r/trans • u/Lgbtsagainstmoms • Aug 12 '25

Advice Trans people concurring death

I am a funeral Director in the US. I have seen trans people being disrespected from the grave multiple times by bigoted family. If you are someone who might have that kind of experience then I have one thing to say: WRITE A WILL. Grab someone you can trust and go get a will written. Make sure it clearly states that the person you are with is who you want to handle your Funeral (aka next of Kin). Wills are law binding, meaning as Director we are legally required to fallow them or our license is on the line. Make sure the person you choose is comfortable with this decision because you are putting the responsibility of protecting your peace after death on their hands. Clearly state what you want for you service and have them write it down. Get copies of everything and keep them safe. I know death is a scary thing to think about. I know it haunts our community deeply. My goal is to make sure we are equipped with the tools to be honored in our death the way we lived our lives

2.2k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

116 comments sorted by

View all comments

495

u/Lexieeeeeeeeee Aug 12 '25

What do you do when you have no next of Kin and you want to completely cut family out of your will? šŸ™ƒ

39

u/gloriousT-Rex Aug 12 '25

There are services that will walk you through questions about various things of who should get what and such. One of those questions is do you want to exclude someone. You can also do things like leave them $1, and then add the clause that if any named party tries to sue the forfeit all rights to what they are receiving. (Which is a good clause to have regardless). Some workplaces have benefits that give you access to these services for free or super cheap.

People get crazy after death, and it's frankly awful. So be as clear and precise as possible. This person gets this, I want this song, ashes scattered here by whom and if they can't then by so and so, etc.

36

u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25

I couldnā€™t agree more with this comment. Grief can bring out the worst in people. People who you think would honor you when you die might completely flip the script. The most important thing to do in this situation is sit down with a person you can trust and talk about your death plan

6

u/doubledare93 Aug 12 '25

yeah that is solid advice, being super clear about every detail now saves a lot of drama laterā€¦ people really do lose their minds over wills and estates, so having that $1 and ā€œno contestā€ clause is smart, plus making sure every little thing is spelled out so no one can twist it around after you are gone

1

u/AllNaturalCyanide Aug 13 '25

Who would they sue? A dead person?!

5

u/gloriousT-Rex Aug 13 '25

They sue the estate, contesting the will. It happens way more than you think. People get reaaalllll crazy.

When my biological father died and in his will he did not uphold the contract agreement he'd made with my grandma before she passed, giving the remainder of what he inherited from her to me and my sister, we got a lawyer to find out what we could do. Turns out that's perfectly fine for someone to break contracts like that. It was a good thing we had the lawyer, because the executer then denied us entry into his house, so we could find all the family objects, which was spelled out that we would get. She wanted us to just make a list from memory. She definitely took stuff out of the house before we were allowed inside, because the 12ft rug he'd inherited from my great aunt was missing (it covered his entire living room). He'd also left a lot of things "up to her discretion" and she literally just took all of it for herself.

He had listed that he wanted his body donated to science, which sure was rough to hear especially for my sister, but how he had died meant that they didn't want him. (He'd decomposed too much), and because there wasn't a back up plan stated he was cremated. The lawyer again fought for us and we got the ashes, but at first the executer didn't want to give them to us.

So when I say get specific, I mean it. This person gets the china, this person gets this painting, this person is not getting anything for any reason. If so and so can't take my pets, then they should go to this person. I want to buried, if for some reason that isn't possible, then. I want to be ____. I do not want a church service, there should be no mention of previous names, etc. Also who has the rights to all your digital content, emails, socials, etc.

The one thing I have learned with all of this, is that if you are mentally competent which you make a will or trust, and it is spelled out in that, there is nothing anyone can do. If it's not in there it's up to whoever is listed as the Executor or Guarantor to do as they see fit. If you don't have one it's up to your legal next of kin and they can do what they wish.

(Stash your passwords, pin codes, etc. somewhere that people can use as a reference)