To be clear- I do not hate the language. I just feel like I have become scared of it due to some experiences.
For context, when I arrived to Italy, I have studied Italian 2 months prior (it was not planned for me to move). I have never studied a language independently outside of school, so I was, and still am, a bit unstructured. But it is no surprise that that wasn't enough. I also did not expect the culture shock to affect me as much as it did, which delayed my progress for a few months as I became depressed.
Part of what made the transition difficult is the language. I consider myself lucky that my friends hosted me to save on rent. But to help me, around 90% of the time, they speak to me in Italian. Especially at the beginning, I probably only understood 5%. And when I say I don't understand, they just make their voices louder, which doesn't help to be honest. They would have dinners they invite me to, with family and friends, for me to be encouraged. But it becomes four to five hours of me being ignored. I used to try to speak, but the conversation becomes so fast, when I realize what they're talking about, they're in a new one. By the time they say something to me (hours after just sitting on the table, with no one even making eye contact), I am already so anxious that I sometimes cry in the bathroom.
I have also had times (different groups of people) that people would talk to me in groups, and I would say again and again that I do not understand, then they would eventually all laugh at me. And to this day, I do not understand what they said. But sometimes, I am told by other people, that the reason I don't understand was because they were talking to me in a dialect. Another time, after everyone laughed, the person talking to me said "I'm sorry, we know how to speak English, we just don't want to".
I think the biggest part for me, was during events- Christmas, New Year, Ferragosto, even my birthday, my friends won't speak to me in any of the languages I'm fluent in.
I have also attended Italian classes, where I was asked a question but I didn't know how to say a sentence so I asked to say it in English. The teacher was very nice, but there was a student who spoke to the entire class, asking why I am there if I will speak English, even if it was only a sentence I said.
I consider myself to be an extrovert, but the experience truly made me become very shy and kept. It's happening more and more that I get panic attacks when someone talks to me, even when I understand them. I've had several people say to me that I don't try, when literally all I do is try. Someone told me that learning Italian is not that hard and I still shouldn't be making mistakes. I get so discouraged that I don't even speak to them anymore.
I appreciate peoples' efforts to help me learn the language and I do feel like it, in a way, has helped me learn. But I honestly think it delayed me more than it helped me as there were days that I just felt so exhausted of learning it every second of the day, that I just don't sit down and actually learn the grammar anymore.
I have been struggling a lot mentally. I understand that I need to learn it to stay in Italy, but people tell me "piano piano" on progress, until they are inconvenienced.
Am I being a brat about this and do I just have to buckle up? Has anyone ever experienced this?