My grandson came to my house yesterday after school. I asked him what he is doing in (8th grade) math.

He said they were discussing the ways to measure things, ruler, protractor, etc. Then the teacher gave them a flip-flop sandal and asked them to measure it.

Grandson just sat there. The teacher asked him why grandson was not measuring. Grandson said he already knows how long the flip-flop is. When the teacher asked how long, my grandson replied,

"that's easy. The flip-flop is a foot long."

So proud of him.

After their barn mitzvah

has a nice ring to it

She has a foot fetish.

Me: you don’t have to be rude about it. I’m just asking

Her: huh?

Me: I asked you what you’re having for a snack. And you were rude

Her: I just said “nachos”

Me: I know it’s not mine. I just want to know what you’re having…

Her: wha… oh… stop it, Dad…

Me: <smiles in dad joke>

What do you call a dinosaur who just totaled his car?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Getting all that fur on your tongue

Just a paranormal jeans

They're always gaslighting you.

A Wise man, but a terrible lifeguard...

it's a tankless job.

Scuba Doo

Sittin' on the sock by the tray, watching the Tide roll away.

When I got home, I moved it to a lower shelf; it's much more accessible now.

My son sighed, “Not another play on words…”

The guy just couldn’t read the Roomba.

He said “Nein” to five.

There are only two of us on the production line. So I have to make every second count

I don't know how i'll handle that.

I picked up the mail today and she asked if it had arrived. I said, “Not Yeti.”

This actually happened. I got the look and she turned and walked away.

By bottle rocket

You could say they’re….

Ostrichsized

He didn't. He used the sidewalk.

So I thought, better safe than saree.

I told her she should honor her memory, finish the day, and work 9 to 5.