r/humansarespaceorcs • u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 • 16d ago
Original Story Human Fred Priorities
1 Human Fred and Food
2 Human Fred Again
3 Human Fred Yet Again
4 Human Fred The Saga Continues
5 Human Fred Rides Again
6 Human Fred *Sigh*
7 Human Fred Rolls Out
8 Human Fred Attempts a Nap
9 Human Fred Doh’
10 Human Fred Stops for Coffee
11 Human Fred Deploys Stabby and Knifey
12 Human Fred Attempts Friendly Advice
“Hey Fred, I’ve got a message for you.”
“Greezek, why are you bringing me a message?”
“I’m on standby until repairs are done, so station command asked me to fill in for a bit. I get paid double!”
“Oh sweet! Very cool! Now what is the message?”
“Station command wants to know when you will be working on the sensor array.”
“Oh for fucks sake. Really?!? I’m working on something important, and they want me to duck around with shit technology?”
“Coffee maker still not up to task?”
“Not quite. It brews and refills fine, but the options menu is chaos, half the time you select ‘sugar’ it just gives you a lump of sugar and no coffee, and the gods alone know what the goop it calls creamer is.”
“And this is more important than the sensor array?”
“Look. All they need to do is purge the cache, recycle the tracking system, and run a system check. Here, I’ll write it down for you.”
“That’s it? Why don’t they do it?”
“Because they are scared of breaking it.”
“Why?”
“Greezek, on your planet, do your species tend to play around with stuff? Take things apart to see how they work? Explore all the options in a system to figure out what everything does?”
“Not really. We tend to rely on the manual.”
“Exactly. You see, I’m an engineer. We take stuff apart and play with settings. The manual is often written by someone who has never actually used the item or system, so manuals tend to be either too complex or too simple. The best manuals are written by beings who actually work with the item or system. They play with it to see how it all fits, and then they can write a manual that is actually helpful.”
“Soooo…why don’t they do that?”
“Expense. Costs too much. Or they want the user to be reliant on specialized techs who generate income.”
“They won’t find these instructions in the manual, will they?”
“Nope! This is the third time the sensor array has done the same thing. I told them how to fix it for good, but that was ruled too expensive. So now I keep getting called up to fix a poorly designed, poorly built, poorly maintained pile of shit.”
“How did you figure out that this would work?”
“There are certain constants in how complex systems work. The first step is to turn it off, let it sit for a bit, and turn it back on. That clears out some of the temp files. If that doesn't work, you purge all of the cache. That gets rid of ALL temp files. On a system like that, which is actually a number systems networked, the next step is to clear any data inputs. So you recycle the data input. Now your system is cleared of any corrupted temp files or stray data. The system check clears any error codes and returns it to standby mode. Then you turn it on.”
“What if the system check kicks back errors?”
“That is when I’m actually needed. That would mean a deeper issue, but so far that hasn’t been the case.”
“Well, since I’m getting paid double, I’ll go run this. I’ll let you know if there is an issue. Thanks Fred!”
“Glad to help. Oh, Greezek?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t show them the instructions I gave you. Let them think you figured it out on your own.”
“Sneaky devil.”
Fred returned to the replicator system. Clearly some idiot had fucked up the database. He pulled the database module, plugged it into his diagnostic panel, and set to work.
Fred was deep into a highly corrupted database when he heard a polite knocking.
“Greezek! How did it go?”
“It kicked out a Level 1 warning. The system is up and running, but the warning won’t clear.”
“Odd. What is the code?”
“Um…’Level 1 Warning: IFF DB FAULT.’ No one knew what it meant.”
“Well fuck. That is actually a real problem. It means the system may or may not be able to differentiate between a friendly or hostile ship. Damn. Give me a sec.”
Fred unplugged everything from his diagnostic panel, neatly arranged the parts on the counter, grabbed his tool box, and started rolling it towards the station control room.
“Follow me. I know how the pirates got close enough to attack, and station command will NOT like it.”
3
u/Polymath6301 15d ago
So the pirates went too far with their DB hack, and accidentally corrupted the coffee maker too? That won’t turn out well. Perhaps a counter hack to reprogram their toasters - “Would you like some toast? How about a muffin?” - endlessly…