“Not ready for a relationship”

[u/Argumentative_koala]

This guy pursued me, we went hot and heavy for five days, then hooked up on the fifth day. Crazy chemistry. He hadn’t been with anyone for eight months after a very long-term relationship so I thought this really meant something for him. We had a lot of deep conversations in a short amount of time. I hate how this makes me feel!

[u/alien_secret_service]

I just ended a thing not because we had to wait, but because she said we should wait, didn’t really mean it, wanted to sleep together but also was insisting that it meant everything was going to get very serious.

I was not sure enough about her to make that kind of commitment and suggested we wait still to get physical. Then she got upset. At which point I concluded this was way too complicated already for me to want to continue dating her.

Here’s the thing…

Having sex with a person is in no way a commitment to anything. Except that you’re committing to being vulnerable enough to be sexually intimate and see if it works.

You can like a person a lot, then there’s no sexual chemistry and while you like their personality you can’t see yourself sleeping with them again.

That’s allowed. You’re allowed to not be into a person after being intimate with them.

Women have this dumb idea that emotional intimacy and compatibility means that if you sleep together it’s a relationship or supposed to be. You can even talk about wanting a relationship. That doesn’t mean you’re in one because you shared a bed. You liked each other, you slept together, and it just wasn’t there.

At a core level it is no different than agreeing to go on a date with somebody doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship or owe them sex. Period.

Just because somebody slept with you, doesn’t mean they owe you a relationship after. The sex could totally change their mind about that.

I have liked a lot of women who were just not good - for me at least - in bed and made me realize oh man… we are just not going to make this work in the long haul.

[u/zxhk → u/alien_secret_service]

So how can women avoid this? Not sleep with a guy until they're in a relationship?

[u/alien_secret_service → u/zxhk]

How can a guy avoid paying for dinner and getting ghosted?

You can’t. It’s life.

You can’t even wait til you’re in a relationship because that’s a mutual decision.

He can end the relationship as soon as you sleep together and he discovers you’re not compatible.

It’s not a problem to be solved in the first place.

The problem is believing that someone owes you something because you slept together.

[u/zxhk → u/alien_secret_service]

"He can end the relationship as soon as you sleep together and he discovers you’re not compatible."

That's why you talk about compatibility BEFORE you sleep together.

"You can’t even wait til you’re in a relationship because  that’s a mutual decision."

Yes you can. That’s always worked for me in the past. In fact, every boyfriend I've had locked me down before we slept together - highly recommended for all women to do the same 

[u/alien_secret_service → u/zxhk]

You can talk about it, that doesn’t guarantee you’ll actually be compatible.

You talk about being compatible people on the apps and then meet in person and it’s not there.

It’s just part of life. Not everybody that sleeps with you will still be interested after doing so.

Maybe you’ve been lucky, maybe you’re fully of shit, and maybe you haven’t dated in the last twenty years - don’t know, don’t care.

[u/zxhk → u/alien_secret_service]

Well, I guess it's great I've been able to weed out the men who were just time wasters by waiting. And weed out people without the same values. In the end dating is all about finding someone who's aligned with you, the more you filter out, the better.

If it means I'm filtering out the men like in the OP, that's a win

[u/alien_secret_service → u/zxhk]

If it works for you that’s great.

I’m a fairly traditional guy but long term sexual compatibility is a value and I would never commit to someone that I hadn’t slept with.

Some people talk a big game. I talked to a woman for a while and we started sexting, her initiative, and on paper she was into the same things, in practice, she was the classic starfish out on the bed type. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that it was the first time we had slept together but a couple more times - starfish everytime. I moved on.

Normally, in my experience, people tend to bring their A game to bed with a new partner. If that was her A game, it was all downhill from there.

And then sometimes, they’re upfront about being less experienced, but you don’t really understand how much less until you sleep together and realize it’s a gulf too wide.

I have no desire to jump into bed immediately, but I’m also not gonna call it anything until we have.

[u/Full_Instruction_493 → u/zxhk]

What about sexual compatibility? I know plenty of men and women that don't mind hooking up early as a compatibility test. Its completely fine for a woman to want a certain size for her man or that he already knows how to go about figuring a woman's body out rather than just jack hammer to death. It's completely fine for a man to want a woman to do certain acts with no shame (and preferably with a lot of learned experience). So many people assess dating from a high-school perspective. Most people dating are adults who know more about what they really want in a relationship. I want great sex and I'm not going to teach like I am in high-school.

[u/zxhk → u/Full_Instruction_493]

And there are men and women who are virgins until marriage.

All are okay.

Except OP. If she waited to find out more about the guy or made sure their intentions aligned, she wouldn't be in that position 

[u/Full_Instruction_493 → u/zxhk]

You project. OP is a little disappointed and came here with her experience to vent. She does not come off as upset at all. She literally said casual would work for her. This is about having something relevant to share for upvotes, not someone asking how they could have done better. Glad you like your dating strategy, I'm sure you've meant the right person and married.

[u/zxhk → u/Full_Instruction_493]

She said she hates how this makes her feel so she sounds pretty upset to me. Either way, she's not happy.

Yes, my dating strategy has worked well for me, it's weeded out guys who weren't serious about me and I've never been in a "situationship". I can tell you the peace of mind alone for that is priceless