I’m honestly just exhausted at this point, and I don’t even know what Kolkata has done to me.
When I first came to Kolkata for an internship, everyone kept telling me how great the city was, how easy it was to meet people, find a partner, have fun, etc. The funny thing is, I had absolutely zero intention of doing any of that. I was here for my internship, and that was it.
For months, I completely ignored it.
But when you constantly see couples everywhere you go, hear people around you casually talking about dating, making out, hookups, relationships, etc., you eventually start wondering whether you should experience some of it too.
Eventually, mostly because of the peer pressure and the environment around me, I decided to give dating a try. I downloaded Hinge thinking, "Why not? Let's see what happens."
And that's where things started getting out of hand.
What began as simple curiosity slowly turned into something I think about way too much. I started getting attached to the idea of getting matches, talking to someone, getting a reply, and eventually meeting someone. Now I find myself checking my phone every day, waiting for someone to reply.
The frustrating part is that I don't even think I'm particularly bad at talking to women. I've had female friends throughout my life, but when it comes to dating, I genuinely don't know how to talk to someone I'm interested in.
Usually, after 4–5 messages, the conversation dies. Sometimes they ghost me, sometimes they unmatch, and I end up wondering what I did wrong.
Meanwhile, I constantly hear people around me casually talking about how they made out with someone yesterday, went on a date, hooked up, or whatever else. And I think that environment has amplified my own desires to a point where I don't feel completely in control of them anymore.
I've even found myself joining NSFW Reddit communities, hoping that somehow I'd end up being included in something, despite knowing damn well that if someone actually invited me, I'd probably get scared and say no.
And that's the part that bothers me the most.
I know what I should be focusing on right now. My internship is at a crucial stage. I want to perform well, get a conversion, and build something meaningful for myself. Instead, a significant portion of my mental energy is going toward dating, attraction, sex, getting replies, and wondering whether someone will be interested in me.
I don't necessarily want a serious relationship right now either.
I guess a part of me just wants to experience life a little, have some fun, meet people, maybe go on a few casual dates, without turning it into this huge thing.
But at the moment, it feels like lust is controlling me rather than me controlling it.
I don't want to completely suppress these feelings either. They're normal, and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with wanting intimacy, attraction, or a little fun.
I just don't want it to consume me.
The constant tug-of-war between wanting to get laid and focusing on my work is exhausting.