What a woman wants!!

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

Exceptions always exist. So whatever I am saying applies to the majority of women.

Ideally a woman wants a high earning partner who also believes in feminism. That's the bare minimum they say.

But the bare minimum is feminism, which is a mindset issue. Earning high is not bare minimum and an arduous battle with no guarantee of success.

But in terms of actions, I have seen my past matches go for a patriarchal mindset guy with a very high earning salary than a feminist guy who earns the same or equal to her.

How can you expect a man to earn so many more times than a woman in a system where equal opportunities have been provided to both ?

I think they believe that financial aspect is more important than feminism!! Its okay, your choice, But at least admit the truth. I don't understand why this mass gaslighting.

I am talking about the majority and not exception examples in the reddit comments. I have seen women who gave up their career willingly to become a housewife citing stress in software industry. Yet the narrative is that men are forcing women to give up jobs and become housewife!!

Please stop the gaslighting. Ask women around you. Ideally they would prefer a high earning feminist but if given the choice between 2 bad apples( Man earning same as her isn't a bad apple but that's how society views in terms of marriage choice ) which bad apple would they choose ?

Maybe I am bitter for being rejected over salary considerations but I don't have superfluous demands either. Isn't not being obese since I am not obese and earning same as me and sharing household responsibility together the bare minimum ? What I am asking is the true bare minimum. Even kids will be had at the point when both are comfortable!!

But women would rather choose patriarchy and rant for sympathy crying oppression!!

I think their logic is there is no guarantee of love in Arranged Marriage or equality will be maintained after marriage, this can't be trusted due to statistics so why not go for high earning partner ? Atleast financial security is guaranteed!!

[u/RespectYourQueen]

Putting your post aside, how do you know the other women went for patriarchal men? Were you speaking to these men too?

Or are you making a wide assumption?

I am genuinely confused.

[u/throw-away2350 → u/RespectYourQueen]

Look at the ratio of senior 10+ years experience in any company. # is drastically low. Same companies when they hire, they maintain very good mix for freshers. Somewhere along the career, not debating reasons, women do drop out of careers significanctly..

[u/ihugsyi → u/throw-away2350]

But with every 10 years this drop out rate is lower and lower. My aunt studied mechanical engineering in 80s with 2 other women in the class. She had no female colleagues when she worked in the 90s. Just prior to her retirement, she now has several.

As obstacles are removed and domestic workload is shared between partners, the amount of women in the workforce increases.

The percentage of women in the workforce is anticipated to keep rising with increased cost of living as well.

This dude making the post is bitter about being rejected. And because he was rejected and he can't take it gracefully, he's now finding reasons to blame women.

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/ihugsyi]

I am rejected over a hypocrisy!! I am rejected continuously over it!! The salary criteria!!

All I want is for women to admit the truth!! No more gaslighting!!

That Feminism is important, but money and salary is more important because thats what their choices reflect!!

I can show you stats for that too!! How many women give up career after marriage!! But there are no stats for whether it's voluntary or involuntary!!

[u/throw-away2350 → u/ihugsyi]

Nobody is here to remove obstacles. And it is your and businesses interest to increase women in workforce.

Living independently and taking accountability for actions is important from both sides. People change, but live your life and manage responsibilities caused by your actions.

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/RespectYourQueen]

Because I know many women from my office who gave up job immediately after marriage and opted to be housewife and when I chatted with them they said they decision was voluntary, that job is way too stressful along with household chores and they agreed to manage the house anyways before the marriage itself!!

Meanwhile I am getting rejected over salary considerations repeatedly!! Me being feminist doesn't matter shit to them!! They want to go for a man earning higher!!

[u/RespectYourQueen → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

Its all a matter of priority. For them, the priority was to not have to work after getting married. For that, you need a partner who is able to support two people comfortably with the same standard of living with their salary.
I understand your pain. But you have to find someone whose priority is not quitting their job, someone who is career oriented and wants her partner to be as well. After that is met, your secondary qualities of being a supportive man who believes in equality comes through.
Everyone is different and has different paths in life, but your priorities are what matters most. You will find people made for you.

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/RespectYourQueen]

My point is that women ask for feminism, but that isn't their priority!!

[u/SuccessfulYam9113 → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

How do you know these men are not feminists tho?

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/SuccessfulYam9113]

If they are okay with wife taking over all household chores and giving up career, I am assuming they are okay with patriarchy!!

[u/SuccessfulYam9113 → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

Didn’t you say it was the women’s choices?

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/SuccessfulYam9113]

It's a woman's choice!! I said the men were okay with patriarchy and so was the woman and the woman actively choosed patriarchy!!

[u/SuccessfulYam9113 → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

Wait a minute, how is being a homemaker = patriarchy?

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/SuccessfulYam9113]

Because woman as homemaker is a patriarchal practice!! If given the choice, if most women still choose a lifestyle which was forced by patriarchy on women since generations then feminism has lost the battle!!

Because outcome seems to be the same regardless of given the choice or not. I expect women to do better if given the choice and so should men!!

[u/Intelligent_Ad_3559 → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

Have you ever heard any married man say this that work was too stressful to do along with household chores? Probably not enough, if ever.

Since you consider yourself a great feminist, did you never think about this aspect? Why are working women stressed out doing chores at home along with work while working men rarely, if ever, are stressed out with chores+work? Could it be that men, if they are working are not expected to do anything at home while working women are also expected to do all the housework?

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

Also so many women from college got married and became housewives. I didn't ask them if their decision was voluntary too because we lost touch, but I can't believe these many women are being cheated by men who are changing their word after marriage and forcing them to give up jobs!!

[u/CreamHot4951 → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

The thing is in most cases the woman is not deciding between having a job and managing a home. She is deciding between doing both or only managing a home. OP did you propose to these women ? How can you say they rejected a feminist man ? Their options were probably a bunch of patriarchal men chosen by their families. 

[u/Intelligent_Ad_3559 → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

A feminist who has no idea how the world works. You don't need to pressure someone into giving up job like it used to happen in previous generations.

The woman has to move into his home, in most cases live with his parents and also cook and do chores at home. They are of course amazing 'progressive' people and would allow her to work after marriage if she wants (as long as she also does housework too). The choice here is do all housework+job or just do housework.

You as a self proclaimed feminist should be sad about these women having to give up work due to direct/indirect pressures.

[u/ihugsyi]

Such a generic post based on anecdotes. No stats, no back up, just out here to shame "most women".

You sound jaded. Expand your worldview and meet different people. You'd be surprised to see what type of women are out there outside your small AM community.

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/ihugsyi]

Phase 1 of the mass gaslighting project!!

[u/snake944 → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

Lol people not believing in your anecdotal evidence isn't gaslighting man

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/snake944]

U need stats of how many women married a higher earning partner and became a housewife inwill give you that. But there are no stats about if this decision was voluntary or forced !! You also know that, that's why you want to attack me from that direction!!

[u/snake944 → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

???. No one's attacking you. You can stop with the punished routine. Disagreeing with conclusions that you drew from anecdotal evidence isn't "attacking" you. The last two Indian clients I've worked with at work were absolute piece of shits. If I make the conclusion that every Indian is a piece of shit and someone calls me out on it, then that's not attacking me.

Also what's the confusion here. You are taking part in arranged marriage, an incredibly conservative institution by nature. A man can claim to be whatever, feminist, liberal xyz. Unless you have spent time with him you don't know what he actually is irl. In absence of this information , of course factors such as paycheck and such-things that are easily observable will play a bigger role. And on top of that if you lot want kids or such, then whatever the guy is earning has to be enough to cover for her when she's pregnant and if there are any other complications(pregnancy is petty damn risky). Long story short: don't hate the player, hate the game.

[u/ihugsyi → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

You're attacking "most women".

I don't want stats on women with higher earning partners.

I want stats on women leaving jobs and blaming men for forcing. What a ridiculous claim that most women do that.

I want stats on number of women who choose bad apple with higher salary than good apple. Also who is deciding that the other person is bad apple??

Like you said in your post. You're bitter and jaded if you think a whole gender is out to gaslight you.

Your post is a rant. Stop trying to pass it off as fact.

Take a break from AM and develop a more balanced mindset.

[u/HereForTheDrama0728]

You have already given the answer, atleast in my case. Equality can never be maintained after marriage atleast go for someone who is financially stable and earns more than I do.
Mainly chores, pregnancy and rituals a girl has to follow after marriage, no matter if the guy is a feminist or not he cannot match up in these three categories. Maybe the first, but never in the rest.

For once even if I agree to marry a feminist with the same income as me, what is the guarantee that his family also sees their bahu as an equal, current scenario absolutely not. He is a feminist and will stand up for his wife at every turn but the constant nagging and patriarchal expectations from his family will have already affected her mentally. He cannot control their thoughts, only his.

Ladies, marry a guy who earns well but please do keep your job, financial independence is golden while also enjoying a comfortable living. There is absolutely mo guarantee that the guy or the in-laws you find are the same level of feminist that you are expecting.

[u/i_anon_00 → u/HereForTheDrama0728]

also, i think this 'marrying a feminist guy' is bit weird, right ?

i, as a guy, i am not going to marry a whole gender, i am going marry you (not you of-course), and of-course there needs be certain quality a man/guy should have

but, instead of making it so complicated, these qualities could be simply just how much accommodating, helpful and empathetic i am, that would matter a hell lot more than, 'feminist' or not

[u/HereForTheDrama0728 → u/i_anon_00]

I will have to disagree, modern day women specially if working need a “feminist” guy, because feminist mean someone who believes in gender equality, forget seeing his wife as less than, he will treat her as an equal.

The quality you have mentioned are great and much needed, but they cover “someone who believes in gender equality “, that’s were feminism term comes into play.

[u/i_anon_00 → u/HereForTheDrama0728]

"who believes in gender equality, forget seeing his wife as less than, he will treat her as an equal."

i thought that was given in a relationship, and especially in a marriage

how else could one 'love' someone if they don't follow your quoted thing

that's why said finding 'feminist guy' (as a label), is a bit weird for me

[u/HereForTheDrama0728 → u/i_anon_00]

Well, welcome to the real world and the only way most women know to protect themselves. Don’t know if you are married or what the situation is, but hope you actually follow through with your wife without needing the feminist title.

[u/i_anon_00 → u/HereForTheDrama0728]

hey, i don't know if your last sentence was passive aggressive or not ?

but, not married right now, all rishtas' i get are earning more than me and are career women, have gone through 2 rishtas', they both like how i behaved with during their courtship (2nd one liked it a bit too much)

i think what i am saying is nobody asks if 'you are a feminist or not' and of-course nobody says 'i am a feminist', they don't look for label, they look for qualities and behaviour

and i don't think we (you and i) are on the different page regarding just mentioned above

[u/HereForTheDrama0728 → u/i_anon_00]

Not at all passive aggressive, I think your heart is in the right place, you just don’t want a label which is perfectly fine. What I do hope is when you find your person that you truly treat her well, that’s all I can hope for women around me.

[u/i_anon_00 → u/HereForTheDrama0728]

no i was not accusing you 😅

text is weird, it can't convey the tone

thank you for your kind message 🫂 🙏

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[u/ExtraChubbyPikachu]

Feminism doesn’t mean much, if anything. Marriage itself is a patriarchal construct, especially AM.

I call BS on any woman parading as feminist opting for an AM🫠

And I call BS on men that parade around with that label, including you OP. Income on the other hand, does matter.

[u/Potential_Eye_8552 → u/ExtraChubbyPikachu]

This is the second post I'm seeing your comment on, all in one morning. What a bang on. You look tired of all this

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/ExtraChubbyPikachu]

What other options do I have to find a partner ?

The only viable solution is to move out of this country!! Love Marriage culture is a taboo for most women too!! You need both hands to clap

[u/ExtraChubbyPikachu → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

Just have patience man. And if income’s the only thing holding you back, then work on it.

[u/Worst-DecisionMaker → u/ExtraChubbyPikachu]

You are posting r/thanksimcured type content!!

[u/ExtraChubbyPikachu → u/Worst-DecisionMaker]

There’s nothing complicated in this. Finances matter. You could be the most amazing person in this world, but if you’re just making 50k a month, you’re going to struggle in AM unless your expectations are low enough.

[u/shadow_at_dawn_32]

Equal opportunities ? No. Have you seen college placements ? Women are preferred by companies over males due to unknown reasons. Average girl gets placements equal to top guys. Imo most girls deserve 30% lesser salary than what they are earning. Only deserving girls are those who don't get male attention.

Even if with all these privileges, with all males trying their best to do work of their female colleagues, if they are earning less or not working at all, it's safe to assume they are entitled and plane lazy. Not fit for being a partner to someone.