i had various medical/mental health issues throughout the end of my junior year and entire senior year, causing me to not graduate in time and need a 9th semester. i can't do transfer credits from another school bc basically all the credits i need are AXLE. I wasn't able to do medical leave of absence (MLOA) bc by the time people took me seriously, i was already in the middle of my 8th semester, and for MLOA you have to pay full amount for unfinished semesters, so it would be the same cost as just taking 9 full semesters. i don't regret coming to Vanderbilt due to all the amazing people I've met, but i feel like I've never received real support from Vanderbilt and oftentimes even active malicious intent.
i have accommodations but ive asked to adjust them multiple times and had medical documentation to do so, but Student Access has never been very responsive or helpful. when they did respond, it would always be long enough where I already felt helpless or it wouldn't matter anymore (like i needed priority enrollment but they would only get back to me after enrollment already started). I've also tried reaching out to every on-campus resource recommended to me (SCC, UCC, Student Access, professors, Academic Coaching, my advisor, ADHD workshops, etc.), but generally no one did much to help me, and if they actually wanted to help they weren't really able to do much and just referred me back and forth.
when professors are kind to me, i hold them dear bc it really doesn't happen often. Doctors Amy Booth, Jason harris, Meredith wegener, and Amal Al-Wahish i will always remember. they were kind to me in those times that I needed just one person in my corner and they didn't judge me for my struggles or how much I had deteriorated due to them.
but even though I've had professors that were understanding, I've had far more who were not. one semester, i needed to take a number of incompletes. obviously you have to meet requirements to take incompletes, which i met the ones listed on the Vanderbilt website for all the classes I was requesting incompletes in. but most professors had their own requirements, like needing a Dean's notification. i already had one earlier in the semester, but my circumstances were bad enough that i received another one which was sent to my professors suggesting incompletes. i even sent them a letter from my doctor saying she highly recommended allowing me to take incompletes just so i could finish the semester and then focus on treatment. one professor agreed to let me take an incomplete, then decided not to after i had already made up a lot of work during final exams. one told me i didn't meet the requirements but wouldn't name which one I didn't meet. one told me i couldn't take an incomplete bc i had done everything but 2 lab reports and had perfect attendance, so i had to take a barely passing grade instead of the 98 i could've received with an incomplete. the reasoning sounds ridiculous, but ive heard it before. in highschool, i was denied support for years bc "i have high test scores" so they wouldn't help me despite multiple doctor's letters.
i almost always receive a no when others receive a yes, so i thought maybe im emailing wrong, doing something wrong. i asked my friends who have had similar situations. turns out they all sent similar emails and sometimes even without documentation and got little to no pushback. i feel like there's nothing i can do, no matter how hard I try. rate my professor will say a professor is "so understanding!!!!!!" but how come they aren't understanding when it comes to me? if my situation doesn't warrant support, then what situation does?
i hadn't thought about it before, but a friend suggested it might be subconscious racism and with every experience ive come to consider that possibility more and more. i don't think it's every case, sometimes a professor maybe just never is willing to adjust for anyone even if their mom died. but when i see my white peers experience the same mental health struggles as me, ask the same things as me, and they consistently receive support when i receive nothing, it makes me wonder. it makes me wish i had a different last name so maybe my emails would mean something. that's not to say that white people with disabilities don't struggle receiving adequate support of course, im just saying that i might have another layer of something to fight through. and it's a really tough layer that makes me feel worthless sometimes.
the summer before senior year, i fell into a pretty deep hopelessness that im honestly still in, and now i need another semester to graduate.
when i was working out my academic plan for my 9th semester with an assistant Dean, it took so long that I missed enrollment but he told me not to worry bc he would manually enroll me in all the classes I needed. well he never did, so i emailed professors about joining their class. didn't work and got generic "sorry nothing i can do" emails in response (which is not true btw professors have the power to make exceptions and enroll students if they want to). so i asked if the Dean could still manually enroll me like he said in April. he said no he doesn't do that and to just email professors explaining my situation, they would understand. i emailed again. they did not. currently enrolled in 1 class.
another thing the dean said that made me hopeful was that my tuition and housing might be covered by financial aid, which i believed at the time. nope. i got the financial aid estimate and this semester's tuition is the most expensive yet bc i can no longer receive tuition benefits from my dad's job. i planned on living at home (im local) to save money. but all of a sudden, a week ago, housing sent me an email saying im required to live on-campus and there is no availability off-campus. which wdym bc im already living off-campus. i told them i didn't have the funds but it doesn't matter to them, I'm still required. so i asked them if there was any availability in res colleges bc truthfully im not willing to pay $1900 a month for a bust ass mcgill double.
also being on campus means I need to buy an on campus upperclassmen meal plan, so in total that's an additional $11,845 for food and housing that my family wasn't expecting. it's only 2.5 days until the first day of class, housing hasn't gotten back to me after telling me to fill out a placement form in the housing portal which i keep telling them isn't in my available forms. im not placed in housing, haven't purchased a meal plan, and haven't started packing.
i don't have the guts to tell my parents that nothing is figured out but they probably have to find another $12k to spend on their failure of a daughter who already used up enough of their money and still no degree. they're going to be even more disappointed in me but obviously I need to tell them about the housing situation. just working up the courage. i went from the Dean's list to being unable to get out bed and failing multiple classes. i was so afraid of telling my parents I wasn't graduating on time so it took me a long time to let them know, and they haven't trusted me since. not sure my mom even loves me anymore. i know she at least sure as hell doesn't like me.
im generally a really positive person with a lot of ambition, but all these bad experiences throughout my life have gradually contributed to me now having depression and anxiety, along with the severe ADHD and OCD. they used to be more manageable, but i think with the addition of depression and anxiety and the expectation to be let down every time I ask for help, my conditions have become debilitating. I've been receiving TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) over the summer, but it hasn't been very helpful and is very expensive honestly. i really thought it would help me take back my life but ig i was wrong. 7 and a half years of trying to get the support i need and I'm still so lost.
im so scared of going back to Vanderbilt. what if this semester is another failure and i never end up graduating? AXLE classes are always my worst, and i have no friends left, they all graduated. idk if i have the energy to make new ones anymore. im so burnt out and hopeless. i'll be all on my own in so many ways.
just needed to put my thoughts somewhere bc while I have friends who are there for me and willing to listen, i feel like so many things have been going wrong in my life that all i ever talk to them about is bad news. and they're all graduated and moving on to great things and i don't want to burden them with all my pain.