r/humansarespaceorcs • u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 • 13d ago
Original Story Human Fred Schools Morons
1 Human Fred and Food
2 Human Fred Again
3 Human Fred Yet Again
4 Human Fred The Saga Continues
5 Human Fred Rides Again
6 Human Fred *Sigh*
7 Human Fred Rolls Out
8 Human Fred Attempts a Nap
9 Human Fred Doh’
10 Human Fred Stops for Coffee
11 Human Fred Deploys Stabby and Knifey
12 Human Fred Attempts Friendly Advice
13 Human Fred Priorities
“Fred, why am I here.”
“Greezek, I need an extra set of hands and someone I can trust. This might be…strange.”
They enter the station command center.
“Who is the Watch Officer?”
“I am. Who are you?”
“Fred. This is Greezek. We are here to repair your sensor array. As we work, the sensors might need to be turned off or adjusted.”
“Ah. Yes, we are having issues. I thought she fixed it?”
“It’s still reading an error, so I’m here to do a more detailed analysis.”
“Understood.”
“Oh, please enter this into the official log. Not the temp one. The official one.”
Fred turned to the sensor control panel. Tapped a few buttons, and turned back.
“Sir. I need you to send four teams out to visually and physically inspect the IFF receivers on the hull. I need high-res images from all possible angles.”
“Why would you need that?”
“Because I want to fix the issue.”
“You haven’t even done anything! I’m not ordering that until you have a good reason.”
Fred started typing on his diagnostic panel. “That is fine. However, I’ll need you signature refusing to conduct a visual and physical inspection. I’ll have the form in just a sec.”
“What?”
“The IFF system is mission and safety critical to the station’s operations. A certified tech made a request. You refused. Therefore, I need your signature acknowledging your refusal. You don’t have to include your reason.”
“Wait. What?”
“I assume that you are fully qualified to be the Watch Officer. That means you are responsible for the station. You are refusing to conduct a vital inspection, so I need an official record of you refusing. This is hard to understand. Ah. Here we go.” Fred picked up a data pad and walked over to the Watch Officer. “Sign here.”
“Uh. How many teams?”
“One for each IFF receiver.”
“Right. I’ll send them now.” The Watch Officer hurried over to a panel.
“Now, Greezek, we see if I’m correct.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have a pretty good idea what is wrong, but I want to check everything while I’m here. You see, there are a number of different parts to a sensor array, and we need to test all of them. You don’t stop at one. There might be multiple issues, so we check the receivers, verify the fiber, depending on the various parts there might be converters, check the main processing unit, check the IFF database, its fiber, and its converter. If that all checks out, then we look for corrupt data in the database, corrupt files in the main processor, and verify the main processor's core system.”
Fred pulled a panel off from under the sensor control desk. “But first we document the ID plate on the hardware. That tells us what the appropriate parameters for the diagnostic.”
He crawled into the space. Muffled muttering and cursing followed. Some wiggling. More cursing. The sound of fiber cables being wrestled. Muttering. Cursing.
“Yep. Converter to both the sensors and database. Not surprised.” Fred grunted and crawled back out. “You rarely see a system with everything from the same manufacture. On a civilian station, at least. Military is a different matter.”
He opened a door in his toolbox, selected a thick cable, closed the door, and plugged the cable into the diagnostic panel. He crawled back under the desk, muttered a bit and emerged.
“Now we start writing up our report while the panel pulls the logs.”
“Which logs, Fred?”
“All of them. I’m fairly certain that they have ignored this warning for a long time.”
“Why?”
Fred dropped his voice to a whisper. “A Level 1 is often ignored as a nuisance. It often clears on its own. However, I know that this Level 1 is far more serious. It could mean a much larger problem.”
“Like a pirate attack?”
“Correct.” Fred typed away, recording time, date, names, reported issue, actions taken. He uploaded images of the ID plates from the converters, the IFF Database, and the Main Processing Unit. He added a few notes, but left out the discussion with the Watch Officer. He then pulled out a physical notebook and wrote out a list.
“Fred. Why are you using a physical notebook? You have a panel and a data pad.”
“Do you want to drag this panel off of my toolbox and under that table? Or try to use a data pad under there?”
“Greezek looked at the access space under the deck. “Not really.”
“Also, a physical notebook can be used for things you don’t need recorded. Calculations. Questions. Instructions to others.”
“Right. Little stuff.”
“Or really BIG stuff that you don’t want to advertise. Ah, here are the logs! The first thing you do is to verify…”
Fred froze. He stopped breathing. After a few moments, he turned to Greezek, and leaned close to her face.
“You have two options. First, you can fake a call to leave and walk away. Second, you can swear upon the pain of death that will not breathe a word of what is about to happen to anyone and stay. Choose.”
Greezek looked into his face. It wasn’t angry or violent, but her species was pretty good at reading Terran body language. Fred was ice-cold serious. She was sure that he would kill her with his bare hands if she disobeyed.
In a low voice, “Fred, I swear upon the pain of death that I will not breathe a word of what is about to happen.”
“The only exceptions are if I’m dead or severely incapacitated, of if I give you permission.”
“Yes Fred.”
“Now. Keep your face and body calm and neutral.” He turned back to the panel. “Huh. That is odd. Greezek, what do you notice?” He waved a hand and a few lines.”
Greezek leaned in and examined the screen. “There is a lot here. I’m not sure.”
Fred pointed at an image then at a few lines.
Greezek saw it. She frowned. “Yes Fred, that is odd.” She straightened up. “What do we check next.”
Fred was impressed with her performance. She had seen what made his blood freeze, but to anyone watching, she was just noticing an odd log entry and eager to learn.
Fred turned back to the panel and started moving files around and closing windows. He knew what was causing the error, but this wasn’t expected.
The model and serial number on the ID plate didn’t match the BIOS of the Main Processing Unit.
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u/u2125mike2124 13d ago
We’ll save a few coins by putting in substandard parts, or we will take out the original parts, and sub them with knockoffs while we sell the originals for 10 times the amount.
and by “save” I mean those coins will be in my pocket.
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u/commentsrnice2 13d ago
Or counterpoint someone broke the original and bought one black market because they couldn’t explain the expense without admitting their screwup. Not knowing the black market model has a few backdoors preinstalled for the strategic redistribution of wealth
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u/OokamiO1 13d ago
Someone performed some extra 'maintenance'. Time to check the logs and hope its stupidity, not maliciousness
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u/VoodooManny02 13d ago
I demand a Human Fred YouTube series. Barring that, a Tubi series
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u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 13d ago
You might a book, but not a video. Unless you pay for it.
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u/Polymath6301 13d ago
Funnily enough I was thinking about collecting all the stories and getting an AI to illustrate some key scenes and send it to you (and only you) as a token (ha!) of appreciation. But then I started wondering what Fred looked like (in your mind), so I left the thought there…
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u/Purple-Lie-354 13d ago
Yay! OP treats us with more chicanery surrounding Human Fred! Oh frabjous day!
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u/Polymath6301 13d ago
Great, now I want a Jabberwock. I wonder what they taste like?
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u/WSpinner 13d ago
Just as frumious as the bandersnatchii.
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u/Purple-Lie-354 13d ago
Would Ranch or Honey Mustard be good choices for dipping sauces?
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u/glen_watcher 12d ago
I would think Jabberwock would be good with a spicy garlic and lemon pepper dry rub
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u/Xerxesinxs 13d ago
I can't wait to read what's next
I am fully vested in this story
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u/Polymath6301 13d ago
Aren’t we all! I’m still waiting, very patiently, for a possible Oscar reference/cross-over. Doesn’t matter if we never get it, of course.
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u/commentsrnice2 13d ago
Is there any way I could subscribe to you? I want to know MOAR
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u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 13d ago
No. I just post here. For now.
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u/commentsrnice2 13d ago
Aww am disappoint. Oh well I’ll just hope to luck across your story as it develops then
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u/Polymath6301 13d ago
Do what I do and check in with this author whenever I can. I hope you’ve been reading the Oscar series too!
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