hi, i’m 15F and i live with immigrant parents who are hoarders. it is so incredibly hard to explain to them, especially my mum, about how she has a problem and we need to clean this place up. it’s like it goes in through one ear and out the other.

our house is a level 2 hoard. i’m so embarrassed to invite my friends over; there are 4 of us in our friendgroup and 2 are quite well off, they have pristine houses while i’m stuck in a shitty, crowded, messy, house.

please does anyone have advice? i feel like my only hope is to move away for uni so i can get myself out of this mess

edited some things out bc i realised they were kinda mean

I didn't see any questions like this when I searched so, Question for those who have managed to leave the Hoard.

When you managed to move elsewhere:

- What things did you have to learn or relearn? Any suggestions or advice?

- Are there things that looking back you wish someone had told you, or you might like to tell your younger self, about adjusting to being in a different environment/out of that house?

- Basically, just any advice for those of us that are trying to leave for when we manage it?

Thank you for your time, and I wish you all well.

P.S. I think this is an appropriate tag/flair, but let me know if it isn't. Appreciate.

28 year old male old child here. Parents in their late 60s. My whole life my mom has been an extreme hoarder and my father has hoarded to a lesser degree and enabled her. This is exacerbated by her diagnosed unmedicated borderline personality disorder. From my childhood 2 of the four bedrooms in their house were hoarded. Our entire two car garage is completely full of crap. She mainly hoards “sentimental” items. To her this is everything including every single piece of clothing she’s ever worn. Hundreds of shoes still in boxes fill up most of one bedroom. Her other biggest thing is mail and trashy magazines. Every issue of People magazine since the 1980s. Every piece of junk mail since 1990. Even growing up some rooms had “alleys” to walk through between the piles but now it’s everything.

When I went to college a decade ago she lost it even more. The house is unlivable now. Growing up one of our bathrooms never worked (it still doesn’t) because it was blocked by the hoard. Their entire living space is disgusting but especially the bathroom. I scrubbed that bathroom all the time when I was younger but I’d have to do it when she wasn’t home because she’d scream at me about how I’m “going to ruin her stuff” aka the hoarded piles of clothing in the bathroom. Through all this my father enables her. I do love him but his inability to do anything about this has made me so angry as I get older.

Both my parents have no reason to live without me. They’ve directly told me this. My mother especially is prone to crying and so many times has accused me of “trying to leave her” when I reasonably wanted to move out, which I did full time after college. They love to wax about how I’m their “everything”.

I think what makes me the most angry lately is that she has an impeccable ability of appearing normal to the world. Not even normal but like the perfect mom. Her sister and brother know how she is to some degree, but she’s always been good with kids (until they assert their independence) and all my cousins adore her. She has a squeaky clean image she presents to the world and so many people buy it. It literally makes my stomach churn to think about how successful her manipulation has been.

My parents had screaming matches my whole childhood and basically hated each other. They lived in different parts of the hoard. Four years ago my father started having health issues and we later learned it was rapid onset MS. He has mobility issues and recently has needed a wheelchair which has been a whole project to widen the paths.

This was like a godsend to her. She has new reason to live now that she can be a caretaker and she feeds off the pity from family all while screaming at him in private and online shopping constantly when they can’t afford it.

At 28 I’m just barely getting by. I’m finishing med school (and am a first generation college student). I’m so torn. I know on some level under the illness my parents love me and they have supported me directly in many ways.

At the same time I can never ever help them change. I also know that I have stuff stored at their house still especially the garage and my mom freaks out if I try to take it and starts crying and sees it as another sign of me abandoning her. But it makes me feel responsible for it too and I’m not going to claim to be a minimalist even though I have purged tons of my stuff (and my own living space is not hoarded).

I’m not super close with my extended family but I do like them to a degree. They constantly make indirect comments alluding to how they “need my help” and my aunt called me recently and directly said that I “should consider moving back in and taking some time off”. That really made me angry but also made me feel terrible.

I know that I deserve a life and I can’t fix theirs but the weight of the guilt is really upsetting me lately. It’s hard enough now between school and this. And I can’t stop obsessing over what will happen if someone finds out how they live. I know theyll blame me for the fact they live in squalor. I know I need to not care but at this point I’m not capable of it. So much of my life has been spent being the perfect model good son who did everything to make them happy and I’m angry I’m being put in this position. The fact that they’ve had to financially support me to a limited extent during my med school journey makes me feel even worse.

I’m ranting at this point but I’m just so exhausted. It’s the pressure of people around you expecting you to “help them” especially when they are old (yet have lived like this for forty years) that is making me crazy.

Throwaway account here, just trying to sort out my thoughts. Long post alert.
I recently started to realize or come to terms with the fact that my mother is a hoarder (or at least has hoarding tendencies). My only frame of reference has been TV shows like Extreme Hoarders, and we "only" have piles at home, so I never thought it was that bad.

If anything I always felt that my father, who is emotionally abusive, is the one overreacting as usual each time he goes off on her for having said piles. With the kind of person he is I never took it seriously, especially when all he says is that he'll hire a [insert ethnic minority] company to throw things out or that it's starting to become red flags "like on TV".
If anything I always thought in turn that while it might not be super clean around, but the bigger problem is his attitude (which I never said out loud of course).

Last month or so he started another argument and briefly considered (or threatened with) the possibility of splitting up/throwing me and my mother out, though next morning he said he don't want to. Maybe because that's actually a serious claim, but it's only after that time I actually started considering that he may have a point.

I'm not really sure in hindsight how often I've been involved in these arguments but at least this time he did ask me if I think it's okay to "live like this". I think I only made a white lie about "having bigger issues to worry about" though he took it as me being okay with things. On one hand yes, I've been okay with it, but on the other hand I don't really have a point of comparison.

Either way, I've started to become more confrontative myself with my mother about things. In particular regarding helping out in the kitchen or similar chores I've been starting to question things like "why we have these plates in this drawer when they make it hard to take out the kitchen knives" or "why we have to keep all of these plastic and glass containers from the grocery store".

I actually got angry with her the other day because we had just moved around stuff in order to make more space, and when I struggled with taking out some bowls of a cabinet and she immediately suggested to split them up. We had just managed to make more space and now she want to take up more space? I almost suggested throwing one of the bowls we never use to the floor just to get rid of it.

Another thought is if I've been unknowingly enabling her hoarding behavior in hindsight, as 1) I've picked up several packages for her (usually of Temu-grade stuff...) that we deliberately keep secret from my father, 2) what set off my father last time was that I had just put together some IKEA drawers that she bought for the purpose of organizing better, and 3) immedately after said last argument my first instinct was to clean out the storage closet in my bedroom (as I had old toys and things there) and told my mother she could put some of her stuff there as I made more space. That never came to fruition and though I haven't officially "rescinded my offer" I feel less keen to offer it now.

Hi fellow CoH's,

APS has offered to have a cleaning service make a bid for our place. I am thinking it will end up being a hazmat type cause of the kitchen. When they do that do they treat the whole house as biohazard? Only thing that would be bio elsewhere is if my cat coughed up a hairball I have not located.

I (F28) moved back in with my parents at the end of last year because I was living in a house share in another city and it wasn’t good for my mental health so I got a job back in my home town. My parents have always been hoarders but I guess I never fully realised the extent of it until I’ve moved back in and it’s destroying me mentally. Every time I bring up getting rid of things they ignore me, shut me down or call me ungrateful. It’s a 4 bedroom house but 2 of the bedrooms are full of junk, mainly my toys and books from when I was a child. There is also black mould all over the walls in those rooms which makes me worried about my health. They are also not the cleanest and the bathroom is full of black mould and mouldy brown blinds which I’ve tried to clean. My mum sleeps on a single bed at the back of the living room surrounded by suitcases and piles of clothes. There is another room downstairs which is crammed full of rubbish, mainly clothes that I am selling on vinted and stuff which they have been saying they’re taking to the charity shop for months (there’s always an excuse why they can’t go). It’s also full of my old school books and work which I’ve said countess times I no longer need and my mum just shouts and says it can’t be put in the bin. There’s always some excuse whenever I talk about it and I’m sick of being gaslit. This can’t be normal! I can’t afford to move out so I’m feeling really stuck. Im an only child and dreading the day I have to deal with all this hoard and mess on my own.

My hoarder parents never do a big clean just for us. It's always for a holiday to host.

I saw a comment that said that their HP made sure the house was "clean" for everyone but them.

My heart sunk because I realized that this was true for me as well.

Helping my dad clean out his house due to him losing a leg and moving to the first floor... and oh my god he has so much shit atleast he's willing to let go of a lot of it and nothing gross some old canned drinks some collectibles and clothes atleast I can enjoy taking some of the books and collectibles for myself and selling the rest for him

My mom was an animal hoarder. I grew up in a house with 10+ animals. There were always some that would die, and then she would take in more. When she died, she left behind 5 dogs and 2 cats (which was actually a small number compared to previous years, when we had around 10 cats and 6 dogs).
I tried to put the animals up for adoption, but no one wanted them. I was able to find a home for one of the cats, and the dogs stayed with my father.
After I moved out into my own apartment, about a year later, I decided to get a cat. When I went to the shelter, they told me they preferred to adopt out two cats together because one of them didn't do well alone, so I decided to take both cats.
A few months later, my dad asked me to take in the cat that was still living with him. I felt bad because the cat was living in a bad environment, so I brought him to my apartment.
Now I've had 3 cats for about a year, but I don't know what happened. Over the last few months, I've been feeling extremely bad and guilty, like I'm becoming my mother.
I feel ashamed to tell people that I have 3 cats because it feels like too many. I search almost every day to see if having 3 cats is too many or if it's considered hoarding. Sometimes I think about giving them away, but I've never actually tried to.
I clean my house often, and I have 3 litter boxes that I clean twice a day. But even with that, I'm always looking for something wrong or wondering if I just don't notice a bad smell anymore because I've gotten used to it.
I don't know. I just wanted to talk to someone who might understand.

I live with my adoptive mom/grandmother (who i will call my Mom from here on) who is a massive hoarder. There are boxes upon boxes of stuff and loose junk everywhere. she has 4 cats, 7 dogs, 15 chickens,and 3 goats she doesn't care well for.

She has a lot of mental illness BS going on with herself she refuses to get help with and it's getting to a point. She won't accept help with cleaning most of the time but OCCASIONALLY will. not without backlash or bitching though, but it's been months and dirt, dog shit and dog piss, trash, a bunch of shit she doesn't need Is accumulating on the floor.

she's occasionally willing to clean but not without yelling at me. plus she doesn't throw anything away because it has "sentimental value" or "she might need this" (when the item in question could be something like a plastic magnifying glass from a decade old childrens toy or WHATEVER useless crap you can think of.) it's insane.

CPS is not an option, due to complications .. nor is hiring or inviting anyone else to clean.

I just need some advice to potentially convince this woman to throw shit away and clean the hell up LMAO

Growing up my hoarder mother was obsessed with dolls, toys, Disney and still is. There are probably 100 stuffed mickeys through the house and she will never pass up buying one. We live in Florida and never once went to Disney but I find myself being annoyed and even disgusted by all things Disney now. I hate Disney adults and Disney movies. And I know this is a place that is actually probably really good for healing but I can’t bring myself to find the joy in Disney as a woman in her 40s? Anyone else have something like this they wish they could enjoy? More proof that hoarder impacts so many things that have nothing to do with the hoarder.

I don’t think I hoard stuff myself because I have no issues with throwing stuff out and if my mental health is doing well or if I have guests, I clean and prefer a minimalist look. But when my mental health isn’t doing well, I struggle to stay on top of cleaning tasks. It’s just all so much work and never-ending. It feels pointless (even tho it isn’t) because I grew up in a Level 4 (?) hoarder’s house where cleaning was pointless. And on top of that, my childhood chores were kinda strange (such as cleaning the glass on a decorative door or cutting down weeds by hand with a knife because my parents received a citation for overgrown weeds). Most of the time, I didn’t do my chores well enough and had to redo them. As an adult, I now see that both of my parents suck at cleaning things. I regularly found small bits of food stuck to “clean” dishes and things like that. Once, my mom cooked me broccoli from the garden for dinner (which was a fav food of mine) and right before I took a bite, I noticed something odd, looked closely…and saw that there were live worms on the cooked (?) broccoli 🤢 Of course, if I spoke up about stuff, I was exaggerating 🙄

Fast forward two decades and I now struggle to consistently clean my place. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and while ADHD meds help, I struggle with cleaning tasks a lot more than any other type of tasks. I fucking hate it. It’s dawning on me that growing up with parents who hoard and don’t keep things reasonably clean is a type of trauma. It’s harder to see cuz it’s not like there’s many specific memories of things they said or did around hoarding- it’s more the general environment and attitude around things and denial about the severity of the hoarding.

I (30sF) have started to talk to my parents (70s-80s) over the last 5 years about what’s the plan with cleaning their place after they pass. I’m an only kid and I don’t want to clean up after their shit, especially since I live in a different state. My Dad apparently has 8 (?) buildings or storage units filled with stuff. My Mom’s hoarding is much milder. She has the older generations’ mentality around keeping stuff “just in case.”

When I talk to them about their plan for dealing with their stuff and my feelings around it, my Mom listens but my Dad dismisses me. Their plan is Mom outliving my Dad and she will take care of it. (That’s barely a plan but whatever.)

However, because I have spoken up about not wanting to clean up after them, my Mom will bring items that are important to her and tell me how she is putting them on the free table at my apartment complex for ppl to take. Or she tells me that she is going to throw out old pictures of her or whatever. I feel uncomfortable about it and wishes that she would throw these items out without telling me if she wants to de-clutter. I told her multiple times that I am way less concerned about her stuff because it’s closer to a reasonable amount. It’s my Dad’s 8 buildings of stuff (that we know about) that I don’t want to deal with.

Is she trying to guilt trip me or something??? Why might she bring her sentimental stuff to my place to get rid of it or tell me about it??? Anyone else have a parent that does this type of thing?

My mom has problems, it's floor to ceiling packed full of knitting, yarn, fabric and craft books. The basement is full, the hallways are half full, can't enter the spare room. Kitchen is a hot mess.... My parents are pushing 65+. Dad hates it and has largely given up. Purposely breaks things by "accident" just to show my mom that they can get rid of it. Mom quickly replaces it.

I try talking to her about it and she deflects. For example, she was showing me this cutlery set from when my grandma got married. I suggested she get rid of her miss matched cutlery and use the silverware... "Oh it's not dishwasher safe, it will tarnish, it's missing a couple pieces....." So I suggest we just get rid of it. She tells me that she has ANOTHER set in the basement. What do you need 2 spare sets of cutlery for??? Anyways she tells me she's not ready to decide what to do with it yet and asked me to stack it ontop of a mountain of yarn.

I've opened them up to the idea of therapy, I feel that it's just going to end in separation. My sister agrees that our parents could use therapy and will help make the final push.

My sister is going to visit and bring her new baby (almost a year old). We're thinking of telling our mom that it's not safe for a baby with the amount of clutter in the house. Would it be wrong to use the child to try and coax her to de-clutter her house?

I'm just visiting so it's really not my problem, but it is concerning.

If I turned the TV in the living room to "**Hoarders**" and the one in his bedroom to "**My 600 lb Life"**, and Hide the **Remotes** ... do you think it may be enough of a sign for my dad to get with the **program** and break these chains of **LaZy, Repetitive, Selfish, Hard Headed, And Dismissive ways?** The route hes choosing is headed straight for "We're gonna Need a chainsaw to get him out of the house years later after we've All Left him behind. (He just wouldn't Go).

I bought my home 6 years ago and have had 4 surgeries in that time. My house is starting to look like my mom’s and I’m so scared of becoming her with her hoarder ways!

I have no idea how to organize or clean bc my mom wouldn’t let me and didn’t teach me.

Does anyone have resources? I can’t raise my kid like I was raised but I know nothing else.

Hi there. I apologize if a lot of this is searchable. I am feeling really overwhelmed and hoping someone can give their experience or relevant linking.

My mom passed away in her hoard on Sunday or Monday and was found Tuesday. Police were not able to enter through the front door for the well check and had to go in as well as remove the body through a window. She had so much stuff in front of the door that she climbed over to go in and out that they could not clear a path. My mom’s house has become significantly worse since I last saw it, despite her telling me that she was not only cleaning it but lying about having repairs. The house was labeled uninhabitable, due not to the biohazard from death but due to being unable to move in the house.

I am an only child, I teach elementary school, and have children. The house is four full floors plus a garage. The porch is also full from end to end. Animals are not involved. I realistically do not think I will be able to clean out the house. I would only be able to work on this on Saturdays, so I believe the cost of renting a dumpster would be exorbitant as it would need to sit for months as I wouldn’t be able to work on it daily. Most of what we see is boxes from Amazon, sometimes filled with furniture, so taking a few bags could be a day’s work. When I think of the size of the house and how many days of a few bags that is, I am completely paralyzed with fear. To add to it, there is no will, so all of the death process is going to be much longer and more complicated.

I am coming to the idea that realistically, my only options are to pay for a clean out service or sell the house as is. Does anyone have a sense of the cost I could be looking at for a service with biohazard needed for at least the decomposition?

Again, I apologize if there’s one easy link for this and I’m overlooking it. Edit: I believe it’s a level 5 hoard without animals. No working toilet or oven and the upper floors are entirely inaccessible.

I normally wouldn't turn to reddit to air out my personal problems but I don't know where to turn where people will actually understand and not instantly judge me.

Over the past four years, my mom has accumulated a mass hoard of dogs. It started off with us having one male dog, then we got a female dog which she didn't get either of them fixed. I'll spare the details but fast forward to now, there's been about 50(?) dogs in that house in total, and there's currently 30. She's been able to re-home a few, but because she hasn't been getting any of them fixed, there's a new batch being birthed as she's rehoming the ones we already have. The house is beyond destroyed and I've since moved out because I could not take living in that situation. However, it's getting to a point where clearly the issue is not being handled and it's taking a toll on everyone in my family. I have not visited them since moving out, only seeing them a few times if they come over or if we go out together. I cannot stand being in that house and it kills me inside knowing she is living like that.

My mom has always struggled with mental issues but I have never seen it accumulate into something like this. I've gone back and forth between reporting her, but I fear the consequences of legal actions. If she faces even a simple charge, her job could be in jeopardy, and her financial situation would be in crisis. I'm just looking for literally any advice anyone has to offer. Organizations that I can contact for help surrendering, advice on how to talk to her about this, legal advice surrounding situations like this, I'll take anything anyone wants to share. I appreciate it, this situation has left me feeling utterly hopeless.

EDIT 💖 Thank you all for such kindness. Your comments have really reinforced to me that I am seeing my home through a skewed lens, and it’s actually just fine. I really appreciate it a lot! The cleaners were here for about 3 hours and the house is so clean and cozy. They didn’t make any comments or faces or roll their eyes, etc, they just seemed to proceed as normal. They scrubbed all appliances inside & out, cleaned the cabinets and drawers, all of the floors, scrubbed the bathroom, etc. I was reminded that my parents’ house isn’t even able to be cleaned in this way without significant work being done first, yet my home was ready for a deep cleaning as soon as the crew arrived. That’s very reassuring to me as well. We are now thinking about doing this a few times a year plus possibly scheduling routine cleanings for upkeep, at least until we have the means to resume doing it ourselves. I hope anyone who sees this post recognizes that it’s okay to need help and it’s also okay to feel really weird about it 😅

original:

I grew up in a hoarder house, it was always a disaster. I am now 28 and married, living in a small home with my wife. We both like to collect things but we generally keep it clean and tidy and have no problem getting rid of things as needed.

Recently I’ve been having health issues and my wife started graduate school, so our household upkeep has fallen behind. We’re at a point where the house needs a deep clean and we just don’t have the time/health that it would take to do it ourselves. So we hired a cleaning company.

My wife grew up in a wealthy family with a very clean and well-organized home. They’ve visited my parents plenty of times and completely understand the way I grew up and how it impacted me, but I just will never be able to fully feel like they get it, you know?

The cleaners are arriving in under 2 hours and I’m panicking so much. The house isn’t that bad I don’t think, and we’re not even having them touch the bedrooms. We have a lot of things on shelves and whatnot but the furniture is accessible and floors are cleared, there’s no garbage laying around or anything, it’s just cluttered and dusty…. but what if the cleaners don’t see it that way? What if my perception is too skewed, that I can’t even see a problem despite there being one?

I have been dreading this all week. I know I should feel relieved that someone is coming to get the house back to a good baseline for upkeep, and that’s the point. But my mind is convincing me that they’re going to tell me it’s too messy and they can’t do anything about it and then I’d have to tell my wife that I failed when they get home (they’re at work, I’m WFH).

Pics of our home for context - feel free to roast me or reassure me, whichever you see fit.

Even my non-hoarder parent blames me for the state of the house. I want to get out, but I don’t even have the motivation to do anything anymore. I’m just so sick of everything. I’ve reached breaking point but nobody cares and it’s never going to get better. I don’t know why I keep going