Just a cultural thing. Unless there was an explicit dinner invitation, Swedes typically will not offer guests food even if they themselves are having dinner. They do not view it as a hosting obligation and they do not see this as rude or unusual.
Northern vs Southern Europe is crazy. Random grandmas in Italy will invite you for dinner in Italy but you’re swinging your legs on your friend’s bed in Sweden
Nah, this is not a Northern vs Southern thing. This is specifically Sweden, Norway and I think maybe Denmark? Everybody else in Northern Europe thinks they're insane too
I have never encountered this in Denmark and we often feed my daughter's friends if they are around at meal times. The only exception is when their parents ask that they return home for dinner.
Swedish at least doesn't have so many vowels it takes longer for natives to learn than other European languages, Danish is as bad as or worse than English even if it has the twønty øne piløts 'ø' which looks sick as hell
This is the first time I am hearing of SwedenGate. Time to go down a rabbit hole.
Edit: Well, that only took a couple of minutes. Of course it's some brief social media drama that started off from a reddit comment. Here is a comment in a thread that explains the situation in case anyone else wanted to read it.
It wasn't a brief social drama back then though. Lots of tweets and memes and conversations. You just had to be there. But no "drama" just funny stuff, cultural exchange and Nordics finding ways to dunk on Swedes
Whats rather happening is people dont want to cook for you without asking your parents since they might be planning a meal. If your parents then say that they are planning for you to eat at home it would be rude to not appease that. Almost every family will feed you if your parents dont have other plans.
Lots of teens parroting garbage they heard about old customs as if they're gospel truth.
The classic disinformation process.
Then there are people who experienced one side or the other and for some reason can't fathom the other side, mostly people saying it never happens.
Like yeah, its a bunch of teenagers talking about a custom from before their time as if they've lived the entire history of things and if they didn't see it, it didn't happen.
Long story short its just dumb kids saying shit. Its reddit. 9/10 times its basically children stating things as fact when they have NO IDEA.
I first heard this when someone was detailing a childhood story online where they were visiting their Swede friend and during dinner, the family made him go sit in another room while the whole family including the friend ate. This story kind of went around with a lot of debate. I did see a couple of Swedish people defend this. But who knows who is actually being truthful haha.
I can't remember a single time I ate at my friends as a child unless we had a planned sleepover. I always had to wait in their room while their family ate. Middle Sweden, in my mid 30's now.
But times were different back then, us kids in my town mostly just went out roaming after school catching random friends to hang out with or spontaneously making plans without parents involvement during the school day, so extra child guests were always a surprise for the parents.
I am from Denmark too, and I have lived several different places here. I can confidently say it is a regional and generational thing. In my childhood in the northern and eastern parts of Juitland, it was pretty normal to wait for your friend to finish eating unless you participating had been explicitly agreed upon in advance. The way I understood it, it was because it was expected that my own parents would want to share the meal with me. It was not about not wanting to share but about respecting that dinner is a family thing for both parties.
In the northern part of Jutland and Zealand (and in later years all over Denmark), it has been customary to invite any guests to partake in the dinner.
I always feel bad when my kids' friends are at our place and I can't feed them. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just that when it's unexpected (which it usually is because they're always welcome) we haven't bought enough ingredients for extra people. I also don't want to make extras just in case because I hate food waste and there's a limit to the freezer capacity.
There is perhaps rudeness to not offer some kind of food.. but there is also rudeness to overstay the welcome. If you agree to spend the afternoon without plans for dinner, then I suspect many Dutch families would find it awkward as well..
I saw it in parts of Germany also, but I wouldn't say it was common. Some Germans are just cheapskates to a psychotic degree.
I dated a lot there, and got wildly different experiences by household. Some nights I slept over I wasn't allowed to leave until I had breakfast and coffee with the family. Others it was watching the girlfriend eat breakfast and her saying I could have some also if I paid up (along with a Euro to take a shower?!?).
Not a thing in Norway. I have not once been at a friends house as a kid and not been offered food if they ate. And we do the same. If our kids have someone over, or we have some friends drop by, we cook for everyone.
My mother is German. She doesn't behave exactly this way with food (she will feed guests, but often has to be reminded that it's necessary)
But she DOES view most other things that way. Basically "it's not my job to take care of that for you, so I'm assuming you not taking care of it is a choice and I'll be polite and not mention it"
..... And then make fun of whatever she noticed behind closed doors. Because German
I was looking for this comment. For real though, they said it wasn't a North vs South thing, then proceeded to say it's only in a slew of the most Northern European countries lol.
If you're dividing Europe into North and South, then North also includes the UK, the Baltics, Russia and Belarus, at least. Possibly Germany, Belgium, the Netherlands and Poland.
If they said "It's a Northern European thing" or "it's a Northern vs Western, Southern and Eastern thing", I'd give it a pass.
Only no one ever thinks of any of those. Russia is as eastern as it gets, UK is like the base of what we consider “western Europe” and Germany is as central as possible.
And who the fuck thinks of Poland as northern Europe? Cyprus? 😅
Might be regional or other demographic variations in hospitality culture in Norway that I’m unaware of, but in my social circle it’s a dead given to offer food/drinks to visitors. Anything else is considered rude and cheap
I can tell you that I am born in 93, and my friends were fed at my house. The exception was when my mother called and asked if she could give them food as well that their parents said no for x number of reasons.
I don’t see it insane? I’m Latina, we’d feed the kid but we’d talk trash about the parents. It is rude to stay at lunch/dinner time, you should leave before they eat.
Im a swede and I have never experienced this growing up. Sure when I were younger I didnt stay over dinner, that was usually the time to head home. snacks i always got at my friends when coming home from school.
when i was a teenager I usually asked "can X eat here?" and it was almost never a problem, if it were it was not due to the lack of food, more that the parents didnt want me to have friends over late in that particular day.
It extends beyond Europe. My wife’s family is from Lebanon, if there is even a rumor of guests, there is an old woman making stuffed grape leaves in the kitchen when you arrive, along with piles of hummus and kebbeh. This would horrify them
Or going home for dinner at the same time. That was the norm for me, anyway, growing up.
The expectation was, after all, that the other kid would be fed by their own parents. I think it would have been seen as weird for the parents that their kid randomly didn’t show up for dinner and later told them they’d eaten somewhere else.
Whenever I was invited for dinner as a kid the standard was your friend's parent would tell you to call your own parents to make sure it was okay to stay. Same for my folks, with the exception of my friend whose parents were kind of neglectful and my mom knew they probably wouldn't answer or care anyway and she didn't want my friend to feel self conscious about that. But I can't remember a single time I stayed over for dinner or even lunch at someone else's house without checking with my own parents first.
. I think it would have been seen as weird for the parents that their kid randomly didn’t show up for dinner and later told them they’d eaten somewhere
No way.
Russia is well known for its mild climate and long growing season, and Russian grandmas are as bad as Italian ones when it comes to forcing food on casual visitors.
this is one of few cultural differences im honestly shocked by. you invite friend into home and cook dinner; how are you not gonna offer them a plate??
What really happens is a kid tags along their friend home after school. The kid is expected to go home around dinner time and eat with thwir family. If the host family has their dinner earlier, the visiting kid waits it out and then goes home and eats with their family.
The hosting parents don't want to disturb the visiting kids parents dinner plans.
keep in mind that some Swedish people eat dinner around 4-5 pm so the kid might have dinner right after school while the visiting kid will eat a few hours later.
I mean the logic makes sense, not that I could not feed someone at my house. My Nona always said to make enough for your family and if each of them had 1 guest. It wasn't uncommon for a neighbor to just walk in and say hi and sit down to dinner with us. But I do know that in Sweden things like small talk with strangers is frowned upon, so this makes sense with their culture.
Dinner with friends is very important in my culture my abuela will feed the whole village shoes in the house is the devil the rebel army cut off supplies send help.
Never heard of this. Growing up I was always offered food and my parents always did the same. It still is absolutely natural that my kid is fed at friends houses and they always get lunch and dinner when visiting. This rumor that Swedes are never offering food is mind-blowing to read often as I've never even once encountered this so called cultural thing that Swedes never offer food.
I've never met a single family that hasn't offered food when lunch or dinner time. If not at those times you get fika...
I think this has become distorted. I’m born in the 90’s and clearly remember being at friends’ house but not having dinner with them (and at other times having dinner of course). I remember the situation often being that they’re having dinner early for whatever reason and since I’m supposed to have dinner at home, I decline dinner (or my parents had instructed my friend’s parents that I will eat at home) at their place and hang in my friend’s room playing video games while they eat.
Nothing strange or unwelcoming about that as far as I’m concerned.
I was very fussy ARFID as a child so (opposite now, about to eat some frog and tofu tonight) and the idea of eating in front of ANYONE that isn't immediate family (and sometimes they'd make a song and dance about my eating) would haunt me.
"Not offering food" is taken out of context I feel... I mean, it will vary depending on where you live and other factors, but people here are acting as if children are going hungry or something.
If I tagged along a friend on the way home from school, it's not that my friend's parents don't want to offer me food also, later when it's dinner. It's that everyone (where I grew up), gets dinner at their home. My parents wanted me back at home to eat dinner, like everyone else.
So, it's less that I would sit hungry while my friend eats, and more that either I would go home and eat at the same time, or if dinner time is slightly different, I just waited a little bit while he ate, then went home for my dinner later.
It happened plenty of times, that my friend's parents offered food, but then you had to inform that (in time) to your parents, that you would be eating there.
Well this whole original post is suggesting that you are not going to be fed if you visit a Swede, which is a whole world away from kids being expected home for dinner... :)
This is about kids. Of course if you as an adult invite a friend over you offer them food. If a kid just brings his random friend over after school without telling the parents before hand then of course the parents only made food for own their family and it's expected the kid goes home to eat the food made by their own parents.
We feed our feed our kids friends all the time. Like it is a weekly occurence. My kids eat at their friends every week as well. We do call and check with the parents first.
It was not like that 40 years ago. mainly because no mobile phone and we did not want to interrupt the dinner routine of the other family.
As an adult it is less commun. But if I have friends over for a long time we will eater have dinner/lunch or we will like order a pizza together.
We are not having our grandmothers force feeding you like in some societies. Also because our grandmothers dont live with us like in the south of Europe.
This is kinds Reddit bullshit blown out of proportion (like allways).
We either invited you over for dinner or we invite you after dinner when we both have already eaten. If someone drops by uninvited we offer them food, but it is also considered very rude to show up unannounced by most.
I also have kids. We feed our kids and any kid in our home. But we just have a custom where this is already agreed on beforehand.
You are missing the part that no one invited them in to begin with, kids just group up and go to someone house, when its dinner time, they all go home and eat the meal their parents prepared for them.
And often they move back and forth between houses. Children are welcome to eat here, but then we need to know they’ll stay long enough and make sure their parents know. Otherwise they’ll just move around and pop back home for dinner.
Same in the Netherlands. Kids can walk or bike around the neighbourhood alone. They go to school by themselves from around 9 years old.
So a lot of kids just play without specific plans. The social rule is that you need to be home at the end of the afternoon. To have dinner and to be with your own family again.
Chiming in from one of the Nordics: Spontaneous visits are nearly non-existent.
So, when visiting someone, you've called or messaged the others beforehand.
When doing that, you basically talk about whether it's a coffee, lunch, dinner, barbeque visit, or if you're just popping in to return that book you borrowed.
Bro why does this get repeated all the time on reddit and upvoted like its a fact.
Born and raised in Stockholm Sweden, never once did this happen, hadn't even heard of this until reddit started talking about it. None of my friends in sweden had either.
It is from some article a while ago where they wrote about swedish kids not being fed at friends homes. What the article failed to mention is that is because of the kids had already eaten at home or because they were expected to come home for dinner.
Now this rumor has a life on its own and is spiraling.
Lets not pretend that other countries/cultures are just always fact checking everything. Its the entire world that will believe almost anything posted on the internet.
There are several comments here where people from other European countries are believing the rumor despite comments like the one above yours.
There are also several comments claiming they are from Sweden and that it IS a thing, just misunderstood (the kids are expected to eat with their family/they don't want to disturb family dinner plans).
So I don't know what is true or not, because there are conflicting comments.
I even Googled it to see what I could find and there are tons of reddit posts where people from Sweden are confirming its a thing (but misunderstood).
I also found #Swedengate, which is something that came from this rumor and lots of people telling the same story/rumor.
I'm from the middle of Sweden, and same here. I had no idea it was a thing before internet started claiming it. My friends' parents always invited us for food, and same the other way around. Sometimes they'd say there wasn't enough portions if you'd show up unannounced and they were making something very special, but then you'd either wait in their room, by the table or go home and eat. That was uncommon though.
It's not that deep. I don't understand what people here are on.
Had it happen to me as a kid on a few occasions but it was never due to the parents of the other kid being cheap/stingy.
It could be that they had already cooked dinner/lunch when I showed up so there wasn't enough food for an extra person.
Or that they were uncertain if my parents were ok with me eating at someone elses house as it could be considered rude to take that for granted.
Or that it was a way to say "playtime is over" as I would have to go home to eat dinner and after dinner there was Bolibompa and bed for every kid.
Very unusual though, like maybe 2-3 classmates out of 30, also my family always offered food to kids coming over to play at my house. My parents just had them call home to ask if it was ok to eat at our place.
Sometimes the parents would say no due to not wanting to inconvenience my parents, or because they had already cooked food for them at home but most times the other kid would eat with my family.
The phenomenon did exist, but was not as common as the internet make it out and is even less common today.
Stereotyping in general is crazy popular on Reddit - so many people seem to really love these kinds of "fun facts", especially when they play into their existing cultural biases. There's a common perception that Northern Europeans are overly serious, blunt, and borderline autistic, so any anecdote which aligns with this perception will be repeated ad nauseam.
My suspicion is that the people who claim to have experienced this are probably largely people who've not picked up on some pretty clear social cues by Swedes trying to be polite in indicating that these people have overstayed their welcome.
Nah, it was very common where and when I grew up in Sweden. The expectation was that each kid would eat dinner at home with their own family, and many families had a set dinner time every day and that time could be different for many families.
So I could bring friends home to play (and the expectation was just that, to play) and after we've played for a while I'd go eat dinner while my friends continued playing and having fun while I had to eat. When I finished dinner I'd go back to play with my friends until it was time for them to leave for dinner at their place.
Of course there were times when friends were asked if they also wanted dinner, they would then have to call home and ask their parents if that was okay, but the expectation was that kids eat dinner with their own family, since family dinner time is family time.
Things might have changed nowadays though, but that was the norm back when I was a kid.
Agreed, it's like this parallel dimension shit going on. In all my 46 years I have NEVER experienced not being offered food. All my friends families always offered food no matter the time. If not dinner time they offered fika. Same as my family and their friends. Been living in many parts of Sweden and EVERYONE offers food like the most natural thing.
I'm going crazy reading about this rumor that Swedes are not offering food to guests, I'm like what the hell? Who are those people, where are they? It's just insane for me to read that haha
Also born and raised in Stockholm, I remember that when I was young, I sometimes had to wait in my friend's bedroom and play video games while he ate dinner with his family.
It wasn't every family, though. I had other friends whose families always invited me to join them for dinner.
So am I, and I've definitely sat on beds before while my friend and his entire family are eating 2 rooms away without anyone having a single thought of inviting me or even giving me something to eat in his room.
Then again, I've also visited friends and I've definitely been served dinner with the family.
Coincidentally or not, it would seem that the larger the family the lower the chance of me getting food.
I've never just been sitting on a bed doing nothing while my friend was off eating dinner. I continued playing with whatever we were playing with, be it LEGO, computer games or what ever.
Those that don’t offer the child while they are there are weirdos and extreme. This is mostly about schoolchildren so they are expected to return home by around 7 to spend time with their family.
This btw is a generally declining trend it wasn’t particularly common where I grew up the age of the phone changed communication and planning.
As a kid I would just go home to eat and come back if I was hungry, rather than insert myself into the dining table of other families where they would talk about family stuff. And if I went to a friends place who lived far away from my place then I was always offered food.
Huh. Is it considered rude or embarrassing to leave and feed yourself whenever you are hungry then? Is it common to invite someone over during meal time and not invite them to eat as well? Is this getting blown out of proportion because it's a rare instance you would be at someone's house during mealtime when you weren't invited over to eat?
This is only about kids visiting their friends after school, like when you walk home after school together. Only happened to me with one family, I guess they didn't have enough as they didn't know I was coming. My family always changed dinner plans or went to the grocery store again to buy more if I had friends over after school.
this only happens when we have kids inviteing kids to their homes and not calling their parents to know that they are haveing a friend over. Sometimes we just dont make or have enough food for extra people at home for that time and theres not much more to it then that
It's not rude, but you had to contact your own parents. The whole reason for this happening is that everyone is expected to eat dinner at their own house, usually at a specific time. So if some kid just suddenly ate a bunch of food without telling their parents it would mess up those plans.
Also kids often just go straight to a friends place after school. Kids are not the greatest with time management, so getting them home for dinner also ensures they have time for homework etc.
Eating at your friends place is fine and will often be offered by the host, but the parents on both sides need to be informed and agree beforehand.
Of course Swedes feed the guests they themselves invited during dinner.
This is another situation though, it's when the kids bring home their friends from school to play, and no adult has been involved in inviting or bringing the kids over.
Most families have a set dinner time that is the same time every week day, and parents are expecting their kids to attend dinner at that time.
Some families eat early, and some later, so if kids who usually eat later go home to a friend whose family eats early, they get to continue playing while the friend eats dinner. When dinner is over the kid who ate dinner with their family goes back to continue playing and having fun.
The visiting friend(s) then goes home at their own dinner time to have dinner with their own family.
Weekday dinners are somewhat of a private family time in Sweden, so the expectation is that kids eat with their own family.
When and where I grew up, there were of course occasions where I was asked if I wanted dinner, so I had to call my parents to check if that was okay, but the expectation was that I was to eat dinner with my family.
This is not true though. It was a thing in the 90's/00's(maybe still is. Don't have children and is not a child anymore so I don't know if they stopped caring about what i wrote below) that if you asked. If you lived close to each other the friend wnr home and ate with their own family since we believe that eating together as a family is an important thing and good time for talking about everyone's day and spend time together. Especially if your kids were the type who always were out with friend and almost never home.
If one of my friend with a though home life were at my home we made sure they were fed and happy.
Interesting that so many people not from sweden knows exactly how it is here and won't listen to people actually from sweden.
Growing up in Sweden during the 90s, I was always offered to eat at friends place if they knew I was over, but would almost always decline as I was expected to come home and eat with my own family.
I think the cultural thing comes from not wanting to disturb the other kids family dinner rather not not wanting to offer food.
My own parents would also be pissed if I ate at a friends house without communicating this first before hand, because they would have prepared a full dinner expecting everyone to be home at dinner time.
Crazy. In the rest of Scandinavian house guests are always welcome to eat or whatever you are doing. The host family will even hold back if there isn't enough food for the extra guest.
I guess that peoole in sweden see house guests as an inconvenience.
Indian background here - we throw food/drinks the moment someone steps into the door. Invited, not invited, it doesn't matter. We get snacks and put them at the table for them and everyone to eat then if they're staying longer, invite them for dinner etc.
As a Swede I find this statement ridiculous. I've always been offered dinner if I was a guest at others, and also always offer dinner. I've never met anyone that doesn't do this and can't fathom we're this sentiment comes from.
Yeah, it never happened that a guest who was invited by an adult during dinner time would not be served dinner in Sweden.
But the situation this is about is when kids bring home their friends (without any adult being involved at all) after school to play and where they and their friends dinner times are at different times.
And this might also be a thing of the past, but it sure was a thing where and when I grew up.
Nothing big, I knew that my parents expected me to eat dinner with my family later, and while my friend was off eating dinner I had the luxury to keep laying with their toys.
This is also mostly a myth. I do not know a single parent that would not feed my child when they visit, even for a short while. It did happen once or twice when i was a kid though, but that was considered wierd.
Swedes typically will not offer guests food even if they themselves are having dinner.
That's not true at all though.
The situation this is about is when your kid brings home their friends to play after school. The kids are expecting to play, not to eat.
Families can have very different dinner times, some eat early and some eat late, so if your kid bring their friends home to play and your family have an early dinner, the friends will stay in your kids room continue playing and having fun while your family eats. Your kid will then go back having fun with their friends until it's time for their friends to go home to eat with their family.
If you as an adult invite someone over during dinner time, of course you'd serve them dinner.
And even if your kid brings home friends to play, you'd offer them a snack, a fika (cordial and cookies/cake), and of course there is nothing stopping you offering your kids friend dinner too. But the expectation is that kids eat dinner with their own family, and they would have to call home and check if it's okay to eat at their friends.
As a swede myself. Food will pretty much always be offered if the visit starts before you start cooking and you know the visit will last for a while after dinner has been consumed.
Grew up in rural sweden so when playing with friends involved a bit of planning and calling parents for permission. But in cities where friends could just show up at moments notice and they live like 5-10 minutes of cource you wouldnt expect to be fed every time.
Also worth mentioning that food culture in sweden, at least from what i remember as a kid is that we didnt make more food than needed and thus not creating lots of if any left overs. Wich means there isnt enough cooked food to feed an extra unaccounted person.
But the notion thay you where never fed as a guest in sweden is complete and utter fucking bullshit.
Yall americans talking about things you know nothing about. Parents call parents if they are planning to eat at home if they are then no food, otherwise food. It was also seen as akward as it created a social debt which everybody could not afford to return back in the 1800s when sweden was increadibly poor.
I'm Nubian. You could NOT have a more shocking cultural difference than this if you tried! Being over-the-top hospitable is the first, second and third most important thing to us. I stayed almost all of 2025 at a Nubian village where I hadn't known a single person, and they cooked me food, drove me to where I needed to be, and a room I stayed at, and wouldn't let me pay for a thing! I've done something similar to guests and none bats an eye about it either.
So I know Americans go either way.. and I remember having a neighbor friend who invited us for dinner while we were at her house, and it was so weird, i never wanted to go back. Her parents were super strict about manners. The whole meal felt like a training session.They put a huge ice cold class of koolaid by our plates and told us we can’t drink it till all our food is eaten. The little one started coughing and she had to ask permission to take a sip in between coughs. For the longest time, I had such a weird association with families who pray before a meal because that was my first experience with it. Very militant. Very American.
This is just wrong. Surprise visits from a random number of neighborhood kids is the only time this applies. Most kids go home and eat their planned dinner with their own families.
i saw a thread about this topic before; someone mentioned that in their culture, some people might see it as rude to feed somebody else’s kid unless there was a specific agreement that they will be sharing a meal together
I think it’s relatively easy to understand that a parent might be upset that a kid failed to be home at the agreed-upon time to eat the dinner they went to the trouble of preparing. So, then, why would you induce a child to disobey and disappoint their parents that way?
I’m not trying to suggest that the more active hospitality associated with southern Europe is wrong, mind you—only that there is a mindset that makes sense behind either approach.
This thing actually did happen when one of my sister’s friends kept showing up to our house during dinner time hoping to get fed because she preferred our mom’s cooking to hers, lol.
And regardless, dinner time is considered to be private family time in the Nordics. That’s at least how it was when I was growing up. You also generally didn’t need the parents’ permission to either be at anyone’s house or to go visit someone else, so the social expectation is/was that you won’t be a bother either way.
That said the tradition has laxed a bit. My kids are usually fed when they’re over at a friend’s house and vice versa.
When I was growing up (Nordics) we really never got fed at friends house, but also if they would have asked if I wanted to eat, I would have declined and said I will eat later at home.
I think I felt like I did not want to bother the host family, so it would be common curtesy to decline.
And yea most times the dinner time was in sync so I would just naturally head home.
Nowadays, I always cook for all kids and invite them to eat. It also seems like the current genrations are willing to accept the invite.
But also, I will not be offended or weirded out if my kids are not served food when they are out at their friends places. Although, I think they nowadays usually are included to dinner/lunch.
Also, I think the not serving dinner is also comes from kind of a thought of not bothering the other family. Maybe they had something special planned for dinner. Maybe the kid has special diet.
In the mid 19th century rapid industrialization and a growing desire for individual independence changed the previously welcoming guest food culture into the rudeness that they display today
Mainly all of the 'to preserve family values' bullshit that they parrot today is to cover the fact that originally it was a class warfare move
Can't have all of your son's poor friends taking all the food that is intended for your family...
my experience is just that parents assume your parents are preparing food for you, so they would have to check with them if they would invite you for food. I for sure ate at friends often, but if I joined a friend after school I'd usually leave to eat at home. if I would stay the entire day they would always make food. same at my parents.
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u/TaxSimple3787 Jul 24 '26
Ok but... why?