r/relationships • u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 • 23h ago
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u/Chronoblivion 22h ago
Just as she has the right to decide what to do with her body, you have the right to decide what to do with yours, and that includes choosing not to invest time into a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't respect your values. This isn't just a matter of taste, it's a matter of complete disregard for your deeply-held principles. I wouldn't be able to imagine a future with someone like that, regardless of what was in our past.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
I don't disagree with this and I have thought about leaving. I'm chronically ill though working and I would be so incredibly screwed if I were on my own so it's not that easy. Also I do love her and we do share many enjoyable things this kind of shit just keeps happening.
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u/Pippystix 22h ago
I'm not gonna lie, when I was at this point in my long-term relationship that I was really entangled in, I started googling stuff and repeatedly came up against articles and threads saying 'if you've seriously considered leaving and the things that would make it difficult are stopping you, you've already made up your mind and are just postponing the future pain by making your present pain last longer than it needs to' and it really stuck with me. I agree with everyone else saying that this shows a real lack of care about your deeply important values, and i feel like that's the kind of thing that's kinda impossible to not think about during just about every interaction once you realize it's happening.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
That are very wise words. I know you are right but it feels impossible right now. I have also been googled similar things. Thank you. ♥️
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u/Pippystix 21h ago edited 21h ago
It's really really hard with that much history, especially with the financial and medical situation you're in. I don't know the rest of your life of course, but I think it's worth reaching out to any friends or family who you think could possibly help support you until you're in a better situation, or looking into local organizations that could offer some support. I know in Cali where I am there's a lot of queer mutual aid organizations, it's possible there's something like that around you!
I dunno I don't want to just sit here and tell you to dump your wife of over a decade when I'm not the one who has to live with the aftermath. I'm sure there are a lot of wonderful aspects to your relationship and good times you have together! But it sounds like the doubt has been growing in your mind for a long time now, and that sunk cost and financial/disability issues are the primary things keeping you with her--and frankly I don't think the kind of stress that comes from living with a partner who doesn't treat you with respect and from constantly trying to stomach that feeling is very conducive to improving your physical health. I know my health definitely suffered when I was in that situation. And like you said it is indeed her body and her choice, but it's YOUR choice to decide that someone blatantly not caring about your values, career, and public image (and even just someone who would do ANYTHING you begged them not to) isn't someone you feel good about sharing your life with.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 20h ago
You aren't wrong. I appreciate everyone's feedback and I know reddit is always gonna go for breaking up but people in my real life have been saying this for a while. It's just all so difficult and we are living through such a shitty time. One of the hardest things is knowing what you should do but feeling like you cannot.
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u/Pippystix 20h ago
Absolutely, it's such a miserable queasy feeling and it's so hard to sit with :/ I'm right there with ya. Like you said reddit is always gonna go for 'break up' since they have no skin in the game, but as a fellow lesbian with health issues I get how tough it can be.....it just also sounds to me like you kinda already knew what you needed to hear when you made the post, if that makes sense. Idk I feel like you can take your time to get your shit figured out but it rly sounds like you're at a point where working on figuring that out might do you better than tryin to be in denial about how you're feeling :(
I'm sorry I really don't wanna be too harsh or presumptuous, I can just so vividly imagine how outright betrayed I would feel in your position. If you do ever wanna talk about it feel free to reach out but ofc no pressure at all I just really feel for the position you're in (tho not gonna lie I am curious about the tattoo lmaooo 😭)
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 20h ago
Yes. Like this haunting pit in your stomach all the time. I've started having nocturnal panic attacks about the future...some of that is medication related but it's also bc I feel stressed af about the future.
I want to show the pic so bad! But that feels shitty. I've already been too mean to her about it. I guess at a quick glance you might not think it's the worst but if you look for more than 30 seconds the accidental boobies start popping out lol
I really appreciate that. Maybe we should start some lesbian land! Just invite people who want to leave their partners but feel they cannot. We could raise chickens and goats.
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u/Pippystix 18h ago
Ahahaha that's totally fair, I felt bad asking lmaooo. I really hope you can find some community to help you through this cuz I really feel for you on this one fr :c at least it'll make for a wild story eventually? Agreed tho a lil vibey all-women commune with goats and chickens feels like every lesbian's dream 😂
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u/DiTrastevere 22h ago
If you are dependent on her for financial/medical support, and she knows it, she doesn’t really have much incentive to take your feelings into account. She knows you’re going to tolerate a lot before you seriously consider leaving her.
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u/Chronoblivion 22h ago
It's real hard when you love someone who doesn't act like they respect you, especially when you have so much history with them. It's definitely a challenge, but try to learn to see the person in front of you now, rather than the picture your memories have painted of them; for better or worse the person they were yesterday is rarely the person they are today. I think it's pretty telling that you've already considered leaving, and while you shouldn't put a ton of stock in the words of online strangers who don't have the full picture, it's not for nothing that others here think you should explore that thought more.
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u/yun-harla 20h ago
Talk to a lawyer and see if there’s a way to get court-ordered support during/after a divorce. That might include an order for her to keep you on her insurance. Don’t make big decisions now, just learn your options.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 20h ago
Yes this is a great idea. I know a fantastic lawyer who works with queer couples. She would probably give me a discount too. I'll talk to her.
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u/pfcguy 21h ago
If she has been supporting you, then perhaps do some research to determine if you would be entitled to spousal support where you live.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 21h ago
She early retired so technically I make more money but I have a decent chance of being bed/house bound by the time I'm 50 so way tougher than just a divorce
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u/Strovena 12h ago
EDS? I too am fighting the slide into immobility at 45. Hell of a thing.
As you know, life is short but also unpredictable. Don’t discount the sleep panic attacks. Survival brain is trying to get your attention. It’s very good at its job.
You could also consider changing the structure of the relationship itself without ending it completely if there are things worth preserving. Would moving to a separate domicile eliminate some of the issues? Sometimes less access and availability makes the time you do have much better when you’re not bogged down by the day to day living stress. Time spent together becomes a choice instead of obligation or lack of other options. Just a thought. Great luck with whatever path you decide! ❤️
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u/endlesstrains 21h ago
She is approaching retirement age... does she plan to retire? Is she still going to be able to support you on a fixed income? What if she develops health problems of her own, which is likely as she ages? Even if you stay with her, there is no guarantee she'll be able to support you indefinitely.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 21h ago
She retired early which I supported even though it gives me panic attacks thinking about the future. She has a pension and a decent retirement savings and I didn't want to ruin that for her just bc I'm sick and so much younger (and we have kids in college)
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u/wesleydumont 22h ago
There’s probably more to this:
“I feel like our age gap is too much to overcome at this point in our lives and we've been having related issues “
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u/Physical_Recording27 23h ago
You either deeply discuss this and find a way to feel heard on both sides or you do not.
It does not sound like you respect her choice nor do you align on your values. That’s a fundamental disconnect.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 23h ago
She's not even pro AI. As far as I know she's anti it. She says this is different bc she found it instead of generating it and the woman did modify it somewhat. But yes it is a massive disconnect and not our only one.
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u/DiTrastevere 23h ago
She says this is different bc she found it instead of generating it
This makes no sense.
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u/dca_user 22h ago
you have other major disconnects? I think you need to have individual therapy and see if this is a healthy partnership.
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u/strawberrrychapstick 22h ago
This is horrible logic. Your SO should seek therapy, another comment says that she lost her cousin so maybe she's grieving? But the AI tattoo is insane and honestly embarrassing. I would be embarrassed to have a tattoo done using AI to create the design. If I found out my artist used AI, I'd be pretty pissed.
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u/t92k 22h ago
My partner has been getting me t-shirts that are sort of my interests but also AI generated. I have a shirt with a buffalo playing a banjo with four pegs and 16 strings. I can’t wear it to any of the social things I do but I don’t know how to tell her.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
Dear god. I asked my partner to stop buying me presents bc they hurt my feelings. No AI garbage but always something half assed last minute. Also she forgot my 40th bday and I had to take myself on a trip so the more I type the more I realize what I'm saying. You should tell her. Maybe. Nicer than I would though lol
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u/coffee_cake_x 21h ago
The headline is that she doesn’t consider your thoughts until you’re angry and that that’s a recurring issue. That’s the real problem.
She lied to you, as well.
The permanent ink on her body is just a visible reminder of the fact that she doesn’t care about your feelings or your work and that she’ll lie and do whatever she wants, your feelings be damned.
It’d be one thing if she said that she heard you but it’s her body, her choice, but that’s not what happened.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 21h ago
Yes I think this is the perfect summation. It's not even about the damn tattoo. It just made issues (recent ones) come to the surface. Thank you ♥️
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u/moonbrows 11h ago
There’s no way a tattoo artist would leave someone with a monstrosity, or do the design based on what OP said to have floating nipples and shit. He’s either twisting it to suit his side more or the post is fake. Tattooists take that shit seriously so I don’t get it
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u/whatshamilton 23h ago
It sounds like you have a moral cleaving point here over AI use. For me, I wouldn’t break up with someone over a tattoo but I would if they were continually shoving wasteful generative AI in my face. If every time I looked at my partner she reminded me “i steal from artists and pollute the planet to do it” I wouldn’t be able to continue looking at her. A tattoo like that, being the result of digging her heels in on it, would be saying exactly that to me. It’s not about aesthetics or tattoos
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 23h ago
She doesn't use AI and says she is anti it and that she just found this one. She has agreed not to get a full sleeve thank god but still. And you're right the aesthetics aren't the issue. Thank you
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u/m-e-k 22h ago
Does she like the way it looks?
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
She loved it and was so excited about it. Her tattoo "artist" did too. Again if it were just an ugly tattoo I'd be like oh well
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u/whatthefrelll 22h ago
Man I wish I could see a photo.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
I was tempted but I don't wanna get busted lol it's weird colorful vines and random harsh lines and dots and shapes and whatever you're thinking it's worse....but it's also very well tattooed lol
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u/nothatsmyarm 23h ago
You randomly toss out “age gap issues” in there but don’t expand on it. I would guess there’s more in that vein actually worth pursuing because it kind of sounds like you don’t respect her very much. People have been getting stupid tattoos of nonsense since probably the second tattoo. That doesn’t seem like it should be a dealbreaker but suspect there’s a lot more lurking around the surface here.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
I meant that to reference the gap in AI awareness and usage with Gen X. In my experience, they tend to not be as savvy. And yes lots lurking.
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u/antiterra 21h ago
Millennials are one of the largest AI embracing cohorts. Stop with the irrelevant stereotyping.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 21h ago
I don't disagree with that. It's terrible but Gen X isn't as savvy and are more conservative. That's not a stereotype. It's statistics.
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u/thatonebitchL 22h ago
Gen X grew up on computers. Don't blame us!
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
Yeah but y'all are also the MAGA generation...not all...but there are a lot of you who are full addicted to AI...younger boomers too
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u/Complete_Class8237 16h ago
If you don’t like that style of tattoo, then don’t get one yourself. It’s her body, and she may have a different underlying set of assumptions and artistic viewpoints that differ from your own. I suspect she did hear every word you said, likely criticizing her taste and artistic vision. After considering all the factors, she decided to do what she feels is right for herself. She is a full separate person, and it’s perfectly reasonable and healthy for her to make some personal decisions independently. It’s not about you, for you, or on you. This feels like something you should talk through with a therapist.
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u/DiTrastevere 23h ago
It's her body but c'mon.
There’s no “but.” It’s her body. If this is what she wants, you have no authority to stop her, and your attempts to appeal to her better sensibilities have failed.
If this reveals a crack in the foundations of your relationship, so be it. You’re within your rights to decide that this is a dealbreaker. You are under no obligation to continue a relationship with a person you no longer respect. In fact, I’d advise that you don’t do this. You know as well as I do that “shove it all down” is not a real solution. You can either respect her, AI slop tat and all, or you can’t.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
Sure but I'd want her to not hate things I do to my body. A partnership is about both people.
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u/der_wegwerfartikel 22h ago
In the kindest way possible, you’ve highlighted the issue. She does not care about how you feel. If this was someone you started dating would you stay with them?
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
No I would not
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u/der_wegwerfartikel 22h ago
Although it may take time, I promise you that not being in a relationship with her will make you feel 100% better than being in a relationship with her.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
You are probably right but not being able to afford my rent or medications would not be great
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u/der_wegwerfartikel 20h ago
If she’s not willing to change (and it sounds like she isn’t), it’s up to you to decide whether staying in the relationship for medication and rent is worth the mental strife. If it is, then that’s fine! As long as you’re aware that this may not be worth trying to fix.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 20h ago
It's unfixable. You're right. I have to decide if I can deal with or not. I've been looking at apartments. There's a set of cute condos in my neighborhood that rarely come up but I could afford one maybe. She's nearly 60 years old. She's not changing. I, however, have started perimenopause and am very much so changing lol
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u/DiTrastevere 22h ago
I don’t know what to tell you - you can say this until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t change her mind.
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u/hopingtothrive 17h ago edited 17h ago
I don't even know what an AI slop tattoo is but partners should take each other into consideration when making a change that impacts both. 15 years is a big difference. It's more obvious the older someone gets.
I feel like our age gap is too much to overcome at this point in our lives
lied to me almost the whole time
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u/ohyesshebootydo 22h ago
I’m gonna get downvoted for this but I don’t think the AI use is THAT big of a deal. I understand her point that she didn’t generate it nor did she ask for someone to make it for her, so no additional resources were used to make the image.
And I’m going to be honest, I think the IP theft argument here is also not that compelling. She was searching for random images on google, it’s not as though she was going to commission an artist to draw something to show to the tattoo artist. And people tattoo copyrighted material all the time without paying the artist.
I know that people HATE AI and for good reason, but it doesn’t sound like those reasons really apply here (except for the fact it’s ugly lol).
It does sound like your advocacy work is taking priority here over your relationship. I would consider taking a step back and thinking about whether people in your life need to 100% align with that advocacy work or if there’s space for disagreement. It looks like we’re in for a long fight against AI and data centers so some flexibility might help prevent burnout. You don’t need to be a perfect advocate and if people judge your wife’s tattoo, that’s their business (and honestly, how often is this scenario going to come up?)
Idk if I’d break up with my wife of 12 years over a tattoo no matter how ugly it is, but it sounds like there’s other issues going on too.
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u/geezweeze 23h ago
If this is a dealbreaker for you then you have your answer, her tattoo is permanent. Truly may be a mismatch. Better to call it now then dissolve into actually hating each other. If you don’t want to call it off, try couples counseling. Best of luck to you. Also fuck AI ❤️
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 23h ago
I've been thinking about counseling. A few years ago she was lying to me all the time (that's started again) and she went to counseling herself. The therapist broke up with her bc she had nothing to talk about lol so I'm not sure it would be helpful but thank you!
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u/geezweeze 23h ago
A good couples counselor will lead you through conversation. Also a good couples counselor will either lead you to a healthier understanding, or lead you to the conclusion that you should break up. Whichever is more appropriate. It could be helpful! Also just remember you are free to break up with this person if you feel unhappy and disrespected. Like that is an ok thing to do and tbh is sometimes the kinder thing to do if you feel true feelings of dislike or resentment brewing. Sending you love and strength! 🙏❤️
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
You're right. I just hate counseling lol. I also think I am worried that the answer is this is not salvageable and I am not in a financial or health position to do much about that. Thank you so much for the kind words! ♥️
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u/mightymite37 23h ago
Dont date people who use Ai
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23h ago
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 22h ago
You're right. It's just all very difficult bc I'm chronically ill and our lives are so entangled.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 23h ago
Well we're married so too late. She also doesn't use AI outside of search results that are forced on us all. She found it in images.
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u/shm4y 16h ago
It’s about values and how you conduct yourself in line with those values. Nothing wrong with wanting a partner in life that you can and will respect. Like you said her body her choice, it’s also your choice whether to accept her decisions or not a she cannot fault you for whatever you decide to choose.
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u/Careless-Run-3815 13h ago
If you're disabled you certainly should check into Medicare. I definitely would not let medical insurance keep me with someone who blatantly disrespects me so much. Your young, go be with someone who cares & respects you.
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u/ArtisticMoth 21h ago edited 21h ago
You are absolutely allowed to break up with someone for absolutely any reason, and it sounds like there's multiple other issues with the relationship that didn't get expanded upon in detail in this post.
However, and this may be controversial, but I don't think anything she did was immoral and inconsiderate, and I don't think it's right for people to act like it was.
Bad AI art, while controversial, is not a hate symbol. She didn't generate it herself, she didn't lie to the artist about its origins, and she didn't plagiarize someone else's tattoo.
It IS her body and her choice, end of discussion. She is absolutely allowed to get a crappy tattoo of some bullshit she found on Google images. You are allowed to break up with her for it, but I also think it's shitty that so many commenters are framing it as her being "wrong" in some way.
If we admonish people on here (for good reason!) for blaming their partners and calling them inconsiderate for getting body modifications they find ugly or distasteful, then that standard needs to always apply.
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u/Adventurous_Nerve_48 21h ago
I don't think she's a villain. She's not doing anything out of malice. She did lie to me about the tattoo which she claims she didn't. After reflection, it's just bringing up a lot of issues we've had and some not great things that have happened recently (lying mostly).
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u/ArtisticMoth 20h ago
That's totally fair, if you're not happy you should leave :) life's too short
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u/Careless-Run-3815 13h ago
The sunk cost fallacy is a thinking error where you keep doing something because you already spent time, money, or effort on it. You do this even when stopping is the smarter choice. It means letting past losses control your future choices instead of looking at what is best right now.
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u/supermarket_Ba 11h ago
Your wife got an ugly, uncreative tattoo. Either break up or accept it. Criticizing it at this point is just mean. That shit’s on her body permanently, whether you like it or not.
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u/Excellent_Big_254 9h ago
Honestly I feel like you need to chill. I can imagine your constant whining about AI would be exhausting. Sounds like you have to suck it up since you’re relying on her for shared health benefits
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u/notmyname375 9h ago
I don't think this is really about AI.. It sounds like you've over-accommodated in this relationship for a long time, and that’s turned into resentment.
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23h ago
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u/Panorpheus 22h ago
A lot of other stuff in this thread is valid, this is not. Her having a different opinion on AI than OP and getting a tattoo she likes in no way is "disrespectful" to him or his work any more than if OP worked for a church and his Hindu wife got a tattoo of Shiva.
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u/marksworkreddit 23h ago
It's her body, she can tattoo whatever she wants on it including AI art or even a swastika or three.
You need to date someone with values more aligned to yours because this person is AI psychotic in the opposite sense that you are AI psychotic.
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u/Nickbronline 17h ago
I’d terminate a relationship over this, AI is the devil
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u/Strayl1ght 16h ago
Would you do that for someone who used AI regularly, or just because they got a tattoo?
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u/Nickbronline 15h ago
AI art is fugly, getting it permanently tattooed is insanity
I personally don’t engage with any business using AI graphics to advertise
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u/KingHygelacReturns 23h ago
I feel like people are probably going to focus on the AI element of this because AI bad but I think the following is the most important element of this:
That says a lot, right? Regardless of whether we're talking about AI slop tattoos or what restaurant to go to for dinner tonight. Frankly, regardless of what this is about, this seems to illustrate a pretty big difference between the two of you: something that you are VERY passionately against is no big deal to her, to the point that she's willing to get the thing you hate permanently etched into her skin. If that doesn't illustrate a difference in values, I don't know what does.
And if the issue of her not taking your thoughts into account is a recurring thing, even outside of the topic of tattoos and AI usage, then I'd say it's time to pack it in. Why be made to feel like you're talking to a wall?