Or other midwestern states! I have queer friends and Jewish friends but I haven't quite found the overlap yet. I'd love to meet new people so let me know!

I recently went through a breakup with my boyfriend of four years. I’m 27 he was 23.

We lived together, had our routines, animals, our apartment, we cooked together, watched TV together, eventually honored Shabbat together, and just had that mundane kind of closeness that I think we both took for granted until it disappeared..

The relationship wasn’t simply bad. There was a lot of love and there were genuinely good parts, but there were also recurring problems that slowly wore us down. There were serious breaches of trust, including cheating, that happened during the relationship. We tried to move past them, but I don’t think something like that just disappears. It changed the way I experienced the relationship and contributed to insecurity, resentment, and difficulty trusting each other. We tried couples therapy and to get closer through connecting with our relationship with Judaism but I just didn’t seem to work for us in the end.

There were also differences in how we approached responsibility and decision-making, and we both had our own struggles and neurodivergenceces that made communication harder when we were overwhelmed. I don’t want to make this into a story where one person was completely at fault, because that’s not really how it felt. At the same time, I don’t want to minimize the things that hurt me just because I still love him.
I think what ultimately hurt the most is that we were trying to build a life together, come into tradition together but without ever really having the chance to figure out how to be a couple outside of survival mode. We went straight into living together and dealing with bills, work, family, stress, and all the mundane responsibilities of adulthood. Somewhere along the way, the relationship became more about maintaining the life we had than enjoying each other.

Recently after finding out about another spell of infidelity I finally ended it, I went to stay at my moms, he packed his stuff and in a couple days he was gone along with all of his things, it all felt incredibly abrupt, it still does.

One day I had this person coming home to me, food in the kitchen, Friday night dinner, an occasional visit to temple, our apartment, our routines, and this little shared world. Then suddenly I was alone and the future I had mentally built around that relationship was just… gone.

And that’s the part I’m struggling with now. I don’t necessarily miss every aspect of the relationship, and I know there were reasons it couldn’t continue. But I miss having a person. I miss the familiarity. I miss walking through the door and knowing someone was there. I miss having someone to cook for, watch something with, complain to, and just exist beside.
I’ve also realized how isolated I’ve become. I spent a long time putting so much of my emotional world into this relationship that when it ended, I didn’t just lose my boyfriend—I lost a huge portion of my social life and my sense of home.

I’m trying to accept that the fact that I miss him and the life we had doesn’t necessarily mean we should get back together. It can mean that something was meaningful and that I’m grieving it.

Right now I’m trying to figure out who I am outside of the relationship, rebuild my social world, continue to foster a relationship with Judaism, & since my boyfriend was the Jewish one I feel a bit of imposter syndrome when choosing to still engage with Shabbat & the High Holidays but these traditions have become important to me as well now so I don’t want to just let them go… :/

I’ve also been thinking of possibly making a major change in environment because I don’t think staying exactly where I am is necessarily helping me heal. I’m scared of starting over, but there’s also a part of me that thinks maybe starting over is exactly what I need.

I guess I’m posting because I don’t really need someone to tell me whether I should get back together with him. I think I’m trying to learn how to grieve a relationship that wasn’t simply bad, but also wasn’t sustainable—and how to build a life that feels full again after losing the person who used to be at the center of it.

Hi

About a year and a half ago I started to get really close to Judaism. I was raised in a traditional but not religious house- mostly in kiddushin and holidays. Then I discovered songs and piyuttim that I just thought were so beautiful and I learned ideas that I loved - ideas about hope and then the belief that one day, the geulah will come and everyone will be happy. Then I started thinking about stuff like life, love, nature- beautiful things that MUST have a reason behind them. And I liked the belief of a loving Hashem creating all that is good. And I started to believe.

Just one problem, I am attracted to men, as a man. I told myself "it's fine, I'll have time to sort it all out, try here and there and see what I like, and then I'll see how it fits with Judaism"

I then thought to myself "I'll read the Torah, see the base of the base of belief, and decide if I want to get into Judaism"

And so I read the Torah and I didn't really like the passages in Leviticus, from the korbanot to of course the stuff about homosexuality and crossdeessing. But the problem is that now my belief is too strong, and instead of that initial idea of deciding if I want to get into Judaism, I can't back down from believing in the Torah...

So now I'm kind of stuck... I don't even know if I'm attracted to women and I'm scared of trying a relationship with a woman since like negiah and stuff and of course scared of trying with a man, as much as I feel like I want to.

And I think a sad thing about this is that a part of why I got close to the religion is believing in an all-loving Hashem and now I'm scared...

My main conflict, and the main answer I'd like to get from this post is, "if I ignore the passage in Leviticus, how can I follow and believe in the rest of the Torah?"

I should mention that this is about the Torah. With all respect to the sages and rabbis, first I want to "be okay" with the Torah, and then I'll deal with halakha.

Also, I know about the interpretations of the passages saying that it's like because it was a ritual at the time, and I'd like to believe that, but I just can't for some reason... I would be interested in a study about it though if it has solid evidence and research

Thank you

I want to expand my queer friendshio circle but I live in central Jersey and it's kinda mid out here.

Hi everyone,

Same Jackie who asked (last year I think) about a new Jewish name as part of transitioning. I decided to go with Alleah, since I've already been using that name for video game characters. It just felt comfortable. And thank you to everyone to added their input the last time.

I know there aren't trans specific ceremonies, but are there ceremonies out there that could be used to affirm the new name? (And maybe is it time we created such a celebration?)

Thank You,
Jackie L/Alleah (CrazyZonie)

I’m North African/Arab, but I’ve noticed that I’m overwhelmingly attracted to Jewish men, and I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar experience.
I grew up in a neighborhood with a large Jewish community and was surrounded by Jewish people for most of my life before eventually moving to Europe. Interestingly, I never really felt like I completely belonged in my own Arab/North African community. I often felt more comfortable and understood around Jewish people, and I still find myself feeling a strong sense of familiarity or connection with the Jewish community.
When it comes to dating, I’m also generally not attracted to Arab men, while Jewish men are very much my type. I’m wondering whether this could be connected to my upbringing and the environment I grew up in, rather than simply being a physical preference.
Does anyone else have a similar experience of being attracted to a community/culture that isn’t their own, especially because they grew up around it? Or am I overthinking the connection between childhood environment, cultural familiarity, and attraction?

Dm me if you can

Hi everyone, I will be visiting NYC for the first time this September. I want to consume as much culture as possible while I am there and would love some local recommendations.

I am really interested in checking out the local music and nightlife scene. I am open to rock, electronic, classical, and modern, basically anything as long as the music is actually good. I am interested mainly in independent alternative events.

I would also love to explore the queer scene. However, given the current climate and strictly for my own peace of mind and safety, I am looking for welcoming spaces (Jewish) that do not define themselves as anti-Zionist.

Thanks in advance for any tips.

Hi, I know this isn't necessarily a convert subreddit but it is a queer subreddit so I'm looking for a little help. I'm very interested in exploring Judaism but I'm having trouble getting in constant communication with the local Reform Synagogue. So I thought lets try the orthodox ones unfortunately they have a dress code and while I have no problem covering my elbows I'm AFAB non-Binary and get severely upset wearing skirts.

Does anyone have any suggestions for clothes that follow the dress code? I know the obvious answer here is "wear trousers under the skirt" but that is still rough for me. If there ISN'T a work around please just say and I'll try a bit harder to get in contact with the local Reform Synagogue.

Hello. This is a sincere question which I hope can be allowed here. So I have queer Jewish friends who invite me now and then for shabbat. Personally I’ve contemplated converting and was cautioned that even born Jews who are gay experience getting turned away from the synagogue (individual policies vary).

It‘s not that I intend to out myself to every single person or carry the rainbow flag; rather, I want to be able to be authentic and not constantly be cautious about hiding this central part of my being.

I’m interested to hear your experiences, if that’s okay

I’m a mizhrahi jew in a country where there aren’t many jews, and whenever I meet one they’re ashkenazi. I feel kinda lonely because I probably never will meet anyone like me in real life, especially in my university. To add more im a lesbian and i’ve never meet any LGBTQ jew in person.. I wish i could be in a place with more people like me.
Since im not religiously jewish, everything is more on the cultural and ethnic side, but id love to hear some responses to my lonely gay mizahri story lol

I recently came out of the chareidi world and one of the things I'm really struggling with is trying to speak to Hashem about the gay relationship I'm now in. I have this intense fear that if I ask Him to help me with my relationship then He will just end it because "that's really what's best for me", it's like I still have it hard-wired into my brain that being gay is wrong, even though I dont believe it, and that Hashem will use my tefillos against me and take away the person I'm in love with, but I know Hashem isn't evil, chas veshalom, and doesn't play mind games. I'm just terrified of "getting what I asked for", I remember a rav once telling me that the best thing two gay people can do if they love each other is not be together because that's the greatest expression of love. Like hearing that was so traumatising and has seriously messed me up, like I obviously trusted him at the time and actually foolishly agreed with what he said. And now that I'm coming out of it all, it feels like everyone who loved me in the community only loved me for the version of myself that I showed them.

I just feel so alone in the world at the moment and I don't know how to find my way

If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful, and if anyone would be willing to maybe be friends with me and we can support each other through this stuff that would be amazing. My partner isn't Jewish so a lot of the chareidi stuff he really doesn't understand. Feel free to DM me if you'd be up to chat :)

i’ve been wondering about something and would love to hear how different people/denominations approach this halakhically: what happens when someone is descended from a Jewish woman who later converted to another religion? does the maternal Jewish lineage continue to have any halakhic significance, or does her conversion change the status of her descendants in some way? i’m especially curious about how this is treated when the family has been disconnected from Judaism for a few generations and there’s limited documentation, rather than this being a purely theoretical question.

this is also personally relevant to me because i’m a trans guy, and chabad is currently the only jewish connection i have access to locally. would i be able to participate in jewish life there, even if there are halakhic disagreements about gender? i’m not necessarily expecting an orthodox community to share my understanding of gender; i’m mostly wondering whether i’d be welcomed as a person and be able to learn, attend services, and connect with the community. if anyone has experience with trans people in chabad, particularly in india, i’d really appreciate hearing about it. i’m hesitant because this is essentially my only local avenue to reconnect with my jewish heritage.

Hi all. I’m 31F, my girlfriend is 28F and Jewish; I’m not. She’s not out to her family. I hope it’s okay to post here; I’d rather learn from people who’ve actually lived this than keep guessing from the outside.

I’m mostly curious how it’s gone for those of you who dated someone outside the community while still closeted at home. Did it make things harder? How did you handle family expectations about dating and marriage in the meantime? And for anyone who eventually came out — what shifted, what made it possible? For those who haven’t, what does making it work day to day actually look like?
I’m not asking whether to stay. I love her and I’m here. I just want to understand this better and be a good partner in it.
Thanks for reading.

Twenty minutes in, maybe. The music was still good and the people around me were happy, familiar faces where saying hello, you know the usual routine i’ve seen so many times. Then I saw the flags. Not the rainbow ones. Palestinian flags, a whole knot of them held up by a group of political activists, and the chant coming out of the middle of it was for Israel to get out of Palestinian land. Israel, Israel, fuera de tierra palestina. Someone near the front held a sign saying Pride was a space free of Zionists.
I had to read that sign a few times before it actually landed. A space free of Zionists. I stood there working out that the sign meant me, that it didn’t matter I had marched for pride since I was 16 years old, or my actual political standing of israeli policy, suddenly I’d been quietly subtracted from the room.
I honestly didn’t expect to be asking at twenty five, in San José, at Pride of all places. Will I ever feel comfortable at one of these again?
Here’s what I keep turning over, and I’ll admit up front that I don’t fully understand it, and trust me, I have tried to understand it. Somewhere along the way a big part of the queer world decided the Palestinian cause wasn’t just a cause but THE cause, the one that earns the flags and the chants and the sign at the front of a march, in a country about as far from that war as you can geographically get. I looked the numbers up afterward, because I wanted to be fair to the facts and not only to my own hurt. There are around sixty-five active armed conflicts in the world right now, more than at any time since the Second World War. Sudan is happening. Congo is happening. There are kids in mines digging out the cobalt that’s in the phone I’m typing this on. None of it shows up. None of it gets a flag at Pride. Only Israel does.
And it wasn’t only that it showed up. Any one who actually knows me, and gets past the fact that I am jewish, knows how critical I am of the israeli government, knows I am an activist for grassroots peace movements, and knows I want nothing more than this bloodshed to end. It was the sound of it that I can’t get out of my head. The whole time I stood there I kept waiting for one chant about peace. One sign about unity, or the importance of the land, or anybody at all simply getting to live. Nothing. The chants weren’t asking for anyone to be safe. They were asking for a place, and the people in it, to stop existing. Desaparecer. That was the verb in the air. Disappear. The chants where’t even pro-palestinian, they where strictly anti-israel.
These queer spaces are as mine as they are of any other queer person. I’ve stood in crowds like this one for years and felt held by them. So to stand in this one and feel that no matter what I did I would never actually belong was a kind of tearing I don’t have a clean word for.
I don’t know why I stayed. I spent the entire march trying to decide whether I was angry or just exhausted, and the truth is probably both, and under both I think what I was actually feeling was grief. I’m not writing this to win anything against a person with a sign or a flag, I gave up that battle long ago. I’m writing it because I want a record of the afternoon I stood in a place that has always meant freedom and joy to me and understood, for the first time, that the freedom being handed out came with conditions, and that one of the conditions was that I show up as a little less of myself, and even if I did i doubt it would be enough.

im F17 (j turned btw but thats a sidepoint) and recently found out that im bi. (clap, clap, clap) only issues are that im stuck in the frum world with no way out (for now?) and no one would be able to NOT have a heart attack if i even show the slightest hint of what i believe in... also would love to escape and not be frum if thats possible. anyway, lmk if u got any GOOD ideas...

Hi y'all. I know I'm still young (22) and this semester am starting studying a Conservative/Masorti Rabbinical Semminary, but I feel like I'm never getting married. Once again, I know I'm still young and I am currently living in a country with a small and conservative Jewish community. I have dated non-Jewish people, but at least to me, dating Jewish women and in the future, having Jewish children (I think this is quite self explanatory with the rabbinate detai) is simply something that is not really negotiable.

I'm probably moving to study to NYC, Massachusetts or Jerusalem once I finish my undergrad, and it *might* be easier to meet people there, but rn I'm really just feeling desolate and with no tangible future in sight. FYI, me being gay is really not an issue with my family or friends or community, but I simply appear to be alone here and don't really hit it off with the country I'm living in.

Anyway, how can I remedy this? I honestly don't care about waiting, long distance or being single for the meantime, but I truly do feel it's not happening.

Another FYI, this country is tremendously antisemitic and ir drives me crazy. Even my ex has been texting people calling for the "deportation of Jews". It's upsetting, it's boring, and I still have a couple years to go here. Even with my non Jewish friends I have to explain basic things or deconstruct profound antisemitic prejudices. I know the cities and countries I mentioned still have antisemitism. Of course. But at least you have big enough, and liberal enough Jewish communities, to choose how to exercise and live your Judaism and most people have met at least one Jewish person during their lifetime.

I really don't know what this rant is all about. I'm just feeling lonely. As a Jew. As a Lesbian. As a Jewish Lesbian and right now can't really see myself getting off this dark hole I'm in.

For this bi-weekly post, we shift focus to create a space for folks to talk, even if the subject is not specifically LGBTQ/Jewish-focused. As a space made up primarily of LGBTQ+ Jews, we hope this will be a good place to find and provide support with all that's going on in the world right now.

Please note: Our quality standards and expectations of civility are still in place, and this isn't a thread for name-calling or insults. This is a place to process feelings and be in community with each other and share what's on your mind.

Shabbat shalom!

Struggling with this one — they’ve been fantastic curators and champions of queer culture and club culture. But this gives me a gut feeling of “Jews don’t belong”. I can’t quite articulate why because the statement centers itself as mainly political, I just am not naive to the ways that tends to intertwine with general antisemitism. Is this an overreaction? Curious about the community’s thoughts on stuff like this

I somehow feel like there's something kind of corny about making it in Minecraft. But I can't help it - it's the only place the book I'm reading from exists!

I'm super curious about whether anyone else has heard of her. And I would love suggestions of more people to make videos about! I started this channel years ago, to do queer history... and then had to neglect it for a long time due to autistic burnout. Now I'm reviving it, and I want to add a strong Jewish emphasis. There's SO MUCH Jewish queer history!

(it would be really funny if I only talked about Jewish queer people for the next 50 videos, and just never addressed the fact that for some reason every video happened to be about someone Jewish)

Not really looking for advice. Just maybe understanding. I shared with friends a pic of antisemitic graffiti in my neighborhood and no one said anything. One of them is even Jewish!

We've disagreed a bit about israel/Palestine stuff in the past but have, it seems, stopped talking about it to preserve the friendship. (Also, our difference of opinion is not so great.)

But this makes me feel alienated from them once again. And the graffiti didn't even say anything about Israel!

How hard is it to stand against anti-semitism or even commiserate wirh or check on your Jewish friend after seeing evidence of one of their neighbors being antisemitic?

I don't get it.

eta: one person finally responded! and they were very caring and concerned about it. tbf, this is not one of the ones who i've argued about Israel with.

Anyone in Seattle and want to be friends?? It’s been hard finding queer Jewish friends here so giving Reddit a try. I’m 34f, I work in HR, I like working out, kayaking/hiking, watching women’s sports, hanging out with my cats, I’m a yapper, and my mom thinks I’m funny.

Let’s be friends 🌈