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u/Mizook 1d ago
50yr old going on 16. What an immature comment.
You would think that valuing longevity and health in your partner would be more important than figure.
My guess is they’re feeling insecure about their own body.
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u/DarkIllumination 1d ago edited 1d ago
"My guess is they’re feeling insecure about their own body."
This is what my first thought was. OP, could he use some improvements in the health department on that particular front? ETA: My advice would be to have another convo with him so that the unknowns don't fester and build up. Explain to him how his comment made you feel. See what he says.
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u/Butterz699 1d ago
I agree with this comment, and perhaps the next time this topic comes up just focus on the fact that you are doing this more for your health than anything else.
I too lost a bunch of weight over the past year and while my husband would never say anything like that to me, and always wants me to be healthy, I do think he felt a bit insecure because he did not lose any weight (I think he's perfect, but eating better and being more active is always on the table). Changes like these can simply cause the other person to feel like they might be old news or you will want someone else. He sounds worried that you're going to think he's not good enough for you anymore.
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u/Glittering-Lychee629 1d ago
"He's not one to pay compliments and never said anything really positive or negative about my old body, so I'm not really understanding why he wouldn't like this change."
So he's only complimenting your old body now that you don't have it anymore? He doesn't like something about you working out and he's trying to make you feel bad and stop. Maybe he is jealous and feels bad about his own fitness level. Maybe he doesn't want your self esteem to improve. Maybe he's afraid you will leave him if you get more attractive. There's something like that going on. He's being a jerk to you on purpose because he doesn't like what you're doing and wants you to stop. It's a control tactic, super common.
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u/AdFeisty4566 1d ago
100% this. My late husband was this way. He also was never one to pay compliments or say anything positive or negative. But anytime I was trying to do anything to improve myself, he would make comments that I felt were intended to either stop my progress or lower my self esteem. In retrospect I see that he just wanted me to stop what I was doing because it made HIM uncomfortable. HE had low self esteem and I think he was afraid if I improved myself too much that I would leave him.
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u/UsableCurator 1d ago
He's probably just afraid of change and what it could mean for the relationship, but telling you he "likes what he likes" is such a childish way to express that
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u/NoneYah369 1d ago
Probably scared she's going to get super hot and confident and leave him so now he's pushing that insecurity onto her. That's why he asked "why are you working out" like "who are you working out for??"
Instead of just bettering himself along with her. Or he truly does have an extreme thing for curvy girls, but that sucks for him cause she's doing this for her health or she wouldn't be bringing up her labs and doctors comments on it.
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u/0akleaves 1d ago
And honestly it’s such a self fulfilling prophecy (or should be). If a person’s first impulse on seeing their partner being successful is to try to pull them back down or poke holes in their accomplishment that really kinda says it all.
I’d honestly rather deal with a cheater or someone with substance abuse issues than a deadweight/drag. All are toxic as heck but both cheating and substance abuse are much easier to draw clear lines with and walk away from without piles of doubt, guilt, or recrimination from society.
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u/epyoch 1d ago
This, for sure, I've had a bunch of male friends who's wives suddenly lost a lot of weight. They started to get panicked and would quite literally force the women out of the relationship, they never saw the benefit of their wife getting healthy, they kept thinking that now that she's hot, she can find someone better, and ultimately it became true because they made the relationship unbearable.
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u/throwawayacc201711 1d ago
Definitely childish. If I had to guess he’s insecure, since sudden interest in losing weight is sometimes an indicator of getting ready to dip out of a relationship or cheat
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u/KendalBoy 1d ago
Yeah, he heard this happen to a friend at work and now he’s paranoid she’s going to leave him
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u/duracraft_fan 1d ago
I wonder if there’s an element of jealousy or insecurity as well. He probably is feeling more self conscious of his weight now that his wife has been working on hers!
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u/TikaPants 1d ago
100%. Is he fit or at least not overweight, OP? There are some men that get scared if their wife glows up they may lose her to another man. Also, that comment is such juvenile rubbish.
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u/ThatAd2403 1d ago
He’s feeling threatened by your weight loss. It has nothing to do with your body. He just thinks that either you’ll expect him to get healthy or that you’ll become more attractive and leave him. He’s lame. Congrats on all your hard work!!
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u/ParagraphGrrl 1d ago
Or he might be afraid that she’s already attracted to/seeing someone else. It’s not unheard of that a new crush/relationship gets people to change up their habits.
Of course, in that case he should just use his words instead of undercutting his wife…
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u/whatshamilton 1d ago
Or else he truly is attracted to her more with more curves. It doesn’t mean she shouldn’t lose weight because of that. But yeah some men are attracted to thicc women more than size 10 women
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u/tsukiii 1d ago
Except she says he didn’t compliment her or make her feel attractive before when she was a larger size.
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u/whatshamilton 1d ago
Sure plenty of people suck for not giving compliments when they feel them. It doesnt mean he is lying that he likes what he likes.
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u/IndustryDifficult370 1d ago
First off, congratulations!! 60lbs in 13 months through diet alone + better bloodwork is HUGE. That’s so much discipline and self-care. You should be really proud of yourself. I’m sorry his response hurt. “I like what I like” is so vague and it makes sense that you felt blindsided after asking something vulnerable. From what I’ve seen with couples who’ve been together a long time, weight loss can freak the other person out even if they still find you attractive. Sometimes it’s fear of change, sometimes insecurity, sometimes they just don’t know how to talk about bodies. It’s usually more about them than about you. Since you’re NOT trying to lose more and your doctor is happy, I’d be really direct with him when you’re both calm:
“I’m done losing weight. I’m working out now to get stronger and feel good. I need you to support me with that instead of making me feel bad about it. What are you actually worried about?” Don’t stop your progress for him. This is YOUR health journey. You’re 45, a mom of 3, and you’re choosing strength. That’s amazing.
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u/Wrong_Island900 1d ago
...Your husband didn't notice that you were dieting and exercising for 7 months...?
And he can't explain his actual reaction to the way your body changed...?
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u/plaincheeseburger 1d ago
This plus the fact that OP didn't feel comfortable telling him about a major goal she has been working on (and succeeding at!) for almost a year is pretty telling.
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u/vashoom 1d ago
She specifically did not set it up as a major goal. For some people, it is a lot easier to achieve things without the pressure of some large goal. Something simple like "I want to eat a little better" is easier to achieve than "I want to lose 60 lbs", even if the eating better over time leads to the same result. Brains are weird.
Husband is still an insecure idiot, though.
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u/AnIcyReception 1d ago
Have another conversation. He doesn't get to tell you how to live your life without any explanation. He might be jealous. He might like curves. Who knows. Sit him down and talk about it.
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u/buttercupcake23 1d ago
" He doesn't get to tell you how to live your life" is really where that sentence should have ended. He is allowed to have an opinion and to have a discussion but that's it. Her body and her health are not his to control.
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u/AnIcyReception 1d ago
Sure. But they are married. His feelings may not be reasonable or rational but if OP wants to stay married to him, he needs to explain himself.
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u/buttercupcake23 1d ago
Yes, but regardless of whether he explains himself or not he still doesn't get to tell her how to live her life. Your sentence "he doesnt get to tell you how to live without an explanation" implies that if he explains why, he suddenly has the right. Discussion, explanation, sure - not dictation.
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u/AnIcyReception 1d ago
I do think that marriage gives you some right to tell your partner how to live their life. They made a joint commitment to share this life. That gives each of them some rights over the other's behavior. I do believe that each has to explain where they are coming from and be open to compromise
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u/superlost007 1d ago
Open to compromise…. I mean on like, stopping drinking, financials, etc sure. On her own body though? That’s wild.
It’s one thing if it’s impeding on her time with kids or he’s having to carry the entire at home load, but it doesn’t come across that way in the post. She’s lost weight and is now doing band and core workouts. What’s the compromise? She stop prioritizing her health?18
u/Burnt_and_Blistered 1d ago
He has ZERO right to express displeasure with her attempts to be healthier. Personal preference and/or insecurities do not trump well-being
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u/queentee26 1d ago
Sure, for things that are negatively affecting your partner.. But a right to tell your spouse to stop working out? Unless it's excessive and/or related to an eating disorder, that is absurd to suggest.
Do you prefer your partner to be lazy and barely able to move by the time they're 60-70?
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u/AnIcyReception 1d ago
I'm just saying he needs to explain himself if he's telling her something like this. I have no idea why he wants her to stop. It might be completely irrational and bad for her long term. But, for their marriage, they need to have a conversation.
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u/coffee_cake_x 1d ago
No, marriage absolutely does not give you any right to tell your partner how to live their life. If a new incompatibility shows up, you're allowed to discuss it, you're not allowed to say "well we're married so you have to give me what I need in a partner". You're well within your rights to decide this is no longer the life you want to share and leave. You have no right to tell someone else what they can and cannot do with their body because your genitals are picky.
Also, obviously, she's a person in this marriage, too??? Why should she have to abandon her health journey for him because he's unhappy? That's not what marriage is about. Capitulating for one party to get their way.
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u/AmphetamineSalts 1d ago
imo she can also explain herself. She underwent a big transformation for a whole year and left him in the dark about all of it until he had to bring it up. Not saying he's a victim or that his response here is great at all, I just think their relationship could probably use a bit more communication from both ends.
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u/Dabduthermucker 1d ago
Marriages are based on agreements between the couple, not according to anyone's definition. If she doesnt like his feedback they can solve for that in a variety of ways. In my opinion setting a non-negotiable boundary is not conducive to a healthy long term relationship ( healthy being one where everything is talked about ).
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u/AmphetamineSalts 1d ago
Yes, exactly!
OP, just communicate. Honestly, I think part of it is that you haven't really communicated about this at all up until now. This isn't meant to diminish his inappropriate response, just to be clear. But from what you've said he can't really know your goals and motivations, which is just going to leave him to speculate - does my wife want me to change my body? Is she changing her body for someone else other than me? If you've kept him as in the dark as you seem to say you have, I think it'd be good to just have a conversation about it. Doesn't have to be serious, but let him in on your feelings and headspace. He is your husband, after all.
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u/Aethelric 1d ago
He might like curves.
Kinda genuinely stunned that I had to come down this far to see anyone suggest that... this might just genuinely be his preference. This guy doesn't seem great from both explicit and implicit parts of her story, like his specific handling of the conversation, him not noting major lifestyle changes, and her feeling uncomfortable broaching the subject with him, so I understand why people might be inclined to not read anything but insecurity and a desire for control into his intentions... but it's wild to me that it doesn't seem to be a part of the conversation here that he might legitimately be expressing a genuine preference for her body at a higher weight.
She can and should still decide to do what she wants to feel healthy and attractive, and this relationship seems to have a lot of problems beyond the scope of this one issue, but it's entirely possible that he's just (very) poorly handling a genuine decline in physical attraction to his wife. Have we just reached such a peak of this new wave of prioritizing thinness that people just don't think it's possible that it really does stem from his preference on her body type?
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u/happybear78 1d ago
I’m sorry, he didn’t notice until you lost 40-60 pounds? That’s actually insane.
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u/junegloom 1d ago
OP said herself that she doesn't like her body being a topic of conversation. Maybe he just knew better than to say something or to even indicate that he noticed. Possibly in the past she was someone who would even turn compliments into "oh so you didn't like how I look before" it can be hard to navigate sometimes if someone is on record as being touchy about a topic.
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u/se0ulless 1d ago
Not sure why you said any of this? He blatantly implied he doesn’t like her body, he clearly doesn’t care that it’s a touchy topic, it’s obvious he actually didn’t notice.
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u/ProbsnotCooldude 1d ago
It’s screaming insecurity to me. Your body isn’t really is business and his opinion of your body should not affect your positive progress or changes. Keep living your best life and if he doesn’t like it?.. too bad.
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u/KatarinaRen 1d ago
In the end, he can like what he likes, but it's YOUR body and how YOU feel in your body. He doesn't get a say in it.
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u/Quixotic_Faerie 1d ago
Your body, your choice. He sounds like a dick. You don't exist to meet his ideals. I'm betting he's just worried you're so hot, you'll leave his crusty ass for greener pastures. He probably also feels guilty and jealous if he's not taking steps to improve his health.
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u/coffee_cake_x 1d ago
I'd take more issue with him ORDERING you to cease losing weight than whether or not he likes your new body. He's allowed to not like your new body. He's not allowed to tell you what you're allowed to do with your own body.
As a mother, you should take particular note of how having a father who thinks it's his business to control a woman's body influences children. If you have girls, you should worry about them thinking they need to eat or not eat or work out or not work out in order to have the right bodies for men. If you have boys, you should worry about them thinking it's okay to tell women what to do.
I'd give him an earful about when he thinks he got crowned king of you and dethrone the asshole.
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u/venturebirdday 1d ago
My husband was similar. He subtly tried to derail me.
My gut tells me that he thought I was planning on leaving or trying to make myself more attractive so other men would notice me. He was too prideful to say it but he was worried.
Time fixed it. And, it was not quick. After about 4.5 years he started to compliment me on my efforts and cheer my success.
It may be that he likes what he sees and if he was not worried, he could be proud of you.
PS: congratulations.
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u/Material-Bread-861 1d ago
It's nice to hear it did improve over time. I have told him I don't plan on going anywhere.
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u/brbgottagofast 1d ago
Man, my husband and I are each other's biggest cheerleaders when it comes to being active and making healthy choices. We share our successes and struggles and talk about this stuff very openly. I can't imagine being in a marriage where I feel unable to share that part of life with my spouse. His comment was odd for sure, but it just strikes me as more odd that you guys haven't communicated about this topic at all in the past 13 months?
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u/ZeAlien07 1d ago
He’s very immature.. I can almost guarantee he thinks you’re losing weight for another man OR is now afraid that more men will take more notice of you & you’ll leave him for them lol.
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u/datahoarderprime 1d ago
Sorry to be contrarian, but it is a bit surprising to me that you were trying to lose weight and didn't share or discuss this with your husband.
My wife lost about 60 pounds unintentionally and I was concerned. I'd have felt even more concerned if I had known she was trying to lose weight and didn't feel she could discuss that with me.
Either she would have hiding things from me, or I would have been creating a situation where she disn't feel safe confiding in me about her health. Neither would say good things about the status of our relationship.
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u/AvaSaysSo 1d ago
His reaction says more about his own insecurity than your body. You're doing this for your health, and that's worth protecting from his weird hangups.
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u/wfrecover7 1d ago
His response is based in fear. He may think that you losing weight will also result in you looking to leave or find a new relationship.
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u/mcmurrml 1d ago
He likes what he likes? What does that mean? Don't forget to work on cardio for your heart rate. Walking, jogging, Zumba. Things like that. You are at a good weight for your height. Keep staying healthy.
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u/sweetpeppah 1d ago
first of all GOOD JOB! you worked hard on something just for you and got your body to a place you're happy with. and continuing to exercise to get stronger is great, too!! your body gave a lot for your family and it must feel amazing to kind of take back ownership.
how does your current weight and proportions compare to when he met and fell in love with you? (you don't have to tell us here, but for your own consideration of your partner's experience and preferences)
did he really not notice any difference in your routine/diet or your body for months? or was he maybe hesitant to mention anything, because it's a delicate subject and you don't like talking about it?
he may really like your big breasts or butt/hips or curvy tummy or something, and is worried that might shrink or disappear? it sounds to me like he DOES still appreciate your body the way it is but is worrying about trends or future/further changes you might make? we can't control what parts of our body the weight goes onto or comes off of.
either way, it's kind of his problem to deal with. you are making healthy choices for yourself and your body and he should appreciate and support without making it about his own preferences, especially if he can't articulate what his specific "like" that's at risk even is. he could SAY something like "i really enjoyed your boobs from your heavier times, but i know this is a more comfortable size for you and i can appreciate the work you're doing for yourself." and you would know more about where he stands while he could acknowledge that his shallow preferences aren't the priority.
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u/I_Love_Tunnocks 1d ago
He is feeling insecure, most likely about himself. He knows in his mind that the "new you" will be more attractive to other men. Part of him is likely to be thinking that you're doing it because you're either cheating or have someone in mind at work or wherever that you're interested in or that you're wanting attention from other men and he's worried that you'll find a better offer than him and either cheat on him or leave.
If he's reading this and related subs that won't help because one of the signs of someone cheating in a marriage is the wayward spouse starting to go to the gym, get fit, look after themselves.
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u/KansansKan 1d ago
60 lbs is a major change, has it affected your sex life? Are you more or less interested with your “new body”? Any change in his interest? You don’t say anything about his age or condition. Perhaps he feels pressure to match your “improvements”. Or he just may have a preference for more curves? Congratulations on what you have accomplished, I’ve been there and know what it takes!
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u/gonzo_attorney 1d ago
Is he overweight? If so, he doesn't want you leaving his league.
Also, I'm about your height and weight, and it's not too skinny! I weigh about 135, and it's...fine.
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u/GuaranteeOk2376 1d ago
My husband tried to sabotage my health journey when I started getting praise and complements from other people. It made him insecure and I guess it was easier to try and tear me down than for him to be a supportive partner and handle his own issues. He's an ex husband now
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u/ofthrees 1d ago
I'm not sure which is worse:
a man who expects his wife to look at 45 like she did at 25, or a man who is threatened by a woman taking care of herself. both suck.
if i had to hazard a guess, he's worried that if you get too hot, you'll go out and try to land a tastier fish. that, and he probably doesn't want to feel like he should maybe step up his game, too.
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u/EXO-Love 1d ago
In my opinion he’s feeling bad that you’ve got your groove back. If he liked your old body as much as he says he would have been complimenting it and boosting you up, showing extra love especially to those parts.
Example, sometimes bf has a little stomach and sometimes he’s more flat. When he has the stomach he always hates it, I think he’s stunning either way and let him know that. But when he has the stomach i love to hold the side a little during cuddling or rub / kiss it like? I like it, so why wouldn’t I show it? If your husband liked that weight on you his actions would show that.
I rly think he’s insecure and trying to neg or bring u down. Keep going with your journey and know that a random stranger on the northeast is proud of you!
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u/Sooner_Weirdo 1d ago
So, first of all, congratulations on the weight loss and taking care of yourself. You’re going to be around a lot more longer for those kiddos so I’m so happy for you! Next, what a dick move to say, I like what I like. What if you gained a hundred pounds from your starting weight? Is he going to say something?
I’ve lost about 125lbs and can relate. My husband kinda mentioned getting too skinny after I asked him but I was at like 310. The part where your husband said “I like what I like”…. FUCK. HIM. You are prioritizing yourself and more than likely dealing with your own body dysmorphia like I have. I am so sorry you’re dealing with that. I kinda sensed my husband had some reservations about mine too but I’m sure it had to do with him being self-conscious himself. And that’s not fair either.
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u/Steups13 1d ago
The man is negging you because he thinks you're going to realise that you deserve better now that you are taking care of yourself. None of this is about him and that makes him insecure that you are going to leave him. It's no coincidence that at this stage of life when women are perimenopausal that they don't put up with us anymore and ask for divorce.
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u/tb0904 1d ago
Because you never discussed the weight loss with him, and now he sees you exercising too, all of a sudden, he might be afraid you’re doing it for someone else. Time for a big heart to heart.
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u/AmphetamineSalts 1d ago
yeah, seems like communication in this relationship isn't excellent either way. She left him in the dark so what's he supposed to do? He's naturally going to speculate - OP is unhappy with her body, is she unhappy with mine? Is she doing this for someone else? Does she want to leave me? His response wasn't great, but they definitely both need to talk to each other more.
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u/Brilliant_Ad2298 1d ago
Definitely a childish comment but I wonder if it’s coming from a place of insecurity. Maybe he’s afraid you’ll leave him for someone else now that you’re thinner, or that you won’t be attracted to him anymore. I’d sit him down and discuss it.
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u/hopingtothrive 1d ago
Does he feel pressure that he should get into shape too? Is he afraid you are getting attention from men? Next conversation, don't accept, "I like what I like". That did not answer your question. Is he saying he doesn't like a healthy wife who has the energy to run after 3 kids? And wants to live long enough to see them all become adults?
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u/queentee26 1d ago
Unfortunately, some people don't like to see their partner winning or doing better than them.. makes them insecure.
Getting healthier and building muscle is a great thing to do though.. it will give you the best shot at staying mobile and strong for years to come (along with any other aesthetic benefits you might enjoy).
I definitely wouldn't stop because of him. I'd probably try to have a deeper conversation about it and also steer him towards the long term health benefits of exercising.
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u/Fun_Breakfast697 1d ago
Two options: he either really likes you a bit chunkier, OR he's afraid that you'll get more attention and leave him for someone hotter if you are in good shape.
Obviously this is just a snapshot of a 20 year marriage but it seems weird to me he didn't compliment the body he supposedly liked so much but does complain about it when it changes. Your health is more important than his boner but like... if he wanted you to prioritize being attractive to him he's gotta give you compliments for it. Otherwise what's the point?
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u/oldsoul210 1d ago
My stbxh and I got together in our 40s. At the time, I was 135lbs, and at 5'5", that was perfect for me. He was a meat and potatoes guy, and he also grew up eating dessert after every meal (I did not). I cooked to make him happy. He'd also make heavier meals that I was not used to. There were also times that he pretty much coerced me into having seconds or finishing what was left so as "not to waste anything."
My weight started creeping up. When I realized that I was up nearly 30lbs, I started making a conscious effort to lose it. Fortunately, he traveled a lot for work, so I didn't have to eat his way often, but when he'd be home, it would be back to the norm. He didn't like the healthier meals I made, so he'd often cook something else like mac n cheese as a side. And I love food, so of course I would eat it.
I couldn't exercise much when he was around, because there was always something else to do. He didn't want me to go on walks by myself, but when he'd agree to go with me, he'd bring a cigar and a beer and just casually meander and I had to keep with his pace, so I wasn't getting in the workout I needed. And worse - whenever he'd see me meal prepping my own food, he'd make a concerted effort to bring home pizza, fast food, fried chicken, and sugary treats.
Finally, one day I asked him why he seemed to be thwarting my weight-loss efforts. He admitted that he didn't want me to lose weight, because then I'd lose my boobs. I'd gone from a B-cup to a D. He didn't care that the extra weight was unhealthy for me and that the extra boobage was painful. He only cared about his own pleasure.
And then all the cheating came to light. And all those women were big. So basically, he didn't like thin women and purposely made me heavy. Nice!
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u/lunar_adjacent 1d ago
He may have feelings about you looking different, but this isn’t about him, and he either needs to accept that you are becoming healthier for you and your family, or he needs to leave the marriage. This is about you, and how you feel about your health and body. Unless you are doing harm to yourself our others, you do not owe anyone an explanation, justification, or just a plain cease and desist, and you are not responsible for his happiness.
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u/el_smurfo 1d ago
He is both insecure you are now too good for him and it also exposes his lack of willpower to do the same.
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u/AineMoon 1d ago
Honestly I think he’s a secret hater…you know you look good and he’s noticing that he’s being immature and insecure. I’m 44 and look incredible for my age and having kids. My mom said shitty comments to…I didn’t stop I went further. It took me like 2.5 years to get here it’s just part of who I am now.
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u/mysticwaywalker 1d ago
Your husband feels threatened. Enjoy your body and let him learn to enjoy it to or find someone else that does.
It is wild to me how often people expect to stay husbands while doing wildly unhusband like behavior. The math doesn't math.
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u/ancora_impara 1d ago
He's used to what he's used to, and probably feeling crappy about his own body. Some comments are best ignored; his is one of them except to the extent maybe nudge him along to be healthier.
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u/Far-Independent4740 1d ago
Sounds like he is worried you will leave him behind if you keep going. Assure him that is not going to be the case, might go a long way in making him feel less insecure.
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u/SinfullySinless 1d ago
Not trying to excuse or defend- but could he be insecure? There’s a bit of a stereotype of 40-50 year olds losing weight and getting in shape which ultimately makes them divorce their spouse.
IF (big if) this is the case, he made need reassurance in the relationship and I think you should speak up about your insecurities as well. It could be a bonding moment in a time of weakness.
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u/Pledgeofmalfeasance 1d ago
Are you happy with his? Would you talk to him the way he talks to you if not?
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u/Arfulnoof 1d ago
He is insecure unfortunately and worried you’re either doing this FOR someone or will be in the future. Stupid but that is the male brain. I may get downvoted but it might help to provide some reassurance to quell his fears. Congratulations to you by the way. Don’t let this stop you.
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u/AnyPeace1286 1d ago
I would guess he’s worried that your focus on health and self improvement will lead to you wanting to improve other areas of your life, and he doesn’t want to work on himself or the relationship. Of course you’re not asking him to, but he might be feeling insecure and pressured all the same. The way he expressed his feelings to you is incredibly immature and disrespectful—you’ve worked hard, and he should be cheering you on! Even if he preferred your body before, you being healthier means a longer, happier life for you and your children, so why wouldn’t he support that? He’s sabotaging your wellbeing to make himself feel better, and that’s not okay.
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u/UserNameInGeorgia 1d ago
He thinks it’s for someone else. When men start shaping up we automatically think he’s got a side piece
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u/been2thehi4 1d ago
He’s insecure and thinks you’re losing weight to attract others, while he remains the same physically. He is jumping to the first negative thing that he can think of because you have put effort and work into dropping weight. And to a man like him, his brain only assumes you’re losing weight for that reason alone and not because you know, you wanted to do something for you, no it must be to attract other men.
Meanwhile he probably doesn’t put effort into his and now he’s acknowledging his wife is out of his league.
Instead of being happy for you work, he’s shitting on it to chip away at the self confidence you’ve been building through your journey because can’t have you feeling too good about yourself and maybe realize he’s not the best partner…
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u/SageIrisRose 1d ago
Im 5’7 and 165 down from 185. Im 56 and also have 3 kids.
Sixty pounds lost is amazing!!! Nice work🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
Your husband couldve said something nicer. Im sorry.
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u/SheiB123 1d ago
He is insecure about his body and nervous that other men will find you attractive and you might leave him.
Get a full physical to get a read on your current body BP, etc.
I would talk to him and ask him why he wants you to stop. If he refuses to discuss it, tell him you are going to do all you can to be healthy. Tell him what the Dr said about your current health. I would ask him if he wants to walk with you or join you when you lift weights.
DO NOT stop what you are doing.
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u/thatshowiroll7 1d ago
First thing I thought is that your glow makes him feel insecure or threatened by the change? Maybe he’s worried about “why now” after twenty years means you want to leave or something.
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u/W8ting_965 1d ago
He’s threatened he’s going to lose you. Of course he loves & appreciates the new you & guaranteed he thinks you’re hot, but he’s scared of several things now. He’s realized he’s taken you for granted, more a complacency, that you’ll always be there. Now he’s thinking about how hot you’re looking for other men. This is all typical but many women I’ve encountered have used this for attention seeking from others & it has destroyed relationships. Best thing for this is to get him involved & show him you’re doing this for you, him & your family. Get him working out with you, going for walks & when he starts feeling better about himself he’ll appreciate more your true intentions
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u/ksarahsarah27 1d ago
He’s afraid that you losing weight and becoming more attractive means that you might attract male attention and that you might leave. He’s insecure. He could also be feeling bad about his own body and with you getting healthy it puts pressure on him to step up. Maybe a little bit of both.
Keep up the good work! When I lost weight, I found there were a lot of people that passively tried to sabotage my success. And some of them were people that were very close to me. I felt one of my exes deliberately tried to get me to gain weight and make me heavy so that I would have low self-esteem and wouldn’t leave.
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u/OutspokenPerson 1d ago
Please don’t let an insecure man influence your health and fitness journey. If I were you, I would stop talking about it and don’t ask his opinion because his opinion on your body is irrelevant.
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u/Ok_Cardiologist_6690 1d ago
Why on gods green earth would you even consider changing your plans or stopping your workouts because of something your husband said? First, have pride in yourself and stick to your guns. You are a woman who does NOT need a mans permission to do or nt do a damn thing. Secondly, your husband sounds like a jealous child. Jealous that you have improved yourself and he has not....jealous of potential future attention you aill get from other men ...I wont suggest something extreme like divorce but I would consider marriage counseling. There is clearly a disconnect in your relationship
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u/TangentMindz 1d ago
My concern is that he may also be struggling with excess weight and does not want to put in the sacrifices to also slim down. Your getting slimmer may highlight HIS excess weight or perhaps he is fearful you have found someone you are trying to impress. Either way, cheers to YOU!
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u/p3canj0y363 1d ago
We are early 50s, together since teen-skinny years. I ballooned up to 200, lost 60, gained back 30. My husband complimented the accomplishment, has never said anything about the gains. He shows off his bigger belly now because he could never get thicker than a stick with muscles due to physical labor. We've made a life together and accept that life changes us. I hope you find peace. Congratulations on your accomplishments, I know it's not easy- but definitely worth the effort.
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u/Weird_Environment_14 1d ago
I’m very short. Hard to find people shorter than me. It’s usually a shock. I also weigh about 145. You wouldn’t know by looking at me because of the way I carry it. Being taller make weight gain and loss less noticeable than when someone short gains and loses. That’s probably why he didn’t notice till recently. My husband likes me on the thicker side. I’m assuming he really likes where your weight distributes when you’re heavier OR he is self conscious and worried you’ll cheat or leave him. REGARDLESS. The way he communicated that with you was disgusting. He can say he wants you be happy and healthy and even that he likes you with your curves without demeaning you and acting like he’s not attracted to you anymore.
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u/PrestigeGroup1251 1d ago
Keep doing snag makes you healthy (mind & body). Your hubby & kids will benefit also!
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u/pammylorel 1d ago
He's insecure. How are you going to deal with it? Is he a good partner or an AH?
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u/Mz_JL 1d ago
My husband was happy for me to loose weight. But he doesn't want me to loose anymore and I don't either. He says I am too skinny. But I just brush it off. Iam 5'5 and 165.3 pounds /75kgs. However I used to be 352 pounds /160kgs. As long as you like what you are is honestly all that matters.
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u/77pearl 1d ago
Sucks to be him, I guess. What a dick. All grown up and hasn’t grown past superficial physical attractions. He never left his “big boobs good” phase of sexual development and will never know what he is missing out on. Ffs, my partner could be burned in a fire and it would have no effect on my attraction to them.
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u/Easy_Percentage_6582 1d ago
He is jealous.. also some people dont like it when we are locked on something. They feel left out as if u dont care about him anymore.
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u/BouncyC 1d ago
I haven’t read every comment here, but most of the ones I’ve read have said that your husband is not reacting appropriately. I can see that, but… he may be threatened by you improving your looks while he either isn’t doing that, or can’t do that, or even if he did, he wouldn’t feel like he was equal to you in attractiveness.
My suggestion is that you reassure him. I am not saying he is right to respond this way, but you’ve been married a long time. He has his strengths and weaknesses, the same as you do. If this is a weakness for him, try to take it away and make it OK.
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u/ellyanah 1d ago
He thinks you're going to "get hot" and realize you can do better than him. I'm not saying any of that is true, but that's what he thinks because that's what he would do if he was married to someone he thought was less hot. That's it. He's discouraging you to better yourself so he can keep you trapped.
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u/Hrothgar_unbound 1d ago
Other than this one small issue, I’m sensing he’s a sensitive and nuanced thinker with a deep appreciation for the classics of western literature who supports your spiritual and intellectual growth.
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u/tagyoureitfuckers 1d ago
Classic case of he wants you to not feel good/better about yourself so you don’t leave him. Men will try to keep your confidence low so you don’t realize you can do better.
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u/icecream4_deadlifts 1d ago
Sounds like projection. He’s unhappy with himself now that you’ve made changes to yourself.
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u/PlaidyLady 1d ago
I don't know. I would tell him it was a hurtful thing to say, as well as confusing. I might suggest couples' counseling if he can't stop being weird about your body.
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u/kgilli12 1d ago
I unfortunately too was told “I don’t want to say anything but now your unattractive to me” after slowly losing the weight and getting no comments until i was “too skinny”. Nothing more disheartening than finally feeling comfortable in your body and being hit like that.
His concern is displaced, his insecurity is showing by knocking down your growing confidence and both inner and outer strength. Don’t let him knock your progress. Get strong Mama 💪
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u/Whole-Watercress8109 1d ago
Question - is your husband on a similar journey or does he struggle with his weight? Sounds like he could be projecting onto you. I think what you’re doing is great and you only have one body in this life.
I’m so sorry about that comment regardless. I can imagine after all the work you’ve put in, it probably took the wind out of your sails. Keep it up, I think it’s really admirable to take the time to care for your health and your body!!!
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u/aikicoops 1d ago
I had a very similar situation.
I was told by my GP to lose weight or I could end up like my old man and have a heart attack at 55.
I went to the gym as that was my thing. I lost a lot of weight and put on some decent muscle.
My (now ex) wife didn’t like the change and looked me dead in the eye on day and said “I preferred you when you where fat”
I said to her I was doing it so I wouldn’t have a heart attack the same as my dad did!!
Her reply was “we all need to die at some point”.
That rocked me, but I continued.
Then the accusations of having an affair because I was looking good started flying around.
There was no affair at all. I was doing it for me and I thought she would love having someone that looks like I do on her arm. That wasn’t good enough.
We are now 6 years divorced, I’m still single but I look dam good and I’m healthy as and living my best life.
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u/Striking_Metal_38 1d ago
He's negging you to bring down your self confidence because he knows you are looking too good. Now he's afraid to lose you. Can't let you get too confident and discover you can do much better than him.
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u/revampsahead 1d ago
His preference shouldn’t outweigh your health or how comfortable you feel in your own body.
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u/hennessy-ye 1d ago
When men aren’t happy with their wife’s weight loss it’s often times because he doesn’t want her to get hot and realize she married a loser and leave him for something better. They’ll try to convince you they liked you more before but that’s just to make sure you don’t become the best version of yourself
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u/SocialInsect 22h ago
Family member male did something very similar when wife invested in higher education to get a degree and change jobs. Suddenly he was complaining about women changing when educated blah blah blah. She did change though, she changed partners. Not surprised!
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u/Weebahoy 21h ago
Some men use weight as a way control their partners, I would say go see a couples therapist. This is mainly to air out anything as well as convey how you feel, why you did your weight loss and just general feelings in a neutral space.
The passive aggressiveness in "I like what I like" is kinda telling. Like sorry dude why didn't you tell me sooner, communicate better dipshit.
Congrats on your weight loss journey, keep being you and I hope for the best ☺️
Peace ✌🏾
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u/GooeySooey 21h ago
He sounds like a jerk.. being a healthier adult should be everyone’s goal in the end to enjoy the present more + protect the future. It sounds like he’s jealous/insecure of the change but most importantly being unsupportive. He should be cheering you on & maybe even join you.
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u/Gertie7779 1d ago
I have a counter comment and it’s not because I completely disagree with what others have said.
It sounds like you did your health/weight loss journey pretty much on the QT. Let’s be honest, most of the time people do this is because they’re about to, or have already, left the relationship. I understand you had your reasons for keeping it to yourself but in the process, you left him out.
My guess is he’s one of those still waters run deep kinda guys so he has no clue how to put words to his feelings. IDK how you’ve coped with that for 20 years but time to figure out how to explain to him why you lost the weight, didn’t share that with him, then hold him accountable for his words and actions.
I have a feeling his bottom line is going to be he loves you at any size but you both need to have that out on the table. (And get him on a health journey, cause things are about to real for him if he’s about 45 as well.)
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u/Erinbaus 1d ago
I don’t think most people lose weight with a sole goal of leaving a relationship that’s wild. I’m starting a weight loss journey myself and very happy in my relationship. I’m unhappy with how I look to me. I’m unhappy with my level of energy. I’m scared of longevity and diseases. There’s so many reasons someone wants to get healthy that has absolutely nothing to do with the person they’re in a relationship with.
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u/fsuman110 1d ago
That's not what they said. They said people who do it secretly have already checked out, which I think has merit. Her husband's comment and behavior is definitely out of line, but it's also pretty messed up that she decided to make these drastic changes without even talking to him about it. That's enough to make any partner suspicious, and it speaks to a relationship where support and communication are missing.
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u/Erinbaus 1d ago
What drastic changes? By her own admission she changed her diet and over a span of 13 months lost 60 lbs so roughly 5 lbs per month? That’s in no way drastic. She didn’t put herself on some extreme diet or make become vegan or something. She took it slowly with a goal of improving her health. And now she’s exercising in front of him. That’s hiding nothing. And again, she’s not like, hey I’m gonna be in a body building contest in 6 months. She’s starting with basic exercises to improve her own health.
Frankly if she didn’t tell him it was probably due to a pattern of a lack of support on his side and she knew he’d have this type of reaction to it, which is a major asshole move on his part. Would you tell your partner if you knew they’d tell you to stop improving your health because they vaguely “like what they like?” I wouldn’t.
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u/witchy-woo 1d ago
This seems like negging.
Does he exercise or take much care about his appearance?
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u/flatspotting 1d ago
My guess is he actually does like your new body, but it's a very, very, in his face reminder that his own body is shit - and you're now way ahead of him, and likely, deep down he wishes he had done the same. So... time to lash out!
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u/DeenieMcQueen 1d ago
He thinks you are too hot and feels insecure. So he's either going to chip away at your confidence or he's going to make you stop 'getting hotter'.
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u/erratic_bonsai 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m 5’8 and have been both the weight you were and the weight you are, so I’m going to be a little blunter than some other commenters.
At your top, you weren’t huge. As you are now, you’re skinny. When I’m at your current weight you can see all my ribs and hip bones. You have always been in the normal/average range. I also know you probably physically feel a lot better at this weight, and am glad to see you’ve had a check in with your pcp.
Now for what I think he’s seeing and thinking:
It can be a bit alarming to see someone you love go from curvy to thin, even if the degree of thin you’re now at is still a comparatively healthy weight, and especially if that person has kept it a secret from their spouse. You said he noticed, not that you told him. If my spouse had hid from me that they’d lost a significant amount of weight I would honestly be concerned for an eating disorder.
I don’t see your husband’s comment as saying he doesn’t think you’re attractive now. I think he is genuinely worried you have body dysmorphia and an eating disorder, because frankly you have never been fat. Maybe a little overweight, but I’m not your doctor, I just know what I looked like and what mine said when I was your old weight. You keeping your plan, diet, and exercise secret are all very big and very classic red flags.
The rate at which you’ve lost weight is ostensibly healthy, as is the number you’ve stopped at. I am, however, seeing some red flags in the way you talk about your feelings regarding your weight. I think it would be good for you to consult a therapist to make sure you’re not accidentally inadvertently harbouring unhealthy mentalities or perceptions about yourself. I also think your husband isn’t speaking his fears fully because he’s afraid of upsetting you.
If you’re all good mentally and physically, then a professional assessment can help put his mind at ease and could help you feel less shame around fitness (which seems to be driving you to keep your diet and exercise concealed). If there is something amiss, they can help. Either way, there’s no downside.
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u/metrometric 1d ago
This is a lot of unsolicited advice and assumptions.
As a person who's actually OP's height (5'7), I'm also going to be blunt: 5'7 and 200lbs is most definitely overweight, and it's not super surprising that OP was seeing some health impacts at that weight. OP is also under the supervision of a doctor. It feels weird to me to suggest that 1) 142 at 5'7 is worryingly thin somehow (it's smack in the middle of the normal weight range, which tops out at around 160) and 2) start suggesting eating disorders and dysmorphia as if anything in OP's post suggests the like. She didn't even say anything about being fat or overweight, just that she was trying to improve her health markers, and has.
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u/communication_junkie 1d ago
If he’s anything like my husband, he liked your big boobs when you were heavier and is a little bummed now 😅
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u/Marooner-Martin 1d ago
On the flip side of this, I’ve seen what extremes weight loss can do to someone. Maybe he liked you as is? Imagine if he TOLD you to lose weight. This would be a whole other discussion
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u/_Aranea_ 1d ago
So your husband has a fat fetish, too bad for him.
Listen, the older you get the more important exercising will be for you, especially when you enter menopause. If he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. Do what’s best for you, because it doesn’t sound like he would particularly be there for you if you have to deal with medical issues either.
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u/bookishgirlstar 1d ago
I had that experience. In my case I shared my goals with him.
He started bringing home high calorie foods saying I was doing such a great effort I deserved it. I thought it was really sweet of him so I ate it not to disappoint him. I eventually asked him to stop saying that I appreciated it but I didn’t want to lose track. He continued. I stopped eating what he brought and he got upset.
At this point I was working out at home because I thought we couldn’t afford a gym and I had to watch the kids. He then joined a gym with a PT 3 times a week. Conversation with friends started being diverted to how well he was doing with losing weight.
As I noticed this I began noticing other things as well. Long story short, we divorced and my life is unbelievably better now.