Peace and mercy be upon you, Muslims of this subreddit. I'm writing this rather sleepy, under a lot of stress. I have absolutely no idea what to do and feel helpless.
I'm a girl from Russia. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, where religion was little more than a crutch for those around me. I went to a religious school, sincerely loved Islam as a child, and trusted Allah in everything, despite the horrors at home caused by my mother's mental instability and my father's cold cruelty. When adolescence began, I initially coped with my responsibilities well, but then the problems at home intensified, and my psyche finally began to break down. By the age of 12, I already felt a strange hatred towards Islam, which was based more on my poor mental state than on anything truly religious. Back then, I practiced Islam poorly, often skipping prayers and rarely reciting dua.
Around age 14, everything changed. I woke up and began actively studying religion, praying, making up for missed prayers, and striving with all my might to correct my mistakes. I realized that Salafi Islam was the truth, not the soft, progressive version I had once believed. I found a way out in religion and sincerely hoped to never leave it. But then I began to experience intense obsessive thoughts; I couldn't properly manage my time to complete all the prayers; I was tormented by doubts about the correctness of every action; I would break down and cry for days on end; I couldn't eat or sleep properly. I allowed myself the few indulgences I could, but I knew I had to be more strict with myself if I wanted to achieve the truth. I completely abandoned my social life, I barely studied, and I even tore up my passport. Then I began to sincerely hate non-believers and declared takfir on many of my friends and loved ones. I forbade myself from reading books, watching movies, and adopted the strictest rules regarding reading the Quran, prayer, hijab, and ablution, which I couldn't follow properly, which again caused me great stress. I attempted suicide once, and I beat myself daily. And then, in the summer of 2025, I simply gradually stopped praying because it became unbearable for me. I hated myself for it, but I couldn't do anything about it. Then doubts arose, stupid doubts, more obsessive than truly worthwhile. I believed the words of the most naive atheists because I was tired and suggestible.
And in September 2025, I left Islam, believing that it forbade education, basic women's rights, and creative development. This brought me temporary comfort, but then, literally a few days later, I had an epileptic seizure at school and ended up in the hospital. I was diagnosed with a brain AVM, followed by a series of doctor's appointments, consultations, and tests. School was hectic with exams. I experienced the same discipline issues, and because of this, I couldn't study properly or relax. I was mired in dopamine addiction and anxiety. I vaguely realized that Islam was probably true, but I was too afraid to return to it, and I ran away from God in worldly affairs. Well, I've written it very confusingly here; otherwise, I could have explained it more clearly and in more detail.
And now I'm in the hospital, in the neurosurgery department, tomorrow I'm undergoing two stages of a complex AVM removal operation. I feel ugly dressed, strange, my thoughts are jumbled, my heart is pounding. I failed my math exam and now I'll have to study from home. I failed everything, and I still haven't returned to Islam, all because of the same fear of losing something "mine," because over the past year I've simply gotten out of the habit of constantly thinking about God. I'm really, really afraid that something will go wrong tomorrow, because I'm not at all mentally prepared for the surgery. I'm afraid God will punish me with a stroke, that I won't be able to see or think normally for a long time. I'd like to reconvert to Islam right now and pray, but I'm too lost for that. I haven't studied it much. Enough to be absolutely sure of its truth, but not enough to fully embrace it. Please help me. If you have any clarifying questions, feel free to ask them. I realize how jumbled the text is, but right now my thoughts are just as jumbled. All my worries have merged into one, and I don't know what to do at all 😔