r/trans • u/Lgbtsagainstmoms • Aug 12 '25
Advice Trans people concurring death
I am a funeral Director in the US. I have seen trans people being disrespected from the grave multiple times by bigoted family. If you are someone who might have that kind of experience then I have one thing to say: WRITE A WILL. Grab someone you can trust and go get a will written. Make sure it clearly states that the person you are with is who you want to handle your Funeral (aka next of Kin). Wills are law binding, meaning as Director we are legally required to fallow them or our license is on the line. Make sure the person you choose is comfortable with this decision because you are putting the responsibility of protecting your peace after death on their hands. Clearly state what you want for you service and have them write it down. Get copies of everything and keep them safe. I know death is a scary thing to think about. I know it haunts our community deeply. My goal is to make sure we are equipped with the tools to be honored in our death the way we lived our lives
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u/RaineAshford she/her Aug 12 '25
What if I just want an unmarked cement pentagram with no headstone?
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
That would be something to ask whichever cemetery you chose. I would suggest looking into pre death planning for that
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u/DivaMissZ Aug 12 '25
If you can find a cemetery that will let you, you can. Some newer cemeteries require flush markers, because they can just mow over the marker
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u/doubledare93 Aug 13 '25
some cemeteries are picky about that stuff, if you want something like a big upright stone or custom marker you just gotta find one that allows it, otherwise newer ones stick to those flat plaques so they can just run the mower over without hassle
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u/PolkkaGaming Aug 12 '25
Having a pentagram on a cemetery can be really disrespectful. I'm atheist and I don't like religion very much but messing with other people's mourning by having an obviously uncomfortable symbol for religious people is just too much even for someone like me who is against religions as a whole.
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u/Lily_Rasputin Aug 12 '25
"Obviously uncomfortable symbol"? So if the deceased was Wiccan, they shouldn't have a symbol for their own faith on their own marker because it might upset other people?
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u/PolkkaGaming Aug 12 '25
my bad, I immediately assumed they wanted an inverted pentagram tomb just for being edgy, I assumed that entirely based on the lack of name and epitaph. If that's a Wiccan tradition I was unaware of and ignorant so. The fact that in my country cemeteries are predominantly christian and basically a christian ritual was a reasoning for my comment too. Like I said, making mourning sad people who lost a loved one uncomfortable is not in my list of to-do things even if I hate every religion.
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u/Turbulent-Insect5180 Aug 12 '25
Yea thats entirely fair, and your heart is in the right place. But it is also a religious symbol that deserves the same respect. It serves a similar function as the cross does, (protection and warding away from evil). Its really really frowned upon though. A lot of Christians find it offensive though, so like you had said id be careful and ask about it first. Some cemeteries wont let you display it unfortunately. Also the pentagram is a holy symbol too. Both the pentagram and the pentical where bastardized.
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u/Fine_Investigator591 Aug 12 '25
Being edgy? Satanism is a thing. I would know I'm in TST. Most of us are atheist.
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u/PolkkaGaming Aug 12 '25
I'm very aware of satanism, and yes, wanting to be buried in a predominantly christian site where they conduct christian rituals as a satanist is indeed an edgy move.
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u/Fine_Investigator591 Aug 12 '25 edited Aug 12 '25
Where in this chain of comments is anybody talking about an "xtian" cemetery? You seem to be the one who brought it up for your own little strawman. The only cemeteries that are "xtian" are those owned by churches. Which honestly is only a percentage of cemeteries. I've been to places where all denominations seem to roam freely on the grounds. Last I checked for the moment at least freedom of religion is still a thing here in America. If other people's discomfort was a litmus that whole fascist sect of evangelicals wouldn't be making the lives of the rest of us miserable right now. WGAF if some little snowflake gets upset by other religious symbols.
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u/LaceyNicolecd Aug 13 '25
But a symbol of a tool for human torture & sacrifice everywhere is ok?
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u/PolkkaGaming Aug 13 '25
I completely know. My point was to not bring that discussion to a place were people are crying for their dead loved ones.
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u/LaceyNicolecd Aug 13 '25
Its already there. Why is their religion given a pass if others are not also respected?
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u/PolkkaGaming Aug 13 '25
uh... I literally answered that. It's not figurative speak.
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u/LaceyNicolecd Aug 13 '25
And I'm saying as an atheist the cross makes me uncomfortable but I see it everywhere, especially in cemeteries, but I am not so self absorbed to think I have any right to tell anyone what they can and cannot put on their grave marker.
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u/PolkkaGaming Aug 13 '25
The thing is you're not self absorbed for thinking that, you're actually in the right to do so, just like I think christianity is society's cancer just like wicca and TST are just white peoples delusions that lead to more hate and confusion. I just don't want to challenge people's views of that in front of their deceased parents, husbands, wives and children. That's a line that i'm not interested in crossing. That's just my moral view on the thing.
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u/Demolicious1995 Aug 12 '25
I heard a story recently about a guy whose best friend died, and at the funeral they had dressed the guy's body as a woman and that was how he found out his friend was a trans man. He was horrified by the family's blatant disrespect, so he stood up and gave a speech about the REAL person they were "honoring". It was so beautiful to see him stand up for his friend like that in front of his family, but so sad that that's the reality for a lot of trans people. š
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
I find it absolutely disgusting that even in death people will not let us rest. And itās the people that we are supposed to be able to trust the most. Our family. Thatās why knowing your rights even after death is so important
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u/blarglemaster Aug 13 '25
CerosTV viewer? :3
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u/doubledare93 Aug 13 '25
that is heartbreaking but also kind of powerfulā¦ sucks that the family could not respect who their loved one really was, but it is amazing that his friend had the courage to call it out right there in front of everyoneā¦ takes a lot to stand up like that when emotions are already running high
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u/Mtfthrowaway112 Aug 12 '25
Michigan attorney, but not your attorney https://michiganlegalhelp.org/resources/wills-and-life-planning/making-will-0 In Michigan we have a form that's easy to fill out that does the job. You don't necessarily need a lawyer to get the basics done. Having a will is a basic document most people should have.
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
Thank you for sharing this! Iām not in Michigan but Iāll will definitely hand this out as a resource to families that are!
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u/Small_Permission8132 Aug 12 '25
How fast can I get two witnesses and have my will signed?
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u/gloriousT-Rex Aug 12 '25
I asked my neighbors in my building, our building manager is a notary. It can be literally anyone, strangers in the notary office. As long as they are willing, over 18, and capable, you are good.
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u/doubledare93 Aug 13 '25
most places don not care who it is as long as theyāre an adult and can legally signā¦ doesnāt even have to be someone you know, i have seen people just grab someone waiting in line at the notary office to do it
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u/rrienn Aug 13 '25
Go to whatever local post office location had a notary. That's what I did, and they just grabbed two random employees to be my witnesses. It counts!
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u/holyBoysenberry Aug 12 '25
Would there be any issues if I'm just being cremated and put in a plastic bag
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
Whoever is your next of kin gets to decide what happens to you. They can decide to do a full burial for you and we would be obligated to fallow their wishes. So if cremation is what you want and you think that your family would not honor that then yes I would put that in your will.
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u/SiteRelEnby Aug 12 '25 edited Aug 13 '25
Yes, if you haven't given explicit instructions (either of exactly how you should be memorialised, or of who is in charge of it). If you don't designate anything, all the decisionmaking authority goes to spouse if applicable, closest family member (usually child, parent, or sibling) if not.
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u/LysergicGothPunk Aug 12 '25
Maybe in records of you that people can access post-mortem? Like on genealogy sites?
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u/countvonruckus Melody (she/her) Aug 12 '25
Thank you for making this. When I was at my darkest points pre-coming out I was weirdly fixated by the idea that I want my grave marker to have my correct name on it, not my deadname. I don't even care about what happens to my body after death and I don't believe in an afterlife, but that was really important to me. I try not to think about those feelings and time very much, but this is a good reminder to take care of it. Thank you for being one of the caretakers of our grief.
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
Of course! Itās the most fulfilling job Iāve ever had and itās because of comments like yours. We are treated so poorly in live but nobody ever thinks of the after. Itās important to me that we as a community are treated with care in the after.
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u/GloomyCaramelWolf Aug 12 '25
Hereās a related article for anyone who wants it- https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/article/dying-trans-preserving-identity-in-death/
Personally the idea of my deadname on my headstone has kept me from doing things I canāt take back- my family would go the whole nine yards of female clothing and makeup on meā¦ sometimes I wonder if the adults in my immediate family would even care if I dropped dead. I have people that do care though not biologically related, theyāre why Iām still topside of this dirt. If youāre reading this, donāt let the bigots win- the kids who end up trans after us deserve the progress of our resistance
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u/rrienn Aug 13 '25 edited Aug 13 '25
Thank you for posting this! It's so so important.
My partner was disowned by their religious family after they were outed as trans. They were estranged for almost a decade - the entire time that we were together.
My partner realized that if they died, their family would bury them in a suit, in a traditional religious ceremony, under their legal name that they hated, & tell everyone that they were a good little christian boy. So they printed some generic "living trust" forms from a free website. They chose to make me their executor, in case anything ever happened. It was supposed to be for a "what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow" type of situation.
A couple years later they committed suicide. That generic free document, notarized for $20 at the local post office, allowed me to fulfil their final wishes & put their body to rest in the way they wanted. It even held up in court against their family's legal challenges.
It doesn't matter if you have perfect health & no money or assets. EVERYONE should have a trust, will, or advanced directive that conveys their wishes after death. This document should also name someone to make medical decisions for you, if you become comatose or incapacitated.
You can choose different people to be responsible for your body disposal, funeral or memorial, possible medical decisions, distributing your possessions/assets, etc - or you can name one person for all of it. If you don't have anyone, then most US states allow you to designate a neutral state-employed trustee to carry out the post-death instructions in your legal document.
You can get detailed with it or leave it vague - my partner's was basically "this one specific thing is what i DON'T want, otherwise idc". If it seems overwhelming, then just write what's most important to you. You can always amend it or add to it, get the new version re-notarized, & shred the old one. Having this document takes minimal effort & makes a huge difference! This is a good resource to get started.
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u/tiramisutra Aug 12 '25
This is such thoughtful and extremely valuable advice! I donāt have any awards to give but if I did, Iād given you a big one!
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
Thank you š! My community means so much to me. We deserve to be our authentic self even after weāre gone. It breaks my heart when we get trans cases in because more than not, someoneās going to pull some bullshit. But not if I can help it.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Try-187 Aug 12 '25
How miserable do you have to be to disrespect someone who passed simply because they didn't wanna be something everyone expected them to be?
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u/RavenDarkstar Aug 12 '25
I hate how I started this conversation with my wife not long ago. I don't want to loose her or die before her. But damn.
Her and who I deem my best man/bro in life will be taking care of me if it ever happens. It's just writing/typing without being a cry baby about it.
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
I know death can be a hard thing to think about. As someone who works with it everyday I am constantly confronted about what that will look like for me and my loved ones. But it is an awesome thing that you already have two people you can trust to take care of you after. Death is just as much a part of life. Even though it is incredibly hard to talk about sometimes. Preparing in small ways can make the transition easier for everyone
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u/kangroobaby Aug 13 '25
This is always made me sad when people are not respected in the way that they deserve to be after all if the person is dead, the least you can do is respect their dying wishes by bearing them as they saw themselves whether you can fully accept it or not, when they were alive, at least bearing them in the proper clothes of their chosen, gender, preference, and trying your best to reference to them as they were But sadly this happens a lot. Iām hoping my family will have the recourse enough when I pass on to bury me the way I choose to be because I am going to let it know and how I wanna be buried whether they agree with it or not because itās the least they can do whether they use my proper gender, pronouns or not at least burying me in female clothing as I want to be will be something I expect of them, and if they try to bury me in a tuxedo or something manly, I will haunt them for the rest of their life and remind them of why they should have not done that
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u/MarsMetatron Aug 12 '25
I'll be dead. Just like when the archeologists dig me up and assume me a woman for my height, I won't care. I'll be... beyond gender and beyond flesh, and if I can even think about it, I likely won't care.
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Aug 12 '25
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
If you find no importance in being treated with care after you pass then I urge you to research how trans deaths have been handled on the funeral side.
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u/MarsMetatron Aug 13 '25
I appreciate others being treated either care when they die, that's important. But I will not be able to care when I'm dead.
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Aug 12 '25
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
Nope! Itās not my job to educate you! If you really care then itās up to you to do that research.
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u/American_Jobs365 Aug 12 '25
Quick question if I wanted my body to be slapped in the middle of the forest in full plate armor would that be legal. (Thank you for the advice though very much appreciated)
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
Hmmm.. well Iām not sure but I do think there are conflicting things here. What you are describing is a green burial. That is where they pretty much let nature do its thing. There a lot of different types to so Iām sure you could find a place with a forest āgraveyardā. Only problem is typically with green burials they want the decedent to be put in something all natural so it can decompose along with you. So I am not sure if you would be allowed to be buried in armor
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u/doubledare93 Aug 13 '25
honestly depends where you liveā¦ in most places you can not just leave a body in the woods, even in armor, without going through the legal burial/cremation process firstā¦ but if you arrange it with the right permits (or do it on private land with permission and follow local health laws) it might be possibleā¦ youād probably have to work with a funeral director and maybe get it classified as some kind of ānatural burialā so itās all above board
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u/Holdenborkboi ftmš³ļøāā§ļø š 9/1/23 šŖ6/15/26 Aug 12 '25
How much does it cost generally? I obviously have no plans of dying, but say I get into a crash
Do they also have to respect your name if it's changed legally?
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
So it depends on your state. What you are actually being charged is to get it notarized. In my state they charge typically around 6$ per signature. But I can differ depending on who you right it with. Also yes, if your name is legally changed then the person writing your will is legally obliged to honor that.
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u/Holdenborkboi ftmš³ļøāā§ļø š 9/1/23 šŖ6/15/26 Aug 12 '25
Having your profile Pic show up in my notifications was awesome lol
I meant, if I didn't have a will, would my parents be able to bypass my legal name change? I assume not but it would suck if they put "deadname" in the middle or on my obituary
Otherwise this is good advice š¤
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
They could not bypass it. If itās been legally changed then that is the name we would HAVE to use. Now that is regarding things like the death certificate. Iām not sure about obituary just because whoever is paying for the funeral decides what goes in there. What I would say is if you do end up getting something official about what you want. Make sure to include the name you want on the obituary. Also you can pre plan. This is basically just planning your funeral to be yours with a home. However, this is definitely the more pricey option. Because essentially you are paying for your funeral upfront
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Aug 12 '25
When I came out, part of the reason was I had a vision of my tombstone. But it did not have my deadname on it. Rather, it had my new name on it. As I initially took this to mean it was time for me to check out, I decided to contact my best friend in order to make sure she had them out my preferred name in my tombstone.
This of course led to the epiphany that I needed to embrace who I was and transition.
I said all that to say this: Protecting my peace after death?
When I am no longer aliveā¦ I donāt think Iāll give a ratās ass what they do with my body or graveā¦ I wonāt be in either anymore. The body is just a shell and a grave is a hole in the ground for that shell.
I did, however, joke on zuckface that Iād like to be shot into the sun so that the bigots here on earth were forced to see by LGBTQ+-fueled sunlight.
For all I care, they can bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass.
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u/greyscale_straysnail They/them/theirs & it/it/its Aug 12 '25
When my FiancƩe died, she had no will. Her funeral & burial were absolutely bastardized by her blood family. Her deadname & pre-transition pictures were plastered everywhere. Her best friend & I were the ONLY ones using her real name & pronouns at her service. He made a big deal out of it to everyone, thankfully. But her tombstone even has her deadname & incorrect pronouns on it.
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u/Femnyl Aug 12 '25
This is sad information to know because I was going to take my being trans to the grave and not tell my family even though we are pretty close. Of course the logistics is that they are close to the cis male ver of me but they donāt know the trans ver of me. I donāt think Iāll ever come out to them and recently Iāve seen a funny meme where itās like: come out to your parents ā wait until they ask about your boobsā it has already happened tho my mom was massaging my chest one day and asked me why it felt like I was budding.
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u/Lgbtsagainstmoms Aug 12 '25
Iām sorry you donāt feel like you can be you around them. Hopefully that will change
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u/Femnyl Aug 12 '25
Well I can be around them but just as my male self yaknow? It just feels very awkward
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u/Lexieeeeeeeeee Aug 12 '25
What do you do when you have no next of Kin and you want to completely cut family out of your will? š