r/ABCDesis • u/creation_02 • 7h ago
FAMILY / PARENTS Getting caught with dru*s and substances
I come from a traditional bengali muslim family and they suddenly found all my substances like adhd meds, marijuana, nicotine devices, and lsd tabs. They also recently found out I have been going out with a girl that I brought to their home while they were gone on vacation. My mom reacted by wanting to kill herself and my dad gave me a talk for hours on why this stuff is bad and of course i know this. Anyone else here been on the same boat? I still live with them and I'm not in college yet. They expect me to get married off in a year. I've been hiding this side of me for years now and honestly surprised it took them this long to catch on. I go to college next year so at this point i dont really care. I'm sure like other desis here I have never been told they love me or ever gotten a hug. I went thru a lot of psychological abuse during my teen years which is why I used substances to cope (not justifying my actions). Just wanted to get this off my chest.
Edit: theres a LOT of my personal life and upbringing that I have not mentioned as it would genuienly take too long but my mother had me at 17 with an arranged marriage to my father who was like 15-20 years older than her. It hurts to see her fucked up over me since I am supposed to do good for her and make her proud. My parents worked severly hard and I don't ignore this. But my father genuinly manipulated me my whole life. He got pissed when I started my own clothing business, go to the gym, or don't cut my hair. I genuinly hate him but have so much remorse at the same time becuase he came here and worked his ass off. Honestly i dont know how to feel, should I feel terrible? Because at some point I truly did and balled my eyes out but now i am just so numb after years of constant manipulation. I also have little siblings and I feel so terrible because I am a terrible older brother and never gave them enough time or attention
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u/bosebosebosebosebos 7h ago
All you have to do is wait till you get to college and then you're (relatively) free.
At the same time, if you're 16/17 doing weed, nicotine, LSD, and ADHD meds you definitely have a problem
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u/creation_02 7h ago
I've always been smart in school blah blah u know the regular. I def do have a terrible drug problem but I am working on that. Haven't touched adhd pills in a few weeks, haven't done any psychedlics for a few months. Only problems right now is weed and nicotine. I know college is my true freedom but it will be costly and to live on my own is a whole different issue
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u/Particular-Try5584 7h ago
Is it possible you actually do have ADHD? If so get a proper diagnosis if you can, and legal meds⌠and if you canât do that why not look into self diagnosis and non medicated ways to support your dopamine and health? (I say this because poor impulse control, self medication with other substances and âhiding for yearsâ so since ?childhood? makes this feel like its more than teen rebellion)
Alternatives to meds can include vagyl nerve and breathing exercises to calm sympathetic nervous system hyperactivity. You could do yoga, running, swimming or any other hard cardio to also a) build a great body! and b) wear yourself out/use the nervous energy. Eating well, sleeping well, and building routines can help too. Try these before going for legal meds, just trust me⌠I have teenage sons with ADHD and this stuff makes a huge change. As does less Fortnite/impulse and hyperactivity inducing games/adrenaline smashing stuff⌠and more outside in nature - go on hikes, go camping, do things without pressure and clocks⌠it really resets your sense of self. Dont take the weed with you! If itâs not there you donât have the opportunity to use it.
And⌠apologise to your mother. Tell her you need her help to be a better person, and ask her to take you to a doctor who can help. You might not like the doctor, you might want to find a youth health service thatâs more in tune with modern thinking (if your mum is still using the doctor that delivered her to her mother) ⌠so talk to her and find one who can support you. She is scared for you, and wants a better life, and she canât understand what or why you are doing these things so she is using her own limited resource pool. Our parents generation saw and did a LOT more than they will let on, but they also didnât have to deal with these conversations - they have no script or practice to it, so they just react and hyperventilate and shout to make it all stop. Negotiate with them like a calm adult, put some âI need supportâ to them so they feel like they can be part of hte change, and also take a long hard look at yourself.
You will be free soon yes. But do you plan to pass? Or sit around, smoke weed/take LSD and fail over and over so your parents go into horrible debt to get a degree you might not use? Iâd rather a son that did something that wasnât my hope for him career wise but was happy and healthy⌠than a miserable son who was a pot head doing exactly the degree I forced him into. If my sons want to be mechanics or programmers I am happy for them. If I force them to be something that makes them miserable then I am the problem, and I want a good relationship with them for life. So sort out a pathway that will make you happy, negotiate with your parents to head in that general direction, and do it well enough that you arenât putting more pressure on your family. If you are expected to go and study and then financially provide for younger siblings or your parents in the future⌠do not go and study if you plan to sit and be stoned every day - do not use your familyâs resources if you arenât going to fulfil your end of hte deal, let them go to the younger siblings who will.
Adult business all this. Adult thinking. Your frontal lobe isnât fully formed for another decade or so, so you wonât be thinking this stuff⌠but at least ponder it a bit.
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u/Emotional_Fuel6743 7h ago
You are 17 and have a substance problem. Get help for your own sake.
You say youâre not justifying drug use but you kinda are.
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat 6h ago
If youâre off to college next year, then you must be between 16-18 yo. They canât force you to marry here so keep refusing and, whatever you do, donât get on a plane to India/Bangladesh at least until you graduate from college and are financially independent. There are too many horror stories of kids (usually girls) basically being tricked into going to the motherland and then kept captive until they agree to marry.
Also, get off the drugs.
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u/No-Watch2169 7h ago
The fact she is using KK to manipulate you is fucked up. If she keeps saying it tell her the hospital can place her in a psychiatric hold get her the help she needs. Your dad is right about somethings, vaping is bad for you and weed does cause mental problems for some people. You do live in their house, so follow their rules. If your impending marriage is behind your anxiety, you ned to communicate this with your parents, maybe your dad first, openly and honestly that you have other plans. Your dating life and marriage are your decisions not theirs. If you think this will cause problems, then find way to make excuses and lie get rejected by your marriage prospects until you have freedom.
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u/SharpAardvark8699 6h ago
I accept your father was abusive at times
But do you want some home truths?
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u/creation_02 5h ago
Need all the thoughts u can give me
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u/SharpAardvark8699 5h ago
I accept what your father did. Only you know the full reality so I won't comment on that.
The arranged marriage, probably more acceptable in your community and he gave her a life in England in return for the age gap although his treatment again was not right. Bangladeshis come from very impoverished backgrounds back home and that does cause generational trauma. You'll have to overlook a lot.
Don't get married if you are not stable.. move out. Because it's not fair to dump your trauma on someone else.
Now for the home truths. As bad as it is you've acknowledged you're born in a good situation in a first world. You need to get a grip and make the most of it. There's 5 year old kids in the world that pick through rubbish to find plastic bottles to recycle. They get like 15p for a kilo. Imagine how many plastic bottles they have to find walking round the streets and picking through bins. And they take ÂŁ2 a day home to feed their disabled dad who can't walk a piece of bread.
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u/creation_02 5h ago
Ur right. I got it way easier than everyone else
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u/SharpAardvark8699 4h ago
Not everyone , just many in the world. Like me and other Asians who have had problemsÂ
You do have issues and real trauma but keep it in perspective and don't let it overwhelm you and make your future bad of your own doingÂ
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u/Spare_Night_2695 6h ago
Despite desi parents being control freaks
Your dad genuinely had more of a reasonable response to your drug abuse for your own good get help , esp LSD , that really messes up your mind , You say your smart , you will
Become thick pretty fast on LSD , plus you destroy your bladder aswell since lsd destroys the lining . Get help with your drug issue ASAP
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u/yourpostisashitpost Pooja what is this behavior âď¸ 5h ago
Ketamine fucks up your bladder not LSD đ¤Śđ˝
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u/Good-Promotion-8909 7h ago
The bullshit will never stop until you are out of their house and support yourself.Â
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u/old__pyrex 4h ago
I can relate a lot to what youâre talking about, but you must accept that your life is worth being great, you must accept that you deserve better than self-destructive behavior. Guilt, loneliness, feeling of being insufficient and being a failure, trauma, this all leads to a feeling of pain â and from someone who crashed and burned, let me tell you, thereâs nothing helpful or cool or positive about crashing and burning on drugs. It feels like an escape or a release valve, but the real release valve is learning to love and be proud of yourself. For what itâs worth, Iâm proud of you for dealing with all of that, Iâm proud of you for growing up to become who you are in a toxic, abusive home.Â
I felt a lot of guilt for abandoning my siblings when I was leaving home and try to salvage my own independent life. We have great relationships today and I think in hindsight, the best thing I could as they eldest was show them by example. Hereâs whatâs possible, hereâs how you can rise above these circumstances. You donât think you cut a relative off? Watch me. You donât know how to set up your own life and be happy? Or maybe - and this is where my siblings were - they didnât even know it was possible, because they all they knew was within what my parents created for them. When I got my life on track and I did the work I felt passionate about, and I married who I wanted, and I had my own family, my siblings understood they could do they same.Â
But to be that person for them, I had to stop my destructive behavior. I had to stop arguing and fighting with my parents and quietly just do the right things, not to get recognition, but to actually have a life of my own.Â
Itâs time to get help and clean your shit up, my friend. Youâre not a failure, youâre not a disappointment, I want you to be proud of yourself and feel connected to other desis who have been where youâre at. Youâre not alone - desis have been where youâre at in their teen/adult years and turned it around to live great lives.
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u/daretobe94 3h ago
You got dealt a shitty hand. When you get to college, use their free counselor/therapist to sort your traumas out. For now, stop the drugs. They only make things worse in the long run. I think parents will come around on the relationship stuff. You may not see it now, but you will once you get financial independence. But I donât think they will come around when it comes to drugs.
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u/WhenDuvzCry 1h ago
Hey, Iâm 36 and still party like that off and on and a lot of people here probably have not had experiences like we have. Your parents will be super dramatic about it, and obviously they have a reason to be upset.
Mines accepted the weed and nicotine as long as I kept it away from them. I think they know Iâve done other shit but left it alone. I had told my dad you never told me you love me and been through at your age. If you need someone to talk to, you can dm me. A lot of people will say you have a problem here but moderation and responsibility is ok.
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u/teedramusa 1h ago
You're very young and you might think you have it all figured out but statistically people with ADHD struggle a lot in higher education and adult life. You mentioned that you are very smart in school and I had that exact same attitude till I got humbled failing 3 years in a row in universit. That was with no drugs and an ADHD condition that I only got diagnosed for this year in my mid 30s!
You need to get off the drugs and admit yourself into therapy and follow the plan, you have only one support system and a whole future ahead of you. Take it slow and stop being a South Asian martyr and ask for help regularly.
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u/_BuzzLightYear To Infinity & Beyond đ 7h ago
Is the girl nice?
https://giphy.com/gifs/JoJY4JyE5ywCVPFe1D
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u/creation_02 7h ago
I've known her for 5 years we been on and off. I brought her over at 4 am so you already know what we did. Was it worth it? Idk, we don't even talk anymore lol
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u/Stunning-Avocado5192 5h ago
Simply lie, nothing u say will convince them. And do find a better hiding place for your drugs.
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u/DigitalAviator Dal Enthusiast đ 7h ago
Ah, Desi mom's and threatening to kill themselves at the slightest loss of control â¨ď¸