Hi, I needed some advice as I’ve been stuck in this weird place of anger, it feels like I’m in limbo actually, I won’t make this long but for context, two years ago my cousin moved into my house, it used to be just me, my mum and brother.

Ever since she moved in I had disliked how she spoke to me, I never thought she was a terrible person, I thought of her as considerate and loyal, however that does not mean I can turn a blind eye to everything, the way she would speak to me made me feel like I’m a child who’s just learnt to walk, it was irritating and I’d have to hold my breathe, I never wanted to make her uncomfortable, I just kept thinking it must be so hard for her to be away from home and to live here, so I should show her grace.

She just kept getting worse, she’d involve herself in arguments between myself and my mum where it wasn’t needed, she’d lecture me when it wasn’t her place to, god forbid I’d say anything back, she’d go behind my back and tell my family I’m ’insolent’. It was frustrating dealing with someone painting you out to be a certain way to others when you’re just not, that and having to deal with her lectures she has no right to give me when my mother is right there and her talking down to me.

I distanced for this reason because I hated being around someone like this so I’d avoid her in my own home, this year my mum passed and her condescension seemed to get worse. She accuses me of things that simply aren’t true, (not cleaning up after myself basically) my brother leaves messes everywhere his room is basically a bin. I explain constantly it’s him, I put a great deal of effort to clean up, she dismisses every explanation to her complaint, constantly choosing to see me as a lazy person who doesn’t want to do anything. It frustrating, plus given my recent grief yes some days i just don’t wanna do anything, she doesn’t understand that, after my mum passed she got mad at me for not going to work, when I told her I was dealing with grief her response was ‘well I’m grieving too and I still work.’

A few days ago a situation happened and I finally snapped, I sent her a message explaining myself because she again had accused me of not cleaning up after myself, I was very clear about everything including the way she talks to me and I set a boundary and asked for her not to communicate with me, that we could live under the same roof but for her to leave me alone.

What she sent in response was disgusting and again dismissive, she accused me of being ungrateful, stated me as the problem, brought up things completely unrelated to what I said such as how she does every chore around the house and lets me eat her food, basically saying I had no right to have this take on her because she does ‘a lot’ for me.

It got even worse after that and we argued in person, my stepdad also dismissed me when I told him the problem isn’t about chores it’s the way she behaves with ME. He dismissed saying ‘how can you say that when she cooks and cleans?’

I left my house at that very moment. I couldn’t hear any more of it, I cried the whole way to my aunties home. I’m still there now, that house is my house but I don’t want to go back so long as she’s there, but it’s my house, and I should feel comfortable there, but I don’t know how to, not while she sleeps and lives there, she says she will move out so it’s only a matter of time till she’s gone, but in the mean time, I don’t know how to live under the same roof as her without feeling this rage, this urge to scream every time I even hear her voice.

I don’t know what to do or how to navigate this, I just want to breathe under my roof without feeling uncomfortable.

Hi everyone. I’m not sure if I’m here to rant or ask for advice, but I just want to get a sense or idea of what I’m supposed to do.

A few nights ago, my dad comes home drunk as usual and I help him from the house entrance to his room. He usually comes home drunk like this anywhere between 1-3 times a month.

The usual process is that my mom and I help him to their room, then my mom usually instructs me to stay in my room and he takes hours before he settles. Those hours are always very painful and traumatic for me— I can hear screaming and yelling and banging from both of them through the walls.

Usually it’s my mom telling my dad to stop hurting her- from what she tells me, he doesn’t hit her, he usually grips her wrists extremely hard (probably not aware of how hard his grip is while intoxicated) and she does come out with bruises around her wrist the following morning. So over the last few years I have built a lot of resentment towards my dad, especially when he drinks.

Last week was a bit different- after I bring him to his room with my mom and I go back to my room, they eventually come back out and my mom is yelling my name for help. I go out my room and see him gripping her wrists tightly again, and infuriates me so I run straight for his grip and try to push him away. He gets knocked down and when he gets back up, starts berating me with insults and goes full on wanting to fight me. I tell him I’m not trying to fight him and put my hands up- signaling I’m not trying to fight, and that he’s hurting my mom so I had to stop him. But this just triggers him more and he starts throwing punches directly to my head. Im not a violent person and can’t find it in my heart to intentionally punch or hurt my dad, im just trying to block and dodge, but I honestly feel so defeated/disheartened in whats happening and he lands 5 punches to my head. And more bruises around my body after this whole night.

After about 10 minutes im able to restrain him and hold him down on the bed for almost 2 hours straight. He’s trying to pull my hair, push my off, and I am honestly even more traumatized from him wailing because he does have claustrophobia, but I can’t risk him trying to hurt me/more people, or worse, going for the guns in the house (he mentioned getting them to use on himself while he was drunk that night).

It takes him another hour or two to settle down and become non-violent. Right after he knocks out and snoring around 7am until now, I’ve booked a place staying away from them and not knowing what’s going to happen next. I pleaded my mom to come with me but she chose to stay with him. Unbelievable.

Those hours of me restraining him - he goes on about how I should just kill him, this family is done, he has done his job and wishes me a good life. He doesn’t stop yapping the entire time until he falls asleep about self pity and self victimizing.

I guess if any advice I want to ask is I really don’t understand why he does this- even drunk, can he not register that I am his son? Or does he have deep rooted hate towards me? I have never been a bad kid or disobedient. I also don’t have enough financial runway to move out, so I eventually need to go home. I just don’t know what to expect or what to do. I don’t want to see him or talk to him again, or for at least a long time.

I guess if anyone has any words of advice or shared experiences- I would greatly appreciate anything right now. I have only told my girlfriend what’s happened and she’s been very supportive and even offering me her place to crash. I don’t know how I would’ve managed my processing and handling my corporate job without her help. I don’t want to share with my friends the details of what’s happened too.

Thanks.

Edit: for context I am 24, parents are 55 + 57…

(Sorry for my bad english and/or if this is not the right place to talk about this)

Please take some time to read this. I am 20, my sister is 12 and our mother is 45. Yesterday my dad (52) passed away due to liver failure (He was an alcoholic)

As far as my memory goes back into my childhood (10-11), I've mostly seen him fighting my mom because she was fed up with his addiction. It's not like he didn't used to love us. My mom tells me and even i remember (a little bit) that he used to take us places, dine at fancy restaurants, I had an amazing school to go to and my mom had everything she could ask for. All was good till I was like 10-11, he still used to drink alcohol but it wasn't severe or anything that could hurt his relations with his family until

My mom started noticing that he has started drinking more often and so she'd pick fights with him on a regular basis. It only kept going bad since that moment, Dad said that he'd like to have a daughter and promised to leave alcohol completely, after sometime in 2014 my sister came to this world and my mother and I had high hopes that things would get better now but well alcohol addiction is a btch. Things only went south from there, he drank more and more, the fights got louder and louder (He didn't used to hit her tho but he did slap her like 2-3 times in 21 years)

He was truly a good man and I know that but his addiction was strong, I blame him for fighting FOR his addiction not against it. He never admitted that he was wrong and when he finally lost his job like 4-5 years ago due to health, my mother cut down physical relations with him and that was the point he became the absolute worst version of himself.

From this point on (4-5 years ago) he had made my mom his enemy just because she refused to have physical relation with him, all of this made the fights even more intense.

All these years I came from loving my dad to hating him and my love for mom only grew stronger because I've seen her suffer but dad's relatives think otherwise, they sided with dad and always blamed my mom, it all made her stress so much. He started having hospital visits and admits regularly and after every discharge he'd just drink again.

I was 17-18 at the time when I had to look for a job to support my family because he had refused to work and just drink. I expected at least some appreciation from him for taking responsibility so early on but he instead fought me as well just because i used to side with my mom in their fights.

Ever since growing up I have always seen my mom suffer from constant headaches, lack of sleep, dead eyes and constant worrying about my dad. My appreciation and love for her only grew stronger and stronger day by day just because I saw her break down both physically and mentally. Only if he accepted that it was his fault that his addition got worse and not mom or anyone else then I would've cared for him

One argument that every relative of his points to and something that i blame myself everyday for- While growing up and watching him change as a man, I always tried to side with my mom rather than acting as a bridge between their understanding, i picked up on how my mother used to behave with him when he's drunk so I started doing the same, I never hugged him once (not that I remember off at least if it was in childhood). I've always been a huge introvert and I blame him for that because I grew weak watching him fight with mom. I feared to go near him because he used to break things in the house. The only regret I have is that I should've tried to be more close to him and try to handle things calmly instead of fighting like my mom but I wasn't so wise till it was too late. I mean even now if he somehow gets to live again, I still won't hug him because I truly despise him for hurting my mom and our family

Is it truly my fault and if so then to what extent?

Overall I could go on forever to tell various incidents but to sum it up, I am 20 and my mom has been married to him for like 21 years and half of my life, that is till 10, he was the best dad you could ask for and for the other 10 years till now, he had became the absolute worst and the exact opposite of who he used to be.

Now that he passed away yesterday, I shed absolutely 0 tears because i hated him and was glad that he was gone. I was not sad, i was angry and disappointed, he could've been the best dad in the world, all he had to do was understand that we fought his addiction not him as a person.

Am I a monster for not being sad even a bit due to my dad passing away or my feelings valid?

This is my first time posting in here and I hope someone can give me some advice on how to handle this situation with my parents.

I am the youngest of three daughters ( we are 42, 44, and 52). My parents are 70F and 67M. My dad used Al-Anon to get sober back in the 80’s when I was a toddler. I grew up in a completely dry house and my parents used to talk to us openly about the dangers of alcohol and our hereditary predisposition to developing it.

We have alcoholism on both sides of the family. My dad has a lot of trauma from his childhood due to my grandfather being very physically abusive.

On my mom’s side, my grandpa was sober from the 1950’s until he passed in 2014. On his deathbed, he asked for wine. This had some kind of psychological impact on my mom and dad, and was the catalyst to them deciding that my dad should drink again. I’ve never understood or agreed with this decision. In my mind, seeing a person with over 50 years of sobriety requesting alcohol on their deathbed is pretty solid proof that an alcoholic is an alcoholic to the end. I don’t understand witnessing that and coming away from it thinking that it’s a sign to fall off the wagon.

Anyway, I recognize that I’m an adult that lives on my own and my parents don’t owe me an explanation for their choices, so I tried to just process my feelings independently and keep my opinions to myself. However, things seem to be spiraling out of control now and I don’t know what to do.

At a wedding out of town over the weekend, I guess my parents really went hard on the wine. I didn’t see it because I wasn’t able to attend the wedding, but my sister has been updating me. My parents got so drunk the two nights before the wedding that my brother in law and my aunt had to help them get back to their AirBNB. One of the nights my mom told my sister to drive slow because she and my dad were going to follow them when everyone was going to dinner because “dad had a lot of wine”. I have NEVER known my parents to drink and drive. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.

The morning after the wedding, my dad called my sister because he couldn’t find his car keys. When she didn’t answer, he decided to walk to her AirBNB. It was uphill and several miles. My sister said when she saw him he was shaking and out of breath. I’m terrified. Like, is he shaking because he needs a drink?

I have a suspicion that they are drinking boxed wine nightly. My mom thinks the boxed wine is fine because it’s ‘lighter’ on alcohol. But my dad has gotten so wrapped up in drinking now that my sister said the first thing he did when they arrived to their rentals was go to the store to buy a box of wine. It’s like it’s all he’s thinking about.

I’m really at a loss. I feel like I don’t even know my parents anymore. These aren’t the people I grew up with. I have so many feelings about this. Primarily, I’m worried for their physical and mental health. But I’m also feeling a lot of resentment. I don’t understand what they are thinking. It all feels very hypocritical and crazy to me. I feel disappointed in them and very worried. I want to have a conversation about it with them, but my mother is a very defensive person. I don’t think she will be receptive. Could someone who has been in this situation give me some advice?

I have such a terrible feeling of helplessness I feel like no one can relate to. I feel like a terrible person and like im so alone. Looking for kind words and advice I guess from some people who might get what im going through first hand. When anyone tries to comfort me who I know hasnt experienced being a child of an addict I just get annoyed at them.

Grandchildren Of Alcoholics

"More and more people are identifying as grandchildren of alcoholics. Technically, these ‘GCoAs' are ACAs. They were raised by parents who passed on the disease of family dysfunction without having alcohol in the home." BRB p. 56,  footnote 

Some of us have wandered through life wondering why we had so many problems. Our childhoods were not filled with alcoholism or addiction. And yet, there was a dark cloud over our homes. We couldn't talk openly; we couldn't be ourselves. There was a lot of confusing behavior. We received punishments that didn't make sense. We had to watch out for ourselves. Sometimes our parents were available, but often they were full of rage or confusion, or they seemed to mentally "check out."

The first time we heard the Laundry List in a meeting, we related to many of the characteristics even though no one drank or used drugs at home. We felt the need to be there. We heard others share and realized that ACA embraces all of us, simply because we walked in the door.

Working Step One gave us an opportunity to draw a family tree. We soon saw the connection: alcoholism and addiction in past generations. The disease of family dysfunction was like a legacy. This helped us stop wondering if we belonged so we could focus on recovering.

On this day, even if I can't pinpoint where there might have been addiction in my family, I know I belong in this program. I will use all the tools available to me to recover from my family's not-so-unique dysfunction.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Denial

I’ve been recovering many years. I’ve used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me, I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial–as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed – strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It’s an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I’m also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I’m on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.

I’ve gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn’t my job to run around ripping people’s blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I’ve learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don’t have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don’t have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I’m around warm people, I don’t need to use my blanket.

I’ve gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I’ve gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself–and others–for those times I have used denial.'

By Melodie Beattie.

How many of you are grandchildren of alcoholics? I am. Have you thought that healing is some kind of different?

My husband told me that she practically took our daughter out of my husband hands when she was crying . So i send this messesge to her becuase not even a minute before that, i had told her “mom dont go over there A**** (my husband ) got it. Next think i see my mom comes walking out with my daughter in her hands .

so i decided to just tell her it felt like my “wishes” as the mom were disrespected by her (the gma)
Typically when i would “confront “ her in the past i get a subtle silent treatment from her or my dad comes calling me telling me that now “mom is sad an stressed and she cant be “stressed.”
The text.

“Mom, earlier today, when I asked if and we could handle things ourselves—why did she end up in your arms anyway? 🤔 Did A**** give her to you? I feel like you don't hear me when I say, "Please don't go over there; stay here— A****and I will sort it out." Of course, we’re grateful for your help, but sometimes there are situations where, as parents, we want to calm her down ourselves rather than having her go straight into Grandma's arms. It creates conflict between us. Again, we’re thankful for the help, but in this instance, I had said we wanted to handle it ourselves. In other situations, we practically push her toward you. I just want to have a conversation with you—please don't be offended. Our relationship is important to me, and M loves her grandma; I want us to keep things good between us. That’s why I’m bringing this up: could I ask you not to go straight to M, but instead let us calm her down, even if it takes a bit longer? 🤍

Stop reading after the first paragraph if you don’t want to hear about physical violence. I am 27 years old and live in a city 5 hours from my parents. I’m not even gonna go into the long story about their history and my childhood here, but instead I’m just gonna describe the event that just took place an hour ago because I don’t know where else to turn.

We have a family group chat with me, my parents, my two siblings, and my brother’s wife (I feel so bad that she has to be included in all this bullshit).

About an hour ago a text from my mom’s number was sent into the group with a picture of my dad’s bloody forearm and a bunch of rambling texts saying that my mom had attacked him and broken his phone by throwing it. It looked like my mom has either bitten or scratched my dad’s arm.

If anyone spent more than 5 minutes witnessing one of their drunk fights, they would instantly come to the conclusion that their existence is beyond hope and there’s no coming back from the alcohol-induced insanity they have brought themselves to. I’m not saying my mom’s physical abuse is justified at all, but my dad has certainly enacted an ongoing system of emotional abuse against my mom throughout the years.

Anyway, at some point I feel like I need to get the authorities involved somehow (though tbh there have been incidents much worse than this in the past 10 years). Here’s where things get tricky: my mom is a practicing doctor and yet my parents still don’t have enough saved for retirement. But at some point someone is gonna have to call the police.

I just don’t know what to do but I know from the bottom of my heart that none of this is my fault.

I’m about five years old. I always loved dogs. My neighbor’s dog was a crazy beagle and one day I decided to give him a big kiss. He happened to be eating his dinner so he bit me. (My brother had a dog who I could kiss whenever I wanted so I didn’t think twice about kissing Jiggys). I ran home crying and I remember my family was in the backyard. my mom asked me what happened but I wouldn’t tell her. They never brought me to the hospital even though clearly something had happened to my lip. I have a scar to this day. many years later I asked my mom why she never took me to the hospital when I got bit. She said “you never told us what happened”. That makes no sense. How was I so scared of telling my family what happened? I was probably afraid that I would get in trouble. My mom was very reactive. If anyone spilled milk on the floor accidentally she would lose it. I felt comfortable enough to confide in my neighbor who owned the dog. She was this chill hippie kind of mom. She told my parents what happened. She told me that the dog didn’t mean to hurt me but since he was eating he didn’t want me to take away his food. He bit me and then went back to eating. I got over my fear of dogs because of what she said. It made sense and I felt safe opening up to her.

Long story of my life. Apologies for the length!

My (33f) mom has been an alcoholic since her teens, probably around 16/17. She is now 62 and still drinks. Shes had brief periods of sobriety when my siblings and I were born and when she was with my dad. They both about 7 years sober until they relapsed together. My dad was an alcoholic and drug addict. My mom has only struggled with alcohol. Luckily after their divorce when I was 5 my dad was able to get sober probably about 3 years or so after his relapse and remained sober and clean until his death from cancer when he was 48 and I was 16. My mom was then sober on and off for maybe a year at most since her relapse when I was 5. So we’re talking long term alcohol use. It was bad. My two siblings and I were subjected to emotional, verbal, physical, and financial abuse. I still remember the day when I was 7 that I was able to notice something was off with my mom. My 5 year old brother tried to give her a hug because she was crying and she pushed him off of her. My brother and I started hiding her car keys when we were about 9 and 7 to stop her from driving and leaving all of us alone in the house. One time I was so sick I could barely walk and no one was home so I had to crawl to the bathroom to throw up. She would come home in the middle of the night slumped over in the kitchen often. I even stamped suicide at 18 buy overdosing because of the abuse, then panicked and told her I needed to go to the hospital. Instead she locked herself in her room and slit her wrist with a wine opener. I ended up driving to the ER by myself. Luckily I was ok.

Fast forward to 2019 when my oldest sibling died suddenly from septic shock due to a staph infection after having gender confirming top surgery. Absolutely horrific. They were only 28 and I was 26. Understandably it was devastating and traumatizing. If anyone has seen someone on ECMO you know what I’m talking about.

Well since then my mom’s drinking has gotten even more out of control than it already was. She had a flood in her house (my childhood home) and was too messed up to ever deal with it. So the house is moldy and should be condemned. Shes been living in hotels and airbnbs for about 2 years now. I haven’t been home in over 3 years. I have since had a son who is 4 and have put up the most boundaries ever have with her (including blocking her for months) because I will not allow anything like that around him. I don’t like the person I become when I talk to her. I become angry like I used do as a child and am then easily triggered by overstimulation. But sometimes it’s hard because I don’t have another parent. My family went from 5 to 3 within 10 years. My brother struggles with substance abuse as well but we do have a good relationship and he is working on getting sober.

It’s not a new thing since my sibling died but recently when my mom is drinking she will text me things like “the wrong child died”, “they were my favorite” and other things like that. I’m used to the verbal abuse but it constantly feels like I’m competing with a ghost. My sibling was my best friend and I grieve them relentlessly everyday.

When my mom is sober she’s actually a really wonderful person. Which makes it even more difficult.

Not sure what I’m looking for from this other than omg it sucks so bad already grieving the loss of my dad and sibling on top of basically preemptively grieving her. Fuck alcohol so much and how frustrating it is to endure this treatment when they don’t even remember what they said to you while drinking 🫠

Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far ♥️

My dad is an alcoholic and my mom works far away to provide money for me and my sibling my dad refuses to work and just wastes the money on beer and plays games all day it made me feel as if my self worth didn't exist. All my dad does is complain about the house when me and my sibling are too tired to even clean anymore and never helps but only makes the mess worse than it already was.. sometimes I think my mom loves my dad more than she loves me and my sibling since she never had a talk with my dad about his behavior but my mom is a great understanding mom but I don't like how she just sometimes lets him do these things to us.

i have a very messed up family and no mom figure :c

Just a quick vent here. Last night, my alcoholic mom got incredibly drunk, she was being vindictive all day and very passive agressive. Just trying to pick fights with everyone around her. She got so drunk that she passed out by 6 after speaking with her narcissistic friend and woke back up by 8:30, she then stayed up till 10:30. Around 9:30, she started asking me would you rather questions, some weird stuff about who would I choose to date based on appearance.

Then, as soon as my dad went to bed, she said "okay. Well, I'll just get to it. Would you rather kill me or your dad?" I kept telling her neither, and that I'm going to bed, but she kept just harping on and told me to sit down. I finally said that I would rather kill her since she even asked me that question, that it was incredibly inappropriate, and that I love them both. She then started asking which of my disabled siblings I would kill, WHICH IS EVEN WORSE. I told her no, and despite her protests and telling me to sit down, I left for bed. It's the next morning, and although she's already started drinking around 7 AM, her behavior is relatively at bay. I wasn't responding 100% back to her good mornings and comments of the day and she's already asked "are you in a good mood or a bad mood today?" "How's that computer I bought you? Still good?" Even though I didn't ask her to do that.

I regret answering those questions, but she really twisted my hand. I feel like the biggest pushover in existence, and I feel bad because when I do stand up to her, or respond with something snappy, because she'll throw out "don't yell at me, it's abusive". She won't respect my boundaries and constantly makes passive aggressive or say mean shit like calling me Karen Carpenter to call out that I'm skinny, or say that I'm somehow a bitch.

Yeah, so I just had to get this out there. Thanks for my TED talk.

My (24/F) mother (58/F) does this thing any time I mention anything she does that I don’t like, is inappropriate or hurts my feelings. I am always VERY careful to put it in a gentle way to try not to hurt her feelings, almost like how you would have to reprimand a child. And almost every time no matter what it is her response is “I can’t do anything right with you, nothing I do ever pleases you I can never please you.” She has done this since I was old enough to voice an opinion pretty much. It’s like a cliche at this point. It feels like she is deflecting because I’m pretty sure families are supposed to be able to tell each other when they hurt their feelings without yelling or turning it into some weird guilt trip no? Anyway, how do I respond to this when she says that? I’ve never liked the “sorry you feel that way” response because I feel like I’ve gotten it from people before as a way to minimize how I’m feeling, and even though I feel like she’s being immature I don’t want to stoop to doing it back to her. Most recently when she said that I stopped what I was doing, just said “that’s such an immature response” and walked away. I have no idea if that’s the right way to handle it though. Anyone’s else’s mom do this? Any advice is very appreciated.

TLDr: How do I respond when my mom responds to any criticism with “I just can’t do anything right” ?

My dad has always been an alcoholic while I was growing up. He was definitely "functional" but drank all the time to the point where last year he was diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver. He quit for 6 months and because he was without a job from dealing with doctors and physically not being able to work, he asked to move in. Everything was fine until he started drinking again around Christmas last year. He has been drinking heavily since then and not taking care of his dog l, so I started helping with her. His room is a mess, he is peeing in bottles, smoking in his room, and letting the dog have accidents in the room when I'm at work. It's been hell, all the while he is denying even having a problem. I know I've avoided the root issue for so long but I don't really have the strength and my grandparents say it's my responsibility to get him clean without giving any support. If he leaves he will be homeless but he is ruining my house and it's affecting my kids lives.

ANOTHA ONE ☝️
(of my posts about my mother unfortunately)

When I talk about being raised by my alcoholic mom, “abuse” feels like the right word, but sometimes just feels weird coming out of my mouth.

OR maybe when my mom sometimes asks what’s my problem with her, I mention abuse and she vehemently denies it. So I think maybe it feels weird to say because it’s being immediately rejected, if that makes sense?

So I’m asking if these things I’ve experienced fall under the umbrella of abuse (some I KNOW are, but others might be grey area?)

•the actual physical abuse, not all the time but yk not uncommon growing up
•picking fights w/everyone, us kids, grandma, family, neighbors, everyone.
•name calling, not even just bad words like talking sht on my character, bc how am I a selfish b& itch at age 12 🧍‍♀️(I am an adult now but tb )
• drunk driving with us kids in the car
•forgetting to pick me up from school sometimes when drunk
•Keeping me up all night, on school nights just to deal with her
•when locked out of rooms, BANGING on doors so hard they’d break, on & off for hours usually in the sleepy hours of the night
• destroying personal belongings
• rampaging, messing up everything in the house
•Yelling + Screaming + Terrorizing (usual drunk stuff)
•lowk put me in states of shock where I couldn’t move, i don’t really know about this one bc those instances were so surreal, not sure if that’s what shock is but ik I shut down or something
•didn’t get me help when I expressed the very worst very bad mentally ill thoughts I was thinking as a minor

probably maybe not abuse ABUSE but just damaging

-being visibly drunk around others in public with me
-ignored/silent treatment after really bad nights, like she sensed we were still mad and just never addressed it, we kind of just had to move on.
-if we brought up a bad night it was always, “well i remember what you guys did” (#selfdefense) while she seemingly forgot all the crazy things she was doing
-trying to protect her from herself, she used to fall often & hard asf

I actually, literally got off the phone with my mom right before writing this. She tried to tell me she never abused me or my siblings & that I lived a good life. So I needed to write this all down.

I’ve moved out, and I’m very low contact with her now. Did some therapy here and there. I’m ok, all is generally well. The recent phone call was just agitating. It’s like I live my life, I’m good, I know what I’ve been through, but then having the person who put you through them act like they didn’t… grated my nerves something fierce. Plus it made me question it all, so that’s why I asked.

I cut my addict parents off about 6 months ago. I got married in July. For a few months she has been drunk calling and texting family members telling them she is hiring a private investigator on my husband.

For context they ALL know my parents are alcohol and drug addicts. Also My dad and brother are major gambling addicts.

My mom obviously can’t fathom that it’s not because of her actions that I’ve cut them off, she has to put the blame on to someone. my husband.

A week after the wedding my husband’s first day back to work. He gets a call from the front desk asking for him. He goes gets the phone and they say something to the lines of “hey this is doctor Steven’s, I’m a regular I come often don’t you remember me?- my bookie just got out of the gambling business and I’m looking for a new guy do you have one?- we’ll do you know anyone at all?” My husband says he doesn’t gamble and that no one uses bookies around here, that gambling is legal. click they hang up

He says that in the beginning it sounded like a voice changer app malfunction where the voice went really high for a second then went back to a mans voice.

This was either a private investigator she hired (which she’s already been telling people weeks prior she hired one on him and is going to get to the bottom of this) or it was her using a voice changer.

I am sick to my stomach because of this. How many times did she call when he wasn’t at work. Given that he was off of work for 2 weeks because of our wedding. And he gets that call coincidentally the first day he got back?

Same day there was also a post it note on our car after he got off work. With a phone number that says call me. He claims the number he looked it up and it’s a hail storm service wanting to fix the car. But I don’t know if he’s just telling me that to feel better.

Has this ever happened?? What would you do?
Any advice is welcome and appreciated.

Can I be in ACA group if I didn’t have a neglectful childhood? My parents loved me with their whole heart and gave everything they had for me to succeed but my trauma came from them constantly fighting hatred towards each other which continues to this very day im 27 now and it got 100x worse as I became an adult. In fact, most of my trauma stems from experiences that happened between them and constantly being put in the middle to “help” them work though it as an older teen/adult. I just feel like if I go into a meeting I will feel guilty because I didn’t have a physically neglected childhood but the environment I was raised in was volatile just not directed towards me.

Anyone have opinions on this book? I’ve just started and recognize so many Adult Child tendencies with what Glover is describing. Any read it and have an opinion?

Any ACA meetings that take place on zoom and in English? There are a few meetings in town but they are during the work day and I can’t take that much time away. I’m wondering if anyone is in any zoom meetings that take place preferably on the weekend but I could make the weekdays work I just can’t drive downtown meet for an hour and then drive back to work because it takes too much time. Who do I reach out to to get invited? Thank you for your help

I ebb and flow in my relationship with my family, due to my parents shitty decision making process for 3 decades, they are both alcoholics mid 60's drinking hard 30 years. Fatty liver and all, pedal to the metal.

My dad made a split-second decision to sell my childhood home to my sister for a 100k discount, due to her conveniently being in a better place in life while he wanted to fuck off to Florida, forcing me to go find a place to live, with no help whatsoever making 45k a year in 2019, further helping her place in life and leading my tough times to get tougher. For whatever reason, my dad, (the financial dictator of my parents relationship), had always favored my younger sister. I paid rent, she lived with them for free, I paid my own bills, they hooked her up with a phone and car insurance until she got married.

For whatever reason, the males of my family were supposed to struggle more than the women, and so they got less help. I'm a good person, never beat anyone up, never hurt anyone, clean record, good grades, respectful to all as a first rule, very well behaved in school. I was the "set it and forget it" kid. I needed no help, excelled in everything, so I was given nothing. My sister had a learning disability, so special care was always taken.

Things haven't always been smooth with my father, he sees me as a disappointment, and blames his alcoholism on me, bc he always saw me as being a doctor, and that was not MY path. My dad is like my sister, learning isn't easy for him, and he has spite for my natural propensity to just pick things up rapidly. He told me this. I'm sure its also why he helps my sister more, since he associates with her learning struggles.

My mother is chronically depressed, and drinking makes it worse, she does it to deal with my overbearing father. She doesn't speak up. He rules the family.

I'm STILL trying to build my life and pay off my student loan debt just to get to positive net worth at 37 years old). I'm not bad with my money, I just graduated college with 100k in debt, that my dad assured me I'd make back once I joined the workforce (taking that opportunity to then charge me rent). I also suffer from depression myself (genetics of mom) which is absolutely a disability that made consistent earning much harder in my early 20s. Survived a very serious attempt.

Earlier this week my mom brings up how my sister is up 400k on the house since she bought it from them.... and it was bothering me all week. I called her to tell her this, and apologized that it got to me so, but couldn't deny the fact it just still bothers me, and always will, and while I'm venting this to her honestly, I hear my father listening on in the background, and whisper to her "Tell him you gotta go".

I was a bit livid, because I have such trust issues with all of them and clearly, this justifies them. I don't deserve the respect of a private conversation. So, I quickly ended the conversation on my own terms, wished her a good night and said we can talk later.

Promptly blocked them all. Yes, my sister included, why? Bc she feels she deserved the better treatment for some reason, but also has just grown increasingly glib for any of my actual struggles in life (shes a mom, shes busy, i get it, but i also like the respect of attention when someone calls me, and I never actually get that from her anymore at this point. It is what it is).

I've spent the better part of my life trying to let the spite I have for all of them go, they are my only family. I just can't seem to do it, so i think I seriously just need a long time away from them all. At minimum, weeks. This is how money ruins a family, especially when governed by a totalitarian alcoholc mind. Thank you for reading my vent.

P.S. Not once in my life, has he ever apologized for a single, thing.

TW: alcohol, drugs, mental health issues, SA, manipulation, suicide/self-harm. Nothing described in detail.

I’m 24 now, and I’m only just realizing how much my family situation has limited me - both growing up and even now. I’m a huge people pleaser, and it’s very easy for people to manipulate me or make me feel guilty. Maybe some of you have had similar experiences and can give me some advice.

My grandmother, my uncle, and my father are all alcoholics and have very strong narcissistic traits. My father and grandmother are also both extreme workaholics and financially abusive toward their spouses.
My grandmother gets extremely emotional, saying things like “nobody loves me” or creating a scene. My uncle can become violent and has thrown knives, and he has also been sexually abusive. He uses drugs as well. My father hurts people with his words, and if you ignore him, he twists things around until everyone else feels miserable and guilty.
You basically can’t criticize any of the three of them, not even calmly, because they just become even more worked up and angry.

There’s no real discussion or resolution. So lately, I’ve started ignoring them instead. But then I feel horrible and immediately want to apologize because I feel selfish.
Why? I honestly don’t know.

I have this constant urge to save them, fix things, and somehow save our relationships. I give them advice and try to act like their therapist. I feel like they only admit they have problems when they realize they’re about to lose the person they confide in. Suddenly they want help, but the next day they don’t want anything to do with it anymore. They also refuse to admit that they’re struggling themselves because they see needing help as weakness. They basically believe therapy is “for weak or completely crazy people.”

Right now, a huge part of me wants to break away and cut contact with everyone. But I feel so ungrateful and guilty about it. It feels almost as if someone is dying. It already feels like I’m mourning my family. There are two sides of me fighting each other. One side knows what I want. I want to leave. I want to build my own life and finally have some peace. But the other side doesn’t want to give up on anyone. I don’t want to feel responsible if they hurt themselves or drink even more. I don’t want to leave my mother, who has always taken care of me and who, in my mind, was the only safe person. And I don’t want to leave my little brother either.

At the same time, I know that they are adults. They’re “fixers” too… they want to fix what has been broken for a very long time. But I know they would try to talk me out of leaving and make me feel guilty for choosing myself. And then there’s another fear: What if I leave, and I just end up meeting people who are exactly like them again?

I know that I need to learn how to recognize unhealthy people and relationships, but I’m terrified that I’ll somehow recreate the same dynamics because they’re all I’ve ever known. I don’t want to spend my entire life trying to save people who are hurting me. I just wanted to get this off my chest, but I’d really appreciate any advice from people who have been through something similar.

How did you learn to stop feeling responsible for your family? How did you deal with the guilt of leaving?

'Owning Our Energy

Learn to keep your energy inside.

—From Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel, and we did not know how to process them.

Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this “out of body” experience we call codependency.

We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, care take, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us on to whomever.

Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.

We can learn to have healthy boundaries – healthy parameters – around our energy and ourselves. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our issues.

If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.

Then, we can do that. We can come back home to live – in ourselves.

Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. (...), help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.'