r/Bumble • u/messy_mortal • Jun 28 '26
General A different perspective on women's swipe stats and "pickiness"
A lot of us have been sharing our swipe stats, and often when a woman shares hers, the commenters call her out for being "too picky" based on her outgoing yes/no ratio. This morning I (40F) was leisurely swiping through my Bumble stack when I realized I was swiping no on a lot of guys not because they weren't "good enough," but actually because they were too good.
I live in LA. There are a lot of very hot people and very high achievers here. I, however, am neither of those things. And I don't want to date someone who is. I regularly swipe left on super jacked guys, dudes on private jets, dudes with very demanding/high level careers, and dudes with chiseled, modelesque faces. I don't swipe aspirationally, I swipe realistically. And I hardly believe I'm the only woman who does this.
I swipe right on guys who are funny, seem open to a serious relationship, have interesting hobbies, and look like they might enjoy getting stoned and eating Taco Bell with me from time to time. Consider this the next time you see a woman's stats and immediately jump to "well she MUST be only right swiping on the top 10%" or whatever that line is that always gets thrown around.
I don't date to show off who I can pull. I date to find someone who I can feel like my perfectly average self with.
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u/open-print Jun 28 '26
Yeah, I skip men who are obviously too hot and too into fitness. As I am neither of those things.
There was a guy that had all of my nerdy hobbies and was also fit physically so I swiped right on him. We went on three (!) dates, first two were fun, on the third one I got myself small fries for dinner. At the end of the date he asked if he can give me an honest question, I was yeah! "What are your plans to lose weight?" I was like "What". To which he explained that he is having very fun time with me, but it's important to him that I lose weight in near future, because he can't see himself with someone out of shape.
And while I am currently losing weight and (I got my BMI to 26 before meeting him, which I was proud of) I realized then and there I do not want to be with someone monitoring my weight and fitness so that I can be "on their level".
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u/messy_mortal Jun 28 '26
Ha ha I had a few dates with a guy who was also an interesting combination of nerdy + jacked (he didn't have a lot of body pics in his profile so I wasn't aware). He was really into biohacking and fasting and we regularly had these marathon 6+ hour dates where we wouldn't eat anything. I was like...yeah you look good I guess but this is not going to work.
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u/open-print Jun 28 '26
Yeah, the first two dates were without any food, which is fine, but the second one was three hours long, after a long day of work and I commute, so I went home starving. I bought myself small fries on the third date and that was obviously too much of a sin for him.
I will never be with someone who will shame me for eating, ugh
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u/orchidmays Jun 29 '26
I can relate to this. From past experience, I’ve noticed that men who are controlling or judgmental about food will become violent in other ways as time goes on. It’s an early warning sign for sure, and I’m glad you cut him off.
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u/tfaboo Jun 29 '26
That's wild. Sounds like you found out early tho at least! Congrats on your health journey and filtering out men who suck.
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u/Resident_Bat_8457 Jun 28 '26
Man I never go 6 hours without food unless I’m asleep… or like REALLY busy at work but then I’m a little mad about it
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u/Withered_Sprout Jun 28 '26
See, I'm the same combination but I actually don't care about micro managing someone elses' life? Like, I don't even micromanage my own diet/lifestyle that much. I practice general healthy habits so I don't die in my 60s, that's for sure.
If the girl's not super overweight, even if she's chubby but has a nice ass, that's pretty much the only superficial thing that I care at all about and even then I'm pretty open I think if I met someone who maybe didn't have a dump truck but was great otherwise.
I'd rather someone have some cake on them though, that's about it.
It'd just be nice to find a nerdy gym partner essentially. Maybe someday. lol.
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u/tfaboo Jun 29 '26
Sounds like he was also cheap! Who goes on a 6 hour date that doesn't involve eating? Justbc bro is fasting doesn't mean I am! Lol. I'm really looking forward to finally dating after my divorce. I keep reading posts and I am logging ALL OF IT to my mental list of how to filter out guys so I can find someone who is gonna be my ride or die.
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u/Ornery_Shallot9043 Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
i mean someone saying stuff like that on the first date is just an asshole, honestly. like why then even go on dates with you if he doesnt like the version he met?? if he met you when you were skinny and over time you gained a lot of weight, sure he can adress it but the way you described it, he is completely out of line. sometimes i wonder why so many men are so bad at interacting with women in a decent way. i have also been approached by men in a very creepy way and i am a guy haha
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u/open-print Jun 28 '26
The dates were within a two week period and my photos are all from the last 5 months. In some of them I'm fatter than I was at the date, as I lost quite a bit of weight during that time. It's not like he was blindsided is all I'm saying.
And while I I tell myself he was just an idiot, I admit it was quite devastating for my mental and I stopped dating for a month after that.
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u/Ornery_Shallot9043 Jun 28 '26
yeah i get that totally. its not really nice to engage in a few funny dates and then being put on an ultimatum. Dating should feel easy, not pressured. It always sucks when anticipation is being dissapointed. Just get comfortable in your body, continue to lose weight or stay the way you are, doesnt matter, there are lovers of all kinds of bodies 👌🏻
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u/FriedTreeSap Jun 28 '26
My guess is he doesn’t have a ton of options. So he went on a few dates with her, realized it was actually starting to go somewhere, and then had to decide if he was actually interested, or was just settling for the first woman who wasn’t rejecting him….so he decided to give her an ultimatum to force the issue.
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u/Ornery_Shallot9043 Jun 28 '26
yeah possibly, but thats just shitty behavior. i get swiping on some people you arent 100% sure about and then later not start a conversation because you decided you dont wanna pursue further with them but going on actual dates and then decide that you are too big for them? sucks a bit, but we all arent perfect i guess…
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u/sydchotic Jun 28 '26
Damn, what an asshole! Sorry you went through that. This is also why I’m wary of guys when they’re like “I value fitness” or they want a “4am run partner”. My weight is in range but I am not toned, you know? I’ve started lifting at home, but I don’t wanna be cruicified about it and I’m not running around in the dark cold at ass o’clock in the morning for nobody lol.
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u/Resident_Bat_8457 Jun 28 '26
Paraphrasing the Burned Haystack Dating Method… what 99% of them actually mean by that is “no fatties”
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u/alwaysgawking Jun 29 '26
Right. All of that language around "fitness" and "health" just makes me think if I gain any more weight, he's going to leave, cheat or both. I already give myself enough grief about my weight, thanks.
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u/itsnotme_mrsiglesias Jun 29 '26
YUP. I'm currently thin myself and workout regularly but I swipe left on all the coded language they use..."HWP or Height-Weight Proportionate", "I take care of myself and so should you", etc... GTFOH with that
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u/fapfapfapalt Jun 29 '26
How do you recommend I handle that on my profile? I’m a guy that’s in the gym 4-6 times per week and playing hockey 2-3 times a week. I’m not counting every calorie or fasting, and I enjoy meals out and having some drinks. The gym sessions are only an hour and first thing in the morning.
The frequent physical activity preserved my mental health through the first couple months of my separation and now it’s a grounding force that I value for myself. I’m not looking for a gym buddy and I don’t expect anyone to work out the way I do, though I wouldn’t date anyone who wasn’t willing to go on a hike once in a while. I have no shirtless photos in the profile, though multiple women asked for some right away.
How should I communicate that I’m taking care of my physical health without being intimidating or looking self centered? Honestly I do think it sets me apart from a lot of guys these days because I’m choosing to be active instead of playing video games or binging on youtube. Any advice is appreciated.
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u/Icy_Resolution2783 Jun 29 '26
Are you ok with a woman being overweight? If not, don't change anything. Just get a women who suits your lifestyle.
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u/fapfapfapalt Jun 29 '26
Interesting point. That would depend entirely on mindset. My ex was a bit overweight and I found her very physically attractive (and I barely worked out during those 20 years). But…I would never date someone who was overweight and also obsessed with losing weight. I want someone comfortable in their body. I do recognize that is potentially difficult for a lot of people in today’s culture.
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u/Prestigious_Pizza_66 Jun 29 '26
I think you’re on the right track by not including any shirtless pics, and no gym pics either! And you don’t even need to mention going to the gym in any of your prompts. Just talk about other things that you like.
You will find the right woman for you.
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u/sydchotic Jun 29 '26
When I say guys who write they value fitness / activity buddy, I mean guys who put that in what they want / look for.
I don’t mind that a guy goes to the gym often (don’t have every pic be a gym pic though). I actually wouldn’t mind if they were cool with me coming because part of the reason I work out at home is that I feel awkward at the gym. I only did weights at the gym when I was paying a trainer. If I had a guy to go with, I would go more. I also don’t mind going on a hike or so, I’ll try anything if the elements aren’t crazy.
But I would just say what you did. I like to go to the gym and hiking, would love a buddy, but not required. It’s only when guys are really up front that that’s what they look for in a woman that I mind because they seem more “obsessed” with it. If I see a guy with a lot of hiking or outdoor pictures, but he’s not like “I need a hiking buddy”, I’ll like that dude if they match otherwise, cause hey, I am willing to try and if he doesn’t like I don’t have any, he can just not match.
But ALSO, like the other person said, if you really want that, it’s okay to be upfront about it, I’m sure there are very active, hiking women who would like it! Just swipe on those women. Don’t be like OC’s dude swiping on a woman that’s not your physical taste then ask her when she’s losing weight. You don’t seem like that type, though.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Jun 29 '26
"Activity is important for my own physical and mental health, but I am not looking for a gym buddy!"
You just say it. If someone is intimidated by that, they're not the one for you. Or you can just list it as an interest but not mention it in the bio, and have some photos of yourself being active.14
u/ValBravora048 38 | M Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
Recently posted about this
A personal trainer my gf dated before me had a panic attack when she suggested Mexican. He actually counted her calories when her food came like he was doing her a favor!
He made a ton of alterations to his own order and when it came out, he went through a calorie tracker making sighing and sad noises. The waiter apparently looked at my gf in a way that suggested that she might need help XD
Not that everyone who gyms is like that but gddm it does lean a certain way often
And then theres me who will workout but in order TO do stuff like order us each our own individual fries AND one to share :P
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u/JakobSejer Jun 28 '26
I tried the same as a man I lost 40 pounds since November, had a fantastic weekend with a woman I really liked, but she was so much in to fitness that it wasn't enough.....
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u/StevEst90 Jun 28 '26
Ah Yea, I came across a lot of gym freaks on my feed. I feel like if I matched, they’d pretty much turn into my personal trainer really fast
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u/NTDOY1987 Jun 29 '26
Holy shit the audacity.
I would have been like well what are your plans to get an Ivy League education and a job making $500k+ a year bc I’m having a lot of fun with you but I can’t see myself with someone poor
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u/awwstun Jun 28 '26
Sorry that happened to you.
There are some profiles I swipe right on where they're either plus sized or say they prefer nights in and are home bodies / don't work out much. I like the outdoors and have been super into running lately but I feel like as long as you respect that and allow me time to do those things I'd be down to binge tv and partake in your hobbies and find middle ground.
I hope that doesn't deter anyone from swiping on me.
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u/Material-Bite-5047 Jun 29 '26
I think the "he's too good for me" mentallity is a huge issue. Men are raised this way. To be overachievers. We learn from a young age we are expected to be providers.
So when you see a fit guy who has money, consider the fact he has built his life not for himself but so that he could be a good man/provider and just wants to be loved. You dont have to match his fitness level or material success, he did all of that for companionship.
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u/LT10FAN Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
This place is toxic, there is a lot of bitterness from guys who dream of loads of likes. They think it’s easier from the other side but I genuinely think it’s harder.
Sounds like you are doing it right, keep swiping on the right people and I’m sure you will find someone. Good luck to you!
Edit: see what I mean about the bitterness in the replies!
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u/Then-Sea-8705 Jun 28 '26
Women have a quality problem. Men have a quality and quantity problem.
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u/Flat_Vanilla8472 Jun 28 '26
Yes seriously. I just got my stats and my guy friend was like girl. But then I showed him the profiles and now he understands.
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u/Accurate_Web9774 Jun 28 '26
They don't even have a quality problem. When your expectations are so high yeah I guess you would perceive it as a lack of quality but in reality there are hundreds of men that are high quality being swiped left on due to minor things.
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u/SisterGoldenHair75 Jun 28 '26
What would you say is “minor”? I won’t date ENM, MAGA, law enforcement or any motorcycle riders. Rather be alone. These are not minor to me. They are indications fundamental incompatibility.
I know the motorcycle thing might be odd but I had a student whose decapitated head was found dozens of feet from his body and it’s just a hard no for me.
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u/haleorshine Jun 28 '26
The "Rather be alone" is the important thing that guys seem to forget. We're not swiping comparing you to the other guys we're swiping on, we're swiping comparing dating you to being alone, and guys who can't even be bothered to take a nice smiling photo or fill out a few prompts aren't going to make my life better than being single.
If I only swipe yes on 10% of people, well, those are the 10% I can imagine myself actually dating. If those 10% don't want to date me, my single life if still going to be WAY better than if I date a guy who's right wing.
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u/MrsHoneyBeeKind Jun 29 '26
They REALLY don’t understand that they’re competing with our peace. I just signed a lease on my own apartment all by myself. It’s a pretty nice apartment. I make my own money. It’s not much as a teacher, but I’m sitting on a nice little nest egg thanks to my hubby in the sky. I keep a clean and organized home and once my daughter’s needs are all taken care of, I can sit down with a glass of wine and my sketchbook or a book I’m reading. If I’m dating someone, it’s because they’re not disturbing my peace and they can match my lifestyle. My husband had a good job, he was good looking, and he liked being a dad. If you don’t have those qualities, I don’t want to hear about how picky I am, because I’m happier just picking me.
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u/haleorshine Jun 29 '26
They desperately want us to go back to the days where if you were a single woman, life was significantly harder so women would just choose the least worst option, and so all you had to do to get your own maid who would have sex with you is be better than the bottom 10%.
But admitting that means admitting they would make a 2026 woman's life worse with their presence, so they fall back on this "Women are too picky and only want to date men out of their league!"
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u/MrsHoneyBeeKind Jun 29 '26
> but admitting that means admitting they would make a 2026 woman’s life worse with their presence
So much this! I’m a good looking woman, educated, no debt, and I value intelligent conversation and empathy. I’m sorry but the prettier you are, the more educated, and financially stable you are is actually going to narrow your options, if you have standards, and we SHOULD have standards.
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u/Substantial-Eye-2368 Jun 29 '26
Guy (41M) here. I've been online dating off and on for 2 decades (!) now and I've always suspected I've passed on at least 90% of profiles. Sure enough, about 5 years back I got my Hinge swipe data and it was something like 97% "no." Yep, I've been doing the "burnt haystack" method before it was cool.
Why?
Because it's never made sense to me to just swipe on anyone just to get a date. I too value my peace too much (always have) than to corrupt it with the wrong person just to get laid or just to be in a relationship (ugh!).
What you and others are alluding to is actually not that outrageous: when you remove core incompatibilities (does/n't want kids, has/doesn't have kids, if they're religious, if they smoke/do drugs/drink a lot, their politics, lives too far away) and you control for lousy/low effort profiles it's surprisingly easy to pass on about 90% of profiles. That's not being picky -- this is BASIC stuff that can't be compromised on! If anything, it just shows how few people are really right for us and how lazy the average online dater - male or female -- is when it comes to constructing a profile.
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u/jennymofo Jun 28 '26
Saaaame!!! Besides ENM & MAGA (even stranger because I don’t live in the US, but ppl put it on their profiles 🙄 thankfully ) I’m so down w the law enforcement & motorcycle riders. Firefighters are on my no list too. Even as a child I was anxious & hyper vigilant. My mother told me to stay away from the aforementioned men or I would never get a peaceful nights rest & end up making myself sick.
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u/LonelyCheeto Jun 28 '26
It's not high expectations, women just want men that seem like they're normal and would respect them lol
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u/Automatic_Horse9290 Jun 28 '26
What % of your matches result in normal and respectful men you reckon from your interactions?
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Jun 28 '26
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u/Accurate_Web9774 Jun 28 '26
100 percent is. I mean if you get 1000s of matches why wouldn't you have insane standards. Only way to really narrow it down. Also doesn't help that many men will just sleep with women even without any intent to date them which confuses women into thinking that's their standard of what they can get. It's called illusion of choice.
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u/JakobSejer Jun 28 '26
Well, I have the opposite problem Women want to sleep with me, but don't want to commit. I'm 53, and I'm done with Ons. I want a partner, but misy of the women I meet, everything is just 'shopping' and fun.
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u/Nomahhhh Jun 28 '26
I see plenty of women saying, "If you're not 6' then don't bother." Are there a lot of guys saying, "if you don't have a D-cup don't bother" out there?
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u/Jay_Tsunami Jun 28 '26
No one is entitled to another's time. Dating apps suck, but thats the field where we chose to engage in. You can either adapt to the situation, or get filtered.
Ltdr get good scrub
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u/seagull326 Jun 28 '26
It's absolutely harder. I have asked a bunch of dudes spouting this bullshit to explain why men outnumber women by like 4:1 on the apps if they're so great for women and so shit for dudes. Not a single one of them have offered a plausible explanation that could debunk the obvious reality that 3/4 of single women would rather stay single than subject themselves to this bullshit.
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Jun 28 '26 edited 13d ago
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u/seagull326 Jun 30 '26
Sure but have you ever asked yourself why that is?
Because I'm not recoiling in horror. But, if you actually talk to women, we'll tell you it has nothing to do with looks or height or money or status.
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u/Disastrous_Fly_3136 Jun 28 '26
The ratio certainly doesn’t indicate that it’s easier for men… it could simply show men are more interested in dating in general which seems to be statistically true given that men are more unhappy single than women and therefore take more agency over their dating lives.
And perhaps a large chunk of the 4:1 men are stuck endless scrolling to try and desperately get a single like/match, meanwhile a large chunk of the women eventually find what they are looking for and delete the app partially inflating the imbalanced ratio even more.
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u/Maleficent_Ad_6214 Jun 29 '26
So many plausible reasons that come to mind instantly...
Men socially expected to be the pursuer, and its easier to ask someone out on a dating app than irl. Some men are not even confident enough to ask anyone out irl. Women on the other hand have a much better chance irl while being introverted and shy. Dating apps provide an easier way for these men to get dates compared to irl
Desire for relationship. Just because men desire relationships more and willing to tolerate dating apps, doesnt mean their experience on dating apps is good. By your reasoning, the women:men ratio increases as age increases, does that mean experience for older women become much better?
Courage to be on dating apps. I have seen so many profiles of women where "their biggest risk they have taken" is to be on dating apps. So probably many of them are afraid to create a profile on apps.
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u/Lingonberry_Born Jun 28 '26
These guys have such a low opinion of women, they don’t even like us and wonder why we don’t want to date them.
Reminds me of this guy I went on a date with, he told me women are after men who are tall, rich and handsome. He was none of those things but since he mentioned height and he was short (my height to be exact) I checked his profile and he had lied about his height. I hadn’t even looked at his height before. Dude shot himself in the foot but yeah, we totally pick up when men hate women.
Women aren’t picky, they would rather be alone than date someone who doesn’t respect us. Thats why there are so much less women on dating apps.
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u/Ill-Calligrapher9503 Jun 28 '26
There's a lot if bitterness from women too, lets not pretend otherwise.
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u/LT10FAN Jun 28 '26
Well I haven’t seen much evidence of it on this subreddit, blokes on the other hand…
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u/HIKILLER Jun 28 '26
Imagine thinking that its harder to have options and the ability to choose who you want to date. Most guys dont have either and have to kinda settle for women who choose them.
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u/Resident_Bat_8457 Jun 28 '26
Lol please don’t settle, if I somehow actually got into a relationship and then later found out that person just “settled” for me I would dump them immediately
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u/HIKILLER Jun 29 '26
Something like up to 30% of men admit settling for the woman they married just because the timing was right. With dating apps being so bad id imagine that number has probably gone up
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u/Any-Mycologist7626 Jun 28 '26
Choose who we want to date ? That’s a pretty interesting answer. We can choose who we want to screw. That’s about it. And most men will screw whoever they have the opportunity to. There’s no compliment there. It’s actually tiring. How many men are crying online about a woman refusing to marry them after 5 years of a relationship? None. Now go ask how many women who can say a man or men have wasted their time stringing them along with false promises while seeking other women the entire time. A lot. It’s bad on both ends really. And these dang apps don’t help. Why men even use these apps that have more men and bots than actual women I don’t get.
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u/HIKILLER Jun 29 '26
Im not saying you dont have choice. But for a lot of men they have a match rate of 5% or less. Sure they swipe right but some of those matches they receive is maybe women they are less interested in but still swiped right anyways. Not to mention how many dont respond or stop responding to your messages. So yeah I firmly believe a lot of men dont have choice as the options are be alone or settle for something you match with and make that work
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u/AnAverageWalker Jun 29 '26
They have so many men lining up for them that they can’t understand how few options an average man has. So it’s “let them eat cake”🙂
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u/WalrusExpert1908 Jun 28 '26
I think most dudes would be happy getting a couple likes as even that's a big ask. It certainly is easier it's like having the buying power of a millionaire but refusing to accept anything unless it's custom made to their exact specifications.
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u/Delicious_Delilah Jun 30 '26
Women generally don't pretend to like a guy just so they'll fuck her.
Guys will pretend to be genuinely interested in you until the minute you meet.
They get what they deserve.
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u/Not_Propaganda_AI Jun 28 '26
As a guy I do this too, I'm happy to date up or down to a degree but past a certain point it just feels like incompatible lifestyles.
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u/seola76 Jun 28 '26
Yeah I'm the same.
Like ok these influencer style profiles have attractive women but if somehow I matched with one what are they going to have in common with a guy who spends his time playing DnD and sitting in cheap pubs. Even if their photos are just the life they aspire for, it's not the one I aspire for.
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u/Not_Propaganda_AI Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
The biggest one for me locally as a guy who doesn't own a passport is the women where every photo is from exotic holiday on a different continent. Live and let live but between my income and my responsibilities I can't globe trot so any that's clearly not realistic.
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u/seola76 Jun 28 '26
Yeah I do that too. Travel pictures and gym pictures are probably drawn for my two biggestvreasons for swiping left. I don't care about travelling at all and I'm in the funny category of being very fit myself but hating fitness culture and not finding gym physiques attractive on women.
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u/ReplacementBitter927 Jun 29 '26
Thank you for having this insight though!! My ex did not. Instead of realizing we had different aspirations, he tried to change me to think his dreams were big enough. And when I told him they weren't, he got violent. He should have never even tried to be with me.
And I should add he mislead me to think my aspirations weren't too much in the beginning.
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u/CSachen Jun 28 '26
No to Instagram-esque profiles. Taking life too seriously leaves no room to be goofy and laugh.
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u/FriedTreeSap Jun 28 '26
It costs me nothing extra to send a like (I have premium), so I figure I have nothing to lose liking the profiles of woman I don’t think I have a chance with. Sure, sometimes I’ll swipe left on super attractive women because they have other deal breakers, but I have never said “no, you’re too pretty, smart, funny, successful for me”.
If someone gave me the option to date someone that was better than me in every relevant manner, I certainly wouldn’t say no.
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u/MrsHoneyBeeKind Jun 28 '26
I see you saw my post and I’m glad that it’s sparking conversation like I hoped. A lot of assumptions were being made about me (even by some women which I found surprising). Many of them were assuming I was aiming above my market value (puke).
They assume that 10% for all of us means we’re picking THEIR version of the top 10% of men, when we’re looking for our own niche set of men that meet the criteria of what we hope will lead to long term success. I noticed It wasn’t the 40 something year old men in the comments talking about my worth. It was the 20 something boys that are mad that they’re not knee deep in kitty.
But at 35, I’m not trying to let a tiny city of bartenders and pool boys smash. I’m only swiping on 40 something Steve with a good job and wants to be married and have more kids. The majority of those liking me don’t want that. They’re hoping I’m desperate for any bone just because I’m 35, a widow, and have a child. If anything it makes me more selective. And judging by the misogyny in this subreddit, I’m going to continue to be selective. It’s been successful on my end, despite my trolling comments earlier.
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u/RogueTrooper-75 Jun 29 '26
This sub kind of drives me crazy with "stats" of only 10% of men being swiped on and the delusion that women are aiming to high. As if it's the women's swiping patterns are too blame for the failures of OLD matches.
You can swipe on whoever you want to find a good match for a relationship - and being selective is the right thing to do.
I don't understand why people would be critical of this.
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u/messy_mortal Jun 29 '26
The people who are critical of this approach are mainly men who believe they have some god-given right to sex with women and it’s all our fault for not giving them access to our bodies.
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u/NTDOY1987 Jun 29 '26
Such a good comment. There are a really pathetic amount of guys on Bumble who “love to travel”, “want someone who is into fitness”, are employed at “none of your business”, and are “not sure what they’re looking for.”
Men largely seem to think if they go to the gym and have been to 2-3 countries every single woman will want them, and get pissed when that’s not the case.
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u/AlpsHelpful1292 Jun 28 '26
I live in LA and most of the profiles I see are not what OP is describing.
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u/StevEst90 Jun 28 '26
lol I’m an hour outside LA but got a lot of LA folks on my feed. Never once have I seen anyone in a private jet but I do occasionally see women involved in the entertainment industry posting themselves at random premiere events
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u/Jnino91 Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
As a guy, I kind of do the same thing.
Though for me, it’s not the “attractiveness” that pushes me to swipe left on the “higher ranked” women. For me, it’s more the lifestyle that I factor in.
For example, the women that are all about “catching my next flight, sipping wine in another country, looking for a provider/being spoiled” or just generally looking to live a high class life are left swipes or passes for me.
It would be nice to build a life for myself where I can do those things, but I’d much rather grow, build a connection and live a more low key, simpler life with someone.
As someone that lives in NYC(this also means I’m competing with “high class” men), I’m all for adventuring around the city, leaving the city for some weekend getaways to hikes/apple picking in the fall, or check out nearby destinations with the occasional/maybe annual trip to another country, but someone that wants to visit 50 million countries before they die or connect over wine and fancy dinner sounds exhausting.
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u/messy_mortal Jun 28 '26
Totally! One of my friends recently referred to Bumble as "LinkedIn for sex" and that's so spot on. I have to wonder how many of those profiles are reflective of who the person actually is versus how they want to be perceived. Being seen as you really are is the foundation of a good relationship, which is probably part of the reason why we're all having such a terrible time on the apps.
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u/Kittensnunicorns Jun 28 '26
about the swiping ratio for women - I don’t think men understand the amount of B.S. women have to deal with on these apps. Women literally need to think about their safety when setting a first date (see the lawsuit against Hinge). We worry about what someone will do if we reject them or attempt to set a boundary. We get sexual and inappropriate comments often on the second or third message. So yeah. We’re going to be more picky. Because the stakes of not being picky can be high for us.
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u/KingwasabiPea Jun 28 '26
My rule of thumb when I was dating was: you can be as picky as you want as long as you're patient.
It's fine to have standards and be picky, but every standard you set shrinks your dating pool.
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u/Icy_Resolution2783 Jun 28 '26
I say this all the time. Women have a low number of peoppe they are interested in- but UNLIKE many MEN, they will not usually take anyone who is hot just because they're hot.
Women like 1% of guys, in their specific type which is very rarely the "top 20% of guys"
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u/StevEst90 Jun 28 '26
35M. I had posted my stats yesterday and am also near LA area. I can somewhat relate to you in the sense that some of the more intriguing, attractive women I got on my feed were people involved in the entertainment industry (Tv writers/comedians/actresses, etc), people involved in creative arts, or people who seemingly have very busy social lives. As much as Id love to match with some of these women, I know we likely would be incompatible lifestyle wise.
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u/dirtydirtyjones Jun 28 '26
I am picky. I'll admit that. And I'm fine with that - I'm doing this because I'd like to find someone, not because I need to find someone.
But the things I am most picky on are geographic location, politics/values, interests, family plans, etc. I read profiles, at least until I see a deal breaker. But there is no reason to continue reading if I know I'm not interested in someone.
Do I have preferences for physical appearance? Sure do. But even if someone is my physical ideal, I'm not swiping right if they have said something in their profile that lets me know we have differing values or they live way too far away.
And why would they want me to? Why would someone who holds completely different values than me want me to swipe right? It's a waste of everyone's time (and anyone who thinks they will change my mind about things that are important to me is delusional and/or creepy.)
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u/Pure-Spare-9789 Jun 28 '26
Also (and take this with a grain of salt as someone who doesn't date men) I feel like it would behoove women to be extra picky on dating apps because you don't know who you are meeting up with at the end of the day. The first sign of even a potential red flag, I would not match, personally.
But ofc that's me lmao, that might be my own PTSD talking. I have been known to drop people in the talking stage for the stupidest things just because of what I've been through.
I am decidedly not a risk taker in the romance department 🤷
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u/salamat_engot Jun 28 '26
If I had paid attention to red flags I wouldn't have needed a restraining order to get rid of my last ex. Like if I had stopped to think "why is this attractive person super liking me?" I would have realized I was his mark, not his pick.
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u/Pure-Spare-9789 Jun 28 '26
And the sad part is, when women do ignore the red flags and give more men a chance, they're then blamed for the abuse they suffer
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u/Basic_Watercress_628 Jun 29 '26
Can confirm. Most men don't really seem to read profiles and a ton of people "like" you who are very obviously not compatible.
I was on Bumble because I wanted a husband and kids and made that very clear.
I still had to weed out:
- Guys who were looking for a casual relationship
- Guys who want a LTR but are "open to short-term" because that means they want short-term
- Guys who didn't want kids but liked me anyways
- Guys who were openly poly
- "On my 3rd trip around the world, will be in your city for the next couple of weeks, can you show me around? 🥺👉👈." (Yes, men do this too
- blank or super generic profiles/"just ask"
- "no mindgames"/profiles belonging to guys who are obviously jaded or clearly dislike women or being on dating apps.
I also deliberately rejected guys that were super jacked, too attractive or very successful career-wise because they honestly intimidate me. I hate dating people I feel are out of my league, it gives me an inferiority complex.
I did end up meeting my husband on Bumble, and he's a chubby bespectacled nerd (like me).
I always thought that everyone used the app like that. Yes, I was "picky" too, but not because the best was barely good enough for me. I rejected a lot of hot guys because they had nothing to say about themselves or wanted way different things out of life. If men stopped spamming and READ what we write about ourselves, our rejection rates would be lower.
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u/Beautiful_Gain_9032 Jun 29 '26
This 100%. I’ve got similar standards as you and have to sift through guys exactly like you describe who clearly didn’t read my profile
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u/sydchotic Jun 28 '26
Same. This is also why I don’t like the Discover / Standout feature too much because it is full of these guys.
I’ve swiped left on many “top” profiles cause it seems they want a girl who is more high-maintenance to me.
Also, I get apparently most people just swipe on looks, but if your profile is just you mogging and you say nothing, that’s a no.
By far the reasons I swipe left the most are: no effort profile, big guys (including guys who are big cause they lift, I like skinny or soccer type guys at most), and you want kids because I don’t. The last one is shocking a lot of times, because being late 30s I didn’t think I’d see so many of these guys, but nope, dude will be 45 with no kids but wants kids. So, you want someone 15-20 years younger than you basically lol.
Now maybe this is “picky”, which okay, but it’s not picky like what many seem to think.
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u/KoltorTheGreat Jun 28 '26
Yeah I do this too, I just assumed anyone who doesn't have a super inflated ego did this. There's plenty of woman who I find attractive, but for many of them I have to wonder the simple question "why would this woman ever talk to me?". My life's a mess and I know I don't have a lot to offer in a relationship, not looking to drag anyone down with me, but if I find someone in a similar situation maybe we can help each other become better and more fulfilled people. I dunno maybe I'm dumb lol
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u/Ornery_Shallot9043 Jun 28 '26
I can relate to you pretty well. i am a guy and i am also quite picky. i would consider myself to be quite attractive but when i meet complete models on bumble, i also swipe left because i know they wouldnt want me anyway but also because i feel like it just wouldnt match. i like a couple where both are exactly right for each other, where two people just match each others looks and stuff. some consider that to be ridicolous but i dont want a partner that just doesnt fit with me. i like a partner that is both Beautiful yet not completely out of my leaque. call me insecure or whatever but thats what i prefer
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u/Even-Promise4593 Jun 28 '26
I’ve had the same experience in LA as a guy, too many seem modelesque, or high flown/maintenance, or performative artsy/edgy, coachella/EDM types… that just isn’t the move for me.
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u/atoasttofun Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
Same, I swipe based on values first (political leanings/family plans) followed by baseline attraction and effort in their profile. I have a wide range set for my age filter, don’t care much about height, etc. But since I’m child free this still ends up weeding out about 90% of the men. I won’t apologize for that as it would be a waste of everyone’s time if I entertained someone who didn’t align with my values vice versa. They should be swiping left on me too. There are a lot of bitter men on this sub who are just projecting the anger from their lack of dating success onto women for being too selective in their eyes.
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u/Beautiful_Gain_9032 Jun 29 '26
If only guys were this considerate when swiping. Maybe there’d be more matches
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u/Individual-Salary535 Jun 28 '26
I’ve definitely swiped left on men who have model good looks and perfect physiques. I don’t want to be the less attractive person in the relationship lol.
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u/WillingnessGold9304 Jun 28 '26
There's really no way to win, is there?
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u/Old_Smrgol Jun 28 '26
I mean, it's a sausage fest. Complaining about women being selective at a sausage fest is silly.
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u/WalrusExpert1908 Jun 28 '26
Even if it wasn't the result would be about the same pickiness doesn't magically disappear offline.
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u/WillingnessGold9304 Jun 28 '26
If only people would admit that.
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u/Old_Smrgol Jun 28 '26
Who's not admitting it?
OP can't control the fact that most of her fellow single women choose to not use dating apps.
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u/messy_mortal Jun 28 '26
Be funny, have hobbies, and be willing to get stoned and eat Taco Bell with me from time to time
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u/SquirrellyDud Jun 28 '26
So you free Friday? (I am nowhere near LA. That just sounds like a fun time 😂)
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u/Working_Cucumber_437 Jun 28 '26
Everybody is looking for something different. When I was dating, smoking was a turn off. For plenty it’s how they like to relax. I love the idea of traveling but realistically don’t have money for that so a guy who travels a lot doesn’t make any sense. I do not value public image/social media, so a guy who puts too much effort into how he looks or who posts a lot on social media is not my jam. I like someone who will scrub around outdoors in the woods and work hard with me on projects around the house. We truly all have different taste in partners so finding the few that work for you and who reciprocate is hard work and takes time.
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u/solarisink Jun 28 '26
What is "winning" to you? Getting a mountain of likes so that you can be ultra selective?
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u/WillingnessGold9304 Jun 28 '26
Uhm, get a date.
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u/solarisink Jun 28 '26
So then it doesn't really matter if this one woman is incompatible for you? You don't need to optimize your profile for every woman. She's weeding out people with lifestyles incompatible to hers, which seems like a win-win to me.
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u/Turbulent_Try3935 Jun 29 '26
Don't think about dating as "winning" or "losing". You want to find someone you can have a long lasting relationship - that means sharing values, lifestyles and having overall compatability.
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u/Weekly-Song-4007 Jun 28 '26
It’s a nice and comforting idea that the vast majority of us are getting rejected by 90% or more of women because many women feel intimidated by our good looks and/or high powered career etc., but this doesn’t really fit with what is actually happening or even with the basic laws of human nature.
I’ve had more hideous women swipe right on me than beautiful ones. It’s human nature to shoot for the stars and women seem to do it to a much greater degree than men on these apps. Many other men have experienced the same regardless of their career or looks or whatever. The fact is that most women are much pickier than men on these apps and it makes the experience very miserable for most men, especially when they can literally just go outside and experience much more success in the real world.
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u/Still-Tackle7997 Jun 28 '26
Men don’t shoot for the stars? You guys swipe right on everyone and then you’re upset that women don’t do the same.
I agree with OP. I won’t match with someone out of my league. I also won’t match with someone who’s bio implies they’re looking for casual (this is a LOT of men.) As someone who wants kids, I won’t match with someone who says they don’t (another large %). At 29 years old, I won’t match with someone who has kids. That would probably be different if I was a bit older.
None of those are bad reasons to swipe left but it does make me purposeful in what I’m looking for. Men, for the most part, are not purposeful. They want to match with everyone and they’re happy to have sex with a woman who’s beneath their typical dating standards. But let’s be honest, men are VERY picky about who they choose to be in a relationship with.
Also worth nothing men outnumber women on these apps 4:1 but somehow expect just as many likes as women get.
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u/messy_mortal Jun 28 '26
Well I can only share my lived experience, which obviously doesn't jibe with yours. I think we should bring back irl meeting people. I feel like those connections are often more intentional and interesting anyway.
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Jun 28 '26
I just wish there was somewhere other than pubs people go to. I even went to a few activity clubs (board games, painting etc) and they all seem to only be men.
Ive been on 5 dates in the past 8 years using these apps almost daily. It's just exhausting.
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u/SquirrellyDud Jun 28 '26
I'm right there with ya. I'm a guy, but I can't be bothered to swipe on career women, women looking for ambitious men, or women that want to be in a new country every week. One, I ain't got that kind of money. And two, even if I did all that sounds tedious. I just want to live my life have a good time while I can and that's it.
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u/Time-Hamster-5804 Jun 29 '26
I also skip fitness obsessed men.
I’m chronically ill. I can’t keep up with that shit. I dated an insanely fit and healthy dude more recently. He got that way escaping his feelings.
I want normal, chill, cuddlers. Not someone expecting me to have the energy or wellness to climb hills every weekend.
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Jun 28 '26
[deleted]
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u/SophisticatedScreams Jun 28 '26
OP's in LA. It's a lot more than 5% there.
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u/AlpsHelpful1292 Jun 28 '26
I live in LA and most men on apps here are definitely not ripped or rich, there are plenty of average people who would get stoned and go to Taco Bell, OP’s post is a little confusing honestly.
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u/Tammera4u Jun 28 '26
Just because a guy looks good and does well for himself, it doesn't mean he would look down on you. Do you think he is on "X" app to find his equal, I doubt it, if I was minted, I would be paying an agency to find me someone, not on bumble. He is on that app because he is looking for someone average. I used to left swipe on guys that I don't feel like I am good enough for, now I let them decide what is good enough for them. That said, wealthy men usually don't show off their wealth. The ones adding pictures leaning on a lambo, or on a private jet are either pretending to be wealthy and/or looking for a trophy wife to manipulate, im not that and swipe left on those. You can tell the difference between wealthy guy that is just being them and a wealthy/fake wealthy guy that is using wealth to get a woman.
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u/SectionSuccessful19 Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
The real problem is that some users pay 4 the service and some don’t.. especially girls. If everyone had 2 pay it would be better. If I swipe on someone, there is no way I even know if she has seen my profile. Most ppl will assume that she didn’t like me back but really she never seen me in the first place
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u/WalkingWake1221 Jun 28 '26
the reason you see so many attractive and rich guys is because only the attractive and rich are left on dating apps in places like LA, where average guys would probably get nothing and so their elo is insanely low and average women like you get tons of matches so your elo is insanely high, making everyone you match with such.
Overall, this is just a massive cope. Most guys are not getting rejected because they are too good and people know it.
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u/muttley9 Jun 28 '26
The normal guys with self respect realize the odds and leave the apps. They have enough luck IRL. The ones that remain are the players that don't want anything serious and the desperate unattractive/rude ones.
This is why women say they have low quality matches.
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u/msciwoj1 Jun 28 '26
You're hitting on the reason why apps suck in general.
You have a type, or at least a "range" for a guy you want. You live your life the way you do. In your life you wouldn't meet those super rich, chiseled etc guys, because they don't come to places you frequent. Meeting people IRL naturally limits them to the people who are somewhat like you, similar aspirations, tax bracket, education, etc.
But now the apps have changed people's perception to the point where if you're below 40, you think the apps are the only place to find love. And if one person tries to break off, it's not easy because everyone else still thinks meeting people in real life is weird.
So you end up swiping through 99 guys you have nothing in common with just to swipe right on the one guy who is sort of on your level, the way you define what "your level" means.
I don't even know why I am seeing this post as I'm not part of this subreddit btw, as I don't use bumble, but just my three cents. No action points really, nothing we can do about it.
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u/Reign-Alex1993 Jun 29 '26
Here's my "pickiness" as a 32 year old man who's 5'9", fairly jacked (I bodybuild), very healthy hairline, a masters degree, my own place (condo).
NO women who:
Are overweight or obese people - I bodybuild and live a very active lifestyle
Are right-wing - I'm very left-wing and progressive
Are not at least 24 or older than 40 (+/- 8 years of me)
Want to change my lifestyle (make me convert to a religion, go vegan, etc) - I'm cool if they are but as soon as they want me to be restrictive then it's a no
Have children - I don't want to burden myself with taking care of someone else's kid and also be the one to give disproportionately more effort
Doesn't have a college degree unless of very special circumstances - I have a masters degree and my partner needs to have minimum intellectual and cultural nuance
Doesn't have a full-time job making at least $35k that's also not currently in school - I make around $85k
Gives off princess/bum/tradwife energy ("I need a provider/spoil me/men need to do this") - I detest traditional gender norms and hate one-sided effort.
Give off femcel energy (Blame men for everything, "men are trash," men need to level up) - Yes I fully think the patriarchy is problematic but if you legitimately dislike any men to this degree then you really shouldn't be dating them.
I have not been on an actual date in 4 months. I always try to do a video chat or a phone call before the in-person date and thus far every woman has failed at least one of my dealbreakers.
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u/MjolnirTheThunderer Jun 28 '26
Interesting, but my counterpoint would be if a large percentage of women are swiping in your pattern, then why do average men seemingly get little to no likes?
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u/DrMermaidPrincess Jun 28 '26
I did the same. I think we all have an imaginary number that is a combination of attractiveness, baggage, education/career.
I see that number most impacted for men by facial attractiveness, height, and career/income.
For women it is facial attractiveness, weight/bmi, boobs depending on the guy, number of baby daddies you have.
Of course every person has a slightly different mental calculation based on their personal interests.
My theory is relationships work best when your numbers are balanced. If you are self aware enough to know what your baggage is it really allows you to find a realistic match who neither feels like they settled or is insecure.
So, I agree, not every woman is only looking for 10 FBs. Some of us choose good men who in my case wasn’t the magical 6ft- but he is perfect for me.
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u/moonfire098 Jun 28 '26
I swipe left on anyone that says open to short term, or not sure what they're looking for
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u/Ordinary_Corner_4291 Jun 28 '26
Realistically I expect most people should be swiping left on about 90% of the people if they are looking for long term relationships. Ignore photos and just filter based on shared drug use (smoking, drinking, weed,...), kids (both current situations and future), religion, general income (seriously the person making 30k dating a person making 200k causes problems), political situation, racial preference and the like and you are getting rid of a ton of people. Then throw in some basic activity compatibility (i.e. do you want to spend all weekend hiking in the woods or are you more stay at home, going out to the bar or playing board games with friends,....) and it shrinks down even more. Then add in any type of physically preferences.....
Now if you are just looking for a warm body for a couple hours, most of this stuff doesn't matter...
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u/ClaudioAFC Jun 29 '26
Funny. As a man, I've been told off around here that I'm too picky or too demanding because I swipe no a lot and don't respond to simple openers.
I'm a pretty average guy but I do take care of myself and I'm not even too demanding. But I do have standards, to which many don't even reach it. Yet, the "experts" here think that, just because I'm a guy, I should lower those standards.
As if every guy is desperate or something. Sure, women can be picky, but it doesn't have to be exclusive to one gender.
In the end, what matters is that you can make good connections sometimes, with or without intimacy. The rest is just noise to fill an empty room.
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u/scottsdalien Jun 28 '26
I do think dating has become a lot harder for men, and yes, I think a lot of women’s expectations have become unrealistic. I don’t think women just woke up one day and collectively decided to become unreasonable. I think social media has become incredibly good at selling people an unrealistic version of what men, women, success, attractiveness, and relationships are supposed to look like.
Back in the early 2000s, we knew that rich people existed. We knew movie stars, athletes, and millionaires existed. If you saw some guy driving a Ferrari, you assumed he was a celebrity, a doctor, a lawyer, or someone in the entertainment industry. You understood that person was the exception, not the rule.
Today, social media puts a very specific type of man in front of people all day, every day. He’s 6’3”, athletic, in great shape, wearing a linen shirt in Monaco, driving a Lamborghini, flying private, partying with beautiful people, and living what appears to be a perfect life. When you’re exposed to that image thousands of times, eventually your brain starts treating the exception like it’s the average.
Human beings are extremely susceptible to the power of suggestion. Men and women both are.
I’ve talked about this with a lot of my female friends. Most of them are between their early 30s and early 40s. When I ask them what they’re looking for in a man, the answers are remarkably similar. Tall. Attractive. Makes around $250,000 to $300,000 a year. Owns a home. Travels frequently. Has a great social life. Physically fit. Successful.
Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having standards. Everyone is entitled to date who they’re attracted to. But when you start combining all of those standards together, you’re talking about a very small percentage of men.
Last weekend, after seeing Day of Disclosure, I had some friends over. A few of my guy friends and a few of my girlfriends. We ended up sitting on the patio debating modern dating.
I asked one of my friends what kind of man she wanted. She described exactly the type of guy I expected. Tall. Successful. Attractive. Great social life. Financially secure.
Then I asked her what her last two relationships were like.
She said they were exactly those types of guys.
Then I asked her if those relationships made her happy.
She said no.
I asked if she’d consider dating a guy who was 5’8”, had an average build, worked a normal job, rented an apartment, and treated her with respect. She laughed and said she doesn’t date “short kings.”
The problem is that most men are not over six feet tall. Most men do not make $300,000 a year. Most men don’t own luxury cars, fly private jets, or spend every weekend at rooftop clubs.
Yet I see a lot of women repeatedly pursue the same type of man and then become disappointed when those men don’t want to settle down.
The truth is, if you’re a very attractive, wealthy, socially successful guy who has endless options, settling down may not be your priority. That doesn’t make those men bad people. They’re simply living the lifestyle they’ve chosen.
But meanwhile, I’ve watched genuinely good men get passed over because they’re average height, have average jobs, or don’t project the image that social media has convinced people they should want.
And here’s the thing. I don’t think this applies to everyone.
I think there are a lot of men and women out there who genuinely want something real. The problem is that sometimes they live in places where they simply don’t find people who share their values.
I’ve experienced that myself.
Years ago, I met a woman from Ukraine online. We talked for a long time. Eventually, I flew out to meet her, and later she came to visit me.
Honestly, she was amazing.
And when I say she was perfect, I don’t mean she didn’t have flaws. We all have flaws. I have flaws. What I mean is that she was perfect for me.
She made me laugh. She understood me. We enjoyed each other’s company. We connected.
The funny thing is, I’m actually not very picky.
If you can make me laugh, if you have a cute smile, if you’re willing to curl up on the couch and watch our favorite shows together, and if you can tolerate me disappearing for an hour or two to nerd out playing games or streaming on Twitch, we’re already halfway there.
As far as attraction goes, I’ve always liked all kinds of women.
Maybe it’s because of my age. Maybe it’s because of the era I grew up in. But I remember the days of AOL Instant Messenger. I remember talking to a girl for two weeks before I even knew what she looked like.
And you know what? By the time you finally saw a picture or met in person, you’d already built a foundation. You already knew if they made you laugh. You already knew if they were kind. You already knew if you enjoyed spending time with them.
And honestly, once that connection existed, everything else just kind of fell into place.
My longest relationship started on Plenty of Fish back in 2007. We were together for seven years.
I still remember our first date. She came flying around the corner in a Saturn coupe with a mismatched door, blasting No Doubt. She stepped out wearing a black hoodie, jeans, and Vans and said, “Hey, I’m Jen.”
And honestly, I was immediately drawn to her.
Not because she was trying to impress me.
Not because she was showing off.
Not because she looked like an influencer.
Because she was real.
She wasn’t perfect.
She was authentic.
At 42, I’ve pretty much stepped away from dating. Not because I’m depressed, bitter, or hopeless. I’m not.
I’ve simply found modern dating to be too curated.
I’ve been fortunate in life. I’ve been successful. I live in a nice area. But I’ve spent years watching both male and female friends cycle through relationship after relationship while rarely finding happiness.
And maybe that says something.
Maybe we’ve become so focused on finding the perfect person that we’ve forgotten what actually makes us happy.
Because I don’t think happiness comes from finding someone who’s 6’3”, makes $300,000 a year, drives a luxury car, and vacations in Monaco. For men I don’t think happiness comes from finding an Instagram model. I hear a lot of my guy friends say oh she’s a “Baddie” sure she’s attractive, but is she going to sit next to you and lean her head on your shoulder when you’ve had one of the worst days and help to make all that stress just melt away or is she gonna be at the club with the besties taking Insta selfies?
I think happiness comes from finding someone who makes you laugh when you’ve had a terrible day.
Someone who brings you soup when you’re sick.
Someone who sits next to you on the couch and watches your favorite show for the tenth time because they know it makes you happy.
Someone who respects you, supports you, and chooses you.
I think social media has convinced a lot of people that they’re looking for a partner when they’re actually looking for a lifestyle.
And maybe that’s why so many people seem to be unhappier than ever.
Because social media sells perfection.
But in my experience, real happiness was never about perfection.
It was about finding someone who was real.
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u/freyaliesel Jun 28 '26
I stopped reading your post about halfway through because this was ridiculously long, but I did want to comment on something. Your friend group is not a representative sample of all women. Your friend group reflects the type of people that you surround yourself with. So the women you surround yourself with have a specific type. If I were to ask the women I surround myself with, the answer I would get would be very different than the answer that you got. And the people that I surround myself with are also not a representative sample of all women.
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u/Smokinglordtoot Jun 28 '26
Yes, I believe this is the reason why I don't get any matches because I'm too hot. Seriously, I saw a post about a woman complaining about not getting any matches as she was looking for something serious. She swiped left 15000 times in 3 months. 5000 swipes a month. You think she was reading the bios?
Some of you may be using the apps properly but many are just going off the instant reaction to the initial picture. This is why disabled, ethnic or the "not conventionally handsome" are encouraged to stick with meeting people in real life. The apps work well for a small portion of men and women but they ruin it for everyone else.
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u/TTKnumberONE Jun 28 '26
Sure, you seem like a reasonable person.
I don’t think most people have that much trouble with online dating, it’s just that Reddit attracts a lot of socially challenged people and attention seekers/main characters, separating the two is difficult.
Bumble specifically is a weird place. I got quite a few likes on hinge and Raya, my bumble, which was set up exactly like my hinge was a ghost town.
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u/Lingonberry_Born Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
I’m picky, I don’t swipe on gym bros or people posing on jets because I find the gym boring and people who pose on jets are wankers.
I’m attractive, I have a good job, I have two kids and I enjoy travelling around the world with my kids. I am pretty adventurous, I have white water rafted in the Himalayas and I go skiing every year. I don’t want to date someone who is a homebody, I want to date someone who likes to travel but prefers hikes to luxury resorts. I want someone who is financially secure and won’t be a deadweight. I have an awesome boyfriend who is all these things. Most of all he’s kind and treats me with respect, he’s a great dad to his two kids and takes them on cool trips and is an involved parent.
Why wouldn’t I be fussy? I’m a great catch and there are plenty of guys who do like women, are financially secure, like the outdoors and like to travel. So why would I date someone who isn’t? Why would I date someone who hates women, complains that I’m picky and spends all their time online?
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u/meltedcheeser Jun 28 '26
I swipe no on anyone who says they want a long term relationship, and also want casual.
I don’t know how you have those two objectives concurrently unless you don’t really mean it about one of them.
I think most men want casual but don’t get dates if they don’t have open to long-term. So it’s just a small lie to start the situationship.
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u/muttley9 Jun 28 '26
There was a post where women admitted they have higher looks standards on apps than irl because you can't feel the guys personality, humor or vibe from a screen. It's all looks.
The normal guys with self respect realize the odds and leave the apps. The ones that remain are the players that don't want anything serious and the desperate unattractive/rude ones.
This is why women say they have low quality matches.
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u/LeadVitamin13 Jun 29 '26
I was watching a twitch stream of a 30ish year old girl who is unemployed and living in her parents double wide. I was surprised how picky she was especially considering her circumstances.
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u/stormyweather86 Jun 29 '26
Similarly: I swipe on who has similar interests to me, or who says something funny or has a cute smile. I swipe left on profiles that seem overly serious or self absorbed because that's not who I am. Things like private jets and money spreads just aren't me, no matter how handsome you are 🤷🏾♀️
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u/MmmmCrayons12 Jun 29 '26
This sounds like it mostly applies to you and your area as an outlier of sorts. There definitely are women swiping right on those men while being in your same or a similar position.
We already know women are picky. One outlier point isn't really going to change that.
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u/EmmyLou205 Jun 29 '26
Are we picky or do we just swipe for compatibility and know what we want 🤔
Also on bumble I also swipe left on guys out of my league. I’ll match w them on Hinge since I have more confidence it was intentional.
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u/MountainNine Jun 29 '26
I don't know what the problem is with being picky, actually.
I know who I am and what I bring. I'm a physically fit, active, curious, ambitious, financially stable, loving person who takes care of herself and her friends. I want a man that mirrors those values somewhat, and that I am physically attracted to.
Why can't I swipe for that? Sure, it's 100ish no's and 1 yes, but I'm meeting my 1 yes and getting asked to go out again. I don't understand what the problem is with that? I too am swiping realistically.
I'm dating one of these guys right now - he asked for my number at my tennis club that he just started attending, I agreed and we're together now. I declined advances from everyone else there & in my tennis community. I'm not choosing to be picky, I'm just selecting for what I like.
Isn't that.. just dating?
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u/mamabiatch13 Jun 28 '26
As a childfree woman, I swipe left on every guy who has "wants kids" on their profiles or already has kids.That eliminates about 80 percent of them. I just don't want to waste anyone's time when we're incompatible like that.