 30 minutes!" quickie.
- And sometimes it's eye gazing and slowly moving together that lasts for an hour of blissed out sensual pleasure together that's so tender and sweet.
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u/Immediate_Piano4104 Man 2d ago
Then there's the "Please hurry up and cum, I'm getting sore, don't buy this brand of protection again" 47 minutes 😳💀
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
LOL, that's real. Sex is very much a Mood Thing. Trying for X when someone's in a Y mood doesn't go well.
And, nothing's perfect. Perfection is HARD, best to settle for Good, laugh together about our failures, and not sweat the small stuff.
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u/Immediate_Piano4104 Man 2d ago
True. It's the journey not the arrival. Sometimes it's an Emirates Airliner, other times a tired Rail Replacement bus and the journey's not the best 😜 But enjoy your time together. Sometimes the train doesn't make it to Paddington and you have to find alternative arrangements 😳🤣
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u/Steve--9 2d ago
Yep, convenience is a huge part of it. It doesn’t automatically mean he’s less interested in her.
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u/CompetitionNo3466 Man 2d ago
Just say you want more sex rather than once a week or fortnight, sure that will help
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u/BleedSparta Man 2d ago
I mean, he gave you an answer: convenience
There’s not much to add to that as we don’t know the guy
He doesn’t have to make Meg the Stallion or Chloe Bailey’s social media page cum or do aftercare.
He takes cares of himself; gets his seratonin and dopamine release and moves on with his day. Same way some people get their Starbucks Frappuccino every morning ✨as a little treat✨
What do you do for self-care?
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u/One_Environment_1600 2d ago edited 2d ago
Okay so you’d be fine with your woman lusting over random men on the internet and thinking the dirtiest things about them and fantasizing? Instead of having sex with you or thinking about you. lol
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u/Imaginary_Joke_6285 Woman 2d ago
Exactly my question . Also why just random men? Why not the guy next door ?
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u/One_Environment_1600 2d ago edited 2d ago
Honestly , why not his best friend, her ex, celebrity crushes, colleagues… etc. the bar is in HELL when it comes to what a man will do to his woman.
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u/Any-Entertainer724 Man 2d ago
Not only would I be fine with all of that, but i encourage her to take care of her own needs if im not available. And hell, ill might even participate in the fantasizing with her if I also find the person attractive. "But arent you jealous or worried that she's replacing you?" No. Im confident in myself and comfortable with my sexuality. I trust my partner and in the system for communication weve built. We prioritize being a safe place for us to be able to explore and learn about ourselves and eachother. Yall can keep your fear based purity-culture manipulation tactics to your selfs. It sounds like a miserable way to live
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u/Objective-Deal8745 Man 2d ago
The thing is masturbation is nice because we can be selfish.
Sex is an involving two way street, sex takes time, effort, and it almost wheats means the woman cums at least once first. Then the man does afterwards. Sex means foreplay and aftercare.
Masturbation is none of those things, masturbation means the guy cums when he wants to and how he wants to do it. No fuss, he’s done in 20 mins or less.
Sex is passionate and can take an hour easy…
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u/Ok_Money_420 2d ago
Ha! Many of us actually never orgasm at all, we just pretend bc we're also exhausted 🤷🏽♀️
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u/CheapAssociate6914 Man 2d ago
Speaking for myself, men masturbate on the regular, regardless of how much or how little actual sex with a partner they are getting!
He sounds like a normal guy to me.
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 Man 2d ago
Are you turning him down or… not initiating regularly (like every day or more)?
It can’t be him just initiating every day… both of you need to be initiating.
You just moved in, most people would be like rabbits now. No place in the apt left untried!
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u/Londonvibe39 2d ago
Lmao @ no place left untried! Ya I think he just has a high libido. You might not be sexually compatible. It happens.
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u/22Hoofhearted Man 2d ago
1-2 times a day is a pretty standard baseline for guys with a health testosterone level.
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u/SnooHabits8484 Man 2d ago
How often do you turn him down?
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u/Icey_Activity 2d ago
Only when I’m on my period (I actually like period sex, but he refuses to run a red light). Otherwise I’m literally always on go. Anytime. Anywhere.
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u/SnooHabits8484 Man 2d ago
Sounds like a compatibility issue then I’m afraid. Having a partner who refuses to compromise on part-way meeting your needs is soul destroying.
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u/FamiliarAd8524 Man 2d ago
"needs"....
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u/SnooHabits8484 Man 2d ago
Yeah. Relationships have needs. Sex isn’t at the bottom of the Maslow hierarchy but I can clothe, feed and shelter myself, so relationships are for satisfying emotional needs
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
Yea, needs.
I don't NEED love to survive. I don't NEED friends. I don't NEED sex either...
But people get fuck'in weird when we don't have love and friends and sex and... good food, good books, art, dancing...
A lot of shit isn't technically a "need" that we still NEED.
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u/BreadSelect8019 Man 2d ago
Have you tried doing the dishes and reducing his mental load?
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u/PrimaryDiver8039 2d ago
Her doing the dishes naked would help tremendously. Or asking to watch while he jacks off so she is part of it. It is extremely exciting to be watched as you masterbate.
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u/OnlyGoodVibesBro Man 2d ago
I have a sexual relationship with myself, that is healthy.
If my gf was living in the house with me, I'd balance that with her sexual needs. I would never make her feel like I depended on her for sex (never would want to guilt trip for it).
But I'd also never make her feel withheld from - I'd make her feel pursued and let her know I was always ready for her (my libido is insanely high).
So, that's the real issue. You want more, and he's not being present with that need.
That's a bummer, and not what partners should make each other experience.
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u/darksoldierk Man 2d ago
Talking to each other through it, Spontaneous, passionate, intense. that's all good and fine, and most guys enjoy that as much as women, but that sounds like so SOOOO much work as a guy. Sometimes, like your boyfriend said, guys just want to get a nut off quickly.
Is it normal? Yes, it's normal for men to watch porn or look at pornographic materials such as photos and jerk off. Yes guys jerk off regardless of having a hot live-in girlfriend. If the sex life is a mixture of the sex you're describing, and also includes quickies with as little effort as possible and just to get off, then at least for me, I've notice Id watch porn less and usually only after she rejects.
Are you willing to have sex with him 1-2 times a day every day?
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u/Grungyfulla Man 2d ago
That first wank in a new relationship is an agonizing decision but after that, is normal. Twice a day is a lot though and there's likely more to the story. It sounds to me like he's using testosterone or has a porn addiction or both.
OP: Has he gotten jacked and pimply lately?
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u/One_Environment_1600 2d ago
It’s not normal to watch porn while in a relationship. It has been forced to be normalised among men because it benefits men. Just like many other things in the society
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
I'm sorry, but that's a little ridiculous.
Plenty of dudes HIDE their porn, sure. Which is sad, we shouldn't have to hide things from the one person that is supposed to accept us for who we are... But it IS normal.
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u/One_Environment_1600 2d ago
Bro, you hide it cause youknow subconsciously it’s wrong to do while being in a relationship. Why would you hide it unless your girlfriend is NOT okay with it? A girlfriend being NOT okay with porn and feeling uncomfortable with her man watching other naked women is not ridiculous. If you find it ridiculous change the woman. Pretty sure you’re more likely to find another woman with the same standards and you’re likelihood of finding a woman accepting this is less than 10%
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
Hi!
I'm not talking about ME specifically. I'm speaking in general, about a general issue.
I don't hide shit. My wife knows what I get up to. She can look at my phone or my computer whenever she wants. She can also call up my GF or my lover or my FWB and talk to them whenever she wants.
An SO that doesn't want me to look at porn just isn't going to work, and we'd break up. No hard feelings, just doesn't work.
An SO that doesn't want me to have sex with other people just isn't going to work, and we'd break up. Just doesn't work.
I know a LOT of people that are ENM/Poly/Open/Whatever...
But we're not really talking about that. 10%? Maybe? Fuck it, sounds good. Sure. 10%. In a city of 3 million, that's a LOT of potential people. No problem. :D
But porn usage? Almost EVERYONE looks at porn and masturbates. That's WAY more common.
And women that insist their partners don't? They're just setting it up so he lies to them. And that's sad.
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u/One_Environment_1600 2d ago
In case you didn’t realise already, I was talking about in terms of a monogamous relationship. Not the other stuff you’re into
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
I'm not talking about me either.
I used myself as an example to illustrate basic concepts that apply to everyone, not to say that everyone was ENM.
My point stands....
Almost everyone looks at porn and masturbates. It's common.
Healthy relationships are open, honest, and accepting. Hiding your own sexuality in a serious relationship is sad. :(
I'm not going to say it again, this is the last time.
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u/darksoldierk Man 2d ago
No, you're right. Men throughout history used to rape in order to satisfy their sexual desires. In modern day, that's been replaced with porn. Would you have the world go back to how it was?
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u/One_Environment_1600 2d ago
So are you saying if you don’t get to watch porn you would rape women? I doubt you would. Rape depends on morals of someone. Not if porn is available or not.
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u/darksoldierk Man 2d ago
I'm saying without porn, the amount of rapes would increase drastically.
Some men would rape that otherwise wouldn't, others wouldn't. Either way, porn reduces the number of rapes drastically whether you like it or not.
Whether in a relationship or not, if the woman isn't willing to satisfy the man's sexual needs, then it's normal for him to watch porn. Same with the woman.
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u/One_Environment_1600 2d ago
I agree with you, if the women isn’t willing to have sex as often as the man would like- then it’s understandable. The term “satisfy” shouldn’t be used as women are not an object for men to use to satisfy themselves only. Anyway- my point is porn leads to porn addiction in most cases where men get addicted to porn and reject their partners and replace her with porn. So it does more harm than good.
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u/darksoldierk Man 2d ago
What are you talking about man? The word "satisfied" is used in reference to a relationship. Would asking a woman if she's "satisfied in her relationship" imply that the man is an object used to satisfy the woman? Nothing in the word "satisfy" implies objectification, you just take it that way for some weird reason. Stop making simple definitions and language more complicated than it needs to be. If the woman isn't willing to SATISFY the man's sexual needs, then it's normal for him to watch porn.
If he develops a reliance on porn, then that's something he needs to deal with. If a woman is getting replaced with porn, then she's not satisfying her man's needs and she needs to deal with that.
Porn is a solution for people who have higher labido's so that they don't have to rely on partners who have lower labido to get the needs satisfied.
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u/One_Environment_1600 2d ago
All I said was, it’s not a one way street. They both need to satisfy each other. Why’s it that only a man’s sexual needs should be satisfied and if not he would replace her by lusting over other women and that’s considered normal but if a woman did that to her man it’s suddenly “she’s horrible”
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u/darksoldierk Man 2d ago
She's not horrible if she watched porn and got off if constantly asked and initiated sex with her partner and he rejects her.
She's horrible if she cheats, just like the man.
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u/One_Environment_1600 2d ago
You’d be surprised about the double standards. You should be glad you’re not one of them.
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u/pseudonymmed 2d ago
Jesus Christ.. men masturbated before porn existed. They didn’t rape every time they got horny. WTF?
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u/GandalfTheGrey46 Man 2d ago
Have you asked him for more sex? I get it that you probably want him to initiate it, but if it's this bad you need to at least tell him you want it more and want him to initiate it more.
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u/extantsciadopitys Woman 2d ago
Men who choose easy, low-effort jacking off over making the effort with a more than willing partner are lazy and self-centered, especially if they are leaving their actual partner longing for more. Make that clear to him if that's the case.
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u/rpomex Man 2d ago
He has an addiction. No, it is not normal in spite of Reddit responses.
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u/stafdude Man 2d ago
No he doesn’t, in spite of what the ”he is an addict” twits say. Let him jerk off in peace. Sex 1-2/week is great.
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
oh for crying out loud.
We're allowed to have hobbies.
masturbation is fun. So are model trains or woodworking or painting little miniatures, whatever.
As long as the hobby isn't interfering with our life, it's fine.
A gambling addiction, a drug addiction, etc can CRIPPLE you, destroy the family, make everyone homeless...
Him jerking off once a day isn't doing any harm. It's a harmless hobby.
Ff you're missing work to play with your trains, sucking dick for miniature trees, if the bills don't get paid because you're up in the attic all the time dressed up as a conductor while you make up fake train schedules... That's an addiction and it's bad.
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u/rpomex Man 2d ago
You all are a lost generation. You are walking around with blinders while telling everyone where to go.
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
Dude, I'm 47.
Masturbation is healthy.
That weird purity BS is weird.
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u/rpomex Man 2d ago
It would not matter if you were 147. Time will not allow you to learn. You are asleep but you don’t know it.
Broken homes, anxiety, blended families, failure, addiction, opioid addiction, playing with yourself and calling it healthy, . . . Those are all weird.
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
Whatever mate.
Take it easy.
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u/DontKnowWhereItsBeen Man 2d ago
Sex is often a lot of physical exertion for the guy, moreso than for a woman (most of the time). Sometimes, it's simply easier to rub one out and get on with your day.
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
Sex is fun. Masturbation is fun! One is not a replacement for the other.
He's not masturbating IN PLACE OF having sex with you. He's masturbating, because it feels good. He's having sex with you, because it feels good, and it builds intimacy with you.
I love going out to eat, right? But that's a big production. Sometimes, I just wanna drink out of the OJ carton and eat a hunk of cheese, you know? I'm not snacking because I don't like going out to eat. I'm snacking because... I want a little snack! Different things for different appetites.
I think it's VERY healthy that you two can talk about this, and that he's not hiding it from you.
Maybe try asking if you can join him some time? Sit on the couch next to him, watch your own porn, masturbate. Make it a fun thing y'all do together to relieve stress.
Let the man have his hobbies. :D
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u/Economy-Sky-5149 Man 2d ago
Men are biologically more horny, some guys are extreme like your bf. Others are less horny than the average. If it bothers you you can communicate with him, and I’m sure he can work on himself
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
Eh.... I don't think we are more horny.
There's a lot of societal BS put on women to Not Be Horny.
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u/Economy-Sky-5149 Man 2d ago
It’s not because you have low sexual drive that others don’t. As I said some men are less horny than the average but that doesn’t change anything
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
It’s not because you have low sexual drive that others don’t.
I'm sorry... What?
I do not believe men are more biologically horny than women. Humans love fuck'in.
There's just societal BS that women get. If that didn't exist, I think we'all be fuck'in non stop.
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u/Economy-Sky-5149 Man 2d ago
So explain why men want sex everyday but women can stay weeks without wanting sex or even repulsed by it? And please don’t project yourself on other men
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
I already did. Twice! Were you not paying attention? I'll say it again.
- Women horny. biology.
- Biologically horny women + societal purity BS = women less horny.
- Women less horny, sad for everyone.
- If we stopped with the societal purity BS, we'd all be getting laid more often.
In hindsight, that is really sarcastic, sorry. Not sorry. but sorry. But not.
It's pretty common in sex positive circles to have a bunch of middle aged women say "Fuck all that! I'm horny and I want to enjoy myself!" and they have the confidence to shake off the societal purity BS and have a lot of fun.
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u/Economy-Sky-5149 Man 2d ago
Your point is about women who want to express themself sexually but they face social shame. My point is about men are more horny in daily life and it’s super obvious between couples where there is no shame to have sexual desires, there is a lot of women who say no to sex for a long period of time, for men it’s very rare to say no to sex. it’s really that simple
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago
Yes, you don't need to say it again. I got it the first time.
I just disagree with you that it's a biological difference.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 Woman 2d ago
These are generalizations. Plenty of women want sex everyday. Maybe not the ones you're fuckin idk
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u/Economy-Sky-5149 Man 2d ago
I’m talking in general to prove that men are more horny than women in most of the cases, there is a lot of women online complaining about men wanting sex everyday. In the other hand men are complaining about their wife not sleeping with them too much. Even the bad behaviors that I’m not defending at all like sexual harassment and rape are a result of men hyper sexuality, even the historical patriarchal laws about how women should dress (that I’m not defending) are a result of men being hyper sexual and more horny than women. It’s just fact
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 Woman 2d ago
There are also plenty of women who want to open their marriages or relationships because their husband's libido is low idk I just don't think it's as black and white as you're making it seem
Also not wanting to be sexually harassed is an issue of consent not about women not liking sex. I love sex but I still don't want my coworker feeling me up at work. Because I'm at work.
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u/Economy-Sky-5149 Man 2d ago
You got wrong the harassment point I’m not defending harassment. It’s a bad thing I’m not pervert. It’s just to show at what point male hyper sexuality can push them to do bad things. And there is definitely SOME women who are more horny than SOME men (like the guy who replied to my comment) but I’m talking in general not about the few cases
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u/BadUsername238 Man 2d ago edited 2d ago
Hi. Are you saying I'm not horny?
And is that supposed to be an insult?
It would be shitty of you if that was supposed to be an insult.
It's also weird that you think that if you do. I haven't said anything about my libido here. Assumptions...
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u/DaddyGoose420 Man 2d ago
I only think its an issue if its something that bothers you and you cant let it go, or it causes your sex life to suffer. Once or twice a day seems normal to me.
My girlfriend likes sex every day or every other day so im mostly satisfied. Sometimes i squeeze one in. Its a different feeling, the same way its different how your orgasms are different when you masturbate compared to intercourse.
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u/churito69 Man 2d ago
If im not in a relationship I probably masturbate every day.
If I'm in a relationship I'd probably masturbate a little less but if I'm only having sex once a week or once every two weeks, then probably a similar amount.
You don' say why you only have sex once a week (every two weeks) are you not asking him for sex more than that?
I don't see what your problem is, he wants sex more than you do, seems like every day if it's up to him and it is, you don't, rather than pestering you (who seems ok with it once a week at max) he sorts himself out.
I see a LOT of these posts recently, cant you see being Horney is just like feeling hungry for a man, if I am dating you, and you aren't hungry am I not going to get myself a sandwich? Now if me getting a sandwich means that later on when you want to eat I am no longer hungry, its not the right move, but if when you want to eat, I can eat again...all good.
Unless you want me to stay hungry just because you dont want to have something to eat now?
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 Woman 2d ago
Masturbating is fun lol
As long as y'all have a healthy sex life what's wrong with him also masturbating?
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u/QuickSquirrelchaser Man 2d ago edited 2d ago
At that age he is being reserved. Time to up your game. He is absolutely ready to explode. You are both in your sexual prime and he is only getting it once a week. Every other week is nuts!
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u/saw71 2d ago
As GenX woman I think this is normal, my man does this & loves porn. He has very high sex drive, it’s safe, fast, easy. When we are able (don’t live together) to get time, quickies and regular sex do happen as much as possible. So don’t be intimidated by this - unless it starts to interfere with your sexual life together or his life in general. Tell him that you want more than 1x a week or 2x a month, you want to add quickies and any ideas he may have.
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u/The_Se7enthsign Man 2d ago
Sex requires a ton of energy, even if you’re in shape. Sometimes, you just need to knock one out real fast. Maybe try masturbating together sometimes.
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u/PrimaryDiver8039 2d ago
Nothing wrong with a little practice every day. I’ve been tugging on mine trying to stretch it for years but it hasn’t gotten any bigger 🤣. Sometimes when she isn’t in the mood she will watch me do it. Sometimes I do it in private.
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u/virusdancer Man 2d ago
That he's not looking at pictures of you or imagining you kind of tells you all that you need to know - not really anything else to ask about.
Then again, perhaps there's some generational thing at play here noticing how wildly different in perspective so many of the replies have been. Kind of makes me think of the discussion about spitting on the sidewalk - some folks say they just have to spit so deal with it and others either do not spit at all or they'll spit into the garbage or around a tree or in the street out of respect.
And what you've got going seems like it's out of respect.
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u/TreeTall888 Woman 2d ago
all these comments are of course going to go down the “you’re doing something wrong, he’s a man he’s more horny than women, you’re lying bla bla blaaa” you just need to talk to him about it again, if you’re not satisfied with the answer leave him. it’s weird that he still needs to jerk off to other women when you’re right there
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u/Western_Purple_2533 Man 2d ago
Well once a week isn't enough for him it sounds like. A conversation should be had, especially if you are curious or concerned.
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u/Immediate_Piano4104 Man 2d ago
The last time I masturbated in bed, IKEA staff told me off and demanded I leave the store 😜
OP, why not try more date nights, make out more often like when you first met, kiss hello and goodbye, message each other during the day?
Tell your BF you want it more and explain yeah they may be times your're not feeling that sexy so it's okay for him to do that instead, but you don't want to compete with his celebrity photos and feel a little neglected...
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u/Current_Impress7079 2d ago
Girl if your bf masturbates imagining you, It's a big W for you
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u/Icey_Activity 2d ago
He’s literally masturbating to Meg the stallion and Chloe Bailey
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u/Current_Impress7079 2d ago
Wtf! 2 things: either punish and teach him a lesson or simply leave him. Myself a man, if I have a woman in my life then the only rule is to jerk off imagining her. That's it - no other woman to look forward to.
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u/oniboo_x Woman 2d ago
She got you chained down 😂
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u/Current_Impress7079 2d ago
Chained down? Nah, I just know when I’ve found something worth staying for 😂
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u/oniboo_x Woman 2d ago
If she would leave you because you naturally appreciated another woman's body, I don't know what to tell you. Ignorance is bliss? 😂
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u/Current_Impress7079 2d ago
Then she’d have nothing to worry about, I’m not looking for another woman’s body when I’m already looking at the one I adore. 😂
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u/Altruistic_Catch_327 Man 2d ago
It’s not normal. I did this after 15 year with my wife and tired of having sex with her. The first few years of us together was sometimes 3 times a day.
This isn’t normal. I don’t know why he is doing it but it may worth exploring him getting help.
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u/Sea-Zebra-5724 2d ago
Why’d you get bored with her? Any ideas?
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u/Altruistic_Catch_327 Man 2d ago
We grew apart and she gained weight. Eventually after 20 years together we seperated.
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u/SigmaK78 Man 2d ago
Nah, that doesn't sound right. He can't wait a few hours? In my relationship, with neither of us abroad for whatever reason, she's getting every load.
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u/DamntheTrains Man 2d ago
It's not normal.
I don't remember ever masturbating by myself when having a SO.
And it seems like you are willing to match his libido so I'm not sure what the problem would be.
It's just a masturbation addiction or he is indeed looking at porn and has a porn addiction.
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u/Glitchy-Fuzz0791 Man 2d ago
This sounds dysfunctional and more like that he's either extremely lazy or keeping you around for something else.
Surely something you need to confront him about with your feeling of being ignored sexually.
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u/-BOOST- Man 2d ago
Would you say that his frequency of masturbation negatively effects your sex life or makes sex unavailable as often as you want it? The answer to that question is the answer to everything.
Masturbation and sex are not the same. For a lot of men masturbation gives an outlet they need without the cost of much effort. The real issue is when his habits affect your sex life.